I think I have been having writers block lately. I am enjoying reading other people's blogs but I don't have much to say back. I think I've had so much going on that I needed more time to process everything.
My mother has been ill for the past month and is just now getting over it. I did go fly to go see her and I felt better and worse afterwards. It has been hard for me to feel like I am giving her help. She kept telling me not to come and to stay home and take care of my own child. But after my visit, she did admit that she was glad I came to see her.
I had an onslaught of inlaws after that for Thanksgiving and we did so much...eat, gifts, travel! I am shifting into lower gears now, trying to enjoy the season for what it is. Although we did start a new singing program at church for the kids too. I like to think, however, that singing and motions are therapeutic!
I have been asked often lately about another child. Not a new question, but my awareness of it is heightened. I honestly at this moment in time do not know. There has been some crazy stuff this past year that has aged and made me tired. I admit that I would love to have another child, but not right now. Maybe even not in the future (that was really scary to write). I am not willing to go through IVF again at this time. I am not sure I ever want to deal with diapers again after we make it through potty training wee one.
Perhaps I am just tired. I have even entertained the idea of adoption later in my life of older kids. That seems more appealing somehow that attempting to have another one myself. I am going to pray about this some more. Maybe I am just admitting defeat. That there is never going to be a "natural" conception for me.
Part of me thinks that I have it so good right now, it would be crazy to ask for more/ disturb the balance. I have so many things in my life right now that are great blessings, much more that I ever expected.
2 comments:
For not having a lot to say, you have a lot of good thoughts in this post! I hear you with your ambivalence about more kids -- although it's too late for us to go back now, I can't help but think I'm wrecking things/shooting myself in the foot by adding to our family. All of the damn DRAMA of conception and pregnancy just makes it more wrenching.
I understand. There are days when I ask myself why we upset the prior balance...one child was, in many ways, so perfect. Of course, now there is the love, and that keeps regret at bay. But I do understand. I really do. If we were a bit younger and we had had more time on our side, I'd probably still be debating having a second.
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