Dancing away

Today was Loulou's dance recital. The one I have been not looking forward to since I signed her up for classes a year ago. I had her take dance to have a fun activity to do and her best friend also signed up too. She has enjoyed classes all year, only missing one due to dental work. I have found kinship in the group of moms that wait patiently in the lobby while the class is going on. I have been a terribly anxious wreck this week. I thought it might be some issues I had as a young dancer/ teen in dance, but perhaps that was only some of it. We sailed thru rehearsals, techincal, dress, and today, Loulou shed a few tears and said she didn't want to do it because of her itchy costume (has complained several times about this in past and we tried to cut all the itchy things out/ trimmed sequins, etc). She asked to go home. I wanted to and didn't want to take her away. She was the leader in the lineup coming out and knew the dance well.

Finally, I had to leave with all the moms and with my heart pounding sat down to wait and watch. The music for her number started and she came out. She was wonderful. I met her back at the dressing room and with itchy costume off, she was my happy Lou lou again. Maybe it was all the people there and all the primping, and maybe it was just the itchy sleeves on the costume. I am sure glad it's over. As far as future dance lessons...hmmm...my mom put it in perspective that if she enjoyed the classes, the recital was only once a year. Once a year to add some more grey hairs to my head!

Heard them all...

Some things aren't meant to be.
It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.

I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill—

A friend of mine got pregnant when she stopped
Working so hard.
Why don't you two adopt?
You'll have one of your own then, like my niece.

At work I heard about this herb from Greece—

My sister swears by doing quai. Want to try it?

Forget the high-tech stuff. Just change your diet.

It's true! Too much caffeine can make you sterile.

Yoga is good for that. My cousin Carol—

They have these ceremonies in Peru—

You mind my asking, is it him or you?

Have you tried acupuncture? Meditation?

It's in your head. Relax! Take a vacation
And have some fun. You think too much. Stop trying.

Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying?

"Useful Advice" by Catherine Tufariello, from Keeping My Name. © Texas Tech University Press, 2004.

Link to buy this book http://www.ttup.ttu.edu/BookPages%5C0896725758.html

Change and no change

One of my co workers announced today that he was leaving in 1 month due to a spouse job transfer. I knew this was coming eventually, but am sad to see him go. He is a positive part of work and definitely mature beyond his young years. I was actually a bit jealous in a weird way that he got the chance to move closer to a bigger, more metropolitan city and closer to family. Sometimes I think I will live here and work in this place forever, which wouldn't be that bad actually. But then again, who knows where life will take me. 10 years ago, I was in a different time in my life, different circumstances! With the kids, it is important to be stable and have family close by, which we do, but wish my side of the family wasn't an 8 hour drive away. Once my kids get older, it will be easier to fly/ travel. I am fortunate that my folks are retired and can come out to see us easily.

Back to work, there have been some changes that could be quite stressful, but overall, it is better than the job I had 10 years ago, even 5 years ago. I just have to have faith that it will work out in the end. It always does, looking back into the past, it always does.

As far as living here forever, it could happen as my spouse and I currently have very stable, nice jobs and are way, way, way more fortunate than a lot of folks. If I had to move right now, like move to a new city, I think I would be just freaking out. The last time we moved houses, I said, "that was so exhausting, I don't ever want to do that again for a long time." We only moved 3 blocks away...ha,ha,ha and I hired the movers to pack my kitchen...ha,ha,ha...I don't know how good I have it huh?!

Lady Style

My youngest, Lady Lala seems to be the inspiration for the fashion style of the pop star, Lady Gaga:

Kitchen Chinese

My current favorite book: Kitchen Chinese by Ann Mah. Love it...chick lit, food, international travel (Beijing), family roots, romance, friendship, etc.

A test for Kindergarten?!

Submitted online application for academic magnet school in our public school system today and will sign up for testing to see if Lou Lou can get into the kindergarten there. Supposed to be the best school (state awards) and dh went to the open house and thought it would be a great place to be. Far cry from when I was going to school and my parents moved to a decent neighborhood with a decent school which I could walk to. The good thing is that is it very close to where I work. And we figure most of the parents there will give a (*2% about their kids since it takes an application to get in. The neighborhood school isn't bad either, but it is just about the same distance to drive as this one. Ethnic profiling is apparently part of the application too. Confusing since my kids are "other" but friends say it will help. Desegregation is really a strange thing...I can see the benefits for some, but mostly it involves busing kids all over the city to get the right "mix" in each school.

Running out of rope

End of the day and mommy is kind of crabby. I was doing very well until Lou lou patted the cat and scared him up from my lap, claws digging into my thighs. Lately I've been pretty moody from being tired and feeling put upon. It is my own fault most of the time. I just wear myself out and then lose it. It doesn't help that dh is more laid back and likes to have fun with his hobbies (hey -that's cool, but I'd like to have some fun too) while I am tending to the kids. He does help out a lot so I really can't complain too much (esp right now as he is begging one small child to go to bed).

Everything is a challenge sometimes and I really need to learn to prioritize and let go of some of the things. For example when I have things that need to be done, I try to do it all in one day or a certain period of time. When actually some of those things could wait 24, 48, or even more hours. It doesn't have to be RIGHT NOW!!!

Another thing I could improve upon is not second guess or guilting myself. Tonight I didn't really feel like cooking dinner. I was tired, didn't have much in the kitchen, and just wasn't too motivated because last 2 night's meals haven't been that delicious to me. BUT (the big BUT), I have been trying to eat and feed my family more home cooked meals because it is healthier (dh has a sensitive stomach ---colonscopy and upper endoscopy last year and he is only 37), and it is cheaper, and I had time to do it. So I cooked. The good thing was that the meal was delicious and my family and I enjoyed it. However, it did take some of my energy away that I could have probably used later. I often ask DH for help, but I wish I didn't have to ask so much sometimes. He offers sometimes, but I feel like I need it offered more. Oh, the conundrums of marriage. I know I need to communicate this to him, but how to do it without being a B-tch or sounding patronizing?

So, I get to the end of my rope and keep hoping it will be better. At the beginning of the year I was more laid back and kept telling myself and others that no situation is permanent. I know that when the kids are older some of the work may get better, but I know mentally it may get harder. Dh and I are older parents (late, late 30s) and our bodies and energy may not get much better either. Oh well...I am getting out of town later in the week so a change of scenery may help (no kids, just dh and I!)

Brushing teeth, revisited

I have achieved teeth brushing in 4 year olds at our house for 3 consecutive nights. Oh, wise mother, I did I do it? Quite by accident...I was in the usual state of cajoling, pleading, griping, begging, and then I glanced at her school papers on the desk which she was so proud to have shown me earlier, with a CHECK PLUS PLUS on them. I said, ok, if you brush your teeth, I'll give you a CHECK PLUS PLUS. I had no idea how I would do that exactly, but after she brushed and rinse, she went over to her box of markers and took one out to draw a CHECK PLUS PLUS on her hand. She was happy, I was happy.

Hmmm...wow...that's all it took.

Bedtime Issues, revisited

Loulou has decided to be very contrary when it comes to bedtime the past 2 weeks. It has become a great source of tension in the house on some nights. We really try to start around 7:30pm (after dinner) beginning with a bath or shower, quiet playtime, teeth brushing, story, a few songs with a goal of lights out by 9pm. It has become a battle and most nights we don't get to the goal until 10:30-11pm. She has been fighting the teeth brushing which is hard because a recent trip to the dentist revealed extensive cavities that will require treatment in a few weeks. We have taken away milk in bed (we didn't start it in the 1st place...was started by well meaning grandparents and we got lazy) or only milk if supervised teeth brush occurs.

I cannot really pinpoint anything that might be weird in her life now. The week was a little weird as she was sick and missed some school. Perhaps it is just the preschool limit pushing thing. Her little sis Lala has no choice...she can't get out of her crib! She is in bed by 7:30-8 everynight without too much fuss.

We're going to try getting her up earlier in the morning. It has been hard for me, however as I have been on several medications that makes me awake at night and groggy by morning (need to adjust timing on those meds, but will soon be off of it once I am better...bad,bad skin eczema). Dh is going to try on weekday mornings to get her up when he does. She has in the past had periods like this but it has been a while so this is hard on us. I know...this too shall pass...

Floating thru January

2 weeks into the new year and I have already fallen off my healthy eating resolution. It would have probably helped to not have small bags of chips in the pantry also. Love the salty, crunchy snacks that leave orange stuff on my hands. I was exercising, but the past week I broke out on my legs and now my arms an itchy, ugly rash. I am prone to allergic skin reactions so I will suffer thru (high and drowsy on antihistamines) until this gets out of my system.

Lala fell asleep in her high chair tonight at 5:45pm (usual bedtime is 7:30-8) and I am wondering (hoping) she'll keep sleeping until morning. She has either a bit of a stomach bug or its teething. Blame it all on teething. I am feeling a bit poorly today too...just a feeling like I am about to get sick.

Yesterday my horoscope said (I never read it, but happened to glance at it while enjoying my comics), that I should consider staying home and changing my career. Wow, I thought, maybe I should really reevaluate my choice to work outside the home. 2 hours later, after cleaning up 2 bouts of vomiting while cooking spaghetti at the same time from/ for small children, I knew my place was not full time at home...ha,ha,ha. We were out for a walk in the stroller and nearing home, Loulou skipped around to the front of the stroller and exclaimed, "Lala spit up!" Not just spit up, but pools of curdled milk everywhere. Oh gosh, what if someone had seen us...mom oblivious to the fact that her baby threw up somewhere on the walk outside. There is a reason I pay my babysitter well.

Dh and I had a fight about what we paid a babysitter (occasional) the other night. I am not sure if it was really about that or about me being defensive about the decisions I make about our household budget. He thought we paid her too much for 3 hours (probably so, but I only had a $50 bill in my wallet). In the past we have given her 10-15 dollars an hour because she is an adult (over 30) and also cleans the house (she's our regular housekeeper once a week). I mean the house is sparkling clean when we get home....no toys, no goo, etc and the children are fed, bathed, and a load of wash is done many times. For a teen I probably would pay less for various reasons. Anyway, we made up and came up with an agreement about how we would handle the amounts. Strangely it felt good to fight...we almost never do, just glower in resentment. I actually told him how he made me feel....to the tune of "you just ruined my pleasant evening." It was kind of sexy to spar with him.

New year 2010!

Well, it's time to make some resolutions again. I think I am always making some but never hurts to sit down a make a list.

1. Have more loving Sunday mornings (see last post to see why)
2. Have 1 carb free day (low carb!?) once a week
3. Have 1 meat free day once a week
4. Pack a lunch for husband 2 days a week (to encourage healthier eating)
5. Be thankful for my warm kitchen and abundant food.
6. Be conscious of my time with my family...be more present
7. Make to keep track of Loulou's dental hygiene (we have at least 2 visible cavities at the moment...dental appt in 1.5 weeks)

I think that's enough for now!

Sunday Stress

Every Sunday morning at our house, it is the same scene. 2 parents are frantically running around trying to get children dressed, fed, getting themselves dressed fed and in the car to get to church for which Sunday school starts at 9am. Usually, by the time I get in the car, I am feeling very un-Christian, esp towards my dh who likes on occasion to sleep late. We have been getting there later and later...that this morning I asked out loud "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? WHAT'S the POINT!?!"

Fortunately, God did not strike me down and I am still here. Dh and I talked later and made up (this happens often too) but we really have to figure out what we are doing because we really do enjoy going to our class (great discussions) and hate missing out on half or more of the class most of the time. Our daughters enjoy their classes and the other kids. We like our friends there.

The solution would be for everyone to get up earlier and set an alarm clock. It's not like we party on Saturdays (I was in bed by 10:30 am last night and dh has been sober on Sat nights). Lou lou wakes up by 7:30 each morning and comes to rouse us. I supposed we could ask our church to start later or change churches (difficult as this is the one my inlaws attend and dh has since he was born). I think it that little part in both dh and I that are being rebellious that we have to be somewhere 5 days a week early in the morning OR it just may be that we are not very good at having a 1 year old and a 4 year old ready and in the car in a certain amount of time. I think that latter may be the most true.

Support Group

For the past month I have been regularly attending Al-anon meetings to help me deal with my spouse's problems with alcohol. It was very scary to walk into the 1st meeting, but now I am more calm about it now. I really actually needed to go about 5 years ago but hey, better late than never. I am not sure what I expected exactly...hugging, crying ,etc., but actually it's more humor, uplift, and deep insights. I know 2 of the meetings I actively felt the presence of God with me. Pretty wild, huh. I still don't know much and don't even know all the words of the serenity prayer, but it helps.

multiple thoughts

(format blatantly stolen from QSM blog)

(A)Much less crazy b*tch behavior since removing plastic device from my uterus (that thing had freaking long strings). Sex drive is back. However, sleeping high on cough medication brings about some weird-a*s dreams. Such as that I am paralyzed and the physical therapist working on me is taking advantage of the situation and groping my breasts. Dh says he might have been sleep-groping.

(B)Recovering from bad head cold/ sinus infection, finally started antibiotics today (hate taking them...usually make me nauseated, but so far ok)

(C)Daydreaming about Lou Lou starting kindergarten (PUBLIC SCHOOL!) next year and all that entails. I can't believe my little one is so old now.... 4 1/2!!!

(D)Drifting lazily through Christmas season thanks to internet shopping and the inlaws thanksmas already being over. Still have work party to do next week and somehow find a babysitter.

(E)It has been so cold here, I can't stand it. At least when I go grocery shopping, I don't have to rush home because my trunk is colder than the frig.

(F) Lala has one year old doctor's appt tomorrow to be innoculated and examined. Oh, well, at least this is the last check up for a while in her babyhood. Poor little thing doesn't know what's coming.

What did I do now?!

Got ice cream out to put counter. Went to bathroom. Pulled my IUD out. Oh...what have I done? Went back out to eat ice cream. Now googling for what other people felt like once it was out. Well, I have been a total B87ch the past few months and just achy and moody on and off. I have had trouble with progestin hormones in the past (depo provera made me weird too) so I made the (crazy) decision to remove it.

I was pretty sure I didn't want any more babies (and still feel pretty much the same) but every once in a while get this twinge to have another. I blame it on the baby boy doll someone left on the counter in the kitchen by the formula mix. I do have some birth control pills that I plan to start while I contemplate all this. I didn't ever get pregnant without using Reproductive Technologies so the question is should I just go au natural or is that just crazy?

The Stuffing

Made a batch of my mother in law's family dressing recipe (handed down to her by a sister in law) today to bring to work lunch tomorrow. Seems like we would have a non-Turkey day type of food before T-day but hey, I love Turkey and all the trimmings so no complaints here. Per Alton Bro@n, in Victorian times, stuffing was considered a vulgar word so the term dressing was used. Huh! I am lucky in that I have not had to cook much for Thanksgiving in many years due to the abundance of talented home/ professional chefs on both sides our families.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

That little baby prevention device

I have been thinking and rethinking my IUD for the past year. Blaming infections, moodiness, malaise, weight gain, lack of world peace, etc. on the little thing. I am pretty sure we are not having any more children, but it is still weird to be thinking I need birth control after using ART for conception. One of my good friends actually had hers perforate thru her uterus (mine is still in the right place) and had to get it surgically removed so I am still pondering whether I need the thing or not. My RE approved it because she says it will help slow down the progress of my PCOS disease. I will ponder on...

Dora Echocardiogram

Lou lou has had a heart murmur present at all of her checkups with the doctor so today we went to see the cardiologist to see if there was anything to really worry about. Lou lou was very patient with the whole ordeal and got her EKG done (lots of stickers, mom!) and watched Dora (at a pretty loud volume I might add) while the doctor did the echocardiogram. Poor guy, I was thinking as I sat watching...he has to listen to various Dora, Hannah Montana, Cars, etc. while doing important medical work and counseling worried parents. Everything turned out fine and we are dealing with an "innocent murmur." We don't have to go back and we can resume normal life.

Whatever that is!? LL asked me if she was sick. I told her, no, sometimes we go to the doctor to get checkups to make sure we are ok. Now, I didn't explain to her that it was unusual for a 4 year old to see a cardiologist, but that can wait for later. Strangely enough, one of her best friends had to wear a cardiac monitor for a few days last month to see if she had a heart rhythm problem. Perhaps it is just that both happen to be preemies and have ever worried parents. I actually have been very laid back about her health until this heart check up because she has done very well so far other than being skinnier than most of her peers.

Apologies to readers about my lack of posts lately. I have been spending my internet time learning about the wonders of Facebook and all the fun games. I do really need to blog some as my head has been muddled lately. Lots of changes (minor, but it all adds up) seem to be coming or else my mind is just foggy from all the things I have to keep up with!

Tree of Life

From the Upper Room Ministries, 9/13/9


Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
-Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)


AS I sat in the obstetrician's office, I felt heartbroken. For the second time, my husband and I had lost a baby through miscarriage. Our hope of starting a family was deferred again. Less than a year later, I was overjoyed when God fulfilled my longing and gave us a son.

While reading 1 Samuel 1, I identified with Hannah's desire to have children. Pouring out her heart to the Lord, she prayed for years that God would bless her with a son. She eventually conceived and gave birth to a son, Samuel. "I prayed for this child," she said, "and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord" (1 Sam. 1:27-28).

Hannah's story reminds me that my child is a gift that I should continually surrender to the Lord. It would have been easy for Hannah to keep Samuel to herself after years of hoping for a child. But she offered him back, in thanksgiving and praise, to serve the Lord.

Indeed, all of our fulfilled hopes are gifts from God and reminders that all we have comes from and belongs to the Lord. Our proper response to God is gratitude and surrender.

Kelley Brown (Alabama, USA)

Bloglect

Sorry I have been neglecting my blog lately...just been lazy and not jotting my thoughts down I think. Or else, my brain is getting confused from all the extra sleep I am getting (only 0-1 night waking from baby in the last 2 weeks!!) I had a free hour the other day and I didn't know what to do with myself...I drove around a bit aimlessly and then somehow I ended up at a dance studio and signed up Lou lou for ballet/tap combo. I think I am even more excited that her to start dance class now. I loved, loved, loved it as a child. The black leotards, the wood floors, my pretty teachers, the music, how lovely I felt when practicing or dancing...like a real girly girl, not a funny looking chinese kid with too short hair and a fat nose. They even get to wear lovely tutu like skirts in class now. Hope she enjoys it!

Honeydew is growing so much...just sweet as ever and ambitious. She keeps bonking her poor honeydew head and cries, and then gets up to try to do it again. She pulls up and just cruises around the house. I fell asleep by accident yesterday in LL's room and somehow she and HD managed to stay out of any terrible danger while Mommy snoozed for 1/2 hour.