Anger Management

I woke up in the early hours of the morning with my fists clenched and my mind filled with angry dreams. This morning I was dreaming about the pain of my spouse cheating on me. My 1st marriage ended in this kind of miserable circumstance, public, private pain and suffering. I was so angry and certain that all men (except my Dad and a few kind exceptions) were all out to screw women over. My current spouse and I have a very different kind of relationship (i.e. healthy most days) from my 1st marriage. I don't think the dream was about him personally but about the idea of losing trust in men because of their penises.

As I lay there this morning in the dark room while everyone else slept, I thought, I hated feeling this angry. I hate it that I ever had to feel this way. In my dream, I was thinking that I was not sure I could go thru that kind of experience again. I would survive, but it was fatiguing even to think about it. As I became more lucid, I thought about going thru that horrible experience (I gave up living close to my family, gave up living in a bigger, more cosmopolitan city) and how it actually had to happen. It had to happen in order for me to live the life I live today. That horrible experience of finding out my own husband was cheating and lying and the difficult divorce that followed was a life changing moment for me. I thought my life was completely over, dead, but a new life was beginning for me. A happier, healthier, more normal life with a loving husband and beautiful daughter. No lies, no secrets, no hiding emotions, no worries that my husband will fly off the handle if I said the wrong thing or didn't pour his drink the right way. No more phone calls every 2 hours to check in on me. A life where I can be myself, say, do, think, eat what I choose. I look back and I am not even sure who that woman 7 years ago was.

I have been trying to figure out why I dreamt this, and the only thing is that I have a new (male) employee that had started a few weeks ago. I have finished training/ orientation with him, and about to let him work more independently. I have to trust him working under my license and so far he has been great except for a slight wobble yesterday in which I had to come in and do my thing. Maybe that all it was about. Hope I get a better nights sleep tonight. Or maybe it was my hormones...ha, ha. ha