Scary day

Yesterday, Lala was eating lunch when suddenly it seemed like she fell asleep with her eyes open. I thought, well, she is tired from a busy morning and it is past her usual nap time. I changed her diaper and put her down in the crib and noted she was very calm, eyes wide and straight ahead. I picked her up when I notice she wasn't responding to me as usual. Her arms and legs started shaking and she looked pale and ashy. I had a cold, chilling feeling go thru me as I picked her up and started patting her and calling her name. I yelled for my other daughter to get the phone. Then she gagged and vomited up some mucous. She cried, looked like herself again and then snuggled into me. Shaking, I held her and my mom brain, barely functioning. My doctor brain turned on and I thought about that it sure did look like a seizure. Her breathing slowed to normal and she fell asleep.

My dh came home a few moments later and noted she was burning up. She took some water and when she was alert I gave her some tylenol. At that point, I was trying to figure out if she had choked or had had a seizure, one associated with fever. Should I take her to the ER or just watch how she does. I held her and was reassured by her calm, normal breathing. She woke up about 30 min. later and was normal acting, if a bit grumpy and needing to be held. Her fever was down and she drank milk hungrily.

I have treated and counseled many patients on the condition of febrile seizure and have seen it, but it is certainly different when it is my own child. I watched her like a hawk since and she had no temperature more than 99 and then all normal today since afternoon. I examined her ears and throat and lungs and all looked ok. I'll seen how she is in the morning and call the pediatrician if anything is awry.

Oh Church Where Art Thou?

A few months ago, we started a journey of visiting churches as we decided to see what was going on in our community. It has certainly been an interesting experience and each place we have been to almost always has surprised us. Mostly it has been fun and encouraging to see how people in our town worship and the variety of ways in which they do it. We have seen large, fancy buildings and small humble ones, and a mix in between. Just in our local neighborhood there is a variety. We have seen a few friends here and there and my husband asked me today, where do our friends go to church? Sadly, that is not a common topic or thing discussed much. Some of our friends were at our old church and the rest of our friends are a fruit bowl of Christian denominations or don't go to church. I am not sure if we are going to pick one soon, we have no set deadline, but it would be good to find one place where we can start getting involved. That is, how can we give/ contribute to a place that is right for us. I think it has boiled down to where our kids are cared for while we worship, that the dogma of the church is acceptable, has some music, friendly folks, and that we can get there in a reasonable time on Sunday morning.

Hmmm...

Was chatting with a mom I know about back to school stuff. She was upset as her child's class had been split up to form 2 new classes due to overcrowding and that her child was the only person of her ethnicity in the newly formed class. She was going to meet with the school officials today to discuss her concerns to have a more mixed/ balanced class and had contacted a local private school about openings.

Tonight I have some various thoughts about it including whether it is a issue of ethnicity, culture, or being a minority. Our city is basically half White, half Hispanic, and a teeny bit of other. I am an other, so through my elementary school career, I was the only one of my race in my classes too. Never thought too much about it except when kids were making fun of my funny eyes or asked if I spoke English.

Now the acquaintance is ethnically White, so it does pose some interesting questions. Certainly I can see the point of a parent being concerned about her kid being picked on, snubbed, or excluded. But the way kids(people) can be, you can be picked on for almost anything...

My dh doesn't get my concerns about this issue (he is white) or might just not have been in the mood to talk about it (screaming 5 year old in bathtub while we were trying to have a conversation). Our offspring are a mixed breed, so they are probably the only ones of their ethnic background in their class too. Maybe it is just kind of weird as our school district is manic about the balance of ethnic groups that kids are bussed around to get the right mix and to satisfy a lawsuit/ desegregation issues from many years past. I don't know.

Mother Love

I have been reading the book Eat Pray Love again after seeing the recent movie and it has made me think about meditation. I used to do yoga classes regularly and enjoyed the movement part of it but didn't get much out of the meditation part of it due to my mind being too busy. But feeling a bit spiritually adrift/ radio silence lately, I decided to try a bit this morning. Just 5-10 minutes and not even enough time for some yoga before, but hey, I'm a mom on a busy morning schedule. So I am sitting in my room and trying to listen for God. This time I tried to be specific on what I wanted to know about. We are in the midst of exploring church congregations and I wanted some guidance about that. The word/ feeling I got was LOVE. Then my mind wandered over to my work schedule and if I should mess with it/ do less? And the answer I heard was USE YOUR GIFTS. Lastly, I asked for guidance about my family (my husband and my 2 kids specifically) and wow, I started to feel emotional, an overwhelming emotion of LOVE and DEVOTION. I wanted to hang on to the feeling, but it was fading as my furry kitty cat brushed across my leg and brought me back. So, maybe this was just a "popcorn" style meditation but I will keep trying to do this...less jabbering from me and more listening.

Rookie Moms

I read a funny article last night about "rookie moms," you know those who stress about the minutae and blog about all the details of their little ones lives. Yeah, that's me I am talking about. But, as the article goes along, it says those rookies will turn into veterans and become jaded and tired and occasionally wanting to run away. I think I am in that transition period now, or at least I was this weekend. Bad enough to have me googling "mom burnout" last night at 9pm, looking for any nonstop flights out of my town on southwest, and finding this article. I certainly became sorry for myself...crabbily report to my dh...no one appreciates me!!! I didn't get to do any fun things this weekend!!! Wah, wah, wah...kind of annoying huh?! Weekends had been some good and some bad. I, of course, do a lot of it to myself. Cooking, cleaning, etc...but it has to be done sometimes.

I did learn an interesting tidbit based on this weekend's misadventures. Loulou got mad at me and told me I could not do things for her any more...like bringing chocolate milk on demand while she is watching tv. That only daddy could. Well...that's actually a good thing maybe. She doesn't seem that mad at me this morning!!! An article linked to the one above noted that previous generations of children were the staff of the family and today's generation of children were the bosses. I am not sure I like either comparison. I think we should be adults and kids and everyone pitch in whenever they can.

So here is a rookie-turning veteran mom, pondering over the minutae and generalities of my life as a mom.

Dancing away

Today was Loulou's dance recital. The one I have been not looking forward to since I signed her up for classes a year ago. I had her take dance to have a fun activity to do and her best friend also signed up too. She has enjoyed classes all year, only missing one due to dental work. I have found kinship in the group of moms that wait patiently in the lobby while the class is going on. I have been a terribly anxious wreck this week. I thought it might be some issues I had as a young dancer/ teen in dance, but perhaps that was only some of it. We sailed thru rehearsals, techincal, dress, and today, Loulou shed a few tears and said she didn't want to do it because of her itchy costume (has complained several times about this in past and we tried to cut all the itchy things out/ trimmed sequins, etc). She asked to go home. I wanted to and didn't want to take her away. She was the leader in the lineup coming out and knew the dance well.

Finally, I had to leave with all the moms and with my heart pounding sat down to wait and watch. The music for her number started and she came out. She was wonderful. I met her back at the dressing room and with itchy costume off, she was my happy Lou lou again. Maybe it was all the people there and all the primping, and maybe it was just the itchy sleeves on the costume. I am sure glad it's over. As far as future dance lessons...hmmm...my mom put it in perspective that if she enjoyed the classes, the recital was only once a year. Once a year to add some more grey hairs to my head!

Heard them all...

Some things aren't meant to be.
It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.

I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill—

A friend of mine got pregnant when she stopped
Working so hard.
Why don't you two adopt?
You'll have one of your own then, like my niece.

At work I heard about this herb from Greece—

My sister swears by doing quai. Want to try it?

Forget the high-tech stuff. Just change your diet.

It's true! Too much caffeine can make you sterile.

Yoga is good for that. My cousin Carol—

They have these ceremonies in Peru—

You mind my asking, is it him or you?

Have you tried acupuncture? Meditation?

It's in your head. Relax! Take a vacation
And have some fun. You think too much. Stop trying.

Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying?

"Useful Advice" by Catherine Tufariello, from Keeping My Name. © Texas Tech University Press, 2004.

Link to buy this book http://www.ttup.ttu.edu/BookPages%5C0896725758.html

Change and no change

One of my co workers announced today that he was leaving in 1 month due to a spouse job transfer. I knew this was coming eventually, but am sad to see him go. He is a positive part of work and definitely mature beyond his young years. I was actually a bit jealous in a weird way that he got the chance to move closer to a bigger, more metropolitan city and closer to family. Sometimes I think I will live here and work in this place forever, which wouldn't be that bad actually. But then again, who knows where life will take me. 10 years ago, I was in a different time in my life, different circumstances! With the kids, it is important to be stable and have family close by, which we do, but wish my side of the family wasn't an 8 hour drive away. Once my kids get older, it will be easier to fly/ travel. I am fortunate that my folks are retired and can come out to see us easily.

Back to work, there have been some changes that could be quite stressful, but overall, it is better than the job I had 10 years ago, even 5 years ago. I just have to have faith that it will work out in the end. It always does, looking back into the past, it always does.

As far as living here forever, it could happen as my spouse and I currently have very stable, nice jobs and are way, way, way more fortunate than a lot of folks. If I had to move right now, like move to a new city, I think I would be just freaking out. The last time we moved houses, I said, "that was so exhausting, I don't ever want to do that again for a long time." We only moved 3 blocks away...ha,ha,ha and I hired the movers to pack my kitchen...ha,ha,ha...I don't know how good I have it huh?!

Lady Style

My youngest, Lady Lala seems to be the inspiration for the fashion style of the pop star, Lady Gaga:

Kitchen Chinese

My current favorite book: Kitchen Chinese by Ann Mah. Love it...chick lit, food, international travel (Beijing), family roots, romance, friendship, etc.

A test for Kindergarten?!

Submitted online application for academic magnet school in our public school system today and will sign up for testing to see if Lou Lou can get into the kindergarten there. Supposed to be the best school (state awards) and dh went to the open house and thought it would be a great place to be. Far cry from when I was going to school and my parents moved to a decent neighborhood with a decent school which I could walk to. The good thing is that is it very close to where I work. And we figure most of the parents there will give a (*2% about their kids since it takes an application to get in. The neighborhood school isn't bad either, but it is just about the same distance to drive as this one. Ethnic profiling is apparently part of the application too. Confusing since my kids are "other" but friends say it will help. Desegregation is really a strange thing...I can see the benefits for some, but mostly it involves busing kids all over the city to get the right "mix" in each school.

Running out of rope

End of the day and mommy is kind of crabby. I was doing very well until Lou lou patted the cat and scared him up from my lap, claws digging into my thighs. Lately I've been pretty moody from being tired and feeling put upon. It is my own fault most of the time. I just wear myself out and then lose it. It doesn't help that dh is more laid back and likes to have fun with his hobbies (hey -that's cool, but I'd like to have some fun too) while I am tending to the kids. He does help out a lot so I really can't complain too much (esp right now as he is begging one small child to go to bed).

Everything is a challenge sometimes and I really need to learn to prioritize and let go of some of the things. For example when I have things that need to be done, I try to do it all in one day or a certain period of time. When actually some of those things could wait 24, 48, or even more hours. It doesn't have to be RIGHT NOW!!!

Another thing I could improve upon is not second guess or guilting myself. Tonight I didn't really feel like cooking dinner. I was tired, didn't have much in the kitchen, and just wasn't too motivated because last 2 night's meals haven't been that delicious to me. BUT (the big BUT), I have been trying to eat and feed my family more home cooked meals because it is healthier (dh has a sensitive stomach ---colonscopy and upper endoscopy last year and he is only 37), and it is cheaper, and I had time to do it. So I cooked. The good thing was that the meal was delicious and my family and I enjoyed it. However, it did take some of my energy away that I could have probably used later. I often ask DH for help, but I wish I didn't have to ask so much sometimes. He offers sometimes, but I feel like I need it offered more. Oh, the conundrums of marriage. I know I need to communicate this to him, but how to do it without being a B-tch or sounding patronizing?

So, I get to the end of my rope and keep hoping it will be better. At the beginning of the year I was more laid back and kept telling myself and others that no situation is permanent. I know that when the kids are older some of the work may get better, but I know mentally it may get harder. Dh and I are older parents (late, late 30s) and our bodies and energy may not get much better either. Oh well...I am getting out of town later in the week so a change of scenery may help (no kids, just dh and I!)

Brushing teeth, revisited

I have achieved teeth brushing in 4 year olds at our house for 3 consecutive nights. Oh, wise mother, I did I do it? Quite by accident...I was in the usual state of cajoling, pleading, griping, begging, and then I glanced at her school papers on the desk which she was so proud to have shown me earlier, with a CHECK PLUS PLUS on them. I said, ok, if you brush your teeth, I'll give you a CHECK PLUS PLUS. I had no idea how I would do that exactly, but after she brushed and rinse, she went over to her box of markers and took one out to draw a CHECK PLUS PLUS on her hand. She was happy, I was happy.

Hmmm...wow...that's all it took.

Bedtime Issues, revisited

Loulou has decided to be very contrary when it comes to bedtime the past 2 weeks. It has become a great source of tension in the house on some nights. We really try to start around 7:30pm (after dinner) beginning with a bath or shower, quiet playtime, teeth brushing, story, a few songs with a goal of lights out by 9pm. It has become a battle and most nights we don't get to the goal until 10:30-11pm. She has been fighting the teeth brushing which is hard because a recent trip to the dentist revealed extensive cavities that will require treatment in a few weeks. We have taken away milk in bed (we didn't start it in the 1st place...was started by well meaning grandparents and we got lazy) or only milk if supervised teeth brush occurs.

I cannot really pinpoint anything that might be weird in her life now. The week was a little weird as she was sick and missed some school. Perhaps it is just the preschool limit pushing thing. Her little sis Lala has no choice...she can't get out of her crib! She is in bed by 7:30-8 everynight without too much fuss.

We're going to try getting her up earlier in the morning. It has been hard for me, however as I have been on several medications that makes me awake at night and groggy by morning (need to adjust timing on those meds, but will soon be off of it once I am better...bad,bad skin eczema). Dh is going to try on weekday mornings to get her up when he does. She has in the past had periods like this but it has been a while so this is hard on us. I know...this too shall pass...

Floating thru January

2 weeks into the new year and I have already fallen off my healthy eating resolution. It would have probably helped to not have small bags of chips in the pantry also. Love the salty, crunchy snacks that leave orange stuff on my hands. I was exercising, but the past week I broke out on my legs and now my arms an itchy, ugly rash. I am prone to allergic skin reactions so I will suffer thru (high and drowsy on antihistamines) until this gets out of my system.

Lala fell asleep in her high chair tonight at 5:45pm (usual bedtime is 7:30-8) and I am wondering (hoping) she'll keep sleeping until morning. She has either a bit of a stomach bug or its teething. Blame it all on teething. I am feeling a bit poorly today too...just a feeling like I am about to get sick.

Yesterday my horoscope said (I never read it, but happened to glance at it while enjoying my comics), that I should consider staying home and changing my career. Wow, I thought, maybe I should really reevaluate my choice to work outside the home. 2 hours later, after cleaning up 2 bouts of vomiting while cooking spaghetti at the same time from/ for small children, I knew my place was not full time at home...ha,ha,ha. We were out for a walk in the stroller and nearing home, Loulou skipped around to the front of the stroller and exclaimed, "Lala spit up!" Not just spit up, but pools of curdled milk everywhere. Oh gosh, what if someone had seen us...mom oblivious to the fact that her baby threw up somewhere on the walk outside. There is a reason I pay my babysitter well.

Dh and I had a fight about what we paid a babysitter (occasional) the other night. I am not sure if it was really about that or about me being defensive about the decisions I make about our household budget. He thought we paid her too much for 3 hours (probably so, but I only had a $50 bill in my wallet). In the past we have given her 10-15 dollars an hour because she is an adult (over 30) and also cleans the house (she's our regular housekeeper once a week). I mean the house is sparkling clean when we get home....no toys, no goo, etc and the children are fed, bathed, and a load of wash is done many times. For a teen I probably would pay less for various reasons. Anyway, we made up and came up with an agreement about how we would handle the amounts. Strangely it felt good to fight...we almost never do, just glower in resentment. I actually told him how he made me feel....to the tune of "you just ruined my pleasant evening." It was kind of sexy to spar with him.

New year 2010!

Well, it's time to make some resolutions again. I think I am always making some but never hurts to sit down a make a list.

1. Have more loving Sunday mornings (see last post to see why)
2. Have 1 carb free day (low carb!?) once a week
3. Have 1 meat free day once a week
4. Pack a lunch for husband 2 days a week (to encourage healthier eating)
5. Be thankful for my warm kitchen and abundant food.
6. Be conscious of my time with my family...be more present
7. Make to keep track of Loulou's dental hygiene (we have at least 2 visible cavities at the moment...dental appt in 1.5 weeks)

I think that's enough for now!