Tired and bored with myself

I have been very whiny lately. Every day this past week seems to have been a chore and require a great deal of effort. The only times I am somewhat content are when wee one is snuggled up in my lap or asleep with me in the bed or telling me a story. Work was better yesterday due to the fact I had to set a broken bone. I didn't get much sleep last night due to the problems that come up sometimes with sharing a bed with a dh, a fat cat, and after 2am, wee one. I was sore all over and did luckily have a massage schedule today after work, so I had some therapeutic time. The next month will have some fun times and travel (change of scenery might help me feel content with my current life). A midlife crisis already at age 37? Or is it I am tired of being me? Everything is so distorted when I am tired like I am tonight. I think I will feel better in the morning after some zzzzzzs.

Confidence Killers

Parenting, while filled with some of the best feeling you feel in your life, is very difficult sometimes. It has been more difficult lately with these confidence killers for me.

1. Advice (ASSvise as I note many places on the internet spell it as!) from family members. "Oh, your child is clingy to you because you work and she doesn't get to be with you much"

2. Obstinate 2 year olds/ terrible twos. I have been at moments down on my knees praying for mercy/ sleep/ cessation of whining

3. Illness - the majority of family members sick OR body fluid spewing type of illness affecting wee one.

4. Babysitter flakiness/ illness - today I think a diaper I put on in the morning was still on when I came home from work

5. Developmental comparisons - you can make me shudder by saying 2 words to me, "TOILET TRAINING"

Lifestyles of the Slender

Weight is this major issue for many people in this country, especially for women who have had children. In my practice and in my life I have been asked for advice on how to lose weight. I am not sure I have much advice on how to actually lose the weight, but I have made many observations concerning those who stay normal weight and are healthy (slender is the word I used above in the title for this).

1. Eat only what you like, don't eat things you don't like. Now, if you like a lot of things this may be a problem, but I often find myself putting things in my mouth that don't really taste that good. It is more of an awareness of not to eat mindlessly.

2. Look at your family. If everyone is larger, you may have learned habits as well as genetic issues that affect your weight.

3. Unhealthy/ stressful relationships/ significant others. In one of my relationships, I ate what he ate and gained 10 lbs and gained more when we didn't get along well. In my healthier relationships, my weight remained stable.

4. Hormones. As many of us who have been through the ART gauntlet, our bodies are pushed this way and that by not only any diseases we have but also the hormones, medications, etc. Once my body settled down after a few years of stims and trigger shots, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and lifting baby arounds, I bloated and deflated and expanded and contracted to my current weight, which I am happy with.

5. Hunger. I like a bit of candy and dessert and have some everyday. A mini hershey's bar or an ice cream scoop will satisfy my tastes. One of my friends however, can't stop at just eating one piece or slice, he must eat the whole package/ pie/ etc. Is the hunger he has really for food or for something else?

6. Acceptance. Love who you are, all of you. You are not just your body. I once remarked after meeting a daughter of a acquaintance that her daughter reminded me of her. Her immediate reply was that "Oh, I wasn't fat like her then, I was skinny." I told her that's not what I meant! I was saying that her personality, mannerisms, and happy spirit reminded me of her. We all have our prejudices, but when we get to know people, you don't see their skin color or the extra 30 lbs, or the age difference. You see them, the real person. I saw the movie "Penelope" today and I loved the story of finding acceptance. It is a great movie for young girls and women especially.

Family advice

I have been quite miserable the past few days making myself miserable. My mom offered a lot of advice that I have turned into unconstructive criticism. Obviously I have some baggage with her and about my parenting. I have felt at moments like an utter failure, letting dh take over and myself crawling into bed. (I think I had some kind of stomach bug too or maybe it was those femara pills). I am more relaxed today and got some perspective on it from reading Ask Moxie (thank you God for the internet mother/sisterhood). As mine and my mother's lives are very different, because I do things differently, she may take it as criticism of her own parenting of me. That is so wild because I see her as a great, wonderful mom to me when I was a kid and I cannot even begin to do what she did without lots of help. She had no help from family or babysitters very much, and was with us at home most of the time except when she was earning her graduate degree in case something happened to my dad. I work outside the home, have Ils in town, a nanny, and am the primary earner in my household. We are different and I can only live my life.

Perhaps some of my reaction is my own insecurity about what I am doing. There are so many choices, ways to do things...I am still agonizing over combinations of preschool, nanny, etc.

What happened?

G-ma is visiting us this week and wee one has been alternating between sweet angel child and bratty, crying, tantrumy kid. Make us look like such great parents, huh!?! This week has been really, really hard...not hard like a sick kid hard, but hard like we have no idea what to do, end of our rope, tension headaches kind of hard. She cries dramatically (she can turn it off also), and refuses to listen to what we ask of her. Naps skipped, etc. Now interstingly, at school she has been really good. Our nanny is out with a bad back but is due to return Friday. Two days this week I flipped my schedule a bit to spend more time at home with her so G-ma wouldn't have that much to do. Perhaps all this is too much change for her.
Pray for us!