Lifestyles of the Slender

Weight is this major issue for many people in this country, especially for women who have had children. In my practice and in my life I have been asked for advice on how to lose weight. I am not sure I have much advice on how to actually lose the weight, but I have made many observations concerning those who stay normal weight and are healthy (slender is the word I used above in the title for this).

1. Eat only what you like, don't eat things you don't like. Now, if you like a lot of things this may be a problem, but I often find myself putting things in my mouth that don't really taste that good. It is more of an awareness of not to eat mindlessly.

2. Look at your family. If everyone is larger, you may have learned habits as well as genetic issues that affect your weight.

3. Unhealthy/ stressful relationships/ significant others. In one of my relationships, I ate what he ate and gained 10 lbs and gained more when we didn't get along well. In my healthier relationships, my weight remained stable.

4. Hormones. As many of us who have been through the ART gauntlet, our bodies are pushed this way and that by not only any diseases we have but also the hormones, medications, etc. Once my body settled down after a few years of stims and trigger shots, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and lifting baby arounds, I bloated and deflated and expanded and contracted to my current weight, which I am happy with.

5. Hunger. I like a bit of candy and dessert and have some everyday. A mini hershey's bar or an ice cream scoop will satisfy my tastes. One of my friends however, can't stop at just eating one piece or slice, he must eat the whole package/ pie/ etc. Is the hunger he has really for food or for something else?

6. Acceptance. Love who you are, all of you. You are not just your body. I once remarked after meeting a daughter of a acquaintance that her daughter reminded me of her. Her immediate reply was that "Oh, I wasn't fat like her then, I was skinny." I told her that's not what I meant! I was saying that her personality, mannerisms, and happy spirit reminded me of her. We all have our prejudices, but when we get to know people, you don't see their skin color or the extra 30 lbs, or the age difference. You see them, the real person. I saw the movie "Penelope" today and I loved the story of finding acceptance. It is a great movie for young girls and women especially.

Family advice

I have been quite miserable the past few days making myself miserable. My mom offered a lot of advice that I have turned into unconstructive criticism. Obviously I have some baggage with her and about my parenting. I have felt at moments like an utter failure, letting dh take over and myself crawling into bed. (I think I had some kind of stomach bug too or maybe it was those femara pills). I am more relaxed today and got some perspective on it from reading Ask Moxie (thank you God for the internet mother/sisterhood). As mine and my mother's lives are very different, because I do things differently, she may take it as criticism of her own parenting of me. That is so wild because I see her as a great, wonderful mom to me when I was a kid and I cannot even begin to do what she did without lots of help. She had no help from family or babysitters very much, and was with us at home most of the time except when she was earning her graduate degree in case something happened to my dad. I work outside the home, have Ils in town, a nanny, and am the primary earner in my household. We are different and I can only live my life.

Perhaps some of my reaction is my own insecurity about what I am doing. There are so many choices, ways to do things...I am still agonizing over combinations of preschool, nanny, etc.

What happened?

G-ma is visiting us this week and wee one has been alternating between sweet angel child and bratty, crying, tantrumy kid. Make us look like such great parents, huh!?! This week has been really, really hard...not hard like a sick kid hard, but hard like we have no idea what to do, end of our rope, tension headaches kind of hard. She cries dramatically (she can turn it off also), and refuses to listen to what we ask of her. Naps skipped, etc. Now interstingly, at school she has been really good. Our nanny is out with a bad back but is due to return Friday. Two days this week I flipped my schedule a bit to spend more time at home with her so G-ma wouldn't have that much to do. Perhaps all this is too much change for her.
Pray for us!

Femara Day 3

Well, here I am taking fertility drugs. I like these 2008 drugs so far. I picked up my script and started taking my pill twice a day. I'll see the RE on Wed and find out what I am supposed to do next. I have a whatever will be, will be attitude. My RE says it is because I already have one child so that is why I am not as uptight as I was 5 years ago. No obvious bad side effects yet. Have twingy feelings in my right ovary and am sleeping very soundly. Today had lots of energy...did all kinds of domestic activities - shopping, gardening, cooking, laundry, ironing (?!?WTF) in addition to my work/ mom duties. Crazy...it may not be the drugs...my mom is coming for a visit and I am preparing the household for inspection!!!!

Let's forget about this week

I woke up on Monday, dizzy, feverish, and in no shape to go to work. Thankfully dh had a holiday and took wee one off to school while I dozed and drank sprite. At noon the school called and wee one was running a fever. She got home, looking flushed, tired and I got 104 on the thermometer and had the tylenol ready. That night she woke and caused me some panic again as she ran up to 104. We spent a few hours together, tylenoling/ motrining, and cool washclothing. I almost called the ER...however, the temp came down to 101 and we both fell asleep. I woke up not sick and wee one was still sick but seemingly better. I decided not to take her to the doctor as she was giggling and eating a large tortilla. I stayed home with her and after her nap the fever came back. I called the doctor and made an appointment. We saw the doctor who thought it was a throat infection and gave her some antibiotics. It was a full house at her office, but the building she is in has valet parking! Awesome.... Today, wee one has no fever and spit her medicine out this morning. I have concealed it in some chocolate milk and am hoping for the best. Oh...and my sitter threw her back out this week too...Over and out...

Preschool stress

I didn't think I was going to be doing this so soon....stressing over school for my kid. Well I did it a bit last year too over the parents day out program, huh! I went to visit the best preschool (at least that is what all my friends, family, etc. are telling me) in town and sent in an application. Apparently there was a huge baby boom 3 years ago and there is now a waiting list. There used to not be in the past years, but of course, now there is. It is probably the perfect school other that it is totally on the other side of our town, just about as far away as you can be from our house without going outside the city limits. I am thinking I am a weenie, but can I really handle getting up a hour earlier than usual, dressing wee one (who refused to change out of her pjs last week twice) and making the drive to get her to school at 8:15 and getting to work on time? No more lolling in bed while the nanny shows up or leisurely getting ready for mother's day out which starts at 9:30 am. I will keep my babysitter, hopefully she will be able to pick her up for lunch and nap in the afternoons.

This is a real school, going all the way up to 6th grade (we may or may not stay as we have good public schools). I am not really stressed about academic stuff or things like that, I just want wee one to have some everyday kid interactions and not just be out and about the town with the nanny. I have received some signs that this is the place: the principal taught my dh and my sil in high school, my 2 closest friends have their kids there, I keep running into people who go there. But the biggest obstacle may be this: toilet trained! Oh, well, if not by then, we'll do another year of more leisurely life.

A Fat Lip

Wee one did a face plant Sunday while I was at a church meeting and my MIL was babysitting. She seemed fine when I got home (MIL was very worried), but when she got up from her nap I noticed her lower lip was very swollen and that there was dried blood every where. Yikes! There was one wiggly front tooth, and I decided as she seemed ok otherwise and was drinking milk, I would just watch her. She did fine, the lip swelling more in the evening, but I did take her to the Pedi dentist yesterday and he took an xray. Everything is going to be ok, the tooth is a bit loose but should tighten up. Today she looks even better. Poor thing...she loved the dentist's office...totally geared for kids.

Bedtime Temper Tantrums

We have been dealing with a few months of pushing the limits types of temper tamtrums
at bedtime. This weekend we converted the crib to toddler bed mode hoping it would help. It has somewhat (and she is staying in her bed most of the night), but she is really trying to see what she can get away with. The best way I have dealt with it is to ignore her when she behaves to the contrary and she usually comes around and does what she needs to do. A lot of it is a power struggle. What she wants vs. what I/ dad wants her to do. She stayed in pajamas all day today as the babysitter couldn't get her to change! Oh boy, wait till we get to the teen years!

Femara, a new hope

I went to see my RE the other day for a general check up and to discuss what she thought about me getting help to get pregnant again. I had a good checkup and she scanned my pissed ovary, which turned out to show it had just ovulated. She told me it was time to try and offered up a new drug she is using instead of clomid, Femara. I am to call her when Aunt Flo shows up. I felt pretty sure I want to do this again, but after this week of pain and my visit with her, I am not sure again. Conflicted, unsure, etc. I told my dh and now I am worried he will run off with a younger, more fertile person. (I have a history of men leaving me...leftover baggage) After a fitful night of sleep and weird dreams, I am still not quite sure but I thought, I am stronger, better, more fertile than I may think and dh is an idiot if he would do something like that (any man would be). Some of it maybe after talking with my mom, she told me she doesn't think I should do the "shots" again. technically, femara is pills, so maybe I should think/ pray about it more.
My dh would like for us to get pregnant the old fashioned way (I would too), but he was there with me through thick and thin of the stuff leading up to IVF. Perhaps, I am just content now to have the three of us...terrible twos really makes me reconsider having another one.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! It is the year of the Rat (my dh). I forgot until now and at dinner I made Tostadas. Oh well, todos hacen un ano bueno.

My ovary is pissed

Saturday morning, I woke up with a funny lower back pain that I attributed to having worked a very long stressful week. It got worse over the day and I felt a little better after a warm bath. I joked to my dh that it was probably my ovary as it was 2 week ago that AF came. I figured a good night's sleep and I would be fine. Well, I woke up better but the pain came back and I felt swollen over my right lower abdomen area. More pain killers...I busted out the ones from my surgery I had this summer. Today it got worse and I couldn't concentrate on my work so I called up my doc and they got me in. He agreed with me that it was likely my ovary...cyst prob but it didn't feel humongous or anything. He gave me more painkillers and I have an ultrasound on Wed. It is mostly bearable except at night when I want to sleep so I take something. I hate taking something, but it helps me get some rest. I have this thought that my mind has now told my body it wants another baby and the egg is struggling to get out but is stuck in my ovary....blame it all on hormones. I am exhausted by the pain and hope it resolves soon.

Karen Katz books

Recently I got wee one the 4 book set of Karen Katz flap books that she has really enjoyed. She already had the Grandpa one, but she had ripped all the flaps out about 1 year ago and I wanted to get the other members in this family series. So we have Grandpa and me make a pizza, Grandma visits and brings gifts, Dad and me use cool tools (a saw!), and Where is Mommy? The observation I have made after reading this series a few times us that Grandpa, Grandma, and Daddy all are doing neat things with baby and Mommy (noted on the 1st page if the book as to be playing hide and seek), is HIDING from her child. Hiding in her bed with the covers pulled up ....my dh jokes, "I just can't take it anymore!" Maybe I am just jaded....

I Think We're Done

One of my colleagues at work excited announced that he was expecting today. That's the most excited and happy I have ever seen him, and I was genuinely pleased to hear the good news. Also especially after he explained that they had been trying and suffered some losses in the process. I congratulated him and told him I had a lot of baby stuff to pass on as we were probably done. I paused after he left. Did I really say that out loud? Am I really done? Is that just me facing my deep subconscious thoughts that I was done having children? Of course, I guess either way you look at it...keep baby stuff for another baby or give stuff away to make room for new stuff (feng sui)...new baby...new stuff...more shopping!

JUICE!

My whole entire day (except for a few bathroom breaks and one mercifully taken naptime) has been devoted to watching juice being spilled/ thrown/ leaked all over my house. I have just finished mopping and putting wee one in her crib/ cage. How do you lecture (I did) a 2 1/2 year old on not WASTING food? I know I will look back on this later and be amused, but I am just at the end of my rope now. I know that most of this is limit testing and toddler experimentation with liquids and flow. It is just very difficult to watch it in real time. We did do a time out today (2nd one in her life) after she threw a cup of juice/ cherries/ etc at me in the kitchen in frustration. It was effective and she came out saying "SORRWY" and "What happened?" Those temper tantrums sure are rough on her.

Spent

This has been a hard week for me to get through. The flu visited our home and I so far am the only healthy one. Wee one is improving, but dh is still quite ill. I have been holding it together, going to work and coming home to take care of everyone, but tonight at about 9pm, I just didn't have any more energy, patience, or giving left in me. Wisely, I did escape to the shower and told everyone NOT to ask me for anything for about 1/2 an hour. I have noticed I have been eating a lot...emotional eating to cope with everyone being sick. I know this too shall pass...I keep saying to myself, next week will be better!

Drama Queen

Bedtime has become this great dramatic ordeal the last few weeks. Bath, then pajamas (which itself is an ordeal of nudity, negiotiation, and making sure the correct pajamas are chosen). Most nights she is in bed by 9pm (although I would prefer 8:30) and not really asleep until 10. Naps are only 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, early or mid afternoon. She likes to hop into our bed then hops out and asks for stories. We read in her room, change a diaper and get settled into bed. Sometimes there is crying, sometimes not. Lights out. Then every 5-10 minutes there is a
plea for something. Tonight began with complete disrobing, followed by request for milk, and the finale was diaper of smelly, smelly poo pellets, which mommy (who thought she was crying wolf) stuck her nose into and got a big Freaking whiff of. There has been poo the last THREE NIGHTS!!!

The Illness game

Home today with a sick child and menstrual cramps from he-double hockey sticks. I knew this was coming. 1. I was mentioning the other day to a friend that my child has never been on antibiotics before (and that I was lucky). 2. I missed last month's Aunt Flo and was hoping to be pregnant. Anyhoo...that's life. Wee one is better and is napping right now. I should be at work corralling all the sick people in my clinic (they just call and are getting OVERFLOW from the emergency room!), but I must take care of my own first. Thankfully, I have level-headed colleagues and its payback time for all the times I covered their butts.
Speaking of butts, I found my old bottle of glucophage and decided to take it again to ward off some of my PCOS, but I have had uncontrollably bad smelling gaseous emissions from my posterior since my ingesting of 1 pill at 1130 am today. So much for that plan. Thankfully, my dh is at work and I live in a big house.

Brain massage

Yesterday while our dh's were hitting little white balls around the local golf course, my friend and I went to the park with our kiddies and fed the ducks. It was a beautiful day...a little on the cool windy side, but blue skies and clear air otherwise. As a frequent watcher of Curious George on PBS, one of my favorite episodes is George feeding the ducks and the narrator comments that that activity was like getting a "brain massage." As enjoyable and relaxing as the ducks were, I enjoyed more watching the kids play together and frolic in and about the ducks and pigeons that had gathered around. We went to get some lunch and even got free ice cream! A wonderful day, after the nutty week I have experienced. The nice day was also meaningful as my friend will be moving away soon. I will miss her and I know she is moving on to better things. I am glad we could have this memorable day together.

Foodgasm/ Recurrent dreams

For those of you fortunate enough to live near a Chick-fil-a (usually in a mall but we have free standing ones here with awesome toddler playlands), go have one of their milkshakes. Pure bliss! I am going to get fat on them.

Went back to work this week and have been having recurrent dreams (last 2 nights) about getting lost/ being detained/ suffering emotional stress while trying to get to where wee one and dh are. I don't know what is going on in my subconscious. Perhaps all those days of togetherness during the holidays and then going back to work have made me worry about my time with my family. The 1st dream I found them in time, but wee one was older and bigger. Last night's dream, I called and only got the answering machine. The funny thing is that I have cut back on my work hours temporarily due to some organizational issues. Hmmmm....I really need a better nights sleep.

One of those days

Today I am having one of those days. Those kind of days that find one digging into a big bag of wavy lays and french onion dip while typing on her blog. Work was overwhelming, I was biting my tongue not to chew anyone out, wee one was screaming her head off, overtired, and needing but not wanting a nap (just stopped screaming about 2 minutes ago), and I just got back from a trip to stock on all those important things we need (chips, dip, milk and apple juice) at Wally world. I should be really relaxed and tension free. I have the next 4 days off and we canceled our 8 hour road trip to see family that we were going to take. So why is my heart racing, muscles tense, and my head all muddled? I haven't had any caffiene today and my thyroid medication has not changed in 10 years.

My email devotional this morning advised me to pray about people with holiday depression. Maybe I am one of those people. Or maybe I am about to start me period. I took one of those wishful thinking pregnancy tests yesterday because I felt really tired and had to pee a lot. Negative, just a bladder infection instead.

I think I really have had enough "holiday" time. I am ready to go back to my regular routine. I don't like change and I have been getting this feeling that change is coming. I don't know when, but something is going to happen and I have the feeling I am going to have to make decisions. I had a dream last night that I was checking into a hotel and they were telling me my room number was 2 different numbers. Confusion, chaos. And I have am ugly rash on the side of my right hand.

I have no idea why I am feeling this way. Everything in my life is actually pretty good at this moment. I have a good job, good husband, good kid, and good health.
Maybe the next few days will bring me some clarity.