Memories

I had a brain bloop today and for a few moments I was having a flashback of emotions. I was feeling all those feelings of trying, failing, wanting, trying again, failing, trying, trying, failing, crying, trying, etc of inferility treatments. That everything that reminded me of babies or being invited to events where there would be babies, pregnant women just made me cringe deep down inside. How unfair it was that it seemed to me that so many people took their fertility for granted. And then I came back to the present and how I thought that past me would not be able to be around the present me without breaking down and being envious.

Period

I have gone from never having a period to having too many. I am a PCOS and basically means to me, that all me messed up in the reproductive organs of my body. I have been putting off going to see the RE again as I keep hoping I'll get knocked up naturally and not need her services. Of course, I can see her to get my pap done and discuss what would be best for me. I suspect my avoidance is because I know the treatment to regulate the cycle will consistent of birth control pills. I never, never, ever want to be on birth control again. I don't have a physical problem or reaction to them, but it seems so counterintuitive to be an infertile on birth control pills. Of course irregular bleeding could be something bad, so I do really need to get a checkup. Sigh.

Couch French Fry

My little one is a very active child. She rarely sits and almost never in my lap for very long. Today when I fetched her from her afternoon nap, I sat down on the couch with her, her bottle, and a small bag of Cheetos in front of my favorite TV program of the moment, "Sell this House" on A&E. She totally sat on my lap thru the whole program (granted I FF thru the commercials via TIVO) and we munched on orange extruded corn products. Hmmm...maybe this is the answer to how to get her to sit thru church or on a plane. 15 minutes felt like an hour!

Women at War

(Note: this is part of a comment I made on Frances' blog)

I am not sure if there is a word to describe what people go through for fertility. Brave? Desperate? Pitiful? Insane? Maybe some combination of all of these or at least one of these feelings at one time or another. The basic human desire to procreate vs. the reality of the limitations of one's health, age, social circumstances ($$) are at battle here. So perhaps it is a conflict, women at war. Sometimes losing,winning, suffering, wounded, and all that stuff that we are not expecting.

I think the pressure of success is even greater after a successful IVF. But all of us must find peace with whatever is next, be it another child or not. I am not sure how long that is going to take me to do.

The Eyes Have it

Took little miss to the eye doctor today because she has been noted by pediatrician and both grandmothers to have crossed eyes. Our eye doctor is a family friend and he welcomed her with a hug and a kiss...I can't wait to have grandchildren, he said. Well she has a condition called accomodative esotropia. This means that she is farsighted and when she focuses it causes her eyes to cross. Apparently is is very mild and the treatment right now is glasses. I just wonder if she will keep them on...we'll see.

Welcome to my new blog

Well, I decided it was time to move on. The title of the last one, I felt, would mislead people to think I was still talking about IVF right now. So I have a new title. Keep on keepin on girl...my slang for perserverance. That is my mom's one word description of me. I think we were playing some kind of game and she came up with that. That I hang in there until I get my stuff done. Happy reading!