Mom daughter mall time

Yesterday I had an unexpected day off from work due to a miscommunication with dh. It turned out to be great because wee one and I got to go shopping. Not just any shopping, but post-Christmas 60-80% off shopping. We got shoes, jeans, pants, shirts from different cool kids places and ate gyros in the food court. We sure did have fun together. Reminded me of when my mom and I used to go except that wee one primarily communicates with me in non verbal ways. At Gymboree she found the TV area and happily watched Elmo and played with the other kids as all the moms frantically poked thru the sale racks. Such fun! I finally got her some pants that fit her. Turns out she is 12-18 months on bottom and 18-24/ 2T on the top. No more sets for her...only seperates until everything evens out. At Old Navy we got comfy pants, jean pants, cargo pants, stretch pants...so fashionable in such small sizes.

Post-Christmas

1. I hate writing thank you notes. I have been raised properly and have this compulsion to write thank you notes. It is the right thing to do. While I agree with the sentiment and acknowledgement of another's thoughtfulness or generosity, I hate the chore of it. No matter how much I break it down. I think it has been worse since going through a 400 guest wedding and a 150 guest baby shower.

2. I hate overeating. Of course I want to try all the goodies that come with parties and dinners. And while I have a pretty good internal "it's time to stop" I find myself regretting a few things (or many things) I have eaten these last 2 weeks. My favorite hor derve so far...mushroom pastries by Nancy (frozen)....fungus have to be healthy, right?

3. I hate being on someone else's schedule. Family gatherings are wonderful, but I don't get much control as to when and what is happening like I do in usual life. Meal times, nap times, all are at the whims of traditions, family members, people who drop in, etc.

4. I hate the guilt of taking time off from work to do above things. I have to remind myself in the big picture, it doesn't matter how much I work, but how much life I got to live.

5. I hate being negative but this is one of the few places I can let down the fake smiles and cheer to vent it out. And, yes I feel better now...ready to get on with life.

Spoon

Tonight we went to Grandma's house and ate beef stew for dinner. Wee one was poking her spoon in her bowl as usual. She likes to poke it in her food and has been more interested lately in it, but most of her eating is still by hand. I gave her a few spoons of soup and then I started eating. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her dipping her spoon in, lifting it up to her lips and sipping her soup with very little dripping off the edges. She did this over and over again and even got some of the vegetables in. She took her square of cornbread and broke it into piece and dropped then into her soup. Then she spoon up the bread soaked soup to eat. She ate a lot...perhaps a growth spurt or perhaps the novelty of using a utensil to get food in. So cool!

The joys of motherhood

I am really liking this age of childhood right now. Wee one is cute, funny, talktative (baby babble...nothing is actually in plain American English), and all around entertaining and easily entertained. She walks, she sleeps at night, and when she eats, it is fun to watch how much she can pack away. Today I gave her some soup and afterwards she took the bowl and spoon and "fed" me. Later on, I saw her trying to feed her stuffed bear. I tried to get a picture, but she saw me and wanted the camera.

Superbitchy

Yesterday I had a meltdown. It was the last day of Aunt Flo, dh & I went to Target for some early Xmas Shopping, I had a nice lunch, I picked out paint colors for the new house, and all was well. Then wee one had bubbly noises in her pants and I unwrapped them to be greeted with DIARRHEA. I undressed her and gave her a bath. DH came in to ask me if I was sure it was diarrhea and I told him I could take the dripping diaper out of the wastecan if he wished to see it. Then I started crying.

He, of course, was my dh, having witnessed a few of my hormonal imbalances once before was comforting and gave me hugs through the rest of the day even when I was really, really trying to bite his head off. He said I had been thorough a lot of things (sickness, foot injury, family gatherings) this past week. I babbled on about how much I missed the Christmases of my childhood church (as we attend his family's church, it is really, really different...no Advent, no candles, no music, nothing but a modern auditorium), and how I didn't think I could create the uber-Christmas festivals his Mom created (and still creates) each year...we have no tree as I gave ours away thinking we'd be moving by now and getting a new one. He reminded me that I was doing fine and that he didn't expect any uber Christmas festivals, etc. and that if it helped we could attend my style of church as needed. He is the best.

I am ok today after some sleep and candy and spending some $$ at the Nordstrom website. I think I was just worn out.

Toddler food

Wee one is currently eating a chocolate Power Bar (dh's breakfast of choice). I know, bad mom, will have hyper toddler for the next few hours. Make me think wistfully of the days of breast vs. formula.

Blahs

Woke up last night at 4AM with a temp of 102...felt crappy...baby had had a temp of 103 that afternoon earlier. I also had some diarrhea and lo and behold, my period started. Dizzy, weak, and full of Tylenol (and a super tampon), I went to work today (also cold front blew through and it is windy, windy, windy and 32 outside), but decided to cut my day short and head home at noon. I know I am sick because I don't want to eat. I fell better now, but tired. I have been doing too many things lately...I need to slow down a bit. One of my patients asked me if I had had my 2nd child already as she had heard I was pregnant. I said no, and I was not aware of this. (And besides, my period has been making regular appearances). I know, these blahs will pass.

Thanksgiving memories

1. DH improved but continued to have some unplesant GI problems that had me yelling "Vent fan!" each time he entered the bathroom.
2. Broke 4th toe on left foot going to get a cookie out of my kitchen pantry on Thanksgiving night.
3. Have never broken a bone before. Have never screamed "FUCK!!!!!!" out loud in my house before.
4. Flew to Vegas for my sister's wedding.
5. Hobbled up aisle as gracefully as possible, as priest called me a "crip"
6. DH incredibly helpful with wee one and patient with me inspite of issues as noted above.
7. Loved seeing my family and meeting new family
8. Finally relaxed few hours before wedding as I laid by the pool in the sun while dh played with wee one
9. Wee one looked adorable in cute dress (velvet and satin...got at Wally world for only $17....colors matched wedding party). Even drill seargent church lady/ wedding coordinator called her a little angel
10. Got thru airport and flew home with nary a problem.

Happy now and tired. HAPPY TG everyone!

Yet something else to stress about

Well, dh got a new litterbox and so far the last 2 evenings have been free of me griping about the cat pee all over the floor.

However, dh somehow got a stomach bug today and now I am terrified that wee one or I will get sick and somehow miss Thanksgiving and my only sister's wedding. My stomach just churns to think about it. I have been willing it not to happen.

UPDATE: DH just got out of bed (for the 1st time in the last 8 hours) and peed and said, "I feel a whole lot better."

UPDATE 5 minutes later: DH is sitting in front of TV eating cereal and watching "Sex and the City"...he REALLY is sick.

Pissing on the floor

OK, the Thanksgiving holiday is coming up, I can't find the remote to my TIVO (last seen in the possession of wee one 4 days ago), my sister is getting married this Saturday, and I am bringing wee one on a trip to Las Vegas for the wedding, and what am I stressed out about?

One of my cats is peeing on the floor under/ next to the litter box. I don't know which one is doing it or how or why it is happening, but I can't stand smell the horrible odor of cat urine in the back part of my house. My DH is currently out purchasing a new litter box in hopes that this will stop happening and that his wife will stop being in a pissy mood.

One of the cats had a bladder blockage a few years ago, but the symptoms did not include peeing on the floor near the box. They seem healthy and normal as usual so I have no idea what is going on.

Adjustment Disorder

From Wikipedia:

In psychology, adjustment disorder refers to a psychological disturbance that develops in response to a stressor. Adjustment disorders are caused by specific sources of stress, such as severe personal crisis (divorce, death of loved one, recent abuse. recent job changes) or major unexpected negative events (tornado or fire destroys a person's home). The usual symptoms mimic depression, anxiety, or sleep disorder; however the disturbance disorder is short-term and can usually be treated with counseling or mild short-term medication. If the problem persists more than six months after removal of the stressor, the person may have a more permanent problem, such as a genuine mood or sleep disorder.

Well folks, going through infertility treatments for a few years, finally getting pregnant, the ups and downs of preterm bleeding, premature labor, NICU stay, and what not would qualify in my mind to be just as or more stressful than changing jobs in the workforce. DUH! Add sleep deprivation, a baby's needs in the 1st year, and witnessing your dh go about life in mostly the same manner as before baby (except for playtime with the wee one and asking me if I am sure about what I am doing to/with the baby), and I think we have a set up here for some psychological turmoil. I honestly think that I am finally beginning to emerge from my own bout with this. Now, not that everything I have, feel, or think has to have a diagnosis or a label, but somehow it makes me feel better that I am not really going crazy sometimes. There have been so many times in the last 2 years when I feel so out of control or teetering on the edge of it. And now, that feeling is much less intense and not felt as often. Of course, some of that is part of being a parent, being a mother. I just needed to think about this out loud, get it down on the blog and now, reflect, and hope that others might benefit from my own "ah ha" moment. Or I hope most of you just have more "ha, ha" moments....so here's a joke.


The perfect woman meets the perfect man and they have the perfect courtship, engagement, wedding, and honeymoon. They are driving to get home and it is Christmas. There is a hitchhiker and they pick him up. It is Santa Claus. The road is slick and they have a bad car accident. There is only one survivor. Who is it?







Answer: The perfect woman. Because there is no such thing as a perfect man or S.C.

(Well, actually I believe in the spirit of S.C)

20/20

Apparently there was a program on 20/20 tonight about balancing motherhood and career. I was lolling about in my big bathtub with last week's People magazine, saw the ad for it in there ("WHAT EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA SHOULD WATCH!!!) and by the time I got out, it was over. I told my dh and he said, "Oh, probably one of those preachy segments about how one should live one's life." It is probably better that I missed it as I have recently been able to reconcile all my mixed emotions about adjusting to motherhood. Well, at least I caught my other "WHAT EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA SHOULD WATCH" programs, "Grey's Anatomy" "Ugly Betty" "Survivor (Yul is SO HOT), and "Desperate Housewives" on my TIVO.

The Wee One is getting over Croup, a nasty bruise/bump/ skinned forehead from a fall from the sidewalk to the asphalt alley (Yes, I was the one watching her...bad mommy), and living with 2 cats (one skinny and barfy and one fat and silent) and 2 often goofy parents (bedtime included made up hand motions to the songs on her Bible songs Karaoke book).

Blair Witch

My Little Blair Witch

WIMPY ASS MOTHER SPEAKING

Well, we completed our 1st airplane trip with Wee One to visit grandparents who live 500 miles away. We survived a 3 hour delay (thankfully waiting was done in the open spaciousness of the terminal and not trapped in a plane) and orange level security and presenting our baby bottle of milk at the security checkpoint to be scrutinized. I am not sure I can do it again. I really like the flexibility of car travel and I am physically tired from the baby and stuff lugging around. Planes are really cramped and not too fun with a wiggly toddler either. Her bottle rolled under my seat and under the feet of the lady behind me. Wee One saw it and cried for it. I did some kind of body contortion and had to dive head first to try to get it. Then the lady behind me had to help. I should have sent Wee One to get it.

YES, I AM A WIMPY ASS MOTHER. So for all those who backpack with their kids thru Europe and trek in the African jungle and jetset to New Zealand, I applaud you but I cannot be you. Actually we were jetsetters in a way as we traveled to attend my sister's engagement party....Wee One Paris Hilton!

Bon Appetit

This post is in response to a question by Frances on what our kids are eating these days and how to help them eat more/ better. As you will see, I will be reading, with interest, the responses to her post.

This week, my wee one is eating:

Fruit Loops (must be dropped onto the carpet and then picked up into her hand and then shoved into her mouth so she can barely chew)

Grapes (halved by Mom to avoid choking). Currently she is limited to 8 grapes a sitting to avoid gastric upset/ diarrhea diapers.

Small spoonfuls of rice or oatmeal (no more than 3-4 a meal)

Eggs, just the yolks please

Frozen, Italian Style Meatballs simmered in tomato sauce or sweet and sour sauce

Ice cream (fed by Daddy or Mommy)

Macaroni and Cheese. Prefers to pick up in hand by herself.

Small trees of Broccoli (must be simmered on stove with a bit of chicken broth...does not like microwaved kind)

Nutter Butter bite sized cookies pilfered out of large bag in pantry

Milk/ Hot Chocolate/ Juicy Juice Fruit Punch/ Yoplait Yogurt Nouriche Smoothie (bought by mommy in hopes of completing missing nutrients in diet)

Gummy Bear vitamins(limited to one per day when Mommy remembers to give them to her)

Hello Kitty Fruit Juice flavored Gummy snacks (ate almost whole mini bag in one sitting before Mommy realized and took away, loud, angry crying with hot tears followed)

(Please don't turn me into the nutrition police)

Dude, where's my house

Well, everyone can say "we told you so." I checked in with the builders and they are far from 45 days of completion of the new house. I can really blame anyone except that the local economy is so good that it is hard to find people (subcontractors) to do stuff and enough employees to do it. They said, more like 60 days. Well, I'll add +15 to that. I talked to the realtor and decided after getting 2 offers less than asking price, we will take the house off for a while until it looks like our new house might be ready. I want to sell, but not now and be homeless/ having to move twice...yikes. So it is some relief actually to be able to leave my stuff scattered about in my own home and having some more time to deal with all these matters.

Do you see a theme? I am always so impatient for everything...I guess I have that strong, urgent lifeforce thing going on. But I can readjust and deal with it.

Walkin around

Nanny MIA/ Sweating the small stuff

It has been 4 days since the nanny has been at work. She had a family emergency that she was out for and I just got a call that she will not be in tomorrow. I am grateful to have her daughter as a back-up for tomorrow as my back-up (MIL) is out of town. She is usually very realiable, on time, but every few months, I have to deal with her family emergencies and trips to Mexico. (She is a citizen of US but has family there). The baby does very well with her and is always happy to see her so I am grateful for that.

So, so far the baby in my care with MIL's help this past week, we are doing well. It actually helped me with my stress to be focused mostly on her. Why and I stressed you ask? I keep asking myself that and then I think about it:

1. Selling current house and it just went MLS so everyone wants to see it. So must keep it tidy and clean...v.v. difficult with small toddler scattering things and DH who leaves different articles of clothing (esp shoes) all over house.

2. Building new house and every choice we make for the house costs us more $$$

3. Work is getting busy and have new employee I have been training.

4. Keep getting minor colds/ viral illnesses (mouth apthous ulcers). have sore neck muscle and only today could I turn to look behind me and when passing cars while driving

5. Crabby, PMS feelings, interspersed with spikes of horniness (DH has been happy about that), spotting menstrual cycle that has no pattern

So, nothing major, but these little things add up.

Anger Management

I woke up in the early hours of the morning with my fists clenched and my mind filled with angry dreams. This morning I was dreaming about the pain of my spouse cheating on me. My 1st marriage ended in this kind of miserable circumstance, public, private pain and suffering. I was so angry and certain that all men (except my Dad and a few kind exceptions) were all out to screw women over. My current spouse and I have a very different kind of relationship (i.e. healthy most days) from my 1st marriage. I don't think the dream was about him personally but about the idea of losing trust in men because of their penises.

As I lay there this morning in the dark room while everyone else slept, I thought, I hated feeling this angry. I hate it that I ever had to feel this way. In my dream, I was thinking that I was not sure I could go thru that kind of experience again. I would survive, but it was fatiguing even to think about it. As I became more lucid, I thought about going thru that horrible experience (I gave up living close to my family, gave up living in a bigger, more cosmopolitan city) and how it actually had to happen. It had to happen in order for me to live the life I live today. That horrible experience of finding out my own husband was cheating and lying and the difficult divorce that followed was a life changing moment for me. I thought my life was completely over, dead, but a new life was beginning for me. A happier, healthier, more normal life with a loving husband and beautiful daughter. No lies, no secrets, no hiding emotions, no worries that my husband will fly off the handle if I said the wrong thing or didn't pour his drink the right way. No more phone calls every 2 hours to check in on me. A life where I can be myself, say, do, think, eat what I choose. I look back and I am not even sure who that woman 7 years ago was.

I have been trying to figure out why I dreamt this, and the only thing is that I have a new (male) employee that had started a few weeks ago. I have finished training/ orientation with him, and about to let him work more independently. I have to trust him working under my license and so far he has been great except for a slight wobble yesterday in which I had to come in and do my thing. Maybe that all it was about. Hope I get a better nights sleep tonight. Or maybe it was my hormones...ha, ha. ha

Falling down, getting up

For some reason the last few days I have been a bit disoriented. Tonight I feel like I am not sure what is going on, like I am in the dark. It may have something to do with me losing a key to unlock a storage shed in the back of my house (full of junk for my upcoming garage sale) or maybe the fact that the baby is transforming into a toddler right before my eyes. She has been taking a few steps here and there, mostly crawling up until about 2 days ago when she started toddling around on her own 2 feet. At the padded play area at the local mall, she was practically running, albeit, walking, running, falling, getting back up, running, climbing, etc. My mind seems to be mirroring her physical development right now. I took her there again today to the mall just to watch the joy in her face as she ran around and played.

Naying the Naysayers

Have you ever heard that saying that you can't have it all? That if you are a successful mom then you can't be successful at work/ singing in the church choir/ being a happy wife/ caring friend/ loving daughter... I don't know who said that or what kind of mood they were in, but that echoes unfortunately through my head sometimes, a pessimistic chant of well, this particular situation turned out ok, but something else is going to fall apart. It is not often I think about this, because most of the time I am happy and optimistic. I don't know why this creeps up every now and then. What is ALL anyway? For each individual person that could mean a whole bunch of things or just a few, changing with each moment of life. For Anna Nichole Smith, it might mean all the millions and billions of dollars she was to inherit or just a few more moments with her lost son.

All this freakin stuff

I, like many other people who have been newly blessed with children, have decided, with my DH, to move houses. This in theory seems to be the RIGHT thing to do now that we have acquired a little person and necessary accessories that go with raising her in the American Way. I have been excitedly planning and picking and it has been going quite well so far. Then I went out to our storage shed where we keep stuff we are not using and REALITY hit me. We are going to have to MOVE all this FREAKIN STUFF. And I am sure as we live in a new house that is 1000 sq foot larger than our current home, we will get more FREAKIN STUFF. I have many periods of simplfication and decluttering, and I try not to consume more than my share, but why do I need so many accessories to live? Ha, ha, ha....well, anyway, there's always the good old American tradition of the Garage Sale.

Labor Day

It is cold and rainy here today, quite unusual for this area this time of the year. The baby is napping, lunch is baking, clothes are washing, and life is peaceful except for the mild headcold I have.

I picked the latest avatar I have to show my nerdy yet fashionable side. The biology classroom was one of my favorite places in school. That was my alt career if I didn't go to medical school. I am not sure how long I would have lasted as a school teacher as talking to a crowd of people is fun, but it takes a lot of energy out of me. The summer vacation would have been nice. My 9th grade science teacher was one of my favorite teachers. She used to tell us the she was admitted to medical school and when she started she was married and became pregnant. She couldn't physically handle it so she quit and became a teacher and eventually had 3 or 4 kids (I can't remember). A few years later, I found out she had quit teaching and gone to medical school and is now a family doctor. I remember thinking, YAY for her, to get to live her dream.

Working Moms

Below is an interesting article that appeared a while back. Apparently provoked a lot of debate and controversy. I enjoyed it.


Homeward Bound
From our December issue: “Choice feminism” claims that staying home with the kids is just one more feminist option. Funny that most men rarely make the same “choice.” Exactly what kind of choice is that?
By Linda Hirshman

http://24.116.93.176/web/view-web.ww?id=10659

This link the the follow up commentary

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/06/16/AR2006061601766_pf.html

Fortemet

Finally saw the RE last week for my checkup. She says about 50% of her practice is actually annual exams, esp for women with special needs (i.e. anxious, I only want to see a woman needs?!) It was nice to see her again and catch up. She asked why I didn't bring the baby...I told her, won't people be upset seeing a baby in an IF clinic? She said, no, her patients don't mind. She said they did mind when she used to office with an MFM specialist and all the high risk pregnant teenagers were more annoying to the infertiles.

So all was checked and as I joked to the nurse the only problem I had was that I was having regular periods...quite weird for me as someone who always was irregular or amenorrheic. RE suggested Fortemet for less GI upset and to help my PCOS. Started it yesterday, feel tired, but also may be due to the fact I am trying to lower my carbs. I really would like to have another child, preferably without the emotional rollercoaster of IVF, but we'll see. I was imagining the other day that taking 2 small kids to the grocery store would be harder that just my one munchkin right now. My Dh said that I probably would not ever take both of them!

Memories

I had a brain bloop today and for a few moments I was having a flashback of emotions. I was feeling all those feelings of trying, failing, wanting, trying again, failing, trying, trying, failing, crying, trying, etc of inferility treatments. That everything that reminded me of babies or being invited to events where there would be babies, pregnant women just made me cringe deep down inside. How unfair it was that it seemed to me that so many people took their fertility for granted. And then I came back to the present and how I thought that past me would not be able to be around the present me without breaking down and being envious.

Period

I have gone from never having a period to having too many. I am a PCOS and basically means to me, that all me messed up in the reproductive organs of my body. I have been putting off going to see the RE again as I keep hoping I'll get knocked up naturally and not need her services. Of course, I can see her to get my pap done and discuss what would be best for me. I suspect my avoidance is because I know the treatment to regulate the cycle will consistent of birth control pills. I never, never, ever want to be on birth control again. I don't have a physical problem or reaction to them, but it seems so counterintuitive to be an infertile on birth control pills. Of course irregular bleeding could be something bad, so I do really need to get a checkup. Sigh.

Couch French Fry

My little one is a very active child. She rarely sits and almost never in my lap for very long. Today when I fetched her from her afternoon nap, I sat down on the couch with her, her bottle, and a small bag of Cheetos in front of my favorite TV program of the moment, "Sell this House" on A&E. She totally sat on my lap thru the whole program (granted I FF thru the commercials via TIVO) and we munched on orange extruded corn products. Hmmm...maybe this is the answer to how to get her to sit thru church or on a plane. 15 minutes felt like an hour!

Women at War

(Note: this is part of a comment I made on Frances' blog)

I am not sure if there is a word to describe what people go through for fertility. Brave? Desperate? Pitiful? Insane? Maybe some combination of all of these or at least one of these feelings at one time or another. The basic human desire to procreate vs. the reality of the limitations of one's health, age, social circumstances ($$) are at battle here. So perhaps it is a conflict, women at war. Sometimes losing,winning, suffering, wounded, and all that stuff that we are not expecting.

I think the pressure of success is even greater after a successful IVF. But all of us must find peace with whatever is next, be it another child or not. I am not sure how long that is going to take me to do.

The Eyes Have it

Took little miss to the eye doctor today because she has been noted by pediatrician and both grandmothers to have crossed eyes. Our eye doctor is a family friend and he welcomed her with a hug and a kiss...I can't wait to have grandchildren, he said. Well she has a condition called accomodative esotropia. This means that she is farsighted and when she focuses it causes her eyes to cross. Apparently is is very mild and the treatment right now is glasses. I just wonder if she will keep them on...we'll see.

Welcome to my new blog

Well, I decided it was time to move on. The title of the last one, I felt, would mislead people to think I was still talking about IVF right now. So I have a new title. Keep on keepin on girl...my slang for perserverance. That is my mom's one word description of me. I think we were playing some kind of game and she came up with that. That I hang in there until I get my stuff done. Happy reading!