Day 2 - negative checking positive karaoke

Back to work after a week off for Xmas...so hopefully I earned some $$.  Brought leftovers for lunch so didn't spend there.  Tonight am buying Chinese for New Years Eve dinner as my folks are here.  Logged in online and realized my credit card bills for this month exceeded the amount I have in my checking account...ouch.  Had to do an emergency transfer from my savings to cover the bills.  ICK!  I had been paying some extra on my mortgage (more than needed) so I am going to scale that back to make up the savings debit and then try again later in the year.  So that should really enforce my desire to be more mindful of what I am spending.

Giving - I am loaning our karaoke machine to the church youth group for their New Year's Eve party.

Day 1 - Target beckons but is barren

Shopping at Target today but with very specific needs - 1 robe for Loulou...lost hers, I have no idea where, refills for our label maker and some undershirts as the weather has turned chilly here.  Found the shirts, but not a robe in sight and they didn't have our brand of refill for the labelmaker at Target.  Let her buy a pack of gum at checkout after shushing her requests for toys and art supplies (kid, we just had Xmas!!!).  Went on Amazon and ordered new robe and some cartridges for label maker.  Put some movies on my amazon wishlist to watch in the future.

Giving - taught preschool class at church and had a fun time painting kids hands so they could handprint.  It was cold and grey and it was hard to get out of bed.  

Not shopping, giving

I think about this once in a while...not shopping and seeing if I can save some $$$.  I have so many things and too much stuff in some areas of my life.  But there is such an allure of shopping, choosing, purchasing.  So here's what I'll try to do.

1.  All catalogs go straight to the recycle bin.  (I have already opted out of them but they show up when I buy something.)
2,  Email shopping goes straight to the junk folder.
3.  Credit cards will be less accessible.
4.  If I have to, I will put things on a wish list and not into the shopping basket.
5.  At the end of 1 month, I will examine my wish list and choose 1 thing if any at all.
6.  I will use the money I save to put away for future big things (car) or things for others (gifts, charitable contributions).
7.  I will blog about any emotions, struggles I have with this in hopes that it will help others as well as help me.

Playing House

Nora. What do you consider my most sacred duties? Helmer. Do I need to tell you that? Are they not your duties to your husband and your children? Nora. I have other duties just as sacred. Helmer. That you have not. What duties could those be? Nora. Duties to myself. Helmer. Before all else, you are a wife and a mother. Nora. I don't believe that any longer. I believe that before all else I am a reasonable human being, just as you are--or, at all events, that I must try and become one. I know quite well, Torvald, that most people would think you right, and that views of that kind are to be found in books; but I can no longer content myself with what most people say, or with what is found in books. I must think over things for myself and get to understand them. "A Doll's House" Henrik Ibsen

Mean Girls?

My dh and I have been very fortunate over the years of our marriage to have some very good friends, nice acquaintences, and genuinely sincere people in the social parts of our lives. That's why it's puzzling to us that there was some strange behavior on the part of a person who was part of a group we had plans with. Due to various issues, our plans had to be cancelled. This person notified me and I replied ok. My dh said, why don't you ask them to do something with us since they would be free now too. This person replied, oh, I think I am going to do xyz. Fine and good. However later in the day near dinner time, they called us and asked us to go to dinner. As we had already made other plans, we declined.

I did mention we and another couple in the original group had decided to go out the next night and they were welcome to come - I even had a sitter willing to watch their kid too. She said, Sounds great! So the next day, I saw this person's spouse and he said oh, we missed you guys last night. So I mentioned the next dinner, and they said, oh, we can't make it because of xyz and but we're going to lunch right now if you want to go. xyz was kind of a weird excuse again. (We didn't go to lunch due to our schedule)


I am pretty secure so I can blow this off or just write off that this person had
weird social skills. Perhaps she is just too honest and doesn't see that it is kind of off-putting to others. I think my dh was more bothered about it than I!

Easter Fun

We've enjoyed a 3 day weekend so far and I'm pooped. All I did today was get up, fix breakfast, go with the kids to a big easter egg hunt/ party, come home and watch a netflix movie (old Julia Roberts - Runaway Bride), and cook tacos for dinner. I am already tired of cleaning up easter egg debris from the floor. Maybe it's because there are some big storm systems in the area and I don't like changes in the barometric pressure. I'm just lazy today. Tomorrow is church and brunch with family.

My mother in law has been through a big surgery and some health issues and is doing better. I can tell that because she is stressing about the regular things now (social events, parties, etc) instead of how she's feeling. She's really unusual for most folks her age (79) in that she never talks much about her health. We have to force her to go see her doctor. So I'm glad she is almost her usual self again - even if I feel like an underachiever in my social schedule/ roster of daily activities compared to hers! I know I should not compare myself to anyone else, but she is intimidating. Raised 4 kids, ran/ still runs a large business with her husband, board member of several community organizations, member of several clubs, travels extensively (foreign country at least once a year), etc. Glad I'm the 2nd daughter-in-law!

Clean your screen

I have been cursing and annoyed at my computer the last few weeks. When I am typing, the cursor bounces around and I can't even log on sometimes because of that. I was contemplating getting a new computer (maybe go back to an apple) or getting it fixed ($$$). I fretted about a virus. I even used my husband's computer to work on some travel reservations as it was getting so bad.

When it 1st started, I had mentioned it to dh and he didn't know what to do. I changed the batteries in the wireless mouse and keyboard. I complained about it again at dinner 2 days ago and he said, "Maybe the touch screen is going out. That would be bad." I frowned and said, why did I buy a computer with that? And my iphone does too and it gets beaten up worse than my computer. Then he said, "Maybe you need to clean your screen." DUH! perhaps the kids sticky fingers and cat hair all around has a effect. I wiped it all down and since then, no scrambling cursor or letters.

It's funny how the solution to the problem can be so simple and cheap and I didn't even think about it.

Behind

My RE is leaving town. Not for business reasons, but for personal reasons. I am sad to see her go. I got to eat lunch with her and one of my best friends last week. She has helped so many people in our community and even farther away. I was/ am her patient as well as a professional colleague, even though we are not in the same specialty. She said, I can't believe its been 10 years and this is the 1st time we've gotten all together to eat lunch. That is sad...I always didn't feel like it was my place to become friends with her, but I guess it might have helped. I do feel good that one of my friends I did sent to her as a patient became very good friends with her. But even my best friend and I even struggle to make time to meet each other...and it has only gotten better this past year, as we finally have children out of diapers (almost!). Most of my friends and socializing are with people not in my profession - I may have made that choice unconsciously in order to diversify my brain a bit!

Wanna be like Mom

I signed up for vacation bible school refreshments yesterday at the VBS meeting at our church. I feel proud to be following in my mother's footsteps as Queen of Refreshments at summer VBS. I was always her helper, feeding hungry little kids. I did one day last year too. So I was thinking, am I paying tribute to her, doing what our family does best (feeding people) or am I just trying to live up to her example? Part of this is I am thinking, ok, what have I gotten myself into? Things to know - this is a new church, and apparently with a very, very large turnout of kids each summer, I work outside the home at least 6-7 hours a day, and I still have a little one in diapers. I am nuts, huh? Well, maybe I am just used to being an overachiever or just busy.

Certainly, it is not the hardest job at this thing (Don't make me do a drama presentation, etc) and I have done similar before. I will have helpers and usually the kitchen is the favorite hangout of everyone else so it should be fun.

Old

So, am I too old and too tired to even be attempting to go without birth control? I have IVF with #1 and then fertility drugs (femara) for #2 and years of no contraception while trying to have them. So, I had used again after #2, an IUD that made me so crazy I pulled it out and then pills that have caused me to have a menstrual cycle every 2-3 weeks. And now for the past 2 weeks, I have not used anything. For the last 3 years I have been very certain that I am done. For the past few weeks, I am not sure. I mean, yeah, I am old. 40, not 30, not 25, not even 38. I am tired. I have 2 kids under the age of 6. I work outside the home, about 30 hours a week. I have to have help - dh, nanny, family in town. And my nanny is getting near retirement age. So the obvious answer would be to talk to my gyn about doing some other method or doing a permanent type of no more babies. But it is that ambivelence, that crazy what about if I could even have another one. Or that is so unlikely I would get pregnant it's not worth the hassle to my body. My dh does know and he feels he is still young enough for more kids, sort of, hah!

Lazy Mom

We've had a nice spring break in this part of the world. My dh and I took off to New York City for a few days and came back refreshed, renewed, and relaxed. The GP's came and minded the kids and it was so nice not to change a diaper for 4 whole days!!!

I am still feeling lazy as my parents are still here (until tomorrow)and there are extra hands in the house to help. Monday is coming up soon and it will be back to normal life. Part of me is happy about that and part of me wishes this time off to linger on.

Pink hair

I was visiting a blog about food and linked to one named Tired Mom Diaries. I believe I found my Halloween twin. Here's me as my alter ego:

I miss blogging

I am so happy that there is still some blogging going on here. Facebook has claimed most of my (limited) internet time now and it has been fun to catch up with old friends. It's easy to check in with my phone when I have a moment. But it doesn't allow for extended thoughts and the veil of anonymity that this medium allows for.

So I will be back trying to blog more. Last night I was reading through some of my posts in 2008 and relived the memories of that year. It felt good to do that and I laugh at some of the things I have written. The comments tab is new to me and I deleted the spam and was touched by all the comments that were given to me that year. Quake Shaken Momma, Dee, Day, Irish Girl, Galloping Cat, I've missed you all.

Blogging lives!

Be Grateful

I was browsing thru a women's magazine today and came upon an article about gratitude. It was unique for me in that it suggested to write the problem thing you have down, cross it out and the write an item that is counter to that for which you are grateful. So, I will try that here now:

One employee at my work has a bad attitude.
One employee at my work has a bad attitude.

Everyone else I work with has a good or even great attitude.



Lou lou makes big messes and doesn't clean up after her craft projects.
Lou lou makes big messes and doesn't clean up after her craft projects.

Lou lou makes Valentines for me all year round.


OK, I'll do one more to make it a set of 3.

My dh doesn't cook and is clueless in the kitchen sometimes.
My dh doesn't cook and is clueless in the kitchen sometimes.

My dh washes the dishes and will gladly bring home take-out whenever I ask (or take me out when we can).

Dinner Table

Girls sitting at dinner table eating happily and hungrily tonight. What's for dinner? Mommy's homemade macaroni and cheese? Her wonderful tortilla veggie soup? He exquisite poached chicken with onion mushroom sauce and steamed rice? No, No, and No. McDonald's Happy Meals and corn on the cob from Long John Silvers. Drive thru dinner as one parent is out at a meeting and the other is tired.

Scary day

Yesterday, Lala was eating lunch when suddenly it seemed like she fell asleep with her eyes open. I thought, well, she is tired from a busy morning and it is past her usual nap time. I changed her diaper and put her down in the crib and noted she was very calm, eyes wide and straight ahead. I picked her up when I notice she wasn't responding to me as usual. Her arms and legs started shaking and she looked pale and ashy. I had a cold, chilling feeling go thru me as I picked her up and started patting her and calling her name. I yelled for my other daughter to get the phone. Then she gagged and vomited up some mucous. She cried, looked like herself again and then snuggled into me. Shaking, I held her and my mom brain, barely functioning. My doctor brain turned on and I thought about that it sure did look like a seizure. Her breathing slowed to normal and she fell asleep.

My dh came home a few moments later and noted she was burning up. She took some water and when she was alert I gave her some tylenol. At that point, I was trying to figure out if she had choked or had had a seizure, one associated with fever. Should I take her to the ER or just watch how she does. I held her and was reassured by her calm, normal breathing. She woke up about 30 min. later and was normal acting, if a bit grumpy and needing to be held. Her fever was down and she drank milk hungrily.

I have treated and counseled many patients on the condition of febrile seizure and have seen it, but it is certainly different when it is my own child. I watched her like a hawk since and she had no temperature more than 99 and then all normal today since afternoon. I examined her ears and throat and lungs and all looked ok. I'll seen how she is in the morning and call the pediatrician if anything is awry.

Oh Church Where Art Thou?

A few months ago, we started a journey of visiting churches as we decided to see what was going on in our community. It has certainly been an interesting experience and each place we have been to almost always has surprised us. Mostly it has been fun and encouraging to see how people in our town worship and the variety of ways in which they do it. We have seen large, fancy buildings and small humble ones, and a mix in between. Just in our local neighborhood there is a variety. We have seen a few friends here and there and my husband asked me today, where do our friends go to church? Sadly, that is not a common topic or thing discussed much. Some of our friends were at our old church and the rest of our friends are a fruit bowl of Christian denominations or don't go to church. I am not sure if we are going to pick one soon, we have no set deadline, but it would be good to find one place where we can start getting involved. That is, how can we give/ contribute to a place that is right for us. I think it has boiled down to where our kids are cared for while we worship, that the dogma of the church is acceptable, has some music, friendly folks, and that we can get there in a reasonable time on Sunday morning.

Hmmm...

Was chatting with a mom I know about back to school stuff. She was upset as her child's class had been split up to form 2 new classes due to overcrowding and that her child was the only person of her ethnicity in the newly formed class. She was going to meet with the school officials today to discuss her concerns to have a more mixed/ balanced class and had contacted a local private school about openings.

Tonight I have some various thoughts about it including whether it is a issue of ethnicity, culture, or being a minority. Our city is basically half White, half Hispanic, and a teeny bit of other. I am an other, so through my elementary school career, I was the only one of my race in my classes too. Never thought too much about it except when kids were making fun of my funny eyes or asked if I spoke English.

Now the acquaintance is ethnically White, so it does pose some interesting questions. Certainly I can see the point of a parent being concerned about her kid being picked on, snubbed, or excluded. But the way kids(people) can be, you can be picked on for almost anything...

My dh doesn't get my concerns about this issue (he is white) or might just not have been in the mood to talk about it (screaming 5 year old in bathtub while we were trying to have a conversation). Our offspring are a mixed breed, so they are probably the only ones of their ethnic background in their class too. Maybe it is just kind of weird as our school district is manic about the balance of ethnic groups that kids are bussed around to get the right mix and to satisfy a lawsuit/ desegregation issues from many years past. I don't know.

Mother Love

I have been reading the book Eat Pray Love again after seeing the recent movie and it has made me think about meditation. I used to do yoga classes regularly and enjoyed the movement part of it but didn't get much out of the meditation part of it due to my mind being too busy. But feeling a bit spiritually adrift/ radio silence lately, I decided to try a bit this morning. Just 5-10 minutes and not even enough time for some yoga before, but hey, I'm a mom on a busy morning schedule. So I am sitting in my room and trying to listen for God. This time I tried to be specific on what I wanted to know about. We are in the midst of exploring church congregations and I wanted some guidance about that. The word/ feeling I got was LOVE. Then my mind wandered over to my work schedule and if I should mess with it/ do less? And the answer I heard was USE YOUR GIFTS. Lastly, I asked for guidance about my family (my husband and my 2 kids specifically) and wow, I started to feel emotional, an overwhelming emotion of LOVE and DEVOTION. I wanted to hang on to the feeling, but it was fading as my furry kitty cat brushed across my leg and brought me back. So, maybe this was just a "popcorn" style meditation but I will keep trying to do this...less jabbering from me and more listening.

Rookie Moms

I read a funny article last night about "rookie moms," you know those who stress about the minutae and blog about all the details of their little ones lives. Yeah, that's me I am talking about. But, as the article goes along, it says those rookies will turn into veterans and become jaded and tired and occasionally wanting to run away. I think I am in that transition period now, or at least I was this weekend. Bad enough to have me googling "mom burnout" last night at 9pm, looking for any nonstop flights out of my town on southwest, and finding this article. I certainly became sorry for myself...crabbily report to my dh...no one appreciates me!!! I didn't get to do any fun things this weekend!!! Wah, wah, wah...kind of annoying huh?! Weekends had been some good and some bad. I, of course, do a lot of it to myself. Cooking, cleaning, etc...but it has to be done sometimes.

I did learn an interesting tidbit based on this weekend's misadventures. Loulou got mad at me and told me I could not do things for her any more...like bringing chocolate milk on demand while she is watching tv. That only daddy could. Well...that's actually a good thing maybe. She doesn't seem that mad at me this morning!!! An article linked to the one above noted that previous generations of children were the staff of the family and today's generation of children were the bosses. I am not sure I like either comparison. I think we should be adults and kids and everyone pitch in whenever they can.

So here is a rookie-turning veteran mom, pondering over the minutae and generalities of my life as a mom.