Escape

I find myself reading a lot lately. All my beloved books and then some. I have always been a bookworm and as a child of librarians, something that was just a way of life. However, sometimes in my life I notice I use it to escape as well as unwind. Why escape now?

1. Being pregnant and scared that anything could happen
2. Getting warned by both Ob doc and high risk OB doc to work less, eat differently (Gestational diabetes in last pregnancy), and watch my thyroid (getting blood drawn frequently)
3. Crazy hormones causing weird dreams, thoughts, and odd moments of awkwardness and feelings of teenage rebellion
4. No massages (I usually try for every 2 weeks) due to them making me feel more nauseated
5. Lack of regular exercise (not allowed to do anything strenuous) and also I am just winded from climbing a flight of stairs
6. Avoiding most activity that could cause preterm labor, like last time (yes, that includes sex, but it is getting more difficult anyway...hard, I love and am horny for my dh)

So of course, I am escaping into books since I can't escape into world travel, massage, sex, drugs, alcohol, (ha,ha,ha...I don't drink anyway or have every even taken anything remotely illegal), shopping for hours at the mall (too tiring, nothing fits...did get a new purse the other day), and other fun stuff.

Well, here I am

I was commenting to my dh yesterday that I was so happy to be feeling so much better than the previous 2 months. I had a pretty busy day at work yesterday and went to Bunco last night too. I was trying to ignore those tight sensations in my belly that started late in the afternoon. The baby was moving around too. I was trying to to think about them, trying not to think about how similar they were to contraction type discomforts. I felt fine, had eaten a ton of food at the party and was not very tired. No spotting, discharge, and not really any pain, just tightness.

Finally, I told my dh and his worried glance told me to call the doctor. He told me to hydrate and "get my hips up." I went to bed and slept pretty well, no more tightening. I saw him this morning and everything is fine. He wants me to cut work in 1/2 (I was waiting/ wanting to hear that) and then come back in 2 weeks. My sono is tomorrow too, so there will be more examination. Whew. A scare, but sure sign that my body is screaming at me to slow down.

We're 3!!!

The last 2 weeks have been pretty fun. Wee one turned 3 and we had relatives visiting so I am now catching up. Her B-day was actually a whole week of gift giving and loving from grandparents and cousins. Such fun and excitement. As for me, the belly is stretching and I felt a definite KICK 2 nights ago. Sono is scheduled in 2 weeks...there was a mix up about the appointment and I had to figure that one out. Anyway, life is pretty good.

Still here

Well, I am still pregnant and still struggling somewhat. I just got over a stomach virus (yuk) that I was blaming on the baby, but the arrival of diarrhea changed that thought. But yesterday (better) and today (much better) I am seeing some hope. I went to get a pedicure today and got petted and fretted over by the ladies there (my friend owns the day spa/ salon). It was nice to primp a bit. Makes me feel almost normal again. Mom is coming and I hope just her presence will help perk me up (Dad too). I am very lucky that I still have healthy parents that will come and visit me anytime.

Sad

I opened the paper 2 days ago and saw a picture of a girl I went to college with in the obituaries. My heart skipped a beat and I exclaimed, "Oh my God!" I had not seen her since college and found out she had been killed by a drunk driver. The funeral was yesterday and I really wanted to go, but I felt like I am too emotional right now and didn't want to draw attention to myself. I did go by the church later to run and errand and saw some of the flowers that had fallen to the sidewalk. It made me cry. I see her parents around town every once in a while and I cannot imagine what they are going through. You never expect your child to go before you. I would give my life up for my child to live on.

Finding new things about myself

You'd think I would know myself pretty well by now, at 37 years. But each day I am discovering new stuff I didn't know.
1. I am incredibly incontinent in these past few days...everything makes me pee. And I HATE the smell of urine.
2. I tried to eat "healthy" stuff yesterday, fruit, some soda crackers and I barfed like a freshman at a frat party. Then my dh picked the spicy chicken wing place for his father's day dinner and I ate 6 spicy wings, queso, gobs of blue cheese dressing, and greasy fries and was happy as a clam.
3. I try to do too many things by myself and need to ask for more help. I think part of me is still trying to be a "grown-up" and seeing how much I can handle.
4. I am nuts for taking a 2 year old to a tire store to wait 2 hours to get my flat tire fixed. However, wee one did fine and we are all ok.
5. I am more considerate of others than myself. I have been debating how much maternity leave (6 weeks? 8 weeks? do I dare wish for more?) to take and I was just advising a co-worker..."You should definately take 3 months at least."

Good report

Went to OB's office and saw Banana swimming along in there. I saw little fingers wave at me!!!! Everything is going well...my diabetes is not acting up, blood pressure is good, thyroid is stable. So weird for me to hear that everything is fine. He did suggest some Prevacid for my GI problems so here' s hoping. I ate lunch with a friend who is 6 weeks ahead of me and she said she stated feeling normal again at 15 weeks. I asked if I would be going to the high risk guy for the 19 week ultrasound and my doc said, "Oh, we can do it here or we can do it there." This is so different from the last pregnancy it is really blowing my mind.

Bunco has been a nice activity for me. Some girls at my church started it about the time I had Wee One. I didn't know anyone very well, but I wanted to get to know some people with kids/ babies. Most of the evening is spent eating as we each bring finger foods to share. Alcohol is not a part of the church doctrine so we get jiggy with green ice tea or sodas. The Youth Minister's wife went crazy with the blender one time and we did have some kind of slushy drink with umbrellas. The game it self is pretty mindless and involves simple counting. That allows for us to talk and tell crazy stories while we play. (Like the time one of the mom's had to call Poison Control because her 1 year old ate some of the K-Y jelly in her nightstand...and it was the warming kind). At the end of the evening we get prizes according to our scores. Pretty laid back and most of the group have young kids with a few already teenagers. We stick with a time frame of 1.5 hours once a month because our dh's/ kids await our services for bedtime/ etc.

Barftholmew

I am tossing around that name for my next child as well as tossing my cookies. It is NOT GETTING BETTER. I am going to go to see my OB tomorrow to complain. Dh is trying to cheer me up by saying that me being sick might mean less or no days in NICU. That would be fine with me but I am growing weary of the porcelain embrace. I almost am nuts enough to worrying about a conditioned response...that everytime I go near my lovely master bath suite I have to get prepared. I always have to pee 1st because if I don't I have both urinary incontinence and upchucking. I know, I know, TMI, TMI!!! It is just too humiliating and gross that I have to share. I have been so out of everything that I didn't know postage just went up and I sent out a bunch of invitations for Bunco night...how embarassing. When will there be mercy shown upon me?

The long weekend/ Random thoughts

Just changed a poopy diaper while trying not to barf and convince a small cute person to take a nap so she won't be crabby when G-ma comes to babysit tonight. WHEE! I am off to see Indiana Jones tonight and I am so happy to be thinking about how Harrison Ford looks with his whip and not about my sorry state of being.
Most of the town seems to be around...I think gas prices make people think twice about traveling. We really need to invent those teleportation devices. But then we would not have those wonderful car trip memories. (Mom yelling at my sister and I to quit singing so loudly. Stops at Stuckey's to drink icy cokes. Rest area bathrooms. Mc Donald's apple pies.) That's why we have children...to relive some of those times and so they can have some of those experiences.
One of my hobbies is to read People/ MSN celeb gossip. Last time I was pregnant Britney was too. This time I get to share the spotlight with Angelina. I do think she is cool...but somehow I feel like she is one of those people who are like, "HA! Pregnant! Yeah and with TWINS! I am SO MUCH COOLER than YOU!" (Not that I want twins, but it's the idea of it). I guess I had better rent my French chateau and get my helicopter on standby for my labor. That just sounds like a scary idea to me. I really like being able to drive 4 miles down the road to the hospital and get it all done there with the NICU team on alert.

Low energy

Having some ups and downs lately...emotionally more down. I see signs of depression and this of course makes me worry more. But why? Why not, as I think about it. No major problems, but little annoying things that are adding up. While I am elated that I will be having #2, my life has been really different lately.

1. Physical discomforts - as described in recent posts.
2. Emotional instability due to hormonal fluctuations
3. Tall 2 1/2 year old who has taken to sleeping with me every night.
4. Sleeping earlier/ more than usual
5. Fears and worries about what can/ can't happen
6. A feeling of being stuck for the next year or 2 and having no life.
7. Restriction on travel (partly self imposed, partly due to lack of energy).
8. Lack of marital conooduling due to 2 1/2 year old in bed (quickies just aren't the same as nightly talking and cuddling).
9. Possible work issues that may be beyond my control.
10. My thyroid may be out of whack.

Each part of my life is fulfilling and great, but together it is all wearing me out. There is a bit of hope as my ILs have agreed to give us babysitting and hotel points to a brief weekend getaway. I know a change of scenery will help. This actually all may have started even before #2 due to a very hectic winter at work and my own melancholy sometimes for a more jet set life.
I find myself being envious of other's lives that don't involve care of small children. What a thing to be thinking huh for someone who has had infertility struggles you say. I want to snap out of it but I need to deal with these feelings. One way is to blog about it, talk to my dh and friends about it, and get some help.

Getting old

This progesterone poisoning is getting kind of old. I was pretty good yesterday and then ate lunch (evil, but oh so delicious cheese covered fries!) and was tired from that point on. At 9pm I drank some water and then proceeded to lose my dinner. I have never barf/ burped before...totally disgusting. My wee one was really pissed at me for not paying her any attention and she came in while I was hugging porcelain and said, "Oh, yucky cough." Poor thing. I think I am too old for this.

I cheered up a bit today when I saw a friend that I haven't seen for a while and she confirmed the rumor that she was pregnant. 6 months pregnant and she didn't know she was! Her kids will be 15 months apart! Brave girl. It took her a long time to have #1 and it involved icky infertility stuff. She bragged, "no shots this time!"

My stomach wants to be French/ Vietnamese

I woke up with a crazy craving for the Vietnamese Bahn Mi type sandwich. I was salivating in my bed this morning about the wonderful crusty french bread that it is made on. I went to the grocery store and assembled the ingredients (I have never made this) as there is no vietnamese place within a 250 mile radius. I already got into the bread and am having cheese with it. Perhaps a glass of wine? No I don't like wine, but have a hankering for grapes. Mmmmm...I think I need more bread. I have never even been to a real French restaurant unless you count the chain La Madeline (hq in Dallas, TX). But I have eaten escargot....yummmy garlic sauce... These hormones are really nutty!

Insomnia/ Homer Simpson

Insomnia again...mostly due to a large 2 year old's head abutting against my upper back/ neck area tonight. She and dh were sleeping in her room (he on the floor by accident keeping her company while she fell asleep) but at 3am they both came trundling into the master suite where mommy was sleeping peacefully. So I have a million things running thru my head now so I thought I would just do some catch up (charge cell phone, email, etc.).

I looked at my naked self from waist up today. I totally look like Homer Simpson. Everything is pouchy. Perhaps I can blame it all on the pregnancy, but I suspect all the lazing about and take out food is not really helping. I did cook tonight, but I used a new seasoning mix that is still stuck on my tongue (ick) but is fading out. I think a lot of my crabiness is that I can't drink soft drinks and haven't been able to for the last month due to horrible heartburn. When someone is as clean living as me (no smoking no drinking), my one soda a day was my pleasure. At least I can eat doughnuts, DUH!

I don't know how anyone puts up with me

Sick and tired returned today with a sprinkling of sobbing at lunchtime over a sentimental expression on the TV show 'Househunters" and a splathering of heartburn tonight after a spaghetti dinner. I am really surprised my dh has not gone running for the nearest bachelor pad/ frat house. I rarely cry and in the middle of my cheese sandwich and campbell soup lunch, the lady on tv said "this house is not just a house to us, it's a home." I burst out sobbing and my cat looked up at me quizzically. Thank goodness no one else was home at the time...I would be really embarassed, even in front of my 2 year old. I was really craving spaghetti and my dear dh made the dinner tonight. As I was spooning up the last of the marinara sauce with my piece of bread, I recalled in my 1st pregnancy, I could not eat any canned tomato products due to ferocious heartburn. Well, this time it is ferocious x 5...sucking on TUMS at the moment...ick.

Don't get me wrong. I am really happy to be pregnant and these symptoms assure me that I still am. However, I am so not myself right now (other than the wonderful time yesterday afternoon and evening) that it is really throwing me for a loop.

A shaft of light

The last two days the sick and tired feeling have been better and this afternoon I actually have started feeling more like myself. It is such a relief to have this reprieve or hopefully the end of the symptoms of horrible fatigue and nausea that have been with me more or less all of the last 2 weeks. I prayed on Sunday night in desperation for it to relent, and I think that helped! I still have moments like this morning at work when I actually closed my eyes and put my head on my desk for a few minutes. I feel like I have been trapped in a dark dank cave and someone just let a bit of light into my world.

My so called life

8am - wake up, drag self out of bed. On occasion, 2 year old brings me a piece of fruit on a toothpick with dh yelling from the kitchen that it has been dropped on the floor. Eat it anyway

825- nauseously nuking sausage biscuit. Eat it up, yum. Must have protein or else get really cranky and nauseated by 10am

845 - drive off to work, sipping ice water or lemonade to ward off nausea/ motion sickness

9-10 - do some work

10am - eat midmorning snack. am happiest when we get breakfast burritos with hot sauce

1015-1145 - do some more work

noon - go to breakroom and either grab food from drug rep (usually something yummy) or nuke tv dinner

1230-2:30 - do more work

3:00- drive home, sipping again on lemonade/ water

3:15 - take nap if wee one is asleep, otherwise turn on TV and watch PBS with her

4:45 - start to wish dh would hurry up and come home. eat something salty

5:30-6 - discuss takeout options with dh. I have been to tired/ nauseated to cook for the last 2 weeks.

7-8 - take bath with wee one

8-9 - read stories/ watch tv

9:15 - fall asleep with wee one jumping on the bed. Dream, nausea free, about various hunky/ sensitive men who want me to be the love of their life.

8am - start all over again.

Bloated belly and the elastic waistband

I dug out my old box of maternity clothes today to find more comfy pants. My belly is unhappy with my tight pants and I've been walking around with almost unzipped pants in public/ work. It's early, but I am bloated to the max. I was internet surfing and found a clip from the alpha mom channel about dressing for the 1st trimester with designer Liz Lange. She says she is famous for kicking people out of her store for shopping too early. The main tip I got was to wear normal clothes that have some stretch. DUH! Why didn't I think of that?!?! Ha,ha,ha....sorry...

I wear normal clothes that have some stretch when I am not pregnant, so that tip is a moot point now the the stretch can't stretch anymore. Comfort and style are my mantra. I think I need to go shopping. Most of my old maternity clothes look ugly to me. So 3 years ago.

Thank you bloggers & friends, you are awesome and strong

I went back and perused a few of my favorite blogs to the time where they were in their pregnancies at the point where I am at now. I found the secret blog called Straits of Hell on the Quake Shaken Mama blog that she did when she was worried about miscarrying. It comforted me very much to know that those emotions and feelings were shared by others and I wasn't just completely off my rocker here recently. It is a horrible, abyss of unknown fear...physically paralyzing, icky stuff. All produced by the various chemicals in my brain triggered by my emotions and worries. So, thank you, I know it was not fun during that time, but thank you for writing about it. It really helped me.
Yesterday, I was at a picnic and a few gals were gathered around the table talking pregnancy stuff (no one knows I am at this point) and 2 of them talked about miscarriage...one awfully at almost 19 weeks. They are wonderful women, strong, smart, happy demeanor people. I don't know how they got through all that, but I admire their strength and faith even more.

Morning sickness/ Feeling barfy

Lucky me, I didn't have any morning sickness with #1, but #2, since Monday I have been nauseated from the moment I wake until my eyes shut and I go to sleepyland. It's not a horror show, but a constant nausea that is fortunately relieved by small sips of water (carbonated beverages make it worse...wah...no more COKES), sucking on candy, and food. Friday I felt like I was eating continuously. Ick, ick, ick...I know this is good, for it means the hormones are pumping and baby is growing. It makes doing everything else such a bigger effort than usual. Hopefully this will soon pass and I will feel better. I am thinking about trying to seasickness wrist bands...I thought I had a pair and I have ransacked the bathroom looking for them.

Houston, we have a heartbeat

Beautiful ultrasound today...heart beating away...hooray! Dates are about 1 week off, likely due to my weird cycles...will likely have a Sagittarus baby.

Keepin on, keepin on

Betas came back fine...doubling over 48 hours. Tomorrow is appt with RE and another sono to see what is going on. I feel better today, much better. Yesterday was awful because 1st, it was a Monday, the beta wasn't back yet (apparently no labs are run on the weekends), and I had an awful mess of crap coming out from the recesses of my sinuses. I think I even ran a slight fever. I slept and slept and felt better today. I think I worried myself sick. That is so awful...I felt like I was in a purgatory, not knowing. If I was more ignorant, I would be less grieved.

Why does it have to be this hard?

Last few days have been alternating between worried/stressed and whatever will happen, will happen. I am still feeling pregnant...tired, hungry, crying at any kind of touching or sentimental commericials/ movies. This morning I woke up feeling very heavy in my limbs and tired. Small brown mucous discharge appeared in my underwear, but no blood. I usually get something like this before my period, but I recall I had stuff like this and even bright red bleeding in my last pregnancy. I googled and came up with this reassuring statement: That is usually "old blood" tht is being pushed out of the uterus by the growing fetus. Also I had relations yesterday so maybe it is from that...However in light of the fact that I am not sure what is really going on, I am worried/ scared. The sermon at church helped---it was about fear and how to be reassured that God will be with us through it all. I am waiting for my 2nd beta...done yesterday. I am definitely in the WTF...why me...kind of mood...sucks. I think I am going to call my RE tomorrow and make an appointment... I want to get on with my life...but then I realize this is my life.

Nada Mucho

Well, the ultrasound didn't help much...we found the sac and my HUGE uterus, but no heartbeat. She thinks it is smaller/ less far along than I thought (size is more like 5 weeks than 6) and we'll try again next week. My BFF the OB is recommending doing 2 serial betas to make us all feel better. However, you don't usually see a heartbeat well at 5-6 weeks, so I am not freaking out yet. I am getting a beta drawn today and in 48 hours to see if it is increasing. My RE called and even before I did the U/S., she had said, oh you might not see it...you can come by and let me check later if you want. We did see a lot of blood flow and I still feel very pregnant, so I take that as good signs...

Walking on eggshells clutching my uterus

Really different this time...I call the OB office and they said we'll see you at 10 weeks. I called the RE's office to let them know and there has been no reply. I am just on my own, the emby floating along, demanding more food and giving me the weird symptom hot feet at 3am (insomia at the moment so I can post without a 2 year old demanding to change the website to Curious George). My BFF is an OB so she graciously offered to ultrasound me tomorrow so we can check out the heartbeat. In return I promised to look at her sore throat of 1 week and lecture her on how not to take antibiotics. I feel pretty good most of the time, but still have the trepidation of wondering if it is all going to turn out as I hope.

Holey moley, a positive pregnancy test!

I was at work today and decided to check a pregnancy test. I, of course, didn't have high hopes as there have been so many negative tests in the past. I dripped the urine in and watched as the fluid seeped across the test. Hard to see, this one has some crinkly plastic across the window. Hmmm...why is it making that extra line...EXTRA LINE?!? I gasped and carried the test carefully to the lab and showed my nurse. "DR KOG! YOU'RE PREGNANT!" she exclaimed. I was in shock and told her to keep it under wraps because I am very, very early in this crazy game. I called my dh as soon as I could shoo all the people interrupting me in my office and told him that this WAS NOT AN APRIL FOOL JOKE. (He said he would have really been fooled if I had and would have appreciated in a sick twisted dark humor kind of way). What's funny is that he took the crib apart yesterday for storage in the attic. So, #2, due in November, conceived likely on my 5th wedding anniversary...here we go...stick around and we'll have a ball!

Tired and bored with myself

I have been very whiny lately. Every day this past week seems to have been a chore and require a great deal of effort. The only times I am somewhat content are when wee one is snuggled up in my lap or asleep with me in the bed or telling me a story. Work was better yesterday due to the fact I had to set a broken bone. I didn't get much sleep last night due to the problems that come up sometimes with sharing a bed with a dh, a fat cat, and after 2am, wee one. I was sore all over and did luckily have a massage schedule today after work, so I had some therapeutic time. The next month will have some fun times and travel (change of scenery might help me feel content with my current life). A midlife crisis already at age 37? Or is it I am tired of being me? Everything is so distorted when I am tired like I am tonight. I think I will feel better in the morning after some zzzzzzs.

Confidence Killers

Parenting, while filled with some of the best feeling you feel in your life, is very difficult sometimes. It has been more difficult lately with these confidence killers for me.

1. Advice (ASSvise as I note many places on the internet spell it as!) from family members. "Oh, your child is clingy to you because you work and she doesn't get to be with you much"

2. Obstinate 2 year olds/ terrible twos. I have been at moments down on my knees praying for mercy/ sleep/ cessation of whining

3. Illness - the majority of family members sick OR body fluid spewing type of illness affecting wee one.

4. Babysitter flakiness/ illness - today I think a diaper I put on in the morning was still on when I came home from work

5. Developmental comparisons - you can make me shudder by saying 2 words to me, "TOILET TRAINING"

Lifestyles of the Slender

Weight is this major issue for many people in this country, especially for women who have had children. In my practice and in my life I have been asked for advice on how to lose weight. I am not sure I have much advice on how to actually lose the weight, but I have made many observations concerning those who stay normal weight and are healthy (slender is the word I used above in the title for this).

1. Eat only what you like, don't eat things you don't like. Now, if you like a lot of things this may be a problem, but I often find myself putting things in my mouth that don't really taste that good. It is more of an awareness of not to eat mindlessly.

2. Look at your family. If everyone is larger, you may have learned habits as well as genetic issues that affect your weight.

3. Unhealthy/ stressful relationships/ significant others. In one of my relationships, I ate what he ate and gained 10 lbs and gained more when we didn't get along well. In my healthier relationships, my weight remained stable.

4. Hormones. As many of us who have been through the ART gauntlet, our bodies are pushed this way and that by not only any diseases we have but also the hormones, medications, etc. Once my body settled down after a few years of stims and trigger shots, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and lifting baby arounds, I bloated and deflated and expanded and contracted to my current weight, which I am happy with.

5. Hunger. I like a bit of candy and dessert and have some everyday. A mini hershey's bar or an ice cream scoop will satisfy my tastes. One of my friends however, can't stop at just eating one piece or slice, he must eat the whole package/ pie/ etc. Is the hunger he has really for food or for something else?

6. Acceptance. Love who you are, all of you. You are not just your body. I once remarked after meeting a daughter of a acquaintance that her daughter reminded me of her. Her immediate reply was that "Oh, I wasn't fat like her then, I was skinny." I told her that's not what I meant! I was saying that her personality, mannerisms, and happy spirit reminded me of her. We all have our prejudices, but when we get to know people, you don't see their skin color or the extra 30 lbs, or the age difference. You see them, the real person. I saw the movie "Penelope" today and I loved the story of finding acceptance. It is a great movie for young girls and women especially.

Family advice

I have been quite miserable the past few days making myself miserable. My mom offered a lot of advice that I have turned into unconstructive criticism. Obviously I have some baggage with her and about my parenting. I have felt at moments like an utter failure, letting dh take over and myself crawling into bed. (I think I had some kind of stomach bug too or maybe it was those femara pills). I am more relaxed today and got some perspective on it from reading Ask Moxie (thank you God for the internet mother/sisterhood). As mine and my mother's lives are very different, because I do things differently, she may take it as criticism of her own parenting of me. That is so wild because I see her as a great, wonderful mom to me when I was a kid and I cannot even begin to do what she did without lots of help. She had no help from family or babysitters very much, and was with us at home most of the time except when she was earning her graduate degree in case something happened to my dad. I work outside the home, have Ils in town, a nanny, and am the primary earner in my household. We are different and I can only live my life.

Perhaps some of my reaction is my own insecurity about what I am doing. There are so many choices, ways to do things...I am still agonizing over combinations of preschool, nanny, etc.

What happened?

G-ma is visiting us this week and wee one has been alternating between sweet angel child and bratty, crying, tantrumy kid. Make us look like such great parents, huh!?! This week has been really, really hard...not hard like a sick kid hard, but hard like we have no idea what to do, end of our rope, tension headaches kind of hard. She cries dramatically (she can turn it off also), and refuses to listen to what we ask of her. Naps skipped, etc. Now interstingly, at school she has been really good. Our nanny is out with a bad back but is due to return Friday. Two days this week I flipped my schedule a bit to spend more time at home with her so G-ma wouldn't have that much to do. Perhaps all this is too much change for her.
Pray for us!

Femara Day 3

Well, here I am taking fertility drugs. I like these 2008 drugs so far. I picked up my script and started taking my pill twice a day. I'll see the RE on Wed and find out what I am supposed to do next. I have a whatever will be, will be attitude. My RE says it is because I already have one child so that is why I am not as uptight as I was 5 years ago. No obvious bad side effects yet. Have twingy feelings in my right ovary and am sleeping very soundly. Today had lots of energy...did all kinds of domestic activities - shopping, gardening, cooking, laundry, ironing (?!?WTF) in addition to my work/ mom duties. Crazy...it may not be the drugs...my mom is coming for a visit and I am preparing the household for inspection!!!!

Let's forget about this week

I woke up on Monday, dizzy, feverish, and in no shape to go to work. Thankfully dh had a holiday and took wee one off to school while I dozed and drank sprite. At noon the school called and wee one was running a fever. She got home, looking flushed, tired and I got 104 on the thermometer and had the tylenol ready. That night she woke and caused me some panic again as she ran up to 104. We spent a few hours together, tylenoling/ motrining, and cool washclothing. I almost called the ER...however, the temp came down to 101 and we both fell asleep. I woke up not sick and wee one was still sick but seemingly better. I decided not to take her to the doctor as she was giggling and eating a large tortilla. I stayed home with her and after her nap the fever came back. I called the doctor and made an appointment. We saw the doctor who thought it was a throat infection and gave her some antibiotics. It was a full house at her office, but the building she is in has valet parking! Awesome.... Today, wee one has no fever and spit her medicine out this morning. I have concealed it in some chocolate milk and am hoping for the best. Oh...and my sitter threw her back out this week too...Over and out...

Preschool stress

I didn't think I was going to be doing this so soon....stressing over school for my kid. Well I did it a bit last year too over the parents day out program, huh! I went to visit the best preschool (at least that is what all my friends, family, etc. are telling me) in town and sent in an application. Apparently there was a huge baby boom 3 years ago and there is now a waiting list. There used to not be in the past years, but of course, now there is. It is probably the perfect school other that it is totally on the other side of our town, just about as far away as you can be from our house without going outside the city limits. I am thinking I am a weenie, but can I really handle getting up a hour earlier than usual, dressing wee one (who refused to change out of her pjs last week twice) and making the drive to get her to school at 8:15 and getting to work on time? No more lolling in bed while the nanny shows up or leisurely getting ready for mother's day out which starts at 9:30 am. I will keep my babysitter, hopefully she will be able to pick her up for lunch and nap in the afternoons.

This is a real school, going all the way up to 6th grade (we may or may not stay as we have good public schools). I am not really stressed about academic stuff or things like that, I just want wee one to have some everyday kid interactions and not just be out and about the town with the nanny. I have received some signs that this is the place: the principal taught my dh and my sil in high school, my 2 closest friends have their kids there, I keep running into people who go there. But the biggest obstacle may be this: toilet trained! Oh, well, if not by then, we'll do another year of more leisurely life.

A Fat Lip

Wee one did a face plant Sunday while I was at a church meeting and my MIL was babysitting. She seemed fine when I got home (MIL was very worried), but when she got up from her nap I noticed her lower lip was very swollen and that there was dried blood every where. Yikes! There was one wiggly front tooth, and I decided as she seemed ok otherwise and was drinking milk, I would just watch her. She did fine, the lip swelling more in the evening, but I did take her to the Pedi dentist yesterday and he took an xray. Everything is going to be ok, the tooth is a bit loose but should tighten up. Today she looks even better. Poor thing...she loved the dentist's office...totally geared for kids.

Bedtime Temper Tantrums

We have been dealing with a few months of pushing the limits types of temper tamtrums
at bedtime. This weekend we converted the crib to toddler bed mode hoping it would help. It has somewhat (and she is staying in her bed most of the night), but she is really trying to see what she can get away with. The best way I have dealt with it is to ignore her when she behaves to the contrary and she usually comes around and does what she needs to do. A lot of it is a power struggle. What she wants vs. what I/ dad wants her to do. She stayed in pajamas all day today as the babysitter couldn't get her to change! Oh boy, wait till we get to the teen years!

Femara, a new hope

I went to see my RE the other day for a general check up and to discuss what she thought about me getting help to get pregnant again. I had a good checkup and she scanned my pissed ovary, which turned out to show it had just ovulated. She told me it was time to try and offered up a new drug she is using instead of clomid, Femara. I am to call her when Aunt Flo shows up. I felt pretty sure I want to do this again, but after this week of pain and my visit with her, I am not sure again. Conflicted, unsure, etc. I told my dh and now I am worried he will run off with a younger, more fertile person. (I have a history of men leaving me...leftover baggage) After a fitful night of sleep and weird dreams, I am still not quite sure but I thought, I am stronger, better, more fertile than I may think and dh is an idiot if he would do something like that (any man would be). Some of it maybe after talking with my mom, she told me she doesn't think I should do the "shots" again. technically, femara is pills, so maybe I should think/ pray about it more.
My dh would like for us to get pregnant the old fashioned way (I would too), but he was there with me through thick and thin of the stuff leading up to IVF. Perhaps, I am just content now to have the three of us...terrible twos really makes me reconsider having another one.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! It is the year of the Rat (my dh). I forgot until now and at dinner I made Tostadas. Oh well, todos hacen un ano bueno.

My ovary is pissed

Saturday morning, I woke up with a funny lower back pain that I attributed to having worked a very long stressful week. It got worse over the day and I felt a little better after a warm bath. I joked to my dh that it was probably my ovary as it was 2 week ago that AF came. I figured a good night's sleep and I would be fine. Well, I woke up better but the pain came back and I felt swollen over my right lower abdomen area. More pain killers...I busted out the ones from my surgery I had this summer. Today it got worse and I couldn't concentrate on my work so I called up my doc and they got me in. He agreed with me that it was likely my ovary...cyst prob but it didn't feel humongous or anything. He gave me more painkillers and I have an ultrasound on Wed. It is mostly bearable except at night when I want to sleep so I take something. I hate taking something, but it helps me get some rest. I have this thought that my mind has now told my body it wants another baby and the egg is struggling to get out but is stuck in my ovary....blame it all on hormones. I am exhausted by the pain and hope it resolves soon.

Karen Katz books

Recently I got wee one the 4 book set of Karen Katz flap books that she has really enjoyed. She already had the Grandpa one, but she had ripped all the flaps out about 1 year ago and I wanted to get the other members in this family series. So we have Grandpa and me make a pizza, Grandma visits and brings gifts, Dad and me use cool tools (a saw!), and Where is Mommy? The observation I have made after reading this series a few times us that Grandpa, Grandma, and Daddy all are doing neat things with baby and Mommy (noted on the 1st page if the book as to be playing hide and seek), is HIDING from her child. Hiding in her bed with the covers pulled up ....my dh jokes, "I just can't take it anymore!" Maybe I am just jaded....

I Think We're Done

One of my colleagues at work excited announced that he was expecting today. That's the most excited and happy I have ever seen him, and I was genuinely pleased to hear the good news. Also especially after he explained that they had been trying and suffered some losses in the process. I congratulated him and told him I had a lot of baby stuff to pass on as we were probably done. I paused after he left. Did I really say that out loud? Am I really done? Is that just me facing my deep subconscious thoughts that I was done having children? Of course, I guess either way you look at it...keep baby stuff for another baby or give stuff away to make room for new stuff (feng sui)...new baby...new stuff...more shopping!

JUICE!

My whole entire day (except for a few bathroom breaks and one mercifully taken naptime) has been devoted to watching juice being spilled/ thrown/ leaked all over my house. I have just finished mopping and putting wee one in her crib/ cage. How do you lecture (I did) a 2 1/2 year old on not WASTING food? I know I will look back on this later and be amused, but I am just at the end of my rope now. I know that most of this is limit testing and toddler experimentation with liquids and flow. It is just very difficult to watch it in real time. We did do a time out today (2nd one in her life) after she threw a cup of juice/ cherries/ etc at me in the kitchen in frustration. It was effective and she came out saying "SORRWY" and "What happened?" Those temper tantrums sure are rough on her.

Spent

This has been a hard week for me to get through. The flu visited our home and I so far am the only healthy one. Wee one is improving, but dh is still quite ill. I have been holding it together, going to work and coming home to take care of everyone, but tonight at about 9pm, I just didn't have any more energy, patience, or giving left in me. Wisely, I did escape to the shower and told everyone NOT to ask me for anything for about 1/2 an hour. I have noticed I have been eating a lot...emotional eating to cope with everyone being sick. I know this too shall pass...I keep saying to myself, next week will be better!

Drama Queen

Bedtime has become this great dramatic ordeal the last few weeks. Bath, then pajamas (which itself is an ordeal of nudity, negiotiation, and making sure the correct pajamas are chosen). Most nights she is in bed by 9pm (although I would prefer 8:30) and not really asleep until 10. Naps are only 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, early or mid afternoon. She likes to hop into our bed then hops out and asks for stories. We read in her room, change a diaper and get settled into bed. Sometimes there is crying, sometimes not. Lights out. Then every 5-10 minutes there is a
plea for something. Tonight began with complete disrobing, followed by request for milk, and the finale was diaper of smelly, smelly poo pellets, which mommy (who thought she was crying wolf) stuck her nose into and got a big Freaking whiff of. There has been poo the last THREE NIGHTS!!!

The Illness game

Home today with a sick child and menstrual cramps from he-double hockey sticks. I knew this was coming. 1. I was mentioning the other day to a friend that my child has never been on antibiotics before (and that I was lucky). 2. I missed last month's Aunt Flo and was hoping to be pregnant. Anyhoo...that's life. Wee one is better and is napping right now. I should be at work corralling all the sick people in my clinic (they just call and are getting OVERFLOW from the emergency room!), but I must take care of my own first. Thankfully, I have level-headed colleagues and its payback time for all the times I covered their butts.
Speaking of butts, I found my old bottle of glucophage and decided to take it again to ward off some of my PCOS, but I have had uncontrollably bad smelling gaseous emissions from my posterior since my ingesting of 1 pill at 1130 am today. So much for that plan. Thankfully, my dh is at work and I live in a big house.

Brain massage

Yesterday while our dh's were hitting little white balls around the local golf course, my friend and I went to the park with our kiddies and fed the ducks. It was a beautiful day...a little on the cool windy side, but blue skies and clear air otherwise. As a frequent watcher of Curious George on PBS, one of my favorite episodes is George feeding the ducks and the narrator comments that that activity was like getting a "brain massage." As enjoyable and relaxing as the ducks were, I enjoyed more watching the kids play together and frolic in and about the ducks and pigeons that had gathered around. We went to get some lunch and even got free ice cream! A wonderful day, after the nutty week I have experienced. The nice day was also meaningful as my friend will be moving away soon. I will miss her and I know she is moving on to better things. I am glad we could have this memorable day together.

Foodgasm/ Recurrent dreams

For those of you fortunate enough to live near a Chick-fil-a (usually in a mall but we have free standing ones here with awesome toddler playlands), go have one of their milkshakes. Pure bliss! I am going to get fat on them.

Went back to work this week and have been having recurrent dreams (last 2 nights) about getting lost/ being detained/ suffering emotional stress while trying to get to where wee one and dh are. I don't know what is going on in my subconscious. Perhaps all those days of togetherness during the holidays and then going back to work have made me worry about my time with my family. The 1st dream I found them in time, but wee one was older and bigger. Last night's dream, I called and only got the answering machine. The funny thing is that I have cut back on my work hours temporarily due to some organizational issues. Hmmmm....I really need a better nights sleep.

One of those days

Today I am having one of those days. Those kind of days that find one digging into a big bag of wavy lays and french onion dip while typing on her blog. Work was overwhelming, I was biting my tongue not to chew anyone out, wee one was screaming her head off, overtired, and needing but not wanting a nap (just stopped screaming about 2 minutes ago), and I just got back from a trip to stock on all those important things we need (chips, dip, milk and apple juice) at Wally world. I should be really relaxed and tension free. I have the next 4 days off and we canceled our 8 hour road trip to see family that we were going to take. So why is my heart racing, muscles tense, and my head all muddled? I haven't had any caffiene today and my thyroid medication has not changed in 10 years.

My email devotional this morning advised me to pray about people with holiday depression. Maybe I am one of those people. Or maybe I am about to start me period. I took one of those wishful thinking pregnancy tests yesterday because I felt really tired and had to pee a lot. Negative, just a bladder infection instead.

I think I really have had enough "holiday" time. I am ready to go back to my regular routine. I don't like change and I have been getting this feeling that change is coming. I don't know when, but something is going to happen and I have the feeling I am going to have to make decisions. I had a dream last night that I was checking into a hotel and they were telling me my room number was 2 different numbers. Confusion, chaos. And I have am ugly rash on the side of my right hand.

I have no idea why I am feeling this way. Everything in my life is actually pretty good at this moment. I have a good job, good husband, good kid, and good health.
Maybe the next few days will bring me some clarity.

My Xmas Cupcakes

Wee One put the liners in the pan, cracked the eggs, scooped some batter in the pan, and after baking and frosting (Mommy) stuck the Santas on. YUM!

Mommy has a tantrum

3:30pm - Mommy gets home after a day of work and fighting crowds at the supermarket. Wee One runs and smiles, hugging her mom hard.

3:45pm - Nanny leaves, explaining something in more complicated Spanish that perhaps wee one missed her nap.

4pm - Tantrum ensues over mommy not understanding that "Splain" means "GET ME A SPOON"

5pm - Screams at computer because when she hits the keys the slide show of her pictures stop. Jumps on box of crayons and breaks most of them in half.

6pm - Mommy gets dinner on the table. Daddy is eating hungrily. WO takes 2 bites (yay!) of delicious twice baked potatoes then wants to spend the rest of the time getting water from the dispensed on the front of the refrigerator.

7pm - Tantrum ensues over unknown anger at father. Continues as mommy picks out the non-ducky pajamas to change into after bath

7:35pm - taking a bath with mommy. splashing happily.

7:55pm - Tantrum ensues over draining water from tub and bathtime ending.

8pm-820 - Watching curious george quietly with mommy by her side.

830 - story time - says no to every book we bring out. Walks over to bookshelf and picks out large books with a thousand flaps on each page. Whines and cries as mommy attempts to read books/ choose different ones. Mommy picks child up and puts her in bed. Mommy has to leave room, take 2 tylenol, and hide in TV room to watch Project Runway to keep from screaming at her beloved child. Father takes over and child behaves.

Blocks

I think I have been having writers block lately. I am enjoying reading other people's blogs but I don't have much to say back. I think I've had so much going on that I needed more time to process everything.
My mother has been ill for the past month and is just now getting over it. I did go fly to go see her and I felt better and worse afterwards. It has been hard for me to feel like I am giving her help. She kept telling me not to come and to stay home and take care of my own child. But after my visit, she did admit that she was glad I came to see her.

I had an onslaught of inlaws after that for Thanksgiving and we did so much...eat, gifts, travel! I am shifting into lower gears now, trying to enjoy the season for what it is. Although we did start a new singing program at church for the kids too. I like to think, however, that singing and motions are therapeutic!

I have been asked often lately about another child. Not a new question, but my awareness of it is heightened. I honestly at this moment in time do not know. There has been some crazy stuff this past year that has aged and made me tired. I admit that I would love to have another child, but not right now. Maybe even not in the future (that was really scary to write). I am not willing to go through IVF again at this time. I am not sure I ever want to deal with diapers again after we make it through potty training wee one.
Perhaps I am just tired. I have even entertained the idea of adoption later in my life of older kids. That seems more appealing somehow that attempting to have another one myself. I am going to pray about this some more. Maybe I am just admitting defeat. That there is never going to be a "natural" conception for me.

Part of me thinks that I have it so good right now, it would be crazy to ask for more/ disturb the balance. I have so many things in my life right now that are great blessings, much more that I ever expected.

I hate colds

Survived Christgiving/ Thanksmas with countless delicious meals, traveling, and close quarters with the family. Now I have a honking head cold that is making me nuts. Can I please have a vacation from my holiday? I just stuffed a kleenex up my left nostril to absorb all the snot and didn't care one bit how I looked when my dh came to ask me where the cookies are.

The tyranny of the urgent

I often have a problem with getting caught up the the anxiety of the events of the day and rushing through stuff. Of course, the last 2 years the excuse has been that I need to get home to the baby/ do my errands before I get home to the baby. Physically it affects me in the form of sore neck muscles, general bit*hiness and fatigue when I let get all caught up in it. It is so hard for me to consciously slow down and breath sometimes. The only time when it lets up some is when I make some major change like, job, house, surgery, etc. But then there are new things to stress about then! My dh is very much the opposite most of the time although I think I rub off on him occasionally. He can live in the moment and not think much about what is next.

Carseats

I would like some feedback on the car seats anyone is using for a 2 year old toddler. We have Britax Roundabout and a Evenflo one (back up) and it is time to move on. So far, I have been directed to the Eddie Bauer 3 in 1.

A Wonderful Gift

Yesterday, I received a wonderful gift. I got a phone call from one of my best childhood friends whom I had not seen or heard from in over 18 years. We talked for a while and caught up on each others lives a bit. I have been feeling happy ever since. My friend and I had some very similar experiences while we were on our separate journeys and I feel her presence in my life, however short or long it may be, is a great gift. I often have a bit distorted memories as we all do of our "idyllic childhoods," but actually there were some parts that were painful and this friend, I believed went through a lot of things that I knew hurt her. As I was young and immature, all I could do was see the injustices, but not really do much. But I was able to express to her now that I felt for her and hoped our daughters wouldn't have to endure many mean girls. And she was grateful for that because, she believed, she was alone in those battles. Oh, how I wish I could have been able to tell her that long ago.

Dinosaur

For the Halloween cakewalk at church, I brought some cupcakes I made with the help of wee one. (Betty Crocker, but hey, still from my kitchen) As I set down my chinet plate of chocolate delights with their messy frosting, but quite delicious, I noted that most of the rest were beautiful store bought creations of halloween perfection. Spiders! Jack o lanterns! Cupcakes with fluffy buttercream frosting in fall colors! Poor kid who will win my plate would be bummed out totally.

Now, I did think about running to the store for mine too, but we bake just about everyday due to wee one's love for making "eggies." I feel like a dinosaur and I am sure on the flip side, if I had bought one, I would notice all the homemade stuff. I never seem to get it quite right, but they still seem to like me! Then tonight, I saw the little girl who won my plate happily running around with them, chocolate frosting around her smiling lips.

Musical love

KOG readers, here's my treat for you today. Go to www.annielennox.com and hopefully you will get to listen to her song "Dark Road." It is also on iTunes. This song just spoke to me. Beautiful, beautiful song...sung by one of my favorite vocalists who looks cool even now 20 years after I 1st saw her in a music video.

My Wee One

I got back to my home airport today and came down the escalator to the baggage claim. At the bottom I saw dh and then wee one holding his hand. Then, she let go and started running towards me, yelling, "Mommy!" I got to her and I started getting tears in my eyes as I wrapped my arms around her. I couldn't even move for a few moments. I regained my composure and told me dh I missed him too. I thought, "How could I have left her, even for a moment?" Tonight I got a welcome home I took my diaper off instead of going to sleep and then I had a poo in my crib but I picked it up to try to throw it out but kept yelling "Stinky Mommy!" Stinky indeed.

Leaving on a jet plane

Well, tomorrow I jet off to a medical conference for 4 days 3 nights and leave everyone behind for a few days. I have been putting off going away for anything since I was about 4 months pregnant. I never felt quite ready to do this until now. My mom is here to help dh and I am going all expenses paid to stay in a large hotel with room service, a spa, and a shuttle to a ginormous outlet mall. So I know I will miss wee one and that she will miss me, but I think this will be good for me in many ways.

Poop in the pot

Well, we were in church and wee one tugged on my arm and said "potty." We made our way to the bathroom and were distracted by the need to climb stairs into the balcony. She came back down and I hear "Uhhgh" and saw her squat a little. Oh crap, I though, thinking this was ok to think in church since that was actually the subject matter and not a swear. No diaper bag, I headed into the women's restroom with her and found an empty diaper wipe box and a bag of newborn size diapers on the changing table. I sighed and we went into a stall. I pulled down the diaper and lo and behold, no poo there but some was beginning to make its way out of her bottom. I put her on the seat and let her do the rest. Wha la! We have contact! Poop in the pot! I congratulated her, wiped her tush, and pulled her pull up (clean) back on. I said a prayer of thanks. Later in the day, we didn't make it for part 2. Oh well. It's a start.

Potty time

Wee one has hoisted herself up onto the kid toilet seat on the toilet seat and has shooed me away so I don't watch. There is a pull up around her legs and she is happy. There has been no actual deposit of wastes into the toilet as of yet, but I am glad to let her practice/ go through the motions. I know we won't even be there until she is three. She is having fun though.

Quick, easy weight loss

Well, I am recovering from the other end of the vomit virus that hit my family earlier in the week. 24 hours of fevers, chills, and an amazing amount of quick, easy weight loss from the most horrible virus that has ever attacked my colon. My appetite is coming back in fits and spurts. Thankfully all others in the house are healthy again.

The Wee One is growing amazingly. She can name all the animals in her picture books. She can run the new DVD player we got (old one wore out after an almost continuous 72 hours playing of the Max and Ruby DVD). She can doff and don her clothes/ diaper at her own will...(needs help with shirts). She knows where all my shoes are "Mommys shoes" and where I hide the Dora snacks.

Ah, my little bottomless, animal - lover snack hungry child...

Vomit Virus

The vomit virus paid a visit to our little family and is finally left as of last night. Totally stressful to watch poor wee one just lie around and throw up. Milk has been off limit, much to her dismay. My dh is finally able to eat solid food again. I was spared so far, but I am tired of cleaning up vomit. I think this is the longest Wee one has ever been sick...poor thing. I was so happy that she finally ate a cookie last night and held it down.

We LOVE shoes

Well, its that really, really fun time again. Wee One's feet have grown bigger and it is time to get new shoes!!! There is such a price range for toddler shoes (also adults). I love shoes. Wee One loves shoes. Cute, stylish, comfy shoes. I found a pair on clearance at the local dept store...$10.99 for white mary jane Stride Rites! Then I remembered the pair I have kept in the closet that I got on the clearance section of The Children's Place $7!. Fits her well! I went to the website today and got a few more pairs...too cute and each under $12 a piece...I couldn't help myself. New shoes are just about the only thing that can tear her away from her Max and Ruby DVD.

I can be a bigger, more persistent PITA

I know I shouldn't raise my blood pressure late in the day, but I logged onto my credit card website to pay bills this month and there was a late fee!!! I always, always pay my bills on time. I never got a statement this month. Nada. I called the company to see why they didn't send a statement and they said they did. I also had a email alert system set up which also did not send me a message. Anyhow, after being on hold 4 different times and different "supervisors" the fee was dropped ($40!) and I still didn't get to talk to anyone or get an explanation of why I didn't get a statement or email from them. Interestingly, I never came out and said "I want you to waive my late fee." I only said that I wanted to know why they didn't send me a statement or an email to let me know that the payment was due. The website has personalized alerts and my info is all in there, but interestingly, when I hit the "show history of alerts" button, it says "No alerts for the last 30 days." So obviously something is wrong with their website, but I can't seem to talk to anyone about it. I was looking for a place to send an email and didn't find one. So much for being a national bank/ cc company. Must have this kind of call more often than not.

Anyway, I was correct and also trying to help them, but they didn't really have anyone working there that was listening to me. Sad.

Lazy calmness

I have been floating through these last 2 weeks feeling lazy and calm. I feel like something should be happening. When actually, nothing much should be happening right now after what I have been through this summer. I have even been having fantasies of getting pregnant but then I swing to the other extreme of thinking I'll be quite happy with one, esp after a really heavy AF came last weekend.

One of my friends reminded me today, hey you went though major surgery 2 months ago and even though your scar is healed on the outside, you are still healing on the inside. She told me not to forget to take care of myself. I am taking baby steps towards that still. My new resolutions:

1. No ironing. I hate ironing. I love ironed things. My dh has made the decision to take our wrinkly things to the ironing store.
2. I will use the microwave more to make simpler meals. Takeout food is another realistic option that I will exercise without cringing at the expense and sodium content.
3. I will delegate, delegate, and delegate as much as I can at work and in my extracurricular activities.

I guess this is what I was wondering about concerning any life changing events that my tumor experience has brought me.

More tricks to portray myself as the perfect housewife

I was tuning in to my current favorite show, "Top Chef" last week and they had to create a frozen entree. They got a bag of Bertoli pasta meal to examine before they started. Of course, the gullible consumer I am, did what the producers and sponsors wanted me to do. As I was cruising the aisles of Wally world yesterday, There on the end cap was a big selection of the pasta entrees. Well, at $5.97 I thought, hey why not, I'll try it. It was simpler than I thought. You open the bag, dump it into a big non stick skillet, put a lid on it, stir it half way through, and in 10 minutes you are serving and eating. There was plenty to serve me, dh and wee one with leftovers. Very tasty and high quality too. I would have liked more chicken, but for the price, it was really reasonable. I have had thoughts about making this kind of thing but after watching the Top Chef episode, where professional chefs were only able to make one successful dish out of 4.

This and that

Bad PMS the last 2 days. Eating constantly, bloating, weight up on the scale, sore boobies. Also, my right shoulder and neck muscles get sore when I have PMS. No Uber - Bi--h moments yet, but I have already warned my dh. Haven't had it like this in a while. So I was munching through 2 cereal bowls worth of cheddar Sunchips (Hey, I like to delude myself that they are healthy...whole grains!) and watching reruns of Sex and the City just now. It is not as good as I remembered. Perhaps as it is edited for language and nudity, it is just not the same show. "F--k buddy is NOT the same as "Sex Buddy." Perhaps it is just a different time in my life and I can't relate anymore. My concerns involve weaning bedtime sippy cups with milk from a 2 year old rather than finding the perfect shoes for a night out on the town. (I have those already...more than one pair even!)

Lazy days of summer

Well, the wee one has calmed down a bit, no more crazy tricks. Just a few loud protestations here and there. I switched the carseat back to the old "baby" one and she seems to be more content in there. I know the tantrums can come and go in the different times in a child's life, so I am going to try to go with the flow. Her 19 months old cousin is here visiting and wee one seems a bit scare of her. She is louder and more physically advanced (can jump into a swimming pool and bob around in her floatie unassisted). She is the 3rd child with 2 older brothers (7&9) so she has to grow up fast to keep up, unlike my one and only. It is nice to have extended family contact and kids around as I never saw my cousins/ aunts very regularly, only in pictures as we lived in a different country from most everyone.

Harriet Houdini

The story I have today is about how my 2 year old live birth climbed out of her carseat and got into the drivers seat with me a la Britney Spears while I was driving. Oh, and of course she was screaming her head off the whole time (I was picking her up from the baby sitter's house and she had skipped her nap) and didn't stop screaming until she was in my lap. At least by the time she made it there I was 1 block from our driveway. Oh my wild wee one...

Mary Lou Retton

Well, I watch in horror and amazement tonight as Wee One used the mattress to vault her leg up on the crib bars to climb out. She was throwing a tantrum in protest of going to bed. My dh was there and grabbed her thankfully before she could hurt herself. Yes, I have a spirited child. Anyway, she has calmed down and is lying in her crib. So, is it time to take the side down to make the toddler bed? What is going to happen then?!

Food "O" face

I have been enjoying food again as I recover. I mean, really enjoying food!!! To the point of "O" face. Last night I had dh bring home some shrimp scampi and pasta from Johnny Carinos our local chain Italian restaurant. The scampi, which I had never tried was SO GOOD. I told him, as I was sopping up the butter, wine, garlic, tomatoes, basil, and shrimp with a big hunk of bread, that he should go get this for me whenever I am hormonal/ PMS. Tonight, I was getting dinner ready and saw a cook on tv preparing mushrooms. I modified it a bit to my taste but the recipe, I had to share with you all. Scrumptious!!!

Sherry Mushroom Tapas

6-8 White mushrooms
2T Olive oil
1 pat Butter
1 clove Garlic crushed
Salt and pepper
1 T Sherry wine
Parsley
Lemon juice
Bread

Heat sautee pan on medium
Add olive oil, butter and garlic
Place mushrooms in pan, top down
When bottoms are brown, flip mushrooms over
Season with salt and pepper
Add sherry and parsley
When cooked, spritz with lemon juice
Serve with bread

Food book - Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

I recently read the book, "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver. It got me thinking even more about the food I eat and what I feed my family. Since Wee One started eating solid food, (even before, as I was paying attention to what I was eating while breastfeeding), I have been more conscious of what I buy and feed her. It has been a good influence on my diet as I eat her leftovers and she gets a lot of whole grains and fruits because that is what she likes (so that's why I have lost some weight...duh!). She, of course, like any other kid, will eat candy until we run out, but she really prefers fruits, juices, pasta, rice, tortillas, yogurt, peas, corn, cheese, eggs, and milk. Occasionally she'll eat some meat. Not a bad diet for me to follow either.

I have been even more attentive to high fructose corn syrup because I think after a capri sun one day she really crashed into a bad tamtrum (may have just been the 2 year old blues, but this one was really, really bad). Growing up we had liberal access to sodas, chips, etc., but my mom often let them go stale/ flat so that I really didn't care for them any more than any other food. She prepared most of our meals from scratch, chinese home cooking so we ate a lot of veggies, seafood, chicken, and rice. My cooking is an amalgam of chinese/ tex mex/ southern/ quick fix/ italian/ american convenience. I have chips and soda in my house, the soda more for my dh who stopped drinking 3 years ago. We do eat out, sometimes out of boredom/ fatigue at figuring out what to make that will please everyone. It is terrible sometimes what we will put into our bodies to quell the hunger/ keep the routine of a meal.

I do find a lot of pleasure in cooking, preparing meals for my dh and wee one. I have more interest in that than in home decor per se. One of the points of the book that has been sticking with me is the concept of locavore. Now, I live in the desert, not exactly a fertile place, but I do think about and try to buy things that don't have to be shipped from >1000 miles away. So locally, I have noticed tomatoes, melons, and dairy. I live in a big state, but my goal is to try to buy things from in state...like the blueberries I got the other day. It helps that the market I shop at is hq in my own state.

Happy 4th of July!

Right now I am watching a fireworks show from the window in my study. As there are no houses built in front of us nor many buildings (except for a church near us) for a few miles, I can see quite a ways. Pretty nifty to see a show from my house huh! My dh is watching the hot dog eating contest on ESPN2...just your usual July 4th activities for us average Americans with sleep children under 3. Hope everyone has a happy and safe 4th!

Moving along

Not much exciting in these here parts. I still have another week of no work (which I actually don't mind too much) and no driving (my SIL says I am like Paris Hilton under house arrest) and have become the world's worst backseat driver (my poor mum). We have been busy planning wee one's birthday celebration (with many of our friends and family big and small). Shopping and gathering cool stuff such as a balloon pump (only 1.99 at a store I jokingly refer to as "Made in China") and napkins printed with flip flops. We are going to let the kids roam around the yard and feed them lots of pizza, ice cream, cake, and fruit (we have lots of healthy friends).

I have been worrying, with many of you, about how Frances is doing, so be sure to hop on over to her site to wish her well = click on link to "Not, Baby in a Corner."

Arrrghhh....sleep problems

Wee one has started being tantrumy about sleep and also a few other activities, but sleep is the one that concerns me. Crying, throwing stuff out of her crib...saying "NO" when asked to come take a nap, go to bed, take a bath (activity usually right before story time and bedtime). I am not sure why this is happening now exactly. Of course our household has been different since my parents have been living with us for the last 2 weeks since my surgery and I have not been able to do my usual mom things very much. They say we spoil her some and of course, they do too, being grandparents. But in about 1-2 weeks, things should be returning to normal soon. Maybe it will change then, but maybe not. It is the time of terrible twos.

Great news

The final pathology came back on my bum rib and it is definitely benign. HOORAY! What a relief to know it is not malignant, not the dreaded C word, Cancer. It is wonderful to know there is not going to be any more treatment needed...that the weird thing is out of me.

Still recuperating from the surgery. I have felt almost normal the last 2 days, occasional bad twinges of pain nonwithstanding. The only thing is that any kind of exertion or activity leaves me much more tired than usual.

Partly Cloudy

Well, my head is clearing and the world seems less wobbly and wiggly. The pain is mostly tolerable and I am @ the computer again. I had a mild-moderate panic attack because the pathology report came back on the fence, but my doc said not to worry so much now as the specimen is being sent off to Mayo Clinic for further evaluation. What I have is apparently really rare and needs to be really studied. So for now, I rest, recover, write thank you notes for cakes and flowers brought to me, and plan for a 2 year old's birthday party in a few weeks.

This experience has given me some further thoughts on infertility treatments. Going through infertility treatment is difficult because it is like going through medical treatment for a disease. Only difference is that childbearing is supposed to be this "natural process" that every human female is supposed to have the capability to do. The disease is the inability to do so. But the frustration is that inability to do so has so many reasons/ causes and there are so many myths surrounding it.

Anyhoo...my brain sure does weird stuff while on drugs.

back @ home

recovering. dizzy. sleeping a lot. big scar. tired. yuck.

Here I go

My colon is in a tizzy and Aunt Flo arrived yesterday, earlier than usual. My body is purging itself getting ready for my surgery tomorrow. Nerves are so powerful...

I will be expected at the hospital at 5 AM. Now, I am not exactly what you call a morning person, neither my dh. At least I get to rest tomorrow under sedation but he will not. At least the hospital has a Starbucks and I have a stash of gift cards for his benefit.

The only thing that seems to relax me is humorous thoughts about what if I told everyone that I actually had a boob job? Anyhoo...so long rib tumor tomorrow.

Out out damn cough

Cold (or coryza the word missed by the 2nd place finisher (Canadian) at the National Spelling Bee ....when the heck did Canada become part of our country?) symptoms are improving but now I in addition to the snot factory in my head the nagging cough has started. This is not so good as my surgeon did not want me to COUGH any before my surgery as to avoid traumatizing my already fragile tumor filled rib. Tonight after a day of several brands of cough drops, syrups, etc. finally popped something with codeine in it. I am writing this as I feel my body slowly sliding into unconscious oblivion. Must fight to stay coherent. T minus 7 days until the surgery. Maybe I should wear some backless shirts or do nude portraits before I gain a scar.

Sick day

Well, I have a head cold and wee one got up this am and threw up on me. She has been home today with Grandmother and I have been at work trying to heal the sick. I can't even heal myself...ha,ha,ha. No more barfing but I did check her temperature earlier...100. She is napping now and I am blowing my nose for the 100th time today.

There was an interesting story on Today show this morning about the "modern woman." It was about how the WW2 generation had to work because the men were all gone to war (1st wave), the next generation went to work in non traditional women's jobs (wave 2), and now the current generation is opening up business and working part time/ working from home (wave 3) in order to be both mom and working gal. I sure if we go back in the time machine even more, I suspect we are actually wave 3452. Anyway, I say, whatever works for you.

Crabby pants

No, that's not a description of my child, but me at this moment. I think I am just tired from this particular day. Nothing major just daily stuff. I can't even blame AF, as I just finished 2 days ago. Dh seems a bit of the same emotion tonight too. I think I am missing one of my co workers who left for good last week. This person was also a good friend and advice giver to me. I know it was better for them to move on in order to be happier. I think I am also apprehensive about the upcoming surgery. I have people asking me how I am doing and also I am getting things ready at work for when I will be gone. It will be weird having a scar on my back or side I think. No more string bikinis ha.ha.ha...not that I ever have worn one anyway.

And life resumes

I am living the next 3 weeks before the surgery as normally as I can. It is nice having life return to normal for a bit. I am getting things ready for when I can't be doing much and for my parents to come stay with me. New bed and mattress for the guest room and of course, new bedding (I love buying linens) and rearrangement of old bedding. Nesting, I think this is called..feathering the nest. I've had a lot of nice thoughts coming my way from friends, family, and church. I am usually quiet about my health, but this time I knew I needed some support and prayers. Not just for me but for my dh and wee one...some help for them as I am dealing with all this. And also in some ways, to let my friends know not to ignore symptoms that just won't go away.

I think I have been also coping by shopping. Maybe a little too much shopping but I am a bargain hunter so my cc is not maxed out yet!!!!

Get that sucker out!

I saw my surgeon (who reminds me of "Red Duke" the guy who used to do medical stories on TV in the Dallas area) and he wants to cut. I am relieved actually. I was worried it might be a well, we could take it out now or later or never, you have to decide situation. He says if it doesn't come out, it could break, have no chance of healing, and cause me the greatest pain with every breath I took. He is worried it is so fragile that he has banned me from any heavy lifting until the surgery is done and healed...yes folks that includes the wiggly 2 year old person in my house. I have about 3 weeks before the operation due to some scheduling issues so I had having others do the lifting. I have never had major surgery. He was vague about recovery time but made it sound like I would be fine within a week or 2. I am not so sure as it involves cutting, spreading muscles, taking part of the rib out, general anesthesia and intubation...yikes! Anyway, that's my plans for the month of June.

What happened?

Well, got all my tests today and was a pretty good patient considering I had to down 2 cylinders of barium vanilla smoothie. They gave me a big dose of benadryl so I was pretty chill when the actually did the test. They found a benign tumor in my rib that has probably been growing there a for more than 18 years (that's when I first had pain there). Very slow growing but now it is big and destroying the rib (thus the pain). The doctors were all amazed at my high pain tolerance as this is like having a chronically fractured rib. I'll go see the surgeon next week. I am very relieved that it is not cancer. I have never had major surgery so that part I have to find out about and make a decision.

Randomness

I finally got over the coughing, hacking part of my bronchitis but still am having some really bad pain on the left side of my chest. Now, I have a chronic pain because by a rib being out of whack but this has been really bad especially at night when I am sleeping. So I went to the doctor and became a patient once again (I like being the doctor, not the patient). The xray show one funny spot so I went to get a CAT scan. It was going pretty well until they injected some contrast material in me and I got this horrible about to barf feeling, sneezing, and a bad feeling in my throat. YIKES! They stopped it and sent me home with some allergy medication. The radiologist said the lungs looked good but would study the films more. I got a call from my doctor this morning and she said she wanted to see me in her office today. I went over and she wants to finish the scan, but this time with pre-medication for the allergic reaction I had. They are worried about a lesion on my rib. The scan will be in the morning at the hospital so they can watch me closely.

I am still kind of in denial about all this, after all the pain has been there for a long time, just worse since I have been coughing my head off. Part of me says not to worry until I know more and part of me is in deep introspection about life and possibly having a scary fatal condition. I mean, I am a young healthy mother of a 2 year old, a loving dh, a great job, and a new house. I have reached time in my life which is wonderful so I can't be sick. No way.

Mama, mama, mama,...

With these words, Wee One has verbally acknowledged my presence (or lack thereof). I feel like I am officially her mom now that I have heard her wandering around the house uttering "mama, mama." Initially my dh had said it was a distress signal and that "dada" was the word for happiness.

Going to parents day out has really helped her express herself better to me. There is a little less frustration for her in trying to tell me what she wants. It is so interesting that children at this age can be so emphatic in expressing what they want in so few sounds and words they possess.

Sick of being sick

One of my favorite books as a child was, "The Sick of Being Sick Book." No wonder I went into healthcare! Anyway, I think it was one of those you order through the Scholastic book fair things.

Saturday, I woke up with no voice, well, a raspy, whispery voice, and just painful to do any more than that. I consider myself an introvert (less as less as I have gotten older and less inhibited/ more confident) but it was hard not to be able to talk / give orders to my dh esp (ha, ha, ha). I felt ok/ good energy level, etc., but would have a lot of coughing too. Yesterday was better, still coughing especially when I laid down in bed. I managed to get to work today and I would get coughing fits again esp around anyone who was smokey smelling or wore too much cologne. Especially after one really bad fit where I was coughing so bad I thought I would pee in my pants and was gasping for air, my nurse had had it with me. She came in and put the nebulizer machine on my desk and a vial of medicine for it, "TAKE IT" she ordered. Ok, physician heal thyself. Lo and behold it did help. Now I am an asthmatic in denial.

Oh crud

As you noted in the last blog entry I have been feeling out of sorts. I blamed it all on my mental weariness with my life. However yesterday I got dizzy and weak and dh noted I was burning up....ear thermometer read 101.2. Well, it wasn't all just mental, I was sick. Hacking cough, fever, lying about sick. Better today...but still a signal that my body has had it with my life as it has been the last few weeks. Nothing this weekend for me...nothing!!!

Vacay Oh yay

I have been day dreaming about sleeping by myself in a hotel room again. I usually pay some attention to my daydreams as I finally realized it my subconscious trying to tell me something. Maybe it is because one of my mom friends told me she took a week's vacation by herself in Mexico. Actually my 1st reaction to that was, NO WAY I could be gone that long....maybe a weekend at most. However, I heard my own voice say out loud...I thought that was only a mom fantasy. She is a SAHM with 2 kids, now over age 4 so I could rationalize that she REALLY needed it. But, I have been doing a lot lately, not necessarily mom stuff, but other stuff, so there is the reason for my daydream...I want some rest from my whole life. Just a night or 2.

But see the thing is that I just cancelled on a trip this summer that I could have taken by myself or with dh, but he thought we should take wee one too. I finally decided that because most of the trip involved many meetings I would have to attend sans family, that I could not devote any meaningful attention to either meetings or family so I let someone else have the opportunity. So now, after a talk with dh, my conclusion is that he and I will get away for a weekend somewhere to rest/ have fun while GP/ GM take care of wee one this summer. But (here's that BIG but again), can I spend one or 2 nights away from wee one? The irrational part of me thinks that if I am not there something will happen. Is that mommy guilt? Paranoia? Fear after going though ART to get this precious thing that I have to guard her 24/7? I think that is doable for me...just a short break.

Escuela

Wee One started Parents Day Out at the local church Monday...I was so anxious...my baby's starting school. I packed a lunch, bought a nap roll, and hoped that she would enjoy it (I had a feeling she would). She did very well apparently and we have day #2 tomorrow. She has been ready to interact with other kids and this is a good opportunity to do that. We cut our nanny's hours (and pay) back to 3 days a week and I hope everything works out. So far, no complaints from nanny or baby yet.

Family bed question

Ok, I am going to ask a question that I have been wondering about. A lot of my friends/ acquaintances have asked me about how to get their kid out of the family bed. I occasionally mention that we didn't really do this because of the apnea monitor in the early days so our child has always been in a separate bed (was in our room until 5 months of age and then moved to her own room).

As far as advice on getting kids into their own beds, I try to do my best as I am a medical expert type person in my profession(please note I did NOT say parent expert). However, since I do not personally have the experience, I need some help. I think I could answer/ help these people better if I could understand how it all works in the 1st place.

So in the family bed situation, does everyone go to sleep at the same time? Does the baby/ kid get put down 1st? Are naps there too? Does the child start out somewhere else and end up there? Like in our house, the baby goes to bed at 8pm and we go about 10:30 or later, so I am having trouble figuring out who is where and when.

Oh yeah, Mommy blogs!

I was reading a comment over on Baby in a corner's blog and learned this word, "Mommy blog." That is a cool word. In the spirit of this being one of those, one of those who thought she might never be someone's MOMMY, here's my latest MOM discoveries.

1. The Nuby lids fit on Avent bottles. I like the Nuby tops but the bottle was too big for Wee One to handle so I discovered this wonderful option! She still has a hold of her "bottle" but it is not a bottle, it is a sippy cup now (ha, ha, ha...)

2. Thank you God for putting kind people in the path of my almost two year old and me. The ever harried checker at Wally World stopped her crying by handing her the plastic easter eggs I bought. Then he smiled and we all had a brief break from the craziness of the express check out.

3. If you get a sandbox for the backyard, expect to find sand everywhere. EVERYWHERE! In the house, in the car, in the diaper, etc.

Good Housekeeping/ Idiocracy

#1 - This month's issue of Good Housekeeping (with supercool Jada Pinkett, heavy metal rocker, movie star mom on the cover) include the 2nd installment (I missed the 1st installment) of the fertility chronicles. It follows 3 white, married women in the Washington state area as they try/ get pregnant. Interesting stuff, although I get confused who is who sometimes. One is going through IUI, possible about to think about IVF.

#2 - There is a recently released movie called "Idiocracy" with Super hottie Luke Wilson and super funny Maya Rudolph that has the most hilarious and biting comedic section about having babies. It compares the upper-middle class white, educated, snooty couple vs the white"oh shit, I am pregnant again" trailer trash folks.

Office Talk

I had a pause in the middle of a busy day this week and was visiting with one of the drug reps that stopped by. I know many of them well as they have been in the business for many years. This one was one of the newer ones and I am not even sure I could tell you what she sells. She invited me to a evening dinner program and I declined telling her I didn't get out in the evening much due to having a little kid at home. She asked me how old and I told her, thinking it was just the usual polite conversation. She said she was trying to get pregnant (up to IUI) and I mentioned it had taking me some effort to do so. Then she said she had been trying for 4 years. I told her I did IVF. We talked some more and she said that she was so glad I talked to her about my wonderful RE as she had been wondering if that was the next step. As she is under 30, I reassured her that it probably wouldn't be that big a deal but that it was important to make sure there weren't any diseases/ conditions that might need to be treated. She said all her friends got pregnant left and right and of course, this had made her feel even more worried. I told her I was much older when I started and that prayer and friends that understood helped a lot. I told her about the emotional highs and lows that I experienced, and looking into her eyes, I knew she had had some of that already.

It's all fun until someone gets bitten

Wee One and I were exercising today, me doing yoga and her lounging in her easy chair that plays soothing new agey music. I was finishing trying to bend my once flexible body into different positions (off balance tree, half open gate, barely a half cobra, and wobbly warrior pose 1). I finally laid on my back to rest phase and she came over to sit on my tummy and giggle. We sang songs and clapped her hands to "If your happy and you know it." On touch your nose she gamely played along and on the 3rd time we sang it she picked her nose and grinned mischeviously at me. She put her head to my chest and giggled. And then she BIT ME. There is just a thin layer of skin and connective tissue between world and my ribs. I managed to get her to let go and then I clutched my hand to my chest to go look in the mirror to see if I was bleeding or some vital organ was exposed. As I scurried down the hall towards the bathroom mirror, I ran into my DH who proclaimed it to be a love bite without any hemorrhaging. At least it is low enough to be covered by a shirt so people don't think I got a hickey.

There I've said it

I want another kid. In spite of yesterday's vomiting child, spoiled milk, up at 5:30 AM kind of day, I want to have another child. No big surprise to anyone, but I want to say it out loud, put it down in writing on this blog, exclaim it to the universe, my request. Another one would be great. I would even love a bigger family (I think?!)

I don't know if I am ready like go see the RE ready, but in my head I am beginning to formulate that if the old fashion way doesn't work in 6 months more, and I feel the same way, I will head to the RE. I started seeing the RE when I was 32, now I am 36. Am I ready yet? Am I strong enough?

Trapped in AI land

Hi guys...sorry for limited posting recently. Our household has been obsessed with American Idol lately. We got the Karaoke revolution game for the playstation and it has been SO MUCH FUN. Even tonight as we were watching Blake Lewis sing Keane's "Somewhere only we know" we were wondering where the crowd meter and crowd boost bars were...sign of too much video gaming!

Plans, plans

The wee one is ready for some outside stimulation so my plan is to put her in Mothers Day out at one of the local churches. She is one the waiting list at 2 places currently. I was going to keep the nanny and send her 2 days a week to Parents day out. One of my friends says a lot of moms use 2 mothers day outs to create 4 days a week and dispense with the baby sitter. That is one idea, but I am not sure it will work for us. At least not right now. The other option is daycare, but maybe when she is older. So many possibilites. At least we are lucky to have possibilities.

Catch up

Well, we are settling into our new house and I am enjoying it very much. After some mourning for the old one and seeing it empty of our things, I knew it was time to move on. There is finally space for all of our things, esp all the baby stuff. There aren't any houses across the street so it feeling like we are way out in the country.

Wee one is thriving aside from the runny nose/ cold every 2 weeks. She is doing more communication with hand signals lately. Such as patting me on the butt to get me to get up from the chair to go get her something!

I am going to have to discuss naps with our nanny. She likes to take wee one out to the mall or her daughter's house (my good friend) and I think we are getting limited nap time. I am personally a fan of naps in her bed, at least an hour so I am going to have to discuss this with her. She is pretty easy going as far as other issues I have brought up with her and does what I tell her to do. I guess I need to give more directions sometimes. Any nanny advice is appreciated.