I am a control freak

I realized how difficult I can be today. Today is my 2nd official day of not working. I did go into the office and do some paperwork. My substitute was there and I noted some things he did that he took care of that I would have done differently. Not that anything was seriously wrong but not up to my standards. Probably also didn't help as my assistant has been out sick x2 days. Anyhow, I have to be out and I have to live with that.

On a happier note, saw my high risk ob doc today and everyone there was in a good mood. The baby was all squashed up on my right side (ouch) but everything measured fine. He didn't frown at my sugars and told me we'd see each other in 4 weeks and then after that, every week for the biophysical profile.

Stuck in the moment

Approaching week 30 and my hormones are revving up. I was at lunch today staring at a piping hot pepperoni pizza in front of me while wee one and dh were feeding tokens into the video machines at our local chain kids restaurant. I had already had my healthy salad and diet lemonade. I figured I'd eat 1-2 pieces. Dh sat down to join me after having settled wee one in the churning school bus ride and in a few moments the pizza pan was left with one piece (and another on wee one's plate). 2 hours later I checked my blood sugar and it was above normal and I whined to dh that I shouldn't have had 3 pieces of pizza. He said, No, you had 4, you ate the last piece before they cleared the pan away. OH MAN...I don't normally even eat that much. I must really be hungry. At my last OB visit I actually lost 2 pounds.

It's a goofy situation. I have gestational diabetes and am following a regimented carb counting kind of diet. I could counteract the times I slip up with exercise, but I have been limited in exercise due to a soft cervical exam and instructions for more rest and time spent "horizontal." Well, I'll just have to keep trying. Sigh.

Home today

5:45 am - "Milk daddy" dh gets up and gets her some milk in a sippy cup.
5:50 am - "Mommy...mommy...my tummy hurts." "OK - why don't you go take a poo" "OK, mommy" "Snore...." "Mommy, I done." (sound of farting). I feel a little warm body climb over me and lay next to me. "Mommy, my tummy - rub lotion" I get up and put underwear back on her and rub some lotion on. She cries a bit and then falls asleep.
6:15 am - "Mommy, I need my baby doll" "OK" I wander around the house and then find it under her bed. She cries and then falls asleep
7:00am - alarm goes off, everyone wakes up. "I happy Mommy" Get her ready for school.
7:40 am - load wee one into car with dh "Mommy my tummy hurts" "OK, do you want to go to school?" "yes mommy"
8:15 am - car pulls in and dh and wee one returns "Honey, she vomited in the car" Clean child, check for fever (none). Try to figure out how to take cover off car seat
8:45 am - give up on car seat and take out to patio to hose down.
9:00 am - child happily watching Peep and eating a popsicle.

Gestational Diabetes Beverages

Happy mood at the moment, just ate my treat...ice cream! I was googling about what kinds of beverages a diabetic can enjoy. I must be thirsty. So here's what I want to drink:

What I want to drink: Coke (yes the real thing) over a big glass of ice, grapefruit juice over a big glass of ice, Orange box - juicy juice (I think its called orange tangerine), orange juice in the morning - straight up, grape juice, V8 juice (gives me heart burn right now...doesn't really affect my sugar I think), IBC root beer from a icy bottle, sweet ice tea over a big glass of ice, lemonade

What I can drink: water, club soda, club soda with lemon/ lime/ splash of juice, crystal light (I make it with club soda to make it like a soda), milk, chai tea (with a splash of half and half and 1 tsp of sugar), warm water, ice water, ice tea - unsweet

Sigh...well at least I have some choices...

Horizontal

Went to the doctor's again this week and after a quick check down below, it was suggested I try to spend more time in a horizontal position. Sigh. I am having flashbacks to last time. He didn't actually say bedrest totally, but I know where this is headed. I am going to try and work about 3 more weeks and then give up my money making job. I suspect the non-money making job is actually the more stressful one. My dh and I went off to the mountains for the weekend and wee one was with her grandparents. My blood sugar was totally normal in spite of me enjoying the cuisine of the small mountain town (I did not COOK at ALL!). I fell pretty good, a bit tired sometimes, but overall not too bad. So any good book recommendations for my horizontal time?

Spoiled

I never realized how spoiled I was until today. I usually toodle off to work somewhere around 8:30-8:45 and it takes me about 10 minutes to get from door to door. The babysitter comes and I only have to concern myself with getting my own body fed, dressed, and to work.

Today, I woke up 1/2 hour early (after an anxious night of sleep) and got Wee one dressed, combed, watered, and out the door with a granola bar into the car. We drove 20 minutes to school in heavier than usual traffic and I dropped her off. I (wisely) chose to take a day off from work today and met a fellow mom friend for breakfast. I was a bit emotional watching Wee One being led into school by a bigger girl and a teacher. I mean she has been going to mothers day out and I was coming to get her in 3.5 hours, but still the same, I got teary as she smiled and waved at me. Starting tomorrow, my dh and babysitter will be mostly doing the driving duties so it probably won't be as hard.

Preschool open house

Yesterday was preschool open house where we got to visit and meet the teacher. We walked into the small classroom and it was packed with parents and tiny children. The girls and boys were self segregating! Everyone seemed anxious...including us! We did seem some friends and familar faces in the crowd so that helped me relax a bit. I still had dreams last night about her new school and me forgetting to take her out of the car seat to let her go to school. Of course, wee one made herself right at home...playing, eating the snacks the teacher had given her and checking out the potty facilities.

My little rebellion

OK today is one of those check my blood sugar days. Everything was pretty good until the after lunch one. I hardly ate anything!!! A lean cuisine, a 1/2 cup of hot and sour soup and a handful of trail mix. Then I got a post prandial sugar (2h) of 140!!! In rebellion and hunger, I ate a banana with a dollop of hot fudge and a scoop of Blue Bell homemade vanilla ice cream for my afternoon snack. Then I got a sugar that was perfectly fine. So, I am going to blame the lean cuisine...

I haven't really been hungry this pregnancy except at the very, very beginning. I remember being at a hotel and just mooning over the breakfast buffet and eating every dollar's worth of food. Then the 1st trimester barfing ensued so I lost all my appetite. That calmed down but I wasn't really that hungry. The last week I've had a few days where I am hungry but have been a bit limited by my room available in my belly. I have gained about 5 pounds so far so I have more to go. It is just freaking hard to eat enough calories without going over my carb limits. There is only so much cheese I can eat without being really, really grumpy / constipated.

Bopping along

Parents are here again to visit/ help take care of us. It is great. I have been able to sneak an afternoon nap or two the last few days. Wee one has been enjoying their company but has just been resistant (for the past few weeks actually) to napping. If she skips her nap, she passed out at 7pm. That is nice because it gives us some free time in the evening, but it means there is no break during the day and she is crabby and tired in the late afternoon.

Here's my tip for constipated pregnant ladies (or anyone else who is stuck): raw pineapple twice a day. Much more gentle (and yummier) than prune juice.

Escape

I find myself reading a lot lately. All my beloved books and then some. I have always been a bookworm and as a child of librarians, something that was just a way of life. However, sometimes in my life I notice I use it to escape as well as unwind. Why escape now?

1. Being pregnant and scared that anything could happen
2. Getting warned by both Ob doc and high risk OB doc to work less, eat differently (Gestational diabetes in last pregnancy), and watch my thyroid (getting blood drawn frequently)
3. Crazy hormones causing weird dreams, thoughts, and odd moments of awkwardness and feelings of teenage rebellion
4. No massages (I usually try for every 2 weeks) due to them making me feel more nauseated
5. Lack of regular exercise (not allowed to do anything strenuous) and also I am just winded from climbing a flight of stairs
6. Avoiding most activity that could cause preterm labor, like last time (yes, that includes sex, but it is getting more difficult anyway...hard, I love and am horny for my dh)

So of course, I am escaping into books since I can't escape into world travel, massage, sex, drugs, alcohol, (ha,ha,ha...I don't drink anyway or have every even taken anything remotely illegal), shopping for hours at the mall (too tiring, nothing fits...did get a new purse the other day), and other fun stuff.

Well, here I am

I was commenting to my dh yesterday that I was so happy to be feeling so much better than the previous 2 months. I had a pretty busy day at work yesterday and went to Bunco last night too. I was trying to ignore those tight sensations in my belly that started late in the afternoon. The baby was moving around too. I was trying to to think about them, trying not to think about how similar they were to contraction type discomforts. I felt fine, had eaten a ton of food at the party and was not very tired. No spotting, discharge, and not really any pain, just tightness.

Finally, I told my dh and his worried glance told me to call the doctor. He told me to hydrate and "get my hips up." I went to bed and slept pretty well, no more tightening. I saw him this morning and everything is fine. He wants me to cut work in 1/2 (I was waiting/ wanting to hear that) and then come back in 2 weeks. My sono is tomorrow too, so there will be more examination. Whew. A scare, but sure sign that my body is screaming at me to slow down.

We're 3!!!

The last 2 weeks have been pretty fun. Wee one turned 3 and we had relatives visiting so I am now catching up. Her B-day was actually a whole week of gift giving and loving from grandparents and cousins. Such fun and excitement. As for me, the belly is stretching and I felt a definite KICK 2 nights ago. Sono is scheduled in 2 weeks...there was a mix up about the appointment and I had to figure that one out. Anyway, life is pretty good.

Still here

Well, I am still pregnant and still struggling somewhat. I just got over a stomach virus (yuk) that I was blaming on the baby, but the arrival of diarrhea changed that thought. But yesterday (better) and today (much better) I am seeing some hope. I went to get a pedicure today and got petted and fretted over by the ladies there (my friend owns the day spa/ salon). It was nice to primp a bit. Makes me feel almost normal again. Mom is coming and I hope just her presence will help perk me up (Dad too). I am very lucky that I still have healthy parents that will come and visit me anytime.

Sad

I opened the paper 2 days ago and saw a picture of a girl I went to college with in the obituaries. My heart skipped a beat and I exclaimed, "Oh my God!" I had not seen her since college and found out she had been killed by a drunk driver. The funeral was yesterday and I really wanted to go, but I felt like I am too emotional right now and didn't want to draw attention to myself. I did go by the church later to run and errand and saw some of the flowers that had fallen to the sidewalk. It made me cry. I see her parents around town every once in a while and I cannot imagine what they are going through. You never expect your child to go before you. I would give my life up for my child to live on.

Finding new things about myself

You'd think I would know myself pretty well by now, at 37 years. But each day I am discovering new stuff I didn't know.
1. I am incredibly incontinent in these past few days...everything makes me pee. And I HATE the smell of urine.
2. I tried to eat "healthy" stuff yesterday, fruit, some soda crackers and I barfed like a freshman at a frat party. Then my dh picked the spicy chicken wing place for his father's day dinner and I ate 6 spicy wings, queso, gobs of blue cheese dressing, and greasy fries and was happy as a clam.
3. I try to do too many things by myself and need to ask for more help. I think part of me is still trying to be a "grown-up" and seeing how much I can handle.
4. I am nuts for taking a 2 year old to a tire store to wait 2 hours to get my flat tire fixed. However, wee one did fine and we are all ok.
5. I am more considerate of others than myself. I have been debating how much maternity leave (6 weeks? 8 weeks? do I dare wish for more?) to take and I was just advising a co-worker..."You should definately take 3 months at least."

Good report

Went to OB's office and saw Banana swimming along in there. I saw little fingers wave at me!!!! Everything is going well...my diabetes is not acting up, blood pressure is good, thyroid is stable. So weird for me to hear that everything is fine. He did suggest some Prevacid for my GI problems so here' s hoping. I ate lunch with a friend who is 6 weeks ahead of me and she said she stated feeling normal again at 15 weeks. I asked if I would be going to the high risk guy for the 19 week ultrasound and my doc said, "Oh, we can do it here or we can do it there." This is so different from the last pregnancy it is really blowing my mind.

Bunco has been a nice activity for me. Some girls at my church started it about the time I had Wee One. I didn't know anyone very well, but I wanted to get to know some people with kids/ babies. Most of the evening is spent eating as we each bring finger foods to share. Alcohol is not a part of the church doctrine so we get jiggy with green ice tea or sodas. The Youth Minister's wife went crazy with the blender one time and we did have some kind of slushy drink with umbrellas. The game it self is pretty mindless and involves simple counting. That allows for us to talk and tell crazy stories while we play. (Like the time one of the mom's had to call Poison Control because her 1 year old ate some of the K-Y jelly in her nightstand...and it was the warming kind). At the end of the evening we get prizes according to our scores. Pretty laid back and most of the group have young kids with a few already teenagers. We stick with a time frame of 1.5 hours once a month because our dh's/ kids await our services for bedtime/ etc.

Barftholmew

I am tossing around that name for my next child as well as tossing my cookies. It is NOT GETTING BETTER. I am going to go to see my OB tomorrow to complain. Dh is trying to cheer me up by saying that me being sick might mean less or no days in NICU. That would be fine with me but I am growing weary of the porcelain embrace. I almost am nuts enough to worrying about a conditioned response...that everytime I go near my lovely master bath suite I have to get prepared. I always have to pee 1st because if I don't I have both urinary incontinence and upchucking. I know, I know, TMI, TMI!!! It is just too humiliating and gross that I have to share. I have been so out of everything that I didn't know postage just went up and I sent out a bunch of invitations for Bunco night...how embarassing. When will there be mercy shown upon me?

The long weekend/ Random thoughts

Just changed a poopy diaper while trying not to barf and convince a small cute person to take a nap so she won't be crabby when G-ma comes to babysit tonight. WHEE! I am off to see Indiana Jones tonight and I am so happy to be thinking about how Harrison Ford looks with his whip and not about my sorry state of being.
Most of the town seems to be around...I think gas prices make people think twice about traveling. We really need to invent those teleportation devices. But then we would not have those wonderful car trip memories. (Mom yelling at my sister and I to quit singing so loudly. Stops at Stuckey's to drink icy cokes. Rest area bathrooms. Mc Donald's apple pies.) That's why we have children...to relive some of those times and so they can have some of those experiences.
One of my hobbies is to read People/ MSN celeb gossip. Last time I was pregnant Britney was too. This time I get to share the spotlight with Angelina. I do think she is cool...but somehow I feel like she is one of those people who are like, "HA! Pregnant! Yeah and with TWINS! I am SO MUCH COOLER than YOU!" (Not that I want twins, but it's the idea of it). I guess I had better rent my French chateau and get my helicopter on standby for my labor. That just sounds like a scary idea to me. I really like being able to drive 4 miles down the road to the hospital and get it all done there with the NICU team on alert.

Low energy

Having some ups and downs lately...emotionally more down. I see signs of depression and this of course makes me worry more. But why? Why not, as I think about it. No major problems, but little annoying things that are adding up. While I am elated that I will be having #2, my life has been really different lately.

1. Physical discomforts - as described in recent posts.
2. Emotional instability due to hormonal fluctuations
3. Tall 2 1/2 year old who has taken to sleeping with me every night.
4. Sleeping earlier/ more than usual
5. Fears and worries about what can/ can't happen
6. A feeling of being stuck for the next year or 2 and having no life.
7. Restriction on travel (partly self imposed, partly due to lack of energy).
8. Lack of marital conooduling due to 2 1/2 year old in bed (quickies just aren't the same as nightly talking and cuddling).
9. Possible work issues that may be beyond my control.
10. My thyroid may be out of whack.

Each part of my life is fulfilling and great, but together it is all wearing me out. There is a bit of hope as my ILs have agreed to give us babysitting and hotel points to a brief weekend getaway. I know a change of scenery will help. This actually all may have started even before #2 due to a very hectic winter at work and my own melancholy sometimes for a more jet set life.
I find myself being envious of other's lives that don't involve care of small children. What a thing to be thinking huh for someone who has had infertility struggles you say. I want to snap out of it but I need to deal with these feelings. One way is to blog about it, talk to my dh and friends about it, and get some help.

Getting old

This progesterone poisoning is getting kind of old. I was pretty good yesterday and then ate lunch (evil, but oh so delicious cheese covered fries!) and was tired from that point on. At 9pm I drank some water and then proceeded to lose my dinner. I have never barf/ burped before...totally disgusting. My wee one was really pissed at me for not paying her any attention and she came in while I was hugging porcelain and said, "Oh, yucky cough." Poor thing. I think I am too old for this.

I cheered up a bit today when I saw a friend that I haven't seen for a while and she confirmed the rumor that she was pregnant. 6 months pregnant and she didn't know she was! Her kids will be 15 months apart! Brave girl. It took her a long time to have #1 and it involved icky infertility stuff. She bragged, "no shots this time!"