One of those days

Today I am having one of those days. Those kind of days that find one digging into a big bag of wavy lays and french onion dip while typing on her blog. Work was overwhelming, I was biting my tongue not to chew anyone out, wee one was screaming her head off, overtired, and needing but not wanting a nap (just stopped screaming about 2 minutes ago), and I just got back from a trip to stock on all those important things we need (chips, dip, milk and apple juice) at Wally world. I should be really relaxed and tension free. I have the next 4 days off and we canceled our 8 hour road trip to see family that we were going to take. So why is my heart racing, muscles tense, and my head all muddled? I haven't had any caffiene today and my thyroid medication has not changed in 10 years.

My email devotional this morning advised me to pray about people with holiday depression. Maybe I am one of those people. Or maybe I am about to start me period. I took one of those wishful thinking pregnancy tests yesterday because I felt really tired and had to pee a lot. Negative, just a bladder infection instead.

I think I really have had enough "holiday" time. I am ready to go back to my regular routine. I don't like change and I have been getting this feeling that change is coming. I don't know when, but something is going to happen and I have the feeling I am going to have to make decisions. I had a dream last night that I was checking into a hotel and they were telling me my room number was 2 different numbers. Confusion, chaos. And I have am ugly rash on the side of my right hand.

I have no idea why I am feeling this way. Everything in my life is actually pretty good at this moment. I have a good job, good husband, good kid, and good health.
Maybe the next few days will bring me some clarity.

My Xmas Cupcakes

Wee One put the liners in the pan, cracked the eggs, scooped some batter in the pan, and after baking and frosting (Mommy) stuck the Santas on. YUM!

Mommy has a tantrum

3:30pm - Mommy gets home after a day of work and fighting crowds at the supermarket. Wee One runs and smiles, hugging her mom hard.

3:45pm - Nanny leaves, explaining something in more complicated Spanish that perhaps wee one missed her nap.

4pm - Tantrum ensues over mommy not understanding that "Splain" means "GET ME A SPOON"

5pm - Screams at computer because when she hits the keys the slide show of her pictures stop. Jumps on box of crayons and breaks most of them in half.

6pm - Mommy gets dinner on the table. Daddy is eating hungrily. WO takes 2 bites (yay!) of delicious twice baked potatoes then wants to spend the rest of the time getting water from the dispensed on the front of the refrigerator.

7pm - Tantrum ensues over unknown anger at father. Continues as mommy picks out the non-ducky pajamas to change into after bath

7:35pm - taking a bath with mommy. splashing happily.

7:55pm - Tantrum ensues over draining water from tub and bathtime ending.

8pm-820 - Watching curious george quietly with mommy by her side.

830 - story time - says no to every book we bring out. Walks over to bookshelf and picks out large books with a thousand flaps on each page. Whines and cries as mommy attempts to read books/ choose different ones. Mommy picks child up and puts her in bed. Mommy has to leave room, take 2 tylenol, and hide in TV room to watch Project Runway to keep from screaming at her beloved child. Father takes over and child behaves.

Blocks

I think I have been having writers block lately. I am enjoying reading other people's blogs but I don't have much to say back. I think I've had so much going on that I needed more time to process everything.
My mother has been ill for the past month and is just now getting over it. I did go fly to go see her and I felt better and worse afterwards. It has been hard for me to feel like I am giving her help. She kept telling me not to come and to stay home and take care of my own child. But after my visit, she did admit that she was glad I came to see her.

I had an onslaught of inlaws after that for Thanksgiving and we did so much...eat, gifts, travel! I am shifting into lower gears now, trying to enjoy the season for what it is. Although we did start a new singing program at church for the kids too. I like to think, however, that singing and motions are therapeutic!

I have been asked often lately about another child. Not a new question, but my awareness of it is heightened. I honestly at this moment in time do not know. There has been some crazy stuff this past year that has aged and made me tired. I admit that I would love to have another child, but not right now. Maybe even not in the future (that was really scary to write). I am not willing to go through IVF again at this time. I am not sure I ever want to deal with diapers again after we make it through potty training wee one.
Perhaps I am just tired. I have even entertained the idea of adoption later in my life of older kids. That seems more appealing somehow that attempting to have another one myself. I am going to pray about this some more. Maybe I am just admitting defeat. That there is never going to be a "natural" conception for me.

Part of me thinks that I have it so good right now, it would be crazy to ask for more/ disturb the balance. I have so many things in my life right now that are great blessings, much more that I ever expected.