New Year's Eve

The holidays have been busy, and I am just trying to get by each day right now. My mind, at the moment is a bit frazzled from tiredness so this might ramble/ not make any sense! We had the eating/ gift extravaganza with the inlaws. Great food...I can't seem to stop eating again. Saw a movie on Xmas day...Benjamin Button...very long, but a beautiful movie. Dh and I were both in a cleaning/ clearing out mood these past few days so I have made a few trips to Goodwill and the dumpster. Tonight I will be celebrating new year's with sparkling grape juice and the kiddies and dh at home.

I have been daydreaming about returning to work earlier than I planned again. Of course, it is the whole, I am not earning money thing again, but it has been hard for me to be at home at this point. The nanny has everything under control and my presence seems to only antagonize my 3 year old (I know that kids behave worse when mom/ dad is around sometimes...just a fact of life). She won't let me take a nap and today everytime I nursed the baby she came over and yelled/ screamed. I know, this too shall pass. I am just feeling old and tired.

I wish everyone good health, prosperity, and happiness for 2009. Happy New Year!

Bottomless pits

Today is a cloudy, cold wintry day here and all MSB and I want to do is EAT! Wee one doesn't eat, she just bounces from room to room, occasionally stopping to consume some candy she has found (we were cleaning out closets this weekend) or a piece of fruit from the fruit bowl. But MSB and I are a different story. Our stomachs are bottomless pits, demanding, milk for MSB (either mommy's or similax)---she doesn't care, and for mommy, anything edible in the kitchen. I have been trying to cut back on wheat products after reading a theory on possible opiate like effects of wheat peptides on the colon and because the baby and I are so gassy all the time this past week. It is much harder than it seems to avoid wheat/ gluten. Rice, potatoes, corn, corn chips, etc...until I can get to the grocery store and regroup. I did make some really kick-as* Muddy buddies chex mix with rice (gluten free for my celiac diseased sis in law and nephew). Those really rock. I should be taking a nap right now but I have to appease the hunger 1st or else I can't fall asleep. I am going to try and be healthy and attack the box of pears from Harry and Davi$ I just got in the mail.

Life

38 years ago today, I was born. I have lived a really nice life and today I got to celebrate with loved ones, had lunch with dh (just the 2 of us!), received cards, ate birthday cake (for breakfast!), and opened some nice gifts. A pretty great day overall.

I was catching up on sending/ receiving email and I got an email from an old childhood friend. Earlier in the week, she endured one of the most horrible things that can even happen. The family was involved in a terrible car accident and she lost her only child, a 14 month old daughter. My heart aches for her and the family. I cannot understand or comprehend this. Why did this happen? I don't know. How can one survive this? I don't know. I hold my children tight and am grateful for the time I have with them. Hopefully, a long time.

In the race

As I am in the marathon that is the period of newborn-ness, I am beginning to lose a bit of stamina and am recalling the mental race of watching the clock again. Feed baby, count the time I have until the next feeding to sleep/ do laundry/ cook/ etc. This time is not as bad as the 1st baby as I have a very distracting 3 year old I still have to pay (extra) attention to at this time. It is especially acute in the evenings when dh comes home, the nanny is gone and I am trying to get dinner/ feed baby/ bathe 3 year old/ control chaos. My dh is very very good about entertaining wee one so I am grateful for that, but I feed off any anxiety or stress on his/ her part. I have heard this is often the worse part of the day for many families.

So, I am trying to get some perspective on this too, all of this. Life for me, has often been hard and so I don't expect the easy. College and med school were hard, residency was hard, divorce was hard, working up the courage to get married again was hard, getting pregnant with #1 was hard, going through a cancer scare last year was hard, etc. Some may look at my life and think I have it easy and perhaps I have compared to the trials so many others have. However, I am at the point in my life that I have some control sometimes over my options. I can rearrange/ reconfigure/ add/ subtract/ change things to make life easier. The trick is to figure out what may work.

Doing my part

Just returned from Tarjay again and left a bunch of money there in exchange for some bags of baby stuff, 2 Xmas gifts, canned goods, 1 black skirt for mommy, a dozen eggs, and an organizing bin for wee one's room. I can't seem to get out of there under 3 figures this month. I laugh at the days when I was a poor student and was stressed about spending $30 there!

It is kind of weird right now to be spending money, not only because of the relentless media honking about the economy, but because I am not working right now. Dh is working of course, and I saved up money for this leave, but it is still a bit uneasy to me. I suppose it is some of kind internal fear in me about not being able to take care of myself/ my kids. Who knows...money comes and goes anyway. I am blessed in so many other ways I can't even count.

Next week is the big Xmas lollapalooza with my IL's who go overboard...I have been cleaning out closets and bookshelves in my house as I know new things will be gathering there. They probably think I am not very thoughtful (although this year I have an excuse...Hey I just gave birth!) as I tend to give large fruit baskets from a catalog (from a local grower!). The kids all get gifts, of course. Xmas time is very special especially this year as I gaze on my sleeping baby...sleep in heavenly peace indeed.

Care and feeding of your child

MSB is doing well and doing all the things that a newborn should. Her check up last week went smoothly. Weight gain documented, head measured, and reminders about feeding guidelines reviewed.

Wee one is in a big NO phase and it occasionally makes all of us NUTS! I let her eat too much candy today (candy canes) and she didn't nap so who knows what may transpire this evening. I am about to climb into a big bath and maybe she will join me. She missed her bath last night because she passed out right after dinner. It was way too cold anyway so her skin actually was probably saved by keeping those extra oils on.

I am enjoying my time and got out of the house for some beauty treatments (haircut, pedicure) yesterday and today. I still look tired in spite of that and the help I have (babysitter in the afternoons). Some people are asking me if I am back at work yet...dude, it's only been 2 weeks since I had the baby...need more sleep/ rest.

Tomorrow I am going to see my OB and we are going to discuss a hormone secreting IUD (mirena). He recommended this instead of a tubal so I plan on trying this even though I am not sure about having something in me. But at this point, no more pregnancies for me please.

Bouncing back

Physically, this time after childbirth, I am much stronger physically. Mentally, better too, however I have another cold that is making me nuts and my upper lip and nose super sore. I have spent so much money on Puffs with lotion and buying pseudoephdrine (no, mr. pharmacist, I am not making meth with this stuff...just trying to unclog my left nostril and sinus).

Today I went to stock up on supplies at Wallyworld and buy a few Xmas gifts. There are sure a lot of people who have time to shop at 10am on a Monday morning. It completely exhausted me and I scarfed down lunch, watched "A Baby Story" on TLC and passed out on the couch until it was time to pick up my daughter at school. The Baby story episode was touching...a lady with a brain tumor that appeared clinically with the epidural for her 2nd pregnancy. She had surgery (2!) to remove it and was giving birth to her 3rd child. She was remarking (her dh too) that having a baby at age 40 was really different as she was so tired. Tiring indeed.

Baby feet!

I got my dh a new camera for the occasion of the birth of the new baby. He's been having fun with it and snapping happily. He was the last of many children and apparently there are only like 1 or 2 pictures of him as a baby documented! I did have to look high and low for where he put his camera so I could download the pictures onto my computer. He was looking at the pictures and he noted that he had taken one of me while I was feeding the baby and my naked boob was showing. I strongly suggested that he delete that one unless he felt he could make some money off of it on the internet...ha, ha,ha!

Back to the Boobies

MSB was a bit inconsolable the other night which is very unusual for her so far. She is a very tranquil, contented baby the majority of the time. So I checked her our, cuddled, changed diaper, etc and I knew she wasn't hungry as she had polished off a bottle 1/2 hour before. Finally, a bit reluctantly (with a series of flashbacks to never ending nursing sessions, bleeding cracked nipples, plugged ducts, sprays of milk going across the room, mastitis, the intimate relationship with the pump ---electric and cool hand held avent model, trudging around with the stained boppy pillow, resenting my baby and dh for getting me into this, hating myself for having those feelings, and me running away from my dh every time he got near my chest) I put the baby to my breast and she latched on. Ooooo, ow, ahhhhh....she was sucking away and I actually got the relaxed, stoned feeling that nursing moms love.

The milk is flowing (I totally could be wet nurse) but I am going to do this mainly for comfort and around the planned schedule for when I go back to work. No pumping....at all. I figure 2-3 sessions a day is better than none at all. To go totally boob all the time is something I cannot handle without going crazy.

Absent minded

Today I...

1. Left a package of chicken thighs in the car from the grocery store until it was time to cook them (they were quite frozen and were still cold and my mom deemed them ok to cook/ eat...we'll see how we are doing in the next few hours)

2. Stuck a maxi pad in my pants and forgot to take the adhesive strip off the "wings" and bled all over myself

3. Started this blog entry last night, didn't finish, left open on dh's computer and he asked me if I was done

4. At the 5am feeding, lost track of how many scoops of powdered formula I had put in the bottle.

Gotta love the sleep disruption/ deprivation

Black Friday/ shopping fun

Just got back from a trip to Tar-jay where I was clutching my "save $15 off purchase of $150 or more" coupon at the checkout lane wondering if I had bought enough. Let's just say I almost could have used 2 coupons... Anyhoo, we weren't even really Xmas shopping, just getting some necessities (humidifier for our dry climate + heater coming on, maxi pads, Dora sippy cups, frozen pizza, etc) for our daily life. We have been surprised this weekend how empty our town seems. The park, the restaurants, the shops...not even as busy as usual weekends. I know some of it is people going out of town and some may be the economy, but we were in one of those pockets of the country where the bad times have not hit just yet (they hit really bad about 25 years ago and people still remember those times). We did get some super deals on a few DVDs....Monty Python's Holy Grail, and Moulin Rouge (probably a stocking stuffer for my MIL, lover of all things movie musical.

I am still mostly an internet shopper for other stuff. So convenient and such fun to get boxes at the door. I recently discovered a great site for comfortable bras (I hate bras) called blue canoe. I ordered one for nursing and have a few more ordered to try. It has been kind of discouraging being postpartum shape, but I went through some of my closet yesterday and have managed to find some clothing that I can wear/ live with until the middle part of me becomes less prominent (hopefully). I may hop over to academy and get some clothes (they have great prices) to tide me over. I received a super comfy warm up set from there as a gift last week and it actually fits!

Bleeding nipples...great name for a punk/ metal band

OK, I put MSB to the boob every 3 hours in the hospital and ended up with bleeding, painful, scabbed nipples. I BF my 1st kid so I knew how to position/ latch on and had the nurses check me. MSB has this power suction and I think it got worse as she was HUNGRY and all she got were tiny bits of colostrum. After seeing her pull away with a mouthful of blood, I just cried and got out the bottles. My milk did come in 2 days, but by that time I didn't want to feed her (or pump) and had already been giving her formula. OK you can throw nursing pads at me now. Crazy thing...life is so much easier esp at night. Instead of endless nursing sessions in the bleak parts of the night, we heat, eat burp and sleep in about 20-30 minutes. I am such a happier mommy and MSB is content. That 1st bottle I gave her she just sucked it down burped like a trucker and was calm and sighed contentedly.

Preschool Stress

As I lift my head out of the fog of being pregnant, hormones, and general unwellness, I notice that my wee one and others are trying to tell me the new preschool ("the best in the city")isn't working out as we had planned. Various concerning things like how we are struggling to get her up, dressed, and there without being "tardy," how dirty she was when she came home several times, to our nanny's concerns about the teachers approach to talking to the kids, to how more structured the school is than I thought would be for 3 year olds, and etc.

So we are leaving and I am going to put her back into her little mother's day out where she can be painting, playing , and laughing, and we don't have to always be on time. Wee one is excited agreed to this change and got out her old hello kitty lunch box this morning...oh sweetie, we are going to have a holiday this week and we'll start Monday.

I had really agonized about this in the 1st place and understand that for her this will not be the right place. I hate to think she was ever unhappy, but didn't really know how to express it very well to me...oh the agony of parenting when you make a wrong decision. I should have known it from her school pictures...the old one she is sweetly smiling and the new one she looks dazed. Live and learn.

My Sweet Baby

MSB was born Friday at 12:15 pm weighing 6 lbs 6 oz and 19 1/4 " long. She came out after a little pitocin, a nice epidural, scalp monitor/rom (neat trick by L&D nurse) and 6 pushes from mom. In all it took about 3.5 hours. There were a few scary decels of the fetal heart rate (with contractions) but they resolved when I turned from lying on my left side to almost sitting up!

She was a hearty crier at birth and right away we noticed her beautiful full head of dark wavy hair and the loveliest set of fingers I have ever seen on a baby (long, tapered with oval nails).

We came home today and I'll add more when I get the chance...

Pick a birthday

Just got back from OB, I am dilated to 5-6 cm and I am going to be admitted to L&D tomorrow at 7am. He is worried I'll go into labor at home/ in the car/ etc and the baby will comer flying out so we are going to try to have a more controlled situation. He even jokingly told me not to cough, sneeze, etc...hard right now as I am getting over my cold, etc. I am like, WOW. I get to meet my new kid tomorrow.

Pee pee jug on ice

Came back today from high risk OB visit with a brown jug in my hand for a 24 hour urine collection. I dipped protein on the urinalysis the last visit and this one. Super fun. yay. My blood pressures have been fine and I don't have any swelling anywhere (except my belly) so they are not too worried. So I am keeping my jug on ice in a trash can in my bathroom so I don't contaminate my refrigerator (actually non infected urine is actually sterile, but I can't deal with food and waste products in the same place). So various members of my household (my parents are visiting) have been asking me why I am carrying bowls of ice into my room. I tell them they don't really want to know but I tell them why. Everyone then goes, ewww...oh. Fun times, fun times.

Sick again

Woke up at 3 am last night having shaking chills and a mother of a sinus headache, swollen neck glands and a sore throat. Woke dh up to get me some tylenol as temp showed fever. Probably payback for being a harda-- and not letting wee one watch tv after 8:30pm...we fought for at least 1/2 hour about this ( me and wee one). A bit better today, my mom has made some soup for me and the tylenol helps. Wee one went off to school and dh told the teacher she still had a bit of runny nose (no fever) and they said, oh, so does everyone else! She really needed to go as she was having cabin fever pretty bad this weekend because I wouldn't let her go anywhere.

Bored, bored, bored

I know, I know, soon I will not be bored anymore. But I have run out of things to do. I did a little bit of work yesterday...brief meeting and signed some paperwork and I felt like myself again for just a few moments. Last night, I was resting and didn't feel like doing anything...internet, eating, watching movie, etc. Finally I forced myself to read a book, "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner and read all the parts about food and the labor and delivery scenes. Today I feel good and wee one (who was struggling with a a drippy eye virus last night) is better today. Life is good.

Warm up labor

Have been having irregular contractions since 4 am this morning. Nothing in a pattern yet, just the tightening and sometimes back pain. In the haziness of being half asleep, I wonder, hey, is this for real or is it gas or am I dreaming? You'd think since I've done this before I would have a clue, but I have never made it this far. So I am somewhere between 36.5 and 37.5 weeks along, but as the doctor (who believes I am more 37.5 by my LMP) said the other day, the baby should be all baked by now more or less (I had this sudden image of a biscuit when he said that.) Is is time to get the honey and butter out yet?

He even offered the option of induction next week if I wanted. That kind of blew my mind (as I have been fixated on keeping the baby INSIDE because of the preterm history), but I told him I would just continue along and see if it would happen naturally unless he thought there was a reason to do anything.

Date night

DH and I got a really nice date night yesterday. My whole day was great compared to many days in the past few weeks actually. We went to see the movie with the controversial title, "Zack & Miri Make a Porno." I wanted to see either comedy (my fav) or action because any kind of drama or chick flick makes me sob and cry, cry, cry. This movie was hilarious...I told dh I hoped he wasn't embarassed that I was one of the people who laughed the most/ loudest in the theater. However, the man knows my favorite movie include Tommy Boy, Old School, and the 40 year old virgin.

The 1st 1/2 of the movie was wonderfully comedic. SPOILER ALERT...Then the 2nd 1/2 turned into a sweet, romantic comedy and I started shedding a few tears and wanted to hold hands with dh....oh well.

That sucked

Well, I figured out why I felt so bad....I had a throat/ sinus infection. Fever, swollen glands, body aches and the "I feel like a pile of crap" sensation. I am so much better today and even went out to lunch/ shopping a bit with my MIL, so all is well again. I can't blame it all on the pregnancy.

Crib is now set up and bedding has been located and cleaned. It was so hard to do the 1st time around. This time it was a breeze. Now I've got to get the infant seat down and find the boppy pillow.
Nest, nest, nest...

Pregnant, tired, tired, pregnant

Kind of icky today....nothing specific just not feeling great. I may have stayed up too late last night thinking about things. Dh set up the crib and it was way bigger than I remembered. I guess that is reflecting the daunting task that looms ahead of caring for a 2nd child.

I have been spending time looking at clothes on the internet, fantasizing about wearing stuff that has belts again! But last night I ended up buying some nursing tops and bras and hoping my boobs don't get too out of control once the milk starts flowing.

Wee one has been really clingy lately...mommy this and mommy that. I guess she knows something is changing ahead.

Calm

Today begins a new week and I feel so much better. Dh is recovered and I have parents here to help. Oh and also had a bm for the 1st time in 5 days. Life is good. So now I am just gestating and am going to look at all the cute things I got from my baby shower last week. I have read its tacky to have a shower for #2, but my friends said, No, it isn't and we wanted an excuse to throw a party any way. They gave a great party and we had wonderful food...chicken spaghetti and salad and one of the girls made a beautiful cake. Mmmm....I am hungry now.

A little mama drama too

Went to OB today for check up and 35 week GBS screen. He checked my cervix and I am dilated at 3cm and very soft. The head is engaged. He gave me his cell phone and said to call him and head to the hospital if I have any signs of labor. For now the recommendation is rest and fluids. Oh boy....dh and I both on rest. I am calling on my family and friend now...time to get some help!

Papa Drama

DH started feeling terrible after a picnic Sunday and has been miserable since then. I took him to the doctor yesterday and again today for visits and CT scan. Diverticulitis....terrible stuff. We both moaned and groaned today every time we had to get up/down, in/out of the car....what a pair we are. He is better tonight with my leftover pain pills and a colonscopy is scheduled for Friday. I am so tired....it has been a long day. IL's are back in town tomorrow so they will be around for help/ moral support.

Entering uncharted territory

Well, I am starting to get into the time where things started getting freaky the last pregnancy. Anxiety about whether this one is about to GO is increasing. I worry in the wee hours of the night whether my water will break as I get up to pee (that's how it happened last time) and whether the twinge of pain I feel is a contraction warming up or just being constipated. Wee one came at 34 weeks 5 days and that day is today according to my LMP; however my high risk OB thinks I am 1 week behind actually according to size. Part of me is hopeful that I'll make it to 36-37 weeks...my dh giggled at me last night when the commercial for the new James Bond movie came on and said the movie was opening Nov 14. I said that is the day the baby will be born and I'll name her "Bond!"

Please baby, hang on for 3-4 more weeks.

Holding steady

Saw Ob yesterday and not much going on (good!). I finally made it to the grocery store and did pretty good, but was tired after. I have less energy than 3 weeks ago when I started my modified leave. The low back area has been the most problematic as I get bigger.

I am continuing to check my sugars (4 times a day) and eating every vegetable I can find. Carbs are only for the morning and I am allowing myself nibbles of sugarish carbs in very, very small amounts. Blood sugar has improved with this approach. Halloween candy is approaching...I hope I can be strong!

Taking a day off at the movies

I decided to take a "day off" today. I know that sounds funny as I stopped my day job 2 weeks ago, but I decided that's what I would call this day. Wee one had the day off to from school and we had a little friend over to play. They played a little while, but her friend apparently is not much of a Monday person. Wee one and I baked apple turnovers and made hard boiled eggs and enjoyed our morning together. The nanny came at lunch and I went to get some lunch (low carb) and decided to see what was playing at the movies on a weekday afternoon. I ended up at the mall eating lots of veggies and a little protein at the cafeteria and catching "Fireproof" in the mall's cineplex (10!). For 1: 15 pm on a Monday, there were actually a lot of people in the theater. The $5 1st feature of the day ticket price probably didn't hurt either.

I knew it was a movie produced by a large Baptist church in Georgia about marriage and firefighting. I was actually quite impressed by the movie considering all the "amateurs" working on it. My favorite character in the movie, the lead's best friend is actually a full time Marine captain (Ken Bevel) who has never acted in a movie before. Considering a lot of crap that has been coming out of Hollywood lately, I really think it's time for more movies to be made by a larger variety of people like this one. I liked all the action scenes (wished actually there were more!) and cried a lot during the emotional scenes. It realistically portrays a lot of the emotions and trials as you work stuff out in a marriage/ difficult relationship as well as the temptations and distractions that can lead you away from your spouse. Some people might not be ready for the preachy parts, but I can say that there are a lot of things in a lot of other movies that I am often not ready for!

According to some web news on this movie, it cost $500,000 to make and it has already made $12.5 million at the box office. I think there is an audience out there for movies about family and marriage. I am waiting excitedly to see a movie that was previewed, "The Secret Life of Bees." I read the book but don't remember too much about it.

Pissed off

Blood sugars have been climbing these last few days. No change in eating habits....no sugary drinks, no juice, no dessert (except 1 time). I am tired and grouchy, especially today. I suppose it is just because everything is progressing and I am not as active but the is really scaring me and irritating me. I'll do my weekly check in on Monday with the doctor. I did get my teeth cleaned yesterday so I wonder if that could stress my body more right now. I love cooking and right now I am just not in the mood.

Moo

I put on a bigger pair of maternity pants I found yesterday and turned and saw myself in profile. Yes, it's moo time. I think I am a little melancholy as I am quite sure this will be the last time I am pregnant as I am going to hang it up after this one. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she actually asked if I was going to get my tubes tied. That is just too wacky a concept for me after all the infertility stuff. Even though this one was not hard to begot, I had unprotected sex for 3.5 years after wee one without any signs of pregnancy. But, anything can happen. I know I don't want to have a baby in my 40s. Surgery just sucks for me. After my big surgery last year and my super crappy reactions to anesthetics, I am like "ICK!" These thoughts I must ponder...

I am a control freak

I realized how difficult I can be today. Today is my 2nd official day of not working. I did go into the office and do some paperwork. My substitute was there and I noted some things he did that he took care of that I would have done differently. Not that anything was seriously wrong but not up to my standards. Probably also didn't help as my assistant has been out sick x2 days. Anyhow, I have to be out and I have to live with that.

On a happier note, saw my high risk ob doc today and everyone there was in a good mood. The baby was all squashed up on my right side (ouch) but everything measured fine. He didn't frown at my sugars and told me we'd see each other in 4 weeks and then after that, every week for the biophysical profile.

Stuck in the moment

Approaching week 30 and my hormones are revving up. I was at lunch today staring at a piping hot pepperoni pizza in front of me while wee one and dh were feeding tokens into the video machines at our local chain kids restaurant. I had already had my healthy salad and diet lemonade. I figured I'd eat 1-2 pieces. Dh sat down to join me after having settled wee one in the churning school bus ride and in a few moments the pizza pan was left with one piece (and another on wee one's plate). 2 hours later I checked my blood sugar and it was above normal and I whined to dh that I shouldn't have had 3 pieces of pizza. He said, No, you had 4, you ate the last piece before they cleared the pan away. OH MAN...I don't normally even eat that much. I must really be hungry. At my last OB visit I actually lost 2 pounds.

It's a goofy situation. I have gestational diabetes and am following a regimented carb counting kind of diet. I could counteract the times I slip up with exercise, but I have been limited in exercise due to a soft cervical exam and instructions for more rest and time spent "horizontal." Well, I'll just have to keep trying. Sigh.

Home today

5:45 am - "Milk daddy" dh gets up and gets her some milk in a sippy cup.
5:50 am - "Mommy...mommy...my tummy hurts." "OK - why don't you go take a poo" "OK, mommy" "Snore...." "Mommy, I done." (sound of farting). I feel a little warm body climb over me and lay next to me. "Mommy, my tummy - rub lotion" I get up and put underwear back on her and rub some lotion on. She cries a bit and then falls asleep.
6:15 am - "Mommy, I need my baby doll" "OK" I wander around the house and then find it under her bed. She cries and then falls asleep
7:00am - alarm goes off, everyone wakes up. "I happy Mommy" Get her ready for school.
7:40 am - load wee one into car with dh "Mommy my tummy hurts" "OK, do you want to go to school?" "yes mommy"
8:15 am - car pulls in and dh and wee one returns "Honey, she vomited in the car" Clean child, check for fever (none). Try to figure out how to take cover off car seat
8:45 am - give up on car seat and take out to patio to hose down.
9:00 am - child happily watching Peep and eating a popsicle.

Gestational Diabetes Beverages

Happy mood at the moment, just ate my treat...ice cream! I was googling about what kinds of beverages a diabetic can enjoy. I must be thirsty. So here's what I want to drink:

What I want to drink: Coke (yes the real thing) over a big glass of ice, grapefruit juice over a big glass of ice, Orange box - juicy juice (I think its called orange tangerine), orange juice in the morning - straight up, grape juice, V8 juice (gives me heart burn right now...doesn't really affect my sugar I think), IBC root beer from a icy bottle, sweet ice tea over a big glass of ice, lemonade

What I can drink: water, club soda, club soda with lemon/ lime/ splash of juice, crystal light (I make it with club soda to make it like a soda), milk, chai tea (with a splash of half and half and 1 tsp of sugar), warm water, ice water, ice tea - unsweet

Sigh...well at least I have some choices...

Horizontal

Went to the doctor's again this week and after a quick check down below, it was suggested I try to spend more time in a horizontal position. Sigh. I am having flashbacks to last time. He didn't actually say bedrest totally, but I know where this is headed. I am going to try and work about 3 more weeks and then give up my money making job. I suspect the non-money making job is actually the more stressful one. My dh and I went off to the mountains for the weekend and wee one was with her grandparents. My blood sugar was totally normal in spite of me enjoying the cuisine of the small mountain town (I did not COOK at ALL!). I fell pretty good, a bit tired sometimes, but overall not too bad. So any good book recommendations for my horizontal time?

Spoiled

I never realized how spoiled I was until today. I usually toodle off to work somewhere around 8:30-8:45 and it takes me about 10 minutes to get from door to door. The babysitter comes and I only have to concern myself with getting my own body fed, dressed, and to work.

Today, I woke up 1/2 hour early (after an anxious night of sleep) and got Wee one dressed, combed, watered, and out the door with a granola bar into the car. We drove 20 minutes to school in heavier than usual traffic and I dropped her off. I (wisely) chose to take a day off from work today and met a fellow mom friend for breakfast. I was a bit emotional watching Wee One being led into school by a bigger girl and a teacher. I mean she has been going to mothers day out and I was coming to get her in 3.5 hours, but still the same, I got teary as she smiled and waved at me. Starting tomorrow, my dh and babysitter will be mostly doing the driving duties so it probably won't be as hard.

Preschool open house

Yesterday was preschool open house where we got to visit and meet the teacher. We walked into the small classroom and it was packed with parents and tiny children. The girls and boys were self segregating! Everyone seemed anxious...including us! We did seem some friends and familar faces in the crowd so that helped me relax a bit. I still had dreams last night about her new school and me forgetting to take her out of the car seat to let her go to school. Of course, wee one made herself right at home...playing, eating the snacks the teacher had given her and checking out the potty facilities.

My little rebellion

OK today is one of those check my blood sugar days. Everything was pretty good until the after lunch one. I hardly ate anything!!! A lean cuisine, a 1/2 cup of hot and sour soup and a handful of trail mix. Then I got a post prandial sugar (2h) of 140!!! In rebellion and hunger, I ate a banana with a dollop of hot fudge and a scoop of Blue Bell homemade vanilla ice cream for my afternoon snack. Then I got a sugar that was perfectly fine. So, I am going to blame the lean cuisine...

I haven't really been hungry this pregnancy except at the very, very beginning. I remember being at a hotel and just mooning over the breakfast buffet and eating every dollar's worth of food. Then the 1st trimester barfing ensued so I lost all my appetite. That calmed down but I wasn't really that hungry. The last week I've had a few days where I am hungry but have been a bit limited by my room available in my belly. I have gained about 5 pounds so far so I have more to go. It is just freaking hard to eat enough calories without going over my carb limits. There is only so much cheese I can eat without being really, really grumpy / constipated.

Bopping along

Parents are here again to visit/ help take care of us. It is great. I have been able to sneak an afternoon nap or two the last few days. Wee one has been enjoying their company but has just been resistant (for the past few weeks actually) to napping. If she skips her nap, she passed out at 7pm. That is nice because it gives us some free time in the evening, but it means there is no break during the day and she is crabby and tired in the late afternoon.

Here's my tip for constipated pregnant ladies (or anyone else who is stuck): raw pineapple twice a day. Much more gentle (and yummier) than prune juice.

Escape

I find myself reading a lot lately. All my beloved books and then some. I have always been a bookworm and as a child of librarians, something that was just a way of life. However, sometimes in my life I notice I use it to escape as well as unwind. Why escape now?

1. Being pregnant and scared that anything could happen
2. Getting warned by both Ob doc and high risk OB doc to work less, eat differently (Gestational diabetes in last pregnancy), and watch my thyroid (getting blood drawn frequently)
3. Crazy hormones causing weird dreams, thoughts, and odd moments of awkwardness and feelings of teenage rebellion
4. No massages (I usually try for every 2 weeks) due to them making me feel more nauseated
5. Lack of regular exercise (not allowed to do anything strenuous) and also I am just winded from climbing a flight of stairs
6. Avoiding most activity that could cause preterm labor, like last time (yes, that includes sex, but it is getting more difficult anyway...hard, I love and am horny for my dh)

So of course, I am escaping into books since I can't escape into world travel, massage, sex, drugs, alcohol, (ha,ha,ha...I don't drink anyway or have every even taken anything remotely illegal), shopping for hours at the mall (too tiring, nothing fits...did get a new purse the other day), and other fun stuff.

Well, here I am

I was commenting to my dh yesterday that I was so happy to be feeling so much better than the previous 2 months. I had a pretty busy day at work yesterday and went to Bunco last night too. I was trying to ignore those tight sensations in my belly that started late in the afternoon. The baby was moving around too. I was trying to to think about them, trying not to think about how similar they were to contraction type discomforts. I felt fine, had eaten a ton of food at the party and was not very tired. No spotting, discharge, and not really any pain, just tightness.

Finally, I told my dh and his worried glance told me to call the doctor. He told me to hydrate and "get my hips up." I went to bed and slept pretty well, no more tightening. I saw him this morning and everything is fine. He wants me to cut work in 1/2 (I was waiting/ wanting to hear that) and then come back in 2 weeks. My sono is tomorrow too, so there will be more examination. Whew. A scare, but sure sign that my body is screaming at me to slow down.

We're 3!!!

The last 2 weeks have been pretty fun. Wee one turned 3 and we had relatives visiting so I am now catching up. Her B-day was actually a whole week of gift giving and loving from grandparents and cousins. Such fun and excitement. As for me, the belly is stretching and I felt a definite KICK 2 nights ago. Sono is scheduled in 2 weeks...there was a mix up about the appointment and I had to figure that one out. Anyway, life is pretty good.

Still here

Well, I am still pregnant and still struggling somewhat. I just got over a stomach virus (yuk) that I was blaming on the baby, but the arrival of diarrhea changed that thought. But yesterday (better) and today (much better) I am seeing some hope. I went to get a pedicure today and got petted and fretted over by the ladies there (my friend owns the day spa/ salon). It was nice to primp a bit. Makes me feel almost normal again. Mom is coming and I hope just her presence will help perk me up (Dad too). I am very lucky that I still have healthy parents that will come and visit me anytime.

Sad

I opened the paper 2 days ago and saw a picture of a girl I went to college with in the obituaries. My heart skipped a beat and I exclaimed, "Oh my God!" I had not seen her since college and found out she had been killed by a drunk driver. The funeral was yesterday and I really wanted to go, but I felt like I am too emotional right now and didn't want to draw attention to myself. I did go by the church later to run and errand and saw some of the flowers that had fallen to the sidewalk. It made me cry. I see her parents around town every once in a while and I cannot imagine what they are going through. You never expect your child to go before you. I would give my life up for my child to live on.

Finding new things about myself

You'd think I would know myself pretty well by now, at 37 years. But each day I am discovering new stuff I didn't know.
1. I am incredibly incontinent in these past few days...everything makes me pee. And I HATE the smell of urine.
2. I tried to eat "healthy" stuff yesterday, fruit, some soda crackers and I barfed like a freshman at a frat party. Then my dh picked the spicy chicken wing place for his father's day dinner and I ate 6 spicy wings, queso, gobs of blue cheese dressing, and greasy fries and was happy as a clam.
3. I try to do too many things by myself and need to ask for more help. I think part of me is still trying to be a "grown-up" and seeing how much I can handle.
4. I am nuts for taking a 2 year old to a tire store to wait 2 hours to get my flat tire fixed. However, wee one did fine and we are all ok.
5. I am more considerate of others than myself. I have been debating how much maternity leave (6 weeks? 8 weeks? do I dare wish for more?) to take and I was just advising a co-worker..."You should definately take 3 months at least."

Good report

Went to OB's office and saw Banana swimming along in there. I saw little fingers wave at me!!!! Everything is going well...my diabetes is not acting up, blood pressure is good, thyroid is stable. So weird for me to hear that everything is fine. He did suggest some Prevacid for my GI problems so here' s hoping. I ate lunch with a friend who is 6 weeks ahead of me and she said she stated feeling normal again at 15 weeks. I asked if I would be going to the high risk guy for the 19 week ultrasound and my doc said, "Oh, we can do it here or we can do it there." This is so different from the last pregnancy it is really blowing my mind.

Bunco has been a nice activity for me. Some girls at my church started it about the time I had Wee One. I didn't know anyone very well, but I wanted to get to know some people with kids/ babies. Most of the evening is spent eating as we each bring finger foods to share. Alcohol is not a part of the church doctrine so we get jiggy with green ice tea or sodas. The Youth Minister's wife went crazy with the blender one time and we did have some kind of slushy drink with umbrellas. The game it self is pretty mindless and involves simple counting. That allows for us to talk and tell crazy stories while we play. (Like the time one of the mom's had to call Poison Control because her 1 year old ate some of the K-Y jelly in her nightstand...and it was the warming kind). At the end of the evening we get prizes according to our scores. Pretty laid back and most of the group have young kids with a few already teenagers. We stick with a time frame of 1.5 hours once a month because our dh's/ kids await our services for bedtime/ etc.

Barftholmew

I am tossing around that name for my next child as well as tossing my cookies. It is NOT GETTING BETTER. I am going to go to see my OB tomorrow to complain. Dh is trying to cheer me up by saying that me being sick might mean less or no days in NICU. That would be fine with me but I am growing weary of the porcelain embrace. I almost am nuts enough to worrying about a conditioned response...that everytime I go near my lovely master bath suite I have to get prepared. I always have to pee 1st because if I don't I have both urinary incontinence and upchucking. I know, I know, TMI, TMI!!! It is just too humiliating and gross that I have to share. I have been so out of everything that I didn't know postage just went up and I sent out a bunch of invitations for Bunco night...how embarassing. When will there be mercy shown upon me?

The long weekend/ Random thoughts

Just changed a poopy diaper while trying not to barf and convince a small cute person to take a nap so she won't be crabby when G-ma comes to babysit tonight. WHEE! I am off to see Indiana Jones tonight and I am so happy to be thinking about how Harrison Ford looks with his whip and not about my sorry state of being.
Most of the town seems to be around...I think gas prices make people think twice about traveling. We really need to invent those teleportation devices. But then we would not have those wonderful car trip memories. (Mom yelling at my sister and I to quit singing so loudly. Stops at Stuckey's to drink icy cokes. Rest area bathrooms. Mc Donald's apple pies.) That's why we have children...to relive some of those times and so they can have some of those experiences.
One of my hobbies is to read People/ MSN celeb gossip. Last time I was pregnant Britney was too. This time I get to share the spotlight with Angelina. I do think she is cool...but somehow I feel like she is one of those people who are like, "HA! Pregnant! Yeah and with TWINS! I am SO MUCH COOLER than YOU!" (Not that I want twins, but it's the idea of it). I guess I had better rent my French chateau and get my helicopter on standby for my labor. That just sounds like a scary idea to me. I really like being able to drive 4 miles down the road to the hospital and get it all done there with the NICU team on alert.

Low energy

Having some ups and downs lately...emotionally more down. I see signs of depression and this of course makes me worry more. But why? Why not, as I think about it. No major problems, but little annoying things that are adding up. While I am elated that I will be having #2, my life has been really different lately.

1. Physical discomforts - as described in recent posts.
2. Emotional instability due to hormonal fluctuations
3. Tall 2 1/2 year old who has taken to sleeping with me every night.
4. Sleeping earlier/ more than usual
5. Fears and worries about what can/ can't happen
6. A feeling of being stuck for the next year or 2 and having no life.
7. Restriction on travel (partly self imposed, partly due to lack of energy).
8. Lack of marital conooduling due to 2 1/2 year old in bed (quickies just aren't the same as nightly talking and cuddling).
9. Possible work issues that may be beyond my control.
10. My thyroid may be out of whack.

Each part of my life is fulfilling and great, but together it is all wearing me out. There is a bit of hope as my ILs have agreed to give us babysitting and hotel points to a brief weekend getaway. I know a change of scenery will help. This actually all may have started even before #2 due to a very hectic winter at work and my own melancholy sometimes for a more jet set life.
I find myself being envious of other's lives that don't involve care of small children. What a thing to be thinking huh for someone who has had infertility struggles you say. I want to snap out of it but I need to deal with these feelings. One way is to blog about it, talk to my dh and friends about it, and get some help.

Getting old

This progesterone poisoning is getting kind of old. I was pretty good yesterday and then ate lunch (evil, but oh so delicious cheese covered fries!) and was tired from that point on. At 9pm I drank some water and then proceeded to lose my dinner. I have never barf/ burped before...totally disgusting. My wee one was really pissed at me for not paying her any attention and she came in while I was hugging porcelain and said, "Oh, yucky cough." Poor thing. I think I am too old for this.

I cheered up a bit today when I saw a friend that I haven't seen for a while and she confirmed the rumor that she was pregnant. 6 months pregnant and she didn't know she was! Her kids will be 15 months apart! Brave girl. It took her a long time to have #1 and it involved icky infertility stuff. She bragged, "no shots this time!"

My stomach wants to be French/ Vietnamese

I woke up with a crazy craving for the Vietnamese Bahn Mi type sandwich. I was salivating in my bed this morning about the wonderful crusty french bread that it is made on. I went to the grocery store and assembled the ingredients (I have never made this) as there is no vietnamese place within a 250 mile radius. I already got into the bread and am having cheese with it. Perhaps a glass of wine? No I don't like wine, but have a hankering for grapes. Mmmmm...I think I need more bread. I have never even been to a real French restaurant unless you count the chain La Madeline (hq in Dallas, TX). But I have eaten escargot....yummmy garlic sauce... These hormones are really nutty!

Insomnia/ Homer Simpson

Insomnia again...mostly due to a large 2 year old's head abutting against my upper back/ neck area tonight. She and dh were sleeping in her room (he on the floor by accident keeping her company while she fell asleep) but at 3am they both came trundling into the master suite where mommy was sleeping peacefully. So I have a million things running thru my head now so I thought I would just do some catch up (charge cell phone, email, etc.).

I looked at my naked self from waist up today. I totally look like Homer Simpson. Everything is pouchy. Perhaps I can blame it all on the pregnancy, but I suspect all the lazing about and take out food is not really helping. I did cook tonight, but I used a new seasoning mix that is still stuck on my tongue (ick) but is fading out. I think a lot of my crabiness is that I can't drink soft drinks and haven't been able to for the last month due to horrible heartburn. When someone is as clean living as me (no smoking no drinking), my one soda a day was my pleasure. At least I can eat doughnuts, DUH!

I don't know how anyone puts up with me

Sick and tired returned today with a sprinkling of sobbing at lunchtime over a sentimental expression on the TV show 'Househunters" and a splathering of heartburn tonight after a spaghetti dinner. I am really surprised my dh has not gone running for the nearest bachelor pad/ frat house. I rarely cry and in the middle of my cheese sandwich and campbell soup lunch, the lady on tv said "this house is not just a house to us, it's a home." I burst out sobbing and my cat looked up at me quizzically. Thank goodness no one else was home at the time...I would be really embarassed, even in front of my 2 year old. I was really craving spaghetti and my dear dh made the dinner tonight. As I was spooning up the last of the marinara sauce with my piece of bread, I recalled in my 1st pregnancy, I could not eat any canned tomato products due to ferocious heartburn. Well, this time it is ferocious x 5...sucking on TUMS at the moment...ick.

Don't get me wrong. I am really happy to be pregnant and these symptoms assure me that I still am. However, I am so not myself right now (other than the wonderful time yesterday afternoon and evening) that it is really throwing me for a loop.

A shaft of light

The last two days the sick and tired feeling have been better and this afternoon I actually have started feeling more like myself. It is such a relief to have this reprieve or hopefully the end of the symptoms of horrible fatigue and nausea that have been with me more or less all of the last 2 weeks. I prayed on Sunday night in desperation for it to relent, and I think that helped! I still have moments like this morning at work when I actually closed my eyes and put my head on my desk for a few minutes. I feel like I have been trapped in a dark dank cave and someone just let a bit of light into my world.

My so called life

8am - wake up, drag self out of bed. On occasion, 2 year old brings me a piece of fruit on a toothpick with dh yelling from the kitchen that it has been dropped on the floor. Eat it anyway

825- nauseously nuking sausage biscuit. Eat it up, yum. Must have protein or else get really cranky and nauseated by 10am

845 - drive off to work, sipping ice water or lemonade to ward off nausea/ motion sickness

9-10 - do some work

10am - eat midmorning snack. am happiest when we get breakfast burritos with hot sauce

1015-1145 - do some more work

noon - go to breakroom and either grab food from drug rep (usually something yummy) or nuke tv dinner

1230-2:30 - do more work

3:00- drive home, sipping again on lemonade/ water

3:15 - take nap if wee one is asleep, otherwise turn on TV and watch PBS with her

4:45 - start to wish dh would hurry up and come home. eat something salty

5:30-6 - discuss takeout options with dh. I have been to tired/ nauseated to cook for the last 2 weeks.

7-8 - take bath with wee one

8-9 - read stories/ watch tv

9:15 - fall asleep with wee one jumping on the bed. Dream, nausea free, about various hunky/ sensitive men who want me to be the love of their life.

8am - start all over again.

Bloated belly and the elastic waistband

I dug out my old box of maternity clothes today to find more comfy pants. My belly is unhappy with my tight pants and I've been walking around with almost unzipped pants in public/ work. It's early, but I am bloated to the max. I was internet surfing and found a clip from the alpha mom channel about dressing for the 1st trimester with designer Liz Lange. She says she is famous for kicking people out of her store for shopping too early. The main tip I got was to wear normal clothes that have some stretch. DUH! Why didn't I think of that?!?! Ha,ha,ha....sorry...

I wear normal clothes that have some stretch when I am not pregnant, so that tip is a moot point now the the stretch can't stretch anymore. Comfort and style are my mantra. I think I need to go shopping. Most of my old maternity clothes look ugly to me. So 3 years ago.

Thank you bloggers & friends, you are awesome and strong

I went back and perused a few of my favorite blogs to the time where they were in their pregnancies at the point where I am at now. I found the secret blog called Straits of Hell on the Quake Shaken Mama blog that she did when she was worried about miscarrying. It comforted me very much to know that those emotions and feelings were shared by others and I wasn't just completely off my rocker here recently. It is a horrible, abyss of unknown fear...physically paralyzing, icky stuff. All produced by the various chemicals in my brain triggered by my emotions and worries. So, thank you, I know it was not fun during that time, but thank you for writing about it. It really helped me.
Yesterday, I was at a picnic and a few gals were gathered around the table talking pregnancy stuff (no one knows I am at this point) and 2 of them talked about miscarriage...one awfully at almost 19 weeks. They are wonderful women, strong, smart, happy demeanor people. I don't know how they got through all that, but I admire their strength and faith even more.

Morning sickness/ Feeling barfy

Lucky me, I didn't have any morning sickness with #1, but #2, since Monday I have been nauseated from the moment I wake until my eyes shut and I go to sleepyland. It's not a horror show, but a constant nausea that is fortunately relieved by small sips of water (carbonated beverages make it worse...wah...no more COKES), sucking on candy, and food. Friday I felt like I was eating continuously. Ick, ick, ick...I know this is good, for it means the hormones are pumping and baby is growing. It makes doing everything else such a bigger effort than usual. Hopefully this will soon pass and I will feel better. I am thinking about trying to seasickness wrist bands...I thought I had a pair and I have ransacked the bathroom looking for them.

Houston, we have a heartbeat

Beautiful ultrasound today...heart beating away...hooray! Dates are about 1 week off, likely due to my weird cycles...will likely have a Sagittarus baby.

Keepin on, keepin on

Betas came back fine...doubling over 48 hours. Tomorrow is appt with RE and another sono to see what is going on. I feel better today, much better. Yesterday was awful because 1st, it was a Monday, the beta wasn't back yet (apparently no labs are run on the weekends), and I had an awful mess of crap coming out from the recesses of my sinuses. I think I even ran a slight fever. I slept and slept and felt better today. I think I worried myself sick. That is so awful...I felt like I was in a purgatory, not knowing. If I was more ignorant, I would be less grieved.

Why does it have to be this hard?

Last few days have been alternating between worried/stressed and whatever will happen, will happen. I am still feeling pregnant...tired, hungry, crying at any kind of touching or sentimental commericials/ movies. This morning I woke up feeling very heavy in my limbs and tired. Small brown mucous discharge appeared in my underwear, but no blood. I usually get something like this before my period, but I recall I had stuff like this and even bright red bleeding in my last pregnancy. I googled and came up with this reassuring statement: That is usually "old blood" tht is being pushed out of the uterus by the growing fetus. Also I had relations yesterday so maybe it is from that...However in light of the fact that I am not sure what is really going on, I am worried/ scared. The sermon at church helped---it was about fear and how to be reassured that God will be with us through it all. I am waiting for my 2nd beta...done yesterday. I am definitely in the WTF...why me...kind of mood...sucks. I think I am going to call my RE tomorrow and make an appointment... I want to get on with my life...but then I realize this is my life.

Nada Mucho

Well, the ultrasound didn't help much...we found the sac and my HUGE uterus, but no heartbeat. She thinks it is smaller/ less far along than I thought (size is more like 5 weeks than 6) and we'll try again next week. My BFF the OB is recommending doing 2 serial betas to make us all feel better. However, you don't usually see a heartbeat well at 5-6 weeks, so I am not freaking out yet. I am getting a beta drawn today and in 48 hours to see if it is increasing. My RE called and even before I did the U/S., she had said, oh you might not see it...you can come by and let me check later if you want. We did see a lot of blood flow and I still feel very pregnant, so I take that as good signs...

Walking on eggshells clutching my uterus

Really different this time...I call the OB office and they said we'll see you at 10 weeks. I called the RE's office to let them know and there has been no reply. I am just on my own, the emby floating along, demanding more food and giving me the weird symptom hot feet at 3am (insomia at the moment so I can post without a 2 year old demanding to change the website to Curious George). My BFF is an OB so she graciously offered to ultrasound me tomorrow so we can check out the heartbeat. In return I promised to look at her sore throat of 1 week and lecture her on how not to take antibiotics. I feel pretty good most of the time, but still have the trepidation of wondering if it is all going to turn out as I hope.

Holey moley, a positive pregnancy test!

I was at work today and decided to check a pregnancy test. I, of course, didn't have high hopes as there have been so many negative tests in the past. I dripped the urine in and watched as the fluid seeped across the test. Hard to see, this one has some crinkly plastic across the window. Hmmm...why is it making that extra line...EXTRA LINE?!? I gasped and carried the test carefully to the lab and showed my nurse. "DR KOG! YOU'RE PREGNANT!" she exclaimed. I was in shock and told her to keep it under wraps because I am very, very early in this crazy game. I called my dh as soon as I could shoo all the people interrupting me in my office and told him that this WAS NOT AN APRIL FOOL JOKE. (He said he would have really been fooled if I had and would have appreciated in a sick twisted dark humor kind of way). What's funny is that he took the crib apart yesterday for storage in the attic. So, #2, due in November, conceived likely on my 5th wedding anniversary...here we go...stick around and we'll have a ball!

Tired and bored with myself

I have been very whiny lately. Every day this past week seems to have been a chore and require a great deal of effort. The only times I am somewhat content are when wee one is snuggled up in my lap or asleep with me in the bed or telling me a story. Work was better yesterday due to the fact I had to set a broken bone. I didn't get much sleep last night due to the problems that come up sometimes with sharing a bed with a dh, a fat cat, and after 2am, wee one. I was sore all over and did luckily have a massage schedule today after work, so I had some therapeutic time. The next month will have some fun times and travel (change of scenery might help me feel content with my current life). A midlife crisis already at age 37? Or is it I am tired of being me? Everything is so distorted when I am tired like I am tonight. I think I will feel better in the morning after some zzzzzzs.

Confidence Killers

Parenting, while filled with some of the best feeling you feel in your life, is very difficult sometimes. It has been more difficult lately with these confidence killers for me.

1. Advice (ASSvise as I note many places on the internet spell it as!) from family members. "Oh, your child is clingy to you because you work and she doesn't get to be with you much"

2. Obstinate 2 year olds/ terrible twos. I have been at moments down on my knees praying for mercy/ sleep/ cessation of whining

3. Illness - the majority of family members sick OR body fluid spewing type of illness affecting wee one.

4. Babysitter flakiness/ illness - today I think a diaper I put on in the morning was still on when I came home from work

5. Developmental comparisons - you can make me shudder by saying 2 words to me, "TOILET TRAINING"

Lifestyles of the Slender

Weight is this major issue for many people in this country, especially for women who have had children. In my practice and in my life I have been asked for advice on how to lose weight. I am not sure I have much advice on how to actually lose the weight, but I have made many observations concerning those who stay normal weight and are healthy (slender is the word I used above in the title for this).

1. Eat only what you like, don't eat things you don't like. Now, if you like a lot of things this may be a problem, but I often find myself putting things in my mouth that don't really taste that good. It is more of an awareness of not to eat mindlessly.

2. Look at your family. If everyone is larger, you may have learned habits as well as genetic issues that affect your weight.

3. Unhealthy/ stressful relationships/ significant others. In one of my relationships, I ate what he ate and gained 10 lbs and gained more when we didn't get along well. In my healthier relationships, my weight remained stable.

4. Hormones. As many of us who have been through the ART gauntlet, our bodies are pushed this way and that by not only any diseases we have but also the hormones, medications, etc. Once my body settled down after a few years of stims and trigger shots, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and lifting baby arounds, I bloated and deflated and expanded and contracted to my current weight, which I am happy with.

5. Hunger. I like a bit of candy and dessert and have some everyday. A mini hershey's bar or an ice cream scoop will satisfy my tastes. One of my friends however, can't stop at just eating one piece or slice, he must eat the whole package/ pie/ etc. Is the hunger he has really for food or for something else?

6. Acceptance. Love who you are, all of you. You are not just your body. I once remarked after meeting a daughter of a acquaintance that her daughter reminded me of her. Her immediate reply was that "Oh, I wasn't fat like her then, I was skinny." I told her that's not what I meant! I was saying that her personality, mannerisms, and happy spirit reminded me of her. We all have our prejudices, but when we get to know people, you don't see their skin color or the extra 30 lbs, or the age difference. You see them, the real person. I saw the movie "Penelope" today and I loved the story of finding acceptance. It is a great movie for young girls and women especially.

Family advice

I have been quite miserable the past few days making myself miserable. My mom offered a lot of advice that I have turned into unconstructive criticism. Obviously I have some baggage with her and about my parenting. I have felt at moments like an utter failure, letting dh take over and myself crawling into bed. (I think I had some kind of stomach bug too or maybe it was those femara pills). I am more relaxed today and got some perspective on it from reading Ask Moxie (thank you God for the internet mother/sisterhood). As mine and my mother's lives are very different, because I do things differently, she may take it as criticism of her own parenting of me. That is so wild because I see her as a great, wonderful mom to me when I was a kid and I cannot even begin to do what she did without lots of help. She had no help from family or babysitters very much, and was with us at home most of the time except when she was earning her graduate degree in case something happened to my dad. I work outside the home, have Ils in town, a nanny, and am the primary earner in my household. We are different and I can only live my life.

Perhaps some of my reaction is my own insecurity about what I am doing. There are so many choices, ways to do things...I am still agonizing over combinations of preschool, nanny, etc.

What happened?

G-ma is visiting us this week and wee one has been alternating between sweet angel child and bratty, crying, tantrumy kid. Make us look like such great parents, huh!?! This week has been really, really hard...not hard like a sick kid hard, but hard like we have no idea what to do, end of our rope, tension headaches kind of hard. She cries dramatically (she can turn it off also), and refuses to listen to what we ask of her. Naps skipped, etc. Now interstingly, at school she has been really good. Our nanny is out with a bad back but is due to return Friday. Two days this week I flipped my schedule a bit to spend more time at home with her so G-ma wouldn't have that much to do. Perhaps all this is too much change for her.
Pray for us!

Femara Day 3

Well, here I am taking fertility drugs. I like these 2008 drugs so far. I picked up my script and started taking my pill twice a day. I'll see the RE on Wed and find out what I am supposed to do next. I have a whatever will be, will be attitude. My RE says it is because I already have one child so that is why I am not as uptight as I was 5 years ago. No obvious bad side effects yet. Have twingy feelings in my right ovary and am sleeping very soundly. Today had lots of energy...did all kinds of domestic activities - shopping, gardening, cooking, laundry, ironing (?!?WTF) in addition to my work/ mom duties. Crazy...it may not be the drugs...my mom is coming for a visit and I am preparing the household for inspection!!!!

Let's forget about this week

I woke up on Monday, dizzy, feverish, and in no shape to go to work. Thankfully dh had a holiday and took wee one off to school while I dozed and drank sprite. At noon the school called and wee one was running a fever. She got home, looking flushed, tired and I got 104 on the thermometer and had the tylenol ready. That night she woke and caused me some panic again as she ran up to 104. We spent a few hours together, tylenoling/ motrining, and cool washclothing. I almost called the ER...however, the temp came down to 101 and we both fell asleep. I woke up not sick and wee one was still sick but seemingly better. I decided not to take her to the doctor as she was giggling and eating a large tortilla. I stayed home with her and after her nap the fever came back. I called the doctor and made an appointment. We saw the doctor who thought it was a throat infection and gave her some antibiotics. It was a full house at her office, but the building she is in has valet parking! Awesome.... Today, wee one has no fever and spit her medicine out this morning. I have concealed it in some chocolate milk and am hoping for the best. Oh...and my sitter threw her back out this week too...Over and out...

Preschool stress

I didn't think I was going to be doing this so soon....stressing over school for my kid. Well I did it a bit last year too over the parents day out program, huh! I went to visit the best preschool (at least that is what all my friends, family, etc. are telling me) in town and sent in an application. Apparently there was a huge baby boom 3 years ago and there is now a waiting list. There used to not be in the past years, but of course, now there is. It is probably the perfect school other that it is totally on the other side of our town, just about as far away as you can be from our house without going outside the city limits. I am thinking I am a weenie, but can I really handle getting up a hour earlier than usual, dressing wee one (who refused to change out of her pjs last week twice) and making the drive to get her to school at 8:15 and getting to work on time? No more lolling in bed while the nanny shows up or leisurely getting ready for mother's day out which starts at 9:30 am. I will keep my babysitter, hopefully she will be able to pick her up for lunch and nap in the afternoons.

This is a real school, going all the way up to 6th grade (we may or may not stay as we have good public schools). I am not really stressed about academic stuff or things like that, I just want wee one to have some everyday kid interactions and not just be out and about the town with the nanny. I have received some signs that this is the place: the principal taught my dh and my sil in high school, my 2 closest friends have their kids there, I keep running into people who go there. But the biggest obstacle may be this: toilet trained! Oh, well, if not by then, we'll do another year of more leisurely life.

A Fat Lip

Wee one did a face plant Sunday while I was at a church meeting and my MIL was babysitting. She seemed fine when I got home (MIL was very worried), but when she got up from her nap I noticed her lower lip was very swollen and that there was dried blood every where. Yikes! There was one wiggly front tooth, and I decided as she seemed ok otherwise and was drinking milk, I would just watch her. She did fine, the lip swelling more in the evening, but I did take her to the Pedi dentist yesterday and he took an xray. Everything is going to be ok, the tooth is a bit loose but should tighten up. Today she looks even better. Poor thing...she loved the dentist's office...totally geared for kids.

Bedtime Temper Tantrums

We have been dealing with a few months of pushing the limits types of temper tamtrums
at bedtime. This weekend we converted the crib to toddler bed mode hoping it would help. It has somewhat (and she is staying in her bed most of the night), but she is really trying to see what she can get away with. The best way I have dealt with it is to ignore her when she behaves to the contrary and she usually comes around and does what she needs to do. A lot of it is a power struggle. What she wants vs. what I/ dad wants her to do. She stayed in pajamas all day today as the babysitter couldn't get her to change! Oh boy, wait till we get to the teen years!

Femara, a new hope

I went to see my RE the other day for a general check up and to discuss what she thought about me getting help to get pregnant again. I had a good checkup and she scanned my pissed ovary, which turned out to show it had just ovulated. She told me it was time to try and offered up a new drug she is using instead of clomid, Femara. I am to call her when Aunt Flo shows up. I felt pretty sure I want to do this again, but after this week of pain and my visit with her, I am not sure again. Conflicted, unsure, etc. I told my dh and now I am worried he will run off with a younger, more fertile person. (I have a history of men leaving me...leftover baggage) After a fitful night of sleep and weird dreams, I am still not quite sure but I thought, I am stronger, better, more fertile than I may think and dh is an idiot if he would do something like that (any man would be). Some of it maybe after talking with my mom, she told me she doesn't think I should do the "shots" again. technically, femara is pills, so maybe I should think/ pray about it more.
My dh would like for us to get pregnant the old fashioned way (I would too), but he was there with me through thick and thin of the stuff leading up to IVF. Perhaps, I am just content now to have the three of us...terrible twos really makes me reconsider having another one.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! It is the year of the Rat (my dh). I forgot until now and at dinner I made Tostadas. Oh well, todos hacen un ano bueno.

My ovary is pissed

Saturday morning, I woke up with a funny lower back pain that I attributed to having worked a very long stressful week. It got worse over the day and I felt a little better after a warm bath. I joked to my dh that it was probably my ovary as it was 2 week ago that AF came. I figured a good night's sleep and I would be fine. Well, I woke up better but the pain came back and I felt swollen over my right lower abdomen area. More pain killers...I busted out the ones from my surgery I had this summer. Today it got worse and I couldn't concentrate on my work so I called up my doc and they got me in. He agreed with me that it was likely my ovary...cyst prob but it didn't feel humongous or anything. He gave me more painkillers and I have an ultrasound on Wed. It is mostly bearable except at night when I want to sleep so I take something. I hate taking something, but it helps me get some rest. I have this thought that my mind has now told my body it wants another baby and the egg is struggling to get out but is stuck in my ovary....blame it all on hormones. I am exhausted by the pain and hope it resolves soon.

Karen Katz books

Recently I got wee one the 4 book set of Karen Katz flap books that she has really enjoyed. She already had the Grandpa one, but she had ripped all the flaps out about 1 year ago and I wanted to get the other members in this family series. So we have Grandpa and me make a pizza, Grandma visits and brings gifts, Dad and me use cool tools (a saw!), and Where is Mommy? The observation I have made after reading this series a few times us that Grandpa, Grandma, and Daddy all are doing neat things with baby and Mommy (noted on the 1st page if the book as to be playing hide and seek), is HIDING from her child. Hiding in her bed with the covers pulled up ....my dh jokes, "I just can't take it anymore!" Maybe I am just jaded....

I Think We're Done

One of my colleagues at work excited announced that he was expecting today. That's the most excited and happy I have ever seen him, and I was genuinely pleased to hear the good news. Also especially after he explained that they had been trying and suffered some losses in the process. I congratulated him and told him I had a lot of baby stuff to pass on as we were probably done. I paused after he left. Did I really say that out loud? Am I really done? Is that just me facing my deep subconscious thoughts that I was done having children? Of course, I guess either way you look at it...keep baby stuff for another baby or give stuff away to make room for new stuff (feng sui)...new baby...new stuff...more shopping!

JUICE!

My whole entire day (except for a few bathroom breaks and one mercifully taken naptime) has been devoted to watching juice being spilled/ thrown/ leaked all over my house. I have just finished mopping and putting wee one in her crib/ cage. How do you lecture (I did) a 2 1/2 year old on not WASTING food? I know I will look back on this later and be amused, but I am just at the end of my rope now. I know that most of this is limit testing and toddler experimentation with liquids and flow. It is just very difficult to watch it in real time. We did do a time out today (2nd one in her life) after she threw a cup of juice/ cherries/ etc at me in the kitchen in frustration. It was effective and she came out saying "SORRWY" and "What happened?" Those temper tantrums sure are rough on her.

Spent

This has been a hard week for me to get through. The flu visited our home and I so far am the only healthy one. Wee one is improving, but dh is still quite ill. I have been holding it together, going to work and coming home to take care of everyone, but tonight at about 9pm, I just didn't have any more energy, patience, or giving left in me. Wisely, I did escape to the shower and told everyone NOT to ask me for anything for about 1/2 an hour. I have noticed I have been eating a lot...emotional eating to cope with everyone being sick. I know this too shall pass...I keep saying to myself, next week will be better!

Drama Queen

Bedtime has become this great dramatic ordeal the last few weeks. Bath, then pajamas (which itself is an ordeal of nudity, negiotiation, and making sure the correct pajamas are chosen). Most nights she is in bed by 9pm (although I would prefer 8:30) and not really asleep until 10. Naps are only 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, early or mid afternoon. She likes to hop into our bed then hops out and asks for stories. We read in her room, change a diaper and get settled into bed. Sometimes there is crying, sometimes not. Lights out. Then every 5-10 minutes there is a
plea for something. Tonight began with complete disrobing, followed by request for milk, and the finale was diaper of smelly, smelly poo pellets, which mommy (who thought she was crying wolf) stuck her nose into and got a big Freaking whiff of. There has been poo the last THREE NIGHTS!!!

The Illness game

Home today with a sick child and menstrual cramps from he-double hockey sticks. I knew this was coming. 1. I was mentioning the other day to a friend that my child has never been on antibiotics before (and that I was lucky). 2. I missed last month's Aunt Flo and was hoping to be pregnant. Anyhoo...that's life. Wee one is better and is napping right now. I should be at work corralling all the sick people in my clinic (they just call and are getting OVERFLOW from the emergency room!), but I must take care of my own first. Thankfully, I have level-headed colleagues and its payback time for all the times I covered their butts.
Speaking of butts, I found my old bottle of glucophage and decided to take it again to ward off some of my PCOS, but I have had uncontrollably bad smelling gaseous emissions from my posterior since my ingesting of 1 pill at 1130 am today. So much for that plan. Thankfully, my dh is at work and I live in a big house.

Brain massage

Yesterday while our dh's were hitting little white balls around the local golf course, my friend and I went to the park with our kiddies and fed the ducks. It was a beautiful day...a little on the cool windy side, but blue skies and clear air otherwise. As a frequent watcher of Curious George on PBS, one of my favorite episodes is George feeding the ducks and the narrator comments that that activity was like getting a "brain massage." As enjoyable and relaxing as the ducks were, I enjoyed more watching the kids play together and frolic in and about the ducks and pigeons that had gathered around. We went to get some lunch and even got free ice cream! A wonderful day, after the nutty week I have experienced. The nice day was also meaningful as my friend will be moving away soon. I will miss her and I know she is moving on to better things. I am glad we could have this memorable day together.

Foodgasm/ Recurrent dreams

For those of you fortunate enough to live near a Chick-fil-a (usually in a mall but we have free standing ones here with awesome toddler playlands), go have one of their milkshakes. Pure bliss! I am going to get fat on them.

Went back to work this week and have been having recurrent dreams (last 2 nights) about getting lost/ being detained/ suffering emotional stress while trying to get to where wee one and dh are. I don't know what is going on in my subconscious. Perhaps all those days of togetherness during the holidays and then going back to work have made me worry about my time with my family. The 1st dream I found them in time, but wee one was older and bigger. Last night's dream, I called and only got the answering machine. The funny thing is that I have cut back on my work hours temporarily due to some organizational issues. Hmmmm....I really need a better nights sleep.