I don't know how anyone puts up with me

Sick and tired returned today with a sprinkling of sobbing at lunchtime over a sentimental expression on the TV show 'Househunters" and a splathering of heartburn tonight after a spaghetti dinner. I am really surprised my dh has not gone running for the nearest bachelor pad/ frat house. I rarely cry and in the middle of my cheese sandwich and campbell soup lunch, the lady on tv said "this house is not just a house to us, it's a home." I burst out sobbing and my cat looked up at me quizzically. Thank goodness no one else was home at the time...I would be really embarassed, even in front of my 2 year old. I was really craving spaghetti and my dear dh made the dinner tonight. As I was spooning up the last of the marinara sauce with my piece of bread, I recalled in my 1st pregnancy, I could not eat any canned tomato products due to ferocious heartburn. Well, this time it is ferocious x 5...sucking on TUMS at the moment...ick.

Don't get me wrong. I am really happy to be pregnant and these symptoms assure me that I still am. However, I am so not myself right now (other than the wonderful time yesterday afternoon and evening) that it is really throwing me for a loop.

A shaft of light

The last two days the sick and tired feeling have been better and this afternoon I actually have started feeling more like myself. It is such a relief to have this reprieve or hopefully the end of the symptoms of horrible fatigue and nausea that have been with me more or less all of the last 2 weeks. I prayed on Sunday night in desperation for it to relent, and I think that helped! I still have moments like this morning at work when I actually closed my eyes and put my head on my desk for a few minutes. I feel like I have been trapped in a dark dank cave and someone just let a bit of light into my world.

My so called life

8am - wake up, drag self out of bed. On occasion, 2 year old brings me a piece of fruit on a toothpick with dh yelling from the kitchen that it has been dropped on the floor. Eat it anyway

825- nauseously nuking sausage biscuit. Eat it up, yum. Must have protein or else get really cranky and nauseated by 10am

845 - drive off to work, sipping ice water or lemonade to ward off nausea/ motion sickness

9-10 - do some work

10am - eat midmorning snack. am happiest when we get breakfast burritos with hot sauce

1015-1145 - do some more work

noon - go to breakroom and either grab food from drug rep (usually something yummy) or nuke tv dinner

1230-2:30 - do more work

3:00- drive home, sipping again on lemonade/ water

3:15 - take nap if wee one is asleep, otherwise turn on TV and watch PBS with her

4:45 - start to wish dh would hurry up and come home. eat something salty

5:30-6 - discuss takeout options with dh. I have been to tired/ nauseated to cook for the last 2 weeks.

7-8 - take bath with wee one

8-9 - read stories/ watch tv

9:15 - fall asleep with wee one jumping on the bed. Dream, nausea free, about various hunky/ sensitive men who want me to be the love of their life.

8am - start all over again.

Bloated belly and the elastic waistband

I dug out my old box of maternity clothes today to find more comfy pants. My belly is unhappy with my tight pants and I've been walking around with almost unzipped pants in public/ work. It's early, but I am bloated to the max. I was internet surfing and found a clip from the alpha mom channel about dressing for the 1st trimester with designer Liz Lange. She says she is famous for kicking people out of her store for shopping too early. The main tip I got was to wear normal clothes that have some stretch. DUH! Why didn't I think of that?!?! Ha,ha,ha....sorry...

I wear normal clothes that have some stretch when I am not pregnant, so that tip is a moot point now the the stretch can't stretch anymore. Comfort and style are my mantra. I think I need to go shopping. Most of my old maternity clothes look ugly to me. So 3 years ago.

Thank you bloggers & friends, you are awesome and strong

I went back and perused a few of my favorite blogs to the time where they were in their pregnancies at the point where I am at now. I found the secret blog called Straits of Hell on the Quake Shaken Mama blog that she did when she was worried about miscarrying. It comforted me very much to know that those emotions and feelings were shared by others and I wasn't just completely off my rocker here recently. It is a horrible, abyss of unknown fear...physically paralyzing, icky stuff. All produced by the various chemicals in my brain triggered by my emotions and worries. So, thank you, I know it was not fun during that time, but thank you for writing about it. It really helped me.
Yesterday, I was at a picnic and a few gals were gathered around the table talking pregnancy stuff (no one knows I am at this point) and 2 of them talked about miscarriage...one awfully at almost 19 weeks. They are wonderful women, strong, smart, happy demeanor people. I don't know how they got through all that, but I admire their strength and faith even more.

Morning sickness/ Feeling barfy

Lucky me, I didn't have any morning sickness with #1, but #2, since Monday I have been nauseated from the moment I wake until my eyes shut and I go to sleepyland. It's not a horror show, but a constant nausea that is fortunately relieved by small sips of water (carbonated beverages make it worse...wah...no more COKES), sucking on candy, and food. Friday I felt like I was eating continuously. Ick, ick, ick...I know this is good, for it means the hormones are pumping and baby is growing. It makes doing everything else such a bigger effort than usual. Hopefully this will soon pass and I will feel better. I am thinking about trying to seasickness wrist bands...I thought I had a pair and I have ransacked the bathroom looking for them.

Houston, we have a heartbeat

Beautiful ultrasound today...heart beating away...hooray! Dates are about 1 week off, likely due to my weird cycles...will likely have a Sagittarus baby.

Keepin on, keepin on

Betas came back fine...doubling over 48 hours. Tomorrow is appt with RE and another sono to see what is going on. I feel better today, much better. Yesterday was awful because 1st, it was a Monday, the beta wasn't back yet (apparently no labs are run on the weekends), and I had an awful mess of crap coming out from the recesses of my sinuses. I think I even ran a slight fever. I slept and slept and felt better today. I think I worried myself sick. That is so awful...I felt like I was in a purgatory, not knowing. If I was more ignorant, I would be less grieved.

Why does it have to be this hard?

Last few days have been alternating between worried/stressed and whatever will happen, will happen. I am still feeling pregnant...tired, hungry, crying at any kind of touching or sentimental commericials/ movies. This morning I woke up feeling very heavy in my limbs and tired. Small brown mucous discharge appeared in my underwear, but no blood. I usually get something like this before my period, but I recall I had stuff like this and even bright red bleeding in my last pregnancy. I googled and came up with this reassuring statement: That is usually "old blood" tht is being pushed out of the uterus by the growing fetus. Also I had relations yesterday so maybe it is from that...However in light of the fact that I am not sure what is really going on, I am worried/ scared. The sermon at church helped---it was about fear and how to be reassured that God will be with us through it all. I am waiting for my 2nd beta...done yesterday. I am definitely in the WTF...why me...kind of mood...sucks. I think I am going to call my RE tomorrow and make an appointment... I want to get on with my life...but then I realize this is my life.

Nada Mucho

Well, the ultrasound didn't help much...we found the sac and my HUGE uterus, but no heartbeat. She thinks it is smaller/ less far along than I thought (size is more like 5 weeks than 6) and we'll try again next week. My BFF the OB is recommending doing 2 serial betas to make us all feel better. However, you don't usually see a heartbeat well at 5-6 weeks, so I am not freaking out yet. I am getting a beta drawn today and in 48 hours to see if it is increasing. My RE called and even before I did the U/S., she had said, oh you might not see it...you can come by and let me check later if you want. We did see a lot of blood flow and I still feel very pregnant, so I take that as good signs...

Walking on eggshells clutching my uterus

Really different this time...I call the OB office and they said we'll see you at 10 weeks. I called the RE's office to let them know and there has been no reply. I am just on my own, the emby floating along, demanding more food and giving me the weird symptom hot feet at 3am (insomia at the moment so I can post without a 2 year old demanding to change the website to Curious George). My BFF is an OB so she graciously offered to ultrasound me tomorrow so we can check out the heartbeat. In return I promised to look at her sore throat of 1 week and lecture her on how not to take antibiotics. I feel pretty good most of the time, but still have the trepidation of wondering if it is all going to turn out as I hope.

Holey moley, a positive pregnancy test!

I was at work today and decided to check a pregnancy test. I, of course, didn't have high hopes as there have been so many negative tests in the past. I dripped the urine in and watched as the fluid seeped across the test. Hard to see, this one has some crinkly plastic across the window. Hmmm...why is it making that extra line...EXTRA LINE?!? I gasped and carried the test carefully to the lab and showed my nurse. "DR KOG! YOU'RE PREGNANT!" she exclaimed. I was in shock and told her to keep it under wraps because I am very, very early in this crazy game. I called my dh as soon as I could shoo all the people interrupting me in my office and told him that this WAS NOT AN APRIL FOOL JOKE. (He said he would have really been fooled if I had and would have appreciated in a sick twisted dark humor kind of way). What's funny is that he took the crib apart yesterday for storage in the attic. So, #2, due in November, conceived likely on my 5th wedding anniversary...here we go...stick around and we'll have a ball!