My list

Inspired by the Work It blog's to do list by Maria. Here's mine

Wake up coughing junk...still getting over cold
HD crying...roll to side, lift shirt and wait for the nipple clamp...hoping for no teeth
Doze off and wake to dh's alarm clock
Loulou jumps into bed, drinking a sippy cup of milk from unknown time
Get up
Change baby and put her in bathroom with me while I get ready
Wander to kitchen and make a cup of tea
Get dressed and put concealer on dark circles under eyes

Ask Loulou if she wants anything besides popcorn (popped by dh before he left for work) for breakfast
Put baby in exersaucer in kitchen
Make lunches
Eat breakfast
Talk to nanny about HD as she arrives

Find clothes for LL and get just a top on her...no pants
Check email
Finish dressing LL
Cough and pee into my underwear
Change underwear
Leave house with LL and lunches, backpacks, purse, etc.
Drive her to school and drop her off
Arrive at work and meet new student shadowing me

See patients
Call colleague at hospital
Nuke and Eat lunch
Call colleague at the other clinic
See more patients

Go pick up LL at school
stop at grocery store
Buy many extraneous items not on list including pink pool noodle and a bag of brach's candy (LL discovered it...I didn't know those candy things still existed!)
Head home
Unpack groceries
Talk to nanny as she is leaving
Eat snack and open snack items for LL
Watch her eat in succession...2 candies, 1 push up, 1 yogurt, 1/2 glass milk
Talk to mom
Go wipe LL's bottom and comment on her GREEN colored poo (yesterday's blue popsicle?)
Prep for dinner
Help LL with swimsuit and fill kiddie pool outside
Get HD and nurse her as DH comes home and send him outside to the kiddie pool
Fix dinner
Eat
Clean up
Play roll around with HD
Sort toys and clean up playroom a bit
Watch 1 episode of House Hunters
Change HD, nurse her, and put her to bed
Take big giant bath with LL
Read comics to LL and color a bit
Make cup of tea
Log onto blog
Blogging

WHEW!

Escape pod

Rare moment of quiet in the house...HD is napping and Loulou is in her room coloring (I think), and DH is watching TV. We've been all getting on each other's nerves all day. Oh, well, sometimes it's like that. Good thing we have a roomy house. Dh and I are about to take off with some friends (no kids) to a minor league baseball game. I am planning on eating some high calorie baseball park snack. I am not sure which one yet. Auntie is coming to babysit...oh yeah!

Skimmed thru my Pe*ple magazine last night to catch up on the latest on the J*n and Kat* saga. I don't watch the show (watched it once and it stressed me out), but it sounds like fame and fortune and too many kids got to them. Sad...hope they pull through. I was telling my pal at work the other day, I don't watch TV much but I prefer to watch show that have no relation to my life...such as Make me a Sup*ermod*l. Yay Brandon won!

I LUV my DH

I took a night off last night from my family. I crept out to the (air-conditioned) exercise room off our garage and slept there, blissfully, for 6 hours and 30 minutes in a row with only a brief 3-4 minute awakening to realize I was alone in very quiet room. I have not slept continuously that long for the last 3 months (had one night out of town in Feb). Dh kindly did the night time duties for both girls with nary a complaint or loss of spring in his step. I love this man.

Happy where I am at

Dh and I dressed up today and went to a wedding. Not really close friends, but in the social/ professional circle of our family/community. I haven't been to a wedding in a while, but what I felt was not only happiness for the couple (in their late 20s) but also relief that this part of my life was over. I looked around at the younger women prancing around in their finery (short dresses in bright colors with high heels or short black dresses with colorful heels) and was glad I wasn't in that stage of my life...single, self conscious about my looks and wondering when my life would be starting/ settling down/ finding the "right" guy. I sipped my drink, in my long dress (polka dots on chiffon...actually recycled from a few years ago) and comfy-heeled, yet still this season's sandals), with dh by my side, knowing he was going to want to leave early too so we could pick up a few groceries on the way home before returning to the kiddos. Yup...in spite of returning to crying, teething baby and a super-tired cranky 3 year old and the house in shambles (fun times with the baby sitting relative)... this is where I want to be. Happy, content, and grateful....smiling at my 3 year old who was prancing around wearing one of my short colorful dresses (floor-length on her...I deemed too short for me to wear to a wedding).

Spawn of mine

Apparently Lou Lou and I are very similar in that we have to have a big tantrum and then everything after that is peachy keen. She and Honeydew (though a baby really can't help much what she does esp when she is sprouting her 1st tooth) drove me to the brink of insanity on Tuesday. I was being pissed off at dh too and ended up spanking (1 swat on Monday actually too) 1 swat on a small 3.5 year old's behind. I agonized over it and felt horrible. I put myself in timeout. The rest of the week I have been fine. Nothing has bothered me. Lou Lou also went nuts Tuesday and then has been quite a nice kid since then. Someone told me some planet is aligned with something else and we are all going to have trouble communicating this week. Indeed.

Love and an IUD

I have been blaming my mirena IUD lately for my moodiness, weight, etc. I am probably misplacing my blame but perhaps it is just the knowledge that that little piece of plastic eluting hormones in my body is keeping me from getting pregnant. I know that I will not be having more kids, but it still feels weird to be doing something to prevent pregnancy. When people ask me if I will be having more kids, my "NO" comes out so fast everyone comments on it. Maybe it isn't even the fertility thing. Some part of me thinks I need to be "natural" and not have devices/ hormones, etc. in my body. That's extra funny considering I was on birth control pills from age 16 to age 31.

Sex, an enjoyable activity, when we can find a rare moment of kid-free/ aloneness, is now, just for sex. Creating life is no longer part of the agenda. Maybe I am just a weirdo. Maybe I am just feeling amazing fortunate to be blessed with 2 healthy girls that I should just be grateful.

Mom, where are you taking me today?

My restless Loulou asks me this question each day. Lately I have been feeling guilty because 3 days a week (no school, not a weekend), she stays with the babysitter at home (mostly). So this morning we head out for the mother's day luncheon and she does pretty well until we see the decorative candy by the nametags. From that point it was mostly whining for the candy (which was being used for a door prize) and we left early. I was being nice and was going to stop at the convenience store for gas and candy. So, I drive along and 10 minutes later she's asleep. I did stop for gas and was thinking about getting candy when a loud car pulled up playing the latest most obscene gansta rap I've heard in a while. So, now it is time to go. Maybe that's we stay home mostly.

Barf o rama

Hit hard with a terrible case of food poisoning/ stomach virus yesterday and am recovering today. Blech...it was awful. I was so sick I didn't even want to watch TV (!). I actually had to miss a day of work (I cannot remember that last time I took a day off for illness, other than my mat. leave).

Babies are ok so far...and I hope to keep it that way. Honeydew still nursed and somehow in my dehydrated state there was still milk. Well, I'm going to go eat some saltines now.

Telemarketing

Got home and there was an answering machine message from Talbots the ladies clothing store. It was reminding me to shop the sale that was going on. WTF? Their reputation of being a snobby older ladies clothing store is apparently gone...that unless, now I am in the demographic of a snobby older lady. (I must admit I did shop there in the early part of the year armed with 2 gift cards from Christmas and birthday).

Ball of stress

I have been a stressed out mommy lately. Nothing major, but I am having a major flare of eczema of my left boob (had a biopsy there 2 weeks ago...just nipple dermatitis), bouts of irritability (my dh might call it something else!), aches and pains in my neck and head, and this week I had a bad cold/ sinusitis.

Now granted, the honey moon period of going back to work as ended, I am still getting up 1-2 times at night to feed/ awakening at 5-6 am and not really sleeping after that, have had dh out of town and parents here last week...just life stuff. The honeydew has slept thru the night a few times (last night being one of them...yay!).

I know what I need to do to reduce my stress...exercise...but I can't seem to find the right moment to do it yet. From the time I get up on the weekdays, it's like a running race with a few hurdles and few water breaks. Dh really helps out in the evenings, and I have gone walking in the neighborhood a few times. But the unpredictablity of Loulou a 3, almost 4 year old can kink the schedule. Often I am so tired, or just nursing the baby so I don't do anything. The weekends are kind of the same. Waking, cooking, cleaning, feeding, resting, and then back to the same. I even have help, so it's not as bad as it could be. I think I am just in an adjustment period. One of my best stress reducers actually is just hanging out with my dh and shooting the bull. We try, but often we are interrupted by small children crying or asking questions.

We were this morning given a few moments of just time to ourselves at church. Honeydew was asleep in the nursery with grandma and Loulou was sitting with her friends in front of us. Thanks God.

My own economic stimulus

Well, my computer had a blow-out and it just got back from the computer hospital. Thankfully, fixed and files restored. Lesson learned...back-up, back-up, back-up. Wrote the check and am kicking myself for spending so much in the past as I gaze at my dwindling account. Let's hope next month's paycheck is a little better than last's (I get paid according to how much I work/ collect). Then the sprinkler system had an leak, then another, then another, and because we are feeling green and hot, we are adding some trees to our yard. Cha-ching. At least that is helping the environment.

I wandered into the open house across the street the other day and saw the price of the house and realized we could not afford to buy in this neighborhood any more! So we are staying put and actually, I am enjoy my house as we live in it longer. We certainly could use another bedroom (we have 3), but we'll make do as everyone ends up in the same room anyway for baths and some bedtimes. We should have just build a 1 bedroom with a kitchen and 1 giant TV room house. I was watching a show on TV about community/ commune houses. Kind of a interesting option for singles/ retirees/ small families.

Lost my computer privileges

Loulou has reached the developmental milestone of clicking onto the internet and typing either "Peep," "Dora" or "Elmo" into google and spending time making my mouse and keyboard sticky. I have rarely been able to use my own computer in the past few weeks. I know I am not supposed to leave my children unsupervised in a room with internet, but I do so I can get some dishes washed or read People magazine in peace for few moments.

I was explaining to someone the other day that mothering 2 kids and returning to work now felt like running a marathon with a few sprints in between (work). At least I have my dh in the evenings to share in the fun.

Today I spent the afternoon doing one of the things I hate/ love to do in my life. Buy a car. Yuck. I have been putting it off but our nanny has a small truck and I can't have any kid of mine riding in the front seat. So I am going to have her use my car and I get the new one (whoo hoo!). So now I have spent all our money and committed more to the future. So for now, I continue to work and try to build up some savings again and bring dinner leftovers for lunch (not too bad actually...hot meal in the microwave!).

Le Bebe

Honeydew is snoring peacefully in her crib. Her poor boogery nose is either another cold or some allergies...neither would be surprising due to exposure to both big sis's and my recent colds and our strong family history (both sides) of allergies. She is really growing and gaining new skills. We took her out someplace besides church or grandma's house and she really was soaking it all up. It's a big wide world out there, kid. I have been folding up nice clothes that she has quickly, quickly outgrown.

She has made it to 2 Sundays of baby Bible school (known as cradle roll at our church) and is somwhow always hungry (wanting to nurse) during the service. Thankfully the church nursery actually has a quiet, private area in the back with rocking chair and crib nearby (my idea...great to set baby on while adjusting clothes back into place. There was an abundance of cribs in the main room...we 2009 moms don't really put our babies in cribs much. They are mainly used as changing areas).

She is in the cute cuddly baby phase. I am enjoying it so much (other that the nursing every hour from 3 am to 6 am that has happened the last 2 nights). Perhaps it is only because I know that this is it for me. My MIL who loves to hold babies is enamoured with this one who loves to be held.

Foodie

I was recommending a restaurant to my sister who is traveling next week to Kansas City and it made me think about all the great food experiences I have had in my travels. So what better place to record for posterity than in my blog?! I have traveled to many cities and can't even remember all the names of the restaurants, but here are some of the most memorable.

In no particular order:

1. Savoy Grill, Kansas City, MO

Get the broiled seafood casserole. This place is old school and there are REAL waiters.

2. Mona Lisa, San Francisco, CA

After getting lost in the city and being cold, tired and hungry, stumbling into Little Italy was like walking thru the gates of heaven. This restaurant provided my 1st food orgasm with its fresh mozzarella, basil and tomato appetizer.

3. Chinatown, Los Angeles, CA

I don't remember the name of the restaurant, but in 1984, I had my 1st soup dumpling and was completely fascinated.

4. Fisherman's Wharf, San Francisco, CA

On my honeymoon, we went to one of the hole in the walls and ate crab. I think it was called Nick's. At least we went to the place with booths instead of just eating off one of the stalls.

5. Brennan's, New Orleans, LA

I ate Thanksgiving here once at the Houston TX location, but the memorable meal was brunch. Eggs benedict and a flaming dessert (bananas foster)...dude!

6. Acme Oyster House, New Orleans, LA

Sit at the bar and eat the red beans and rice after you slurp a few raw oysters.

7. Private home, Staten Island, NY

I tagged along to a birthday party of a friend of a friend and his Armenian family cooked a great feast for us.

8. Kitok burger, Waco, TX

Korean women frying burgers laced with soy sauce...yum.

9. A&W, Napa, CA

After many, many fancy meals at fancy restaurants, I enjoyed a hot dog, crispy fries, and an icy cold mug of root beer. Packed at lunch.

10. Old House, Santa Fe, NM

Everything is good here. Expensive, but excellent.

11. Padilla's, Albuquerque, NM

I inhaled the sopapilla basket. It's not fancy, but the place has great service.

12. Hyatt DFW airport, Dallas, TX

As a child we went here for the brunch on special occasions (ice sculptures! omelet station!). I went back as an adult for a business trip and they still can cook. The fish dishes are wonderfully amazing.

13. Bouchon, Venezia Hotel (inside the Venetian), Las Vegas, NV

Hard to find, but I ate a sublime breakfast here. Hash and a caramel coffee drink. Apparently it's one of Thomas Keller's outposts. I went back last year, but it wasn't as delicious as I remembered, but the restaurant is beautiful.

14. Sushi, Seattle, WA

Can't remember the name of the restaurant, but it was across the street from the art museum (saw live nude painted people one day as I was waiting for the bus back to the hotel). Bento box #11 - I can't eat Japanese food anywhere else now that I have had their food.

Milk fountain

Broke down today and ordered a new pump kit for my Medela PIS machine. I haven't been pumping at work and my milk supply has kind of gone nuts. I thought I was supposed to make LESS once I went back to work. When I was on leave, I did not nurse the baby during my "work" hours and I was fine. Now I am just a spraying/ leaking milk machine...cripes. I am finding myself rushing home to unleash my rock hard boobs onto poor Honeydew who is probably already full from the bottles the nanny gives her. I am wondering even if I have time to pump...I'll have to make time.

Discontinued

Well, I look at Wee One and realize she isn't so "wee" any more and am giving her a new blog name. I hearby declare the name "Wee One" discontinued and christen her "Loulou."

The real reason for today's title is so I can rant about the discontinuation of just about any or all products/ menu items I tend to like. Currently I am using Glysomed hand cream (DISCONTINUED!!! ONLY AVAILABLE IN CANADA!!!) and recently discovered a new lotion, Dove Pro Age cream oil, that has been able to help my dry cracked heels (a problem for me since college days...I've tried everything) and it has been discontinued also. My dh was using a wonderful hair product, Dep men's hair pomade, and that was also discontinued. (I used to call it his "Dapper Dan" stuff after the fictional product that George Clooney used in Oh Brother Where Art Thou. Oh well, I supposed my mother is still lamenting the disappearance of Rose Milk lotion.

Treading water

Well, I have made it almost to the end of the week. The 1st day back at work was like jumping into the deep end of the pool. It was nice as everyone was saying how glad they were I was back. I am tired, but it is a good tired. As a child/ teen I wanted to be needed, to be useful to others. Boy howdy, I got my wish as a adult.

Dh is struggling with some eating problems and he is going to get an upper endoscopy next week to explore is esophagus and stomach. The doctor is suspicious for eosinophilic esophagitis, a condition that is caused by food allergies. He has lost some weight and I am worried. It is hard because I feel like I could be hurting him by serving him dinner and my way of showing love has been often through my cooking.

Getaway

Just returned from a quick trip to Albuquerque and enjoyed myself very much. Dh and I went to celebrate our 6th (!) anniversary. My favorite parts included lunch at Padilla's (I almost ate the whole basket of sopapillas) and a trip to the Tamaya spa where we enjoyed massage and other treatments...my dh the sci-fi guy said it felt like we were being prepared to be fed to space aliens. I have heard how the hot tub parts of some spas can be clothing optional...so it was a bit disconcerting at 1st, but I made sure no one was looking my way and slid into the hot tub like a fish. At least it was not co-ed and just ladies. Such fun!

Tomorrow I begin a new routine, part 3 of "Project Baby #2." I resume working outside the home and my "normal" life...whatever that is! I am anxious, of course, but know that this is what I going to do right now until I figure out the next part. As the writer, Anne Lamott writes, I am proceeding until my next "operating instructions."

I Hate February

I have always dreaded February because I or one of my family members is always sick. Add to that my work in a medical clinic, and there you have a full blown month of misery. This year, unfortunately, Honeydew got it...this weekend has been one of diarrhea, snuffy nose, fever, coughing, and spitting up. Last night was bad and today she has been improving. At one point I had spit up dripping onto my foot and pooling in my crotch area. I have not worried about her much since she was born until now. Hopefully she will sleep well tonight and heal up fast. For now, she is fever free, dozing off, and in clean clothes (6th change of clothing in the last 24 hours).

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hope everyone got some love today...I'm going to send out some love for everyone today...smack!

Dh and I got super romantic and gave each other chocolate (for him) and flowers (for her) and drove 20 miles to eat some cajun fast food fried chicken (we had the restaurant all to ourselves by 6:30) and browse at the bookstore for our date. It was great!

Honeydew

Art imitating life

Noticed today's art of the day (scroll down) is Picasso's depiction of a lady nursing her baby. Just looking at it makes the let down reflex occur in me...

Oooommmm

Battling stomach bug that I caught earlier this week...much better, but I am still very tired. Icky stuff. It's really bad when it feels like your peeing from the wrong place (I know...TMI). It seems as I get older illnesses that were minor in the past are more severe and more difficult to bear. I was gathering a few supplies at the grocery store today and my feet actually felt achy.

The Wee One and Honeydew are hanging in there...just some mild colds and boogers coming out of noses. So I hope to recover fully after this weekend, in between the demands of a 3.5 year old girl and the 3 am feedings required by the infant stomach of Honeydew.

Actually the demands of Wee One have been so great lately, I noted I haven't posted or managed to string words to post here in a while. The nanny has her out for the past hour for a trip to the local mall (handily down the street). So the peace in the house has a meditative quality for me...zzz's for Honeydew and me a bit earlier.

On another subject, as we are fortunate to live in a very nice house in a place where the economy hasn't crash yet, I was perusing the realty ads today. There are definately more houses on the market now that there were just a few weeks ago. With the price of oil dropping, I can see that it is finally beginning to affect this community. I have occasionally daydreamed about getting a different house with a space for seperate guest room, a bedroom for Honeydew, and a playroom (they are all one now), but it would be really insane to do this now. We'd probably get a good deal, but our house could be on the market for much longer than we could afford. We could always put a trailer out back for the kids...ha,ha,ha.

Ruminations

I am starting to ruminate about the time when I return to work again (in 5 short weeks). I think I should be able to handle it, but I will miss the nice free time I have now. Honeydew is doing good especially since she and I have been co-sleeping and nursing. It is so nice to be horizontal for at least 7-8 hours at night. Wee one is adjusting back to her new/old school and after spending some time with her classmates and parents at a birthday party yesterday, I know we made a good choice again. 2 kids...double the fun! I cannot imagine yet what it will be like when I have to figure out 2 kids activities/ schedules and how to get them there. In time, in time, I tell myself...don't get ahead of the game. Everything always seems to work itself out in some way.

My Review of Supernanny Diaper Bag with Changing Pad

Originally submitted at Kipling

Supernanny Diaper Bag with Changing Pad

Supernanny Diaper Bag with Changing Pad

This bag rocks!

By Toffee from West Texas on 1/23/2009

 

5out of 5

Pros: Durable, High Quality

Best Uses: Everyday, Travel

I had admired a friend's purple monkey purse a while back and while I was searching for a diaper bag to use with my newest baby, I found this bag. It is very light weight and very easy to carry even loaded down with all the baby stuff. The fold out pad works great and the interior is very roomy. I would recommend adding one or two outside pockets to easily stow a bottle/ sippy cup or wipes. It is pricier than some other diaper bags, but the quality is great and it really is a bag that you will use all the time. Probably the only one I will need for the duration of diaper bag usage. It does look cool and I think my husband could carry it without feeling girly.

(legalese)

Vacunas

Shots for Honeydew today. I sat with her nestled in my supercool sling in a sea of strollers and car seats in the waiting room of the doctor's office. The mom next to me was telling her also 2 month old daughter, "now would that be more comfy to be in a sling?" Apparently too wiggly to tolerate one per mom. I told her my 1st kid didn't like it at all. She did have a cool stroller.

Now Honeydew has 5 holes in her thighs, the aftertaste of the rotavirus stuff and tylenol in her mouth. Thankfully she is at the moment peaceful, tummy full of mommy milk and sleeping. Wee one has also miraculously decided to take a nap so the house is amazingly still.

Ahhh....I am going to make a cup to tea now.

Babykins

OK, when MSB is in my arms and her eyes are closed, she is so sweet and warm...and she looks just like DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW from the Muppets!



http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Dr._Bunsen_Honeydew

Poor thing...that her own mother thinks she looks like a pale green muppet. Dh says at least I don't think she looks like his trusty assistant, Beaker. I am such a science nerd. The muppet show was awesome.

Fashionable again in a tight ecomony

The joy of finding a new wardrobe in the post partum period is often tempered by new body shape issues, leaky breasts, and currently a respect for the state of the economy in the this country. I was really looking forward to shopping for and wearing normal clothes again even though I really had a great pregnancy wardrobe this time. Body shape issues - I have been wearing out my stretchy pants and warm up suits. I have not tried on jeans or any kind of tailored pants because I know it will be a nightmare. Leaky breasts - patterns and things with vests/ jackets and the big box of breast pads my pal gave me. Economy - I have been rediscovering my closet and mixing up things that I never thought about. I have picked up a few things on the clearance rack at T$rget and JC P&nney.

My maternity clothes are all given away (I was just sick of looking at them and having them take up space in my closet). I did splurge on some cool ankle boots, bought online while I was pregnant and a cute pair of flats from Walma^t that were only $12. I did drop some dough on some nursing tops that I actually have not worn yet...for some weird reason I got sleeveless ones....what was I thinking? It's January!!! I also spent some cash on bras...comfy, comfy, organic cotton that are so awesome for nursing, etc. I hate wearing bras so these have been wonderful. Of course, I had to get the new mom's accessory --- the diaper bag and I found the perfect one for me after getting one that wasn't.The new one is by Kipling and is in my favorite color, purple. It is nylon based so it is amazingly light weight. The front folds out into a diaper changing pad/ station. It reminds me of those purses they used to sell on TV when I was a kid..the front flap folded out and held all your money, credit cards, etc...back then I thought that in beige nylon was so awesome. It's funny I got a real diaper bag as with the 1st baby I received 2 fancy ones (too heavy, too small respectively) and ended up using an old nylon tote from Le Sportsac I got at a garage sale for $3. So that's the latest on post partum fashion in my world.

The Perfect Mother

The mother creates the nutritious meal for her darling daughter:

a brightly colored plate with halved grapes, organic chicken cut into small pieces, steamed green beans, buttered noodles, and a cup of organic apple juice

What actually happens:

a few sips of juice are take and then the child goes to raid the pantry and eats 5 chocolate covered pretzels, a half pack of old gummy fruit snacks that were opened and left out, and a few sips of daddy's coke he left on the counter from last night.

"Paul doesn't realize that it is easier to be the perfect mother with children who are not your own. The children you have temporarily do not push your buttons in the way your own children do. That when children aren't actually yours, you are not exhausted or stressed or distracted when you are with them."


From "Second Chance" by Jane Green

Return to normal

The last few days have been really relaxing. I suspect it has to do with the new year and the turmultous (sp?) end of 2008. The high risk pregnancy, dh's diverticulitis, the birth, the holidays, etc...we survived and are blessed indeed. I have come to terms (and dh has too) as to how much I can handle without turning into crank b*tc* woman. Wee one has chilled a bit and I have to remember to really give her my full attention whenever I can. It is not so much that my attention is on MSB (who gets ignored regularly), but that I want to do other things like cook supper and reply to an email from a friend or try to get a wiggly baby latched on without someone shreiking in my ear to do something else. sigh.

But overall I have a better attitude about everything and am trying to go with the flow. My dh is very laid back and has been very helpful...basically when he comes home from work, wee one monopolizes his time until she passes out (sometime before 10 pm). We have given up begging for a nap in the afternoon and that has decreased the stress in the house considerably. My dear sis and her dh came for a visit this past weekend too and she has always been a calming influence on me. She always has helped me put things into perspective...she is 5 years younger, but has always been a very wise person. We cooked and make some really yummy things...she says I am her muse. The chocolate lava cake we made was really, really wonderful...it gave me some of my "mojo" back!

New Year's Eve

The holidays have been busy, and I am just trying to get by each day right now. My mind, at the moment is a bit frazzled from tiredness so this might ramble/ not make any sense! We had the eating/ gift extravaganza with the inlaws. Great food...I can't seem to stop eating again. Saw a movie on Xmas day...Benjamin Button...very long, but a beautiful movie. Dh and I were both in a cleaning/ clearing out mood these past few days so I have made a few trips to Goodwill and the dumpster. Tonight I will be celebrating new year's with sparkling grape juice and the kiddies and dh at home.

I have been daydreaming about returning to work earlier than I planned again. Of course, it is the whole, I am not earning money thing again, but it has been hard for me to be at home at this point. The nanny has everything under control and my presence seems to only antagonize my 3 year old (I know that kids behave worse when mom/ dad is around sometimes...just a fact of life). She won't let me take a nap and today everytime I nursed the baby she came over and yelled/ screamed. I know, this too shall pass. I am just feeling old and tired.

I wish everyone good health, prosperity, and happiness for 2009. Happy New Year!

Bottomless pits

Today is a cloudy, cold wintry day here and all MSB and I want to do is EAT! Wee one doesn't eat, she just bounces from room to room, occasionally stopping to consume some candy she has found (we were cleaning out closets this weekend) or a piece of fruit from the fruit bowl. But MSB and I are a different story. Our stomachs are bottomless pits, demanding, milk for MSB (either mommy's or similax)---she doesn't care, and for mommy, anything edible in the kitchen. I have been trying to cut back on wheat products after reading a theory on possible opiate like effects of wheat peptides on the colon and because the baby and I are so gassy all the time this past week. It is much harder than it seems to avoid wheat/ gluten. Rice, potatoes, corn, corn chips, etc...until I can get to the grocery store and regroup. I did make some really kick-as* Muddy buddies chex mix with rice (gluten free for my celiac diseased sis in law and nephew). Those really rock. I should be taking a nap right now but I have to appease the hunger 1st or else I can't fall asleep. I am going to try and be healthy and attack the box of pears from Harry and Davi$ I just got in the mail.

Life

38 years ago today, I was born. I have lived a really nice life and today I got to celebrate with loved ones, had lunch with dh (just the 2 of us!), received cards, ate birthday cake (for breakfast!), and opened some nice gifts. A pretty great day overall.

I was catching up on sending/ receiving email and I got an email from an old childhood friend. Earlier in the week, she endured one of the most horrible things that can even happen. The family was involved in a terrible car accident and she lost her only child, a 14 month old daughter. My heart aches for her and the family. I cannot understand or comprehend this. Why did this happen? I don't know. How can one survive this? I don't know. I hold my children tight and am grateful for the time I have with them. Hopefully, a long time.

In the race

As I am in the marathon that is the period of newborn-ness, I am beginning to lose a bit of stamina and am recalling the mental race of watching the clock again. Feed baby, count the time I have until the next feeding to sleep/ do laundry/ cook/ etc. This time is not as bad as the 1st baby as I have a very distracting 3 year old I still have to pay (extra) attention to at this time. It is especially acute in the evenings when dh comes home, the nanny is gone and I am trying to get dinner/ feed baby/ bathe 3 year old/ control chaos. My dh is very very good about entertaining wee one so I am grateful for that, but I feed off any anxiety or stress on his/ her part. I have heard this is often the worse part of the day for many families.

So, I am trying to get some perspective on this too, all of this. Life for me, has often been hard and so I don't expect the easy. College and med school were hard, residency was hard, divorce was hard, working up the courage to get married again was hard, getting pregnant with #1 was hard, going through a cancer scare last year was hard, etc. Some may look at my life and think I have it easy and perhaps I have compared to the trials so many others have. However, I am at the point in my life that I have some control sometimes over my options. I can rearrange/ reconfigure/ add/ subtract/ change things to make life easier. The trick is to figure out what may work.

Doing my part

Just returned from Tarjay again and left a bunch of money there in exchange for some bags of baby stuff, 2 Xmas gifts, canned goods, 1 black skirt for mommy, a dozen eggs, and an organizing bin for wee one's room. I can't seem to get out of there under 3 figures this month. I laugh at the days when I was a poor student and was stressed about spending $30 there!

It is kind of weird right now to be spending money, not only because of the relentless media honking about the economy, but because I am not working right now. Dh is working of course, and I saved up money for this leave, but it is still a bit uneasy to me. I suppose it is some of kind internal fear in me about not being able to take care of myself/ my kids. Who knows...money comes and goes anyway. I am blessed in so many other ways I can't even count.

Next week is the big Xmas lollapalooza with my IL's who go overboard...I have been cleaning out closets and bookshelves in my house as I know new things will be gathering there. They probably think I am not very thoughtful (although this year I have an excuse...Hey I just gave birth!) as I tend to give large fruit baskets from a catalog (from a local grower!). The kids all get gifts, of course. Xmas time is very special especially this year as I gaze on my sleeping baby...sleep in heavenly peace indeed.

Care and feeding of your child

MSB is doing well and doing all the things that a newborn should. Her check up last week went smoothly. Weight gain documented, head measured, and reminders about feeding guidelines reviewed.

Wee one is in a big NO phase and it occasionally makes all of us NUTS! I let her eat too much candy today (candy canes) and she didn't nap so who knows what may transpire this evening. I am about to climb into a big bath and maybe she will join me. She missed her bath last night because she passed out right after dinner. It was way too cold anyway so her skin actually was probably saved by keeping those extra oils on.

I am enjoying my time and got out of the house for some beauty treatments (haircut, pedicure) yesterday and today. I still look tired in spite of that and the help I have (babysitter in the afternoons). Some people are asking me if I am back at work yet...dude, it's only been 2 weeks since I had the baby...need more sleep/ rest.

Tomorrow I am going to see my OB and we are going to discuss a hormone secreting IUD (mirena). He recommended this instead of a tubal so I plan on trying this even though I am not sure about having something in me. But at this point, no more pregnancies for me please.

Bouncing back

Physically, this time after childbirth, I am much stronger physically. Mentally, better too, however I have another cold that is making me nuts and my upper lip and nose super sore. I have spent so much money on Puffs with lotion and buying pseudoephdrine (no, mr. pharmacist, I am not making meth with this stuff...just trying to unclog my left nostril and sinus).

Today I went to stock up on supplies at Wallyworld and buy a few Xmas gifts. There are sure a lot of people who have time to shop at 10am on a Monday morning. It completely exhausted me and I scarfed down lunch, watched "A Baby Story" on TLC and passed out on the couch until it was time to pick up my daughter at school. The Baby story episode was touching...a lady with a brain tumor that appeared clinically with the epidural for her 2nd pregnancy. She had surgery (2!) to remove it and was giving birth to her 3rd child. She was remarking (her dh too) that having a baby at age 40 was really different as she was so tired. Tiring indeed.

Baby feet!

I got my dh a new camera for the occasion of the birth of the new baby. He's been having fun with it and snapping happily. He was the last of many children and apparently there are only like 1 or 2 pictures of him as a baby documented! I did have to look high and low for where he put his camera so I could download the pictures onto my computer. He was looking at the pictures and he noted that he had taken one of me while I was feeding the baby and my naked boob was showing. I strongly suggested that he delete that one unless he felt he could make some money off of it on the internet...ha, ha,ha!

Back to the Boobies

MSB was a bit inconsolable the other night which is very unusual for her so far. She is a very tranquil, contented baby the majority of the time. So I checked her our, cuddled, changed diaper, etc and I knew she wasn't hungry as she had polished off a bottle 1/2 hour before. Finally, a bit reluctantly (with a series of flashbacks to never ending nursing sessions, bleeding cracked nipples, plugged ducts, sprays of milk going across the room, mastitis, the intimate relationship with the pump ---electric and cool hand held avent model, trudging around with the stained boppy pillow, resenting my baby and dh for getting me into this, hating myself for having those feelings, and me running away from my dh every time he got near my chest) I put the baby to my breast and she latched on. Ooooo, ow, ahhhhh....she was sucking away and I actually got the relaxed, stoned feeling that nursing moms love.

The milk is flowing (I totally could be wet nurse) but I am going to do this mainly for comfort and around the planned schedule for when I go back to work. No pumping....at all. I figure 2-3 sessions a day is better than none at all. To go totally boob all the time is something I cannot handle without going crazy.

Absent minded

Today I...

1. Left a package of chicken thighs in the car from the grocery store until it was time to cook them (they were quite frozen and were still cold and my mom deemed them ok to cook/ eat...we'll see how we are doing in the next few hours)

2. Stuck a maxi pad in my pants and forgot to take the adhesive strip off the "wings" and bled all over myself

3. Started this blog entry last night, didn't finish, left open on dh's computer and he asked me if I was done

4. At the 5am feeding, lost track of how many scoops of powdered formula I had put in the bottle.

Gotta love the sleep disruption/ deprivation

Black Friday/ shopping fun

Just got back from a trip to Tar-jay where I was clutching my "save $15 off purchase of $150 or more" coupon at the checkout lane wondering if I had bought enough. Let's just say I almost could have used 2 coupons... Anyhoo, we weren't even really Xmas shopping, just getting some necessities (humidifier for our dry climate + heater coming on, maxi pads, Dora sippy cups, frozen pizza, etc) for our daily life. We have been surprised this weekend how empty our town seems. The park, the restaurants, the shops...not even as busy as usual weekends. I know some of it is people going out of town and some may be the economy, but we were in one of those pockets of the country where the bad times have not hit just yet (they hit really bad about 25 years ago and people still remember those times). We did get some super deals on a few DVDs....Monty Python's Holy Grail, and Moulin Rouge (probably a stocking stuffer for my MIL, lover of all things movie musical.

I am still mostly an internet shopper for other stuff. So convenient and such fun to get boxes at the door. I recently discovered a great site for comfortable bras (I hate bras) called blue canoe. I ordered one for nursing and have a few more ordered to try. It has been kind of discouraging being postpartum shape, but I went through some of my closet yesterday and have managed to find some clothing that I can wear/ live with until the middle part of me becomes less prominent (hopefully). I may hop over to academy and get some clothes (they have great prices) to tide me over. I received a super comfy warm up set from there as a gift last week and it actually fits!

Bleeding nipples...great name for a punk/ metal band

OK, I put MSB to the boob every 3 hours in the hospital and ended up with bleeding, painful, scabbed nipples. I BF my 1st kid so I knew how to position/ latch on and had the nurses check me. MSB has this power suction and I think it got worse as she was HUNGRY and all she got were tiny bits of colostrum. After seeing her pull away with a mouthful of blood, I just cried and got out the bottles. My milk did come in 2 days, but by that time I didn't want to feed her (or pump) and had already been giving her formula. OK you can throw nursing pads at me now. Crazy thing...life is so much easier esp at night. Instead of endless nursing sessions in the bleak parts of the night, we heat, eat burp and sleep in about 20-30 minutes. I am such a happier mommy and MSB is content. That 1st bottle I gave her she just sucked it down burped like a trucker and was calm and sighed contentedly.

Preschool Stress

As I lift my head out of the fog of being pregnant, hormones, and general unwellness, I notice that my wee one and others are trying to tell me the new preschool ("the best in the city")isn't working out as we had planned. Various concerning things like how we are struggling to get her up, dressed, and there without being "tardy," how dirty she was when she came home several times, to our nanny's concerns about the teachers approach to talking to the kids, to how more structured the school is than I thought would be for 3 year olds, and etc.

So we are leaving and I am going to put her back into her little mother's day out where she can be painting, playing , and laughing, and we don't have to always be on time. Wee one is excited agreed to this change and got out her old hello kitty lunch box this morning...oh sweetie, we are going to have a holiday this week and we'll start Monday.

I had really agonized about this in the 1st place and understand that for her this will not be the right place. I hate to think she was ever unhappy, but didn't really know how to express it very well to me...oh the agony of parenting when you make a wrong decision. I should have known it from her school pictures...the old one she is sweetly smiling and the new one she looks dazed. Live and learn.

My Sweet Baby

MSB was born Friday at 12:15 pm weighing 6 lbs 6 oz and 19 1/4 " long. She came out after a little pitocin, a nice epidural, scalp monitor/rom (neat trick by L&D nurse) and 6 pushes from mom. In all it took about 3.5 hours. There were a few scary decels of the fetal heart rate (with contractions) but they resolved when I turned from lying on my left side to almost sitting up!

She was a hearty crier at birth and right away we noticed her beautiful full head of dark wavy hair and the loveliest set of fingers I have ever seen on a baby (long, tapered with oval nails).

We came home today and I'll add more when I get the chance...

Pick a birthday

Just got back from OB, I am dilated to 5-6 cm and I am going to be admitted to L&D tomorrow at 7am. He is worried I'll go into labor at home/ in the car/ etc and the baby will comer flying out so we are going to try to have a more controlled situation. He even jokingly told me not to cough, sneeze, etc...hard right now as I am getting over my cold, etc. I am like, WOW. I get to meet my new kid tomorrow.

Pee pee jug on ice

Came back today from high risk OB visit with a brown jug in my hand for a 24 hour urine collection. I dipped protein on the urinalysis the last visit and this one. Super fun. yay. My blood pressures have been fine and I don't have any swelling anywhere (except my belly) so they are not too worried. So I am keeping my jug on ice in a trash can in my bathroom so I don't contaminate my refrigerator (actually non infected urine is actually sterile, but I can't deal with food and waste products in the same place). So various members of my household (my parents are visiting) have been asking me why I am carrying bowls of ice into my room. I tell them they don't really want to know but I tell them why. Everyone then goes, ewww...oh. Fun times, fun times.

Sick again

Woke up at 3 am last night having shaking chills and a mother of a sinus headache, swollen neck glands and a sore throat. Woke dh up to get me some tylenol as temp showed fever. Probably payback for being a harda-- and not letting wee one watch tv after 8:30pm...we fought for at least 1/2 hour about this ( me and wee one). A bit better today, my mom has made some soup for me and the tylenol helps. Wee one went off to school and dh told the teacher she still had a bit of runny nose (no fever) and they said, oh, so does everyone else! She really needed to go as she was having cabin fever pretty bad this weekend because I wouldn't let her go anywhere.

Bored, bored, bored

I know, I know, soon I will not be bored anymore. But I have run out of things to do. I did a little bit of work yesterday...brief meeting and signed some paperwork and I felt like myself again for just a few moments. Last night, I was resting and didn't feel like doing anything...internet, eating, watching movie, etc. Finally I forced myself to read a book, "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner and read all the parts about food and the labor and delivery scenes. Today I feel good and wee one (who was struggling with a a drippy eye virus last night) is better today. Life is good.

Warm up labor

Have been having irregular contractions since 4 am this morning. Nothing in a pattern yet, just the tightening and sometimes back pain. In the haziness of being half asleep, I wonder, hey, is this for real or is it gas or am I dreaming? You'd think since I've done this before I would have a clue, but I have never made it this far. So I am somewhere between 36.5 and 37.5 weeks along, but as the doctor (who believes I am more 37.5 by my LMP) said the other day, the baby should be all baked by now more or less (I had this sudden image of a biscuit when he said that.) Is is time to get the honey and butter out yet?

He even offered the option of induction next week if I wanted. That kind of blew my mind (as I have been fixated on keeping the baby INSIDE because of the preterm history), but I told him I would just continue along and see if it would happen naturally unless he thought there was a reason to do anything.

Date night

DH and I got a really nice date night yesterday. My whole day was great compared to many days in the past few weeks actually. We went to see the movie with the controversial title, "Zack & Miri Make a Porno." I wanted to see either comedy (my fav) or action because any kind of drama or chick flick makes me sob and cry, cry, cry. This movie was hilarious...I told dh I hoped he wasn't embarassed that I was one of the people who laughed the most/ loudest in the theater. However, the man knows my favorite movie include Tommy Boy, Old School, and the 40 year old virgin.

The 1st 1/2 of the movie was wonderfully comedic. SPOILER ALERT...Then the 2nd 1/2 turned into a sweet, romantic comedy and I started shedding a few tears and wanted to hold hands with dh....oh well.

That sucked

Well, I figured out why I felt so bad....I had a throat/ sinus infection. Fever, swollen glands, body aches and the "I feel like a pile of crap" sensation. I am so much better today and even went out to lunch/ shopping a bit with my MIL, so all is well again. I can't blame it all on the pregnancy.

Crib is now set up and bedding has been located and cleaned. It was so hard to do the 1st time around. This time it was a breeze. Now I've got to get the infant seat down and find the boppy pillow.
Nest, nest, nest...

Pregnant, tired, tired, pregnant

Kind of icky today....nothing specific just not feeling great. I may have stayed up too late last night thinking about things. Dh set up the crib and it was way bigger than I remembered. I guess that is reflecting the daunting task that looms ahead of caring for a 2nd child.

I have been spending time looking at clothes on the internet, fantasizing about wearing stuff that has belts again! But last night I ended up buying some nursing tops and bras and hoping my boobs don't get too out of control once the milk starts flowing.

Wee one has been really clingy lately...mommy this and mommy that. I guess she knows something is changing ahead.

Calm

Today begins a new week and I feel so much better. Dh is recovered and I have parents here to help. Oh and also had a bm for the 1st time in 5 days. Life is good. So now I am just gestating and am going to look at all the cute things I got from my baby shower last week. I have read its tacky to have a shower for #2, but my friends said, No, it isn't and we wanted an excuse to throw a party any way. They gave a great party and we had wonderful food...chicken spaghetti and salad and one of the girls made a beautiful cake. Mmmm....I am hungry now.

A little mama drama too

Went to OB today for check up and 35 week GBS screen. He checked my cervix and I am dilated at 3cm and very soft. The head is engaged. He gave me his cell phone and said to call him and head to the hospital if I have any signs of labor. For now the recommendation is rest and fluids. Oh boy....dh and I both on rest. I am calling on my family and friend now...time to get some help!

Papa Drama

DH started feeling terrible after a picnic Sunday and has been miserable since then. I took him to the doctor yesterday and again today for visits and CT scan. Diverticulitis....terrible stuff. We both moaned and groaned today every time we had to get up/down, in/out of the car....what a pair we are. He is better tonight with my leftover pain pills and a colonscopy is scheduled for Friday. I am so tired....it has been a long day. IL's are back in town tomorrow so they will be around for help/ moral support.

Entering uncharted territory

Well, I am starting to get into the time where things started getting freaky the last pregnancy. Anxiety about whether this one is about to GO is increasing. I worry in the wee hours of the night whether my water will break as I get up to pee (that's how it happened last time) and whether the twinge of pain I feel is a contraction warming up or just being constipated. Wee one came at 34 weeks 5 days and that day is today according to my LMP; however my high risk OB thinks I am 1 week behind actually according to size. Part of me is hopeful that I'll make it to 36-37 weeks...my dh giggled at me last night when the commercial for the new James Bond movie came on and said the movie was opening Nov 14. I said that is the day the baby will be born and I'll name her "Bond!"

Please baby, hang on for 3-4 more weeks.

Holding steady

Saw Ob yesterday and not much going on (good!). I finally made it to the grocery store and did pretty good, but was tired after. I have less energy than 3 weeks ago when I started my modified leave. The low back area has been the most problematic as I get bigger.

I am continuing to check my sugars (4 times a day) and eating every vegetable I can find. Carbs are only for the morning and I am allowing myself nibbles of sugarish carbs in very, very small amounts. Blood sugar has improved with this approach. Halloween candy is approaching...I hope I can be strong!

Taking a day off at the movies

I decided to take a "day off" today. I know that sounds funny as I stopped my day job 2 weeks ago, but I decided that's what I would call this day. Wee one had the day off to from school and we had a little friend over to play. They played a little while, but her friend apparently is not much of a Monday person. Wee one and I baked apple turnovers and made hard boiled eggs and enjoyed our morning together. The nanny came at lunch and I went to get some lunch (low carb) and decided to see what was playing at the movies on a weekday afternoon. I ended up at the mall eating lots of veggies and a little protein at the cafeteria and catching "Fireproof" in the mall's cineplex (10!). For 1: 15 pm on a Monday, there were actually a lot of people in the theater. The $5 1st feature of the day ticket price probably didn't hurt either.

I knew it was a movie produced by a large Baptist church in Georgia about marriage and firefighting. I was actually quite impressed by the movie considering all the "amateurs" working on it. My favorite character in the movie, the lead's best friend is actually a full time Marine captain (Ken Bevel) who has never acted in a movie before. Considering a lot of crap that has been coming out of Hollywood lately, I really think it's time for more movies to be made by a larger variety of people like this one. I liked all the action scenes (wished actually there were more!) and cried a lot during the emotional scenes. It realistically portrays a lot of the emotions and trials as you work stuff out in a marriage/ difficult relationship as well as the temptations and distractions that can lead you away from your spouse. Some people might not be ready for the preachy parts, but I can say that there are a lot of things in a lot of other movies that I am often not ready for!

According to some web news on this movie, it cost $500,000 to make and it has already made $12.5 million at the box office. I think there is an audience out there for movies about family and marriage. I am waiting excitedly to see a movie that was previewed, "The Secret Life of Bees." I read the book but don't remember too much about it.

Pissed off

Blood sugars have been climbing these last few days. No change in eating habits....no sugary drinks, no juice, no dessert (except 1 time). I am tired and grouchy, especially today. I suppose it is just because everything is progressing and I am not as active but the is really scaring me and irritating me. I'll do my weekly check in on Monday with the doctor. I did get my teeth cleaned yesterday so I wonder if that could stress my body more right now. I love cooking and right now I am just not in the mood.

Moo

I put on a bigger pair of maternity pants I found yesterday and turned and saw myself in profile. Yes, it's moo time. I think I am a little melancholy as I am quite sure this will be the last time I am pregnant as I am going to hang it up after this one. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she actually asked if I was going to get my tubes tied. That is just too wacky a concept for me after all the infertility stuff. Even though this one was not hard to begot, I had unprotected sex for 3.5 years after wee one without any signs of pregnancy. But, anything can happen. I know I don't want to have a baby in my 40s. Surgery just sucks for me. After my big surgery last year and my super crappy reactions to anesthetics, I am like "ICK!" These thoughts I must ponder...

I am a control freak

I realized how difficult I can be today. Today is my 2nd official day of not working. I did go into the office and do some paperwork. My substitute was there and I noted some things he did that he took care of that I would have done differently. Not that anything was seriously wrong but not up to my standards. Probably also didn't help as my assistant has been out sick x2 days. Anyhow, I have to be out and I have to live with that.

On a happier note, saw my high risk ob doc today and everyone there was in a good mood. The baby was all squashed up on my right side (ouch) but everything measured fine. He didn't frown at my sugars and told me we'd see each other in 4 weeks and then after that, every week for the biophysical profile.

Stuck in the moment

Approaching week 30 and my hormones are revving up. I was at lunch today staring at a piping hot pepperoni pizza in front of me while wee one and dh were feeding tokens into the video machines at our local chain kids restaurant. I had already had my healthy salad and diet lemonade. I figured I'd eat 1-2 pieces. Dh sat down to join me after having settled wee one in the churning school bus ride and in a few moments the pizza pan was left with one piece (and another on wee one's plate). 2 hours later I checked my blood sugar and it was above normal and I whined to dh that I shouldn't have had 3 pieces of pizza. He said, No, you had 4, you ate the last piece before they cleared the pan away. OH MAN...I don't normally even eat that much. I must really be hungry. At my last OB visit I actually lost 2 pounds.

It's a goofy situation. I have gestational diabetes and am following a regimented carb counting kind of diet. I could counteract the times I slip up with exercise, but I have been limited in exercise due to a soft cervical exam and instructions for more rest and time spent "horizontal." Well, I'll just have to keep trying. Sigh.

Home today

5:45 am - "Milk daddy" dh gets up and gets her some milk in a sippy cup.
5:50 am - "Mommy...mommy...my tummy hurts." "OK - why don't you go take a poo" "OK, mommy" "Snore...." "Mommy, I done." (sound of farting). I feel a little warm body climb over me and lay next to me. "Mommy, my tummy - rub lotion" I get up and put underwear back on her and rub some lotion on. She cries a bit and then falls asleep.
6:15 am - "Mommy, I need my baby doll" "OK" I wander around the house and then find it under her bed. She cries and then falls asleep
7:00am - alarm goes off, everyone wakes up. "I happy Mommy" Get her ready for school.
7:40 am - load wee one into car with dh "Mommy my tummy hurts" "OK, do you want to go to school?" "yes mommy"
8:15 am - car pulls in and dh and wee one returns "Honey, she vomited in the car" Clean child, check for fever (none). Try to figure out how to take cover off car seat
8:45 am - give up on car seat and take out to patio to hose down.
9:00 am - child happily watching Peep and eating a popsicle.

Gestational Diabetes Beverages

Happy mood at the moment, just ate my treat...ice cream! I was googling about what kinds of beverages a diabetic can enjoy. I must be thirsty. So here's what I want to drink:

What I want to drink: Coke (yes the real thing) over a big glass of ice, grapefruit juice over a big glass of ice, Orange box - juicy juice (I think its called orange tangerine), orange juice in the morning - straight up, grape juice, V8 juice (gives me heart burn right now...doesn't really affect my sugar I think), IBC root beer from a icy bottle, sweet ice tea over a big glass of ice, lemonade

What I can drink: water, club soda, club soda with lemon/ lime/ splash of juice, crystal light (I make it with club soda to make it like a soda), milk, chai tea (with a splash of half and half and 1 tsp of sugar), warm water, ice water, ice tea - unsweet

Sigh...well at least I have some choices...

Horizontal

Went to the doctor's again this week and after a quick check down below, it was suggested I try to spend more time in a horizontal position. Sigh. I am having flashbacks to last time. He didn't actually say bedrest totally, but I know where this is headed. I am going to try and work about 3 more weeks and then give up my money making job. I suspect the non-money making job is actually the more stressful one. My dh and I went off to the mountains for the weekend and wee one was with her grandparents. My blood sugar was totally normal in spite of me enjoying the cuisine of the small mountain town (I did not COOK at ALL!). I fell pretty good, a bit tired sometimes, but overall not too bad. So any good book recommendations for my horizontal time?

Spoiled

I never realized how spoiled I was until today. I usually toodle off to work somewhere around 8:30-8:45 and it takes me about 10 minutes to get from door to door. The babysitter comes and I only have to concern myself with getting my own body fed, dressed, and to work.

Today, I woke up 1/2 hour early (after an anxious night of sleep) and got Wee one dressed, combed, watered, and out the door with a granola bar into the car. We drove 20 minutes to school in heavier than usual traffic and I dropped her off. I (wisely) chose to take a day off from work today and met a fellow mom friend for breakfast. I was a bit emotional watching Wee One being led into school by a bigger girl and a teacher. I mean she has been going to mothers day out and I was coming to get her in 3.5 hours, but still the same, I got teary as she smiled and waved at me. Starting tomorrow, my dh and babysitter will be mostly doing the driving duties so it probably won't be as hard.

Preschool open house

Yesterday was preschool open house where we got to visit and meet the teacher. We walked into the small classroom and it was packed with parents and tiny children. The girls and boys were self segregating! Everyone seemed anxious...including us! We did seem some friends and familar faces in the crowd so that helped me relax a bit. I still had dreams last night about her new school and me forgetting to take her out of the car seat to let her go to school. Of course, wee one made herself right at home...playing, eating the snacks the teacher had given her and checking out the potty facilities.

My little rebellion

OK today is one of those check my blood sugar days. Everything was pretty good until the after lunch one. I hardly ate anything!!! A lean cuisine, a 1/2 cup of hot and sour soup and a handful of trail mix. Then I got a post prandial sugar (2h) of 140!!! In rebellion and hunger, I ate a banana with a dollop of hot fudge and a scoop of Blue Bell homemade vanilla ice cream for my afternoon snack. Then I got a sugar that was perfectly fine. So, I am going to blame the lean cuisine...

I haven't really been hungry this pregnancy except at the very, very beginning. I remember being at a hotel and just mooning over the breakfast buffet and eating every dollar's worth of food. Then the 1st trimester barfing ensued so I lost all my appetite. That calmed down but I wasn't really that hungry. The last week I've had a few days where I am hungry but have been a bit limited by my room available in my belly. I have gained about 5 pounds so far so I have more to go. It is just freaking hard to eat enough calories without going over my carb limits. There is only so much cheese I can eat without being really, really grumpy / constipated.

Bopping along

Parents are here again to visit/ help take care of us. It is great. I have been able to sneak an afternoon nap or two the last few days. Wee one has been enjoying their company but has just been resistant (for the past few weeks actually) to napping. If she skips her nap, she passed out at 7pm. That is nice because it gives us some free time in the evening, but it means there is no break during the day and she is crabby and tired in the late afternoon.

Here's my tip for constipated pregnant ladies (or anyone else who is stuck): raw pineapple twice a day. Much more gentle (and yummier) than prune juice.

Escape

I find myself reading a lot lately. All my beloved books and then some. I have always been a bookworm and as a child of librarians, something that was just a way of life. However, sometimes in my life I notice I use it to escape as well as unwind. Why escape now?

1. Being pregnant and scared that anything could happen
2. Getting warned by both Ob doc and high risk OB doc to work less, eat differently (Gestational diabetes in last pregnancy), and watch my thyroid (getting blood drawn frequently)
3. Crazy hormones causing weird dreams, thoughts, and odd moments of awkwardness and feelings of teenage rebellion
4. No massages (I usually try for every 2 weeks) due to them making me feel more nauseated
5. Lack of regular exercise (not allowed to do anything strenuous) and also I am just winded from climbing a flight of stairs
6. Avoiding most activity that could cause preterm labor, like last time (yes, that includes sex, but it is getting more difficult anyway...hard, I love and am horny for my dh)

So of course, I am escaping into books since I can't escape into world travel, massage, sex, drugs, alcohol, (ha,ha,ha...I don't drink anyway or have every even taken anything remotely illegal), shopping for hours at the mall (too tiring, nothing fits...did get a new purse the other day), and other fun stuff.

Well, here I am

I was commenting to my dh yesterday that I was so happy to be feeling so much better than the previous 2 months. I had a pretty busy day at work yesterday and went to Bunco last night too. I was trying to ignore those tight sensations in my belly that started late in the afternoon. The baby was moving around too. I was trying to to think about them, trying not to think about how similar they were to contraction type discomforts. I felt fine, had eaten a ton of food at the party and was not very tired. No spotting, discharge, and not really any pain, just tightness.

Finally, I told my dh and his worried glance told me to call the doctor. He told me to hydrate and "get my hips up." I went to bed and slept pretty well, no more tightening. I saw him this morning and everything is fine. He wants me to cut work in 1/2 (I was waiting/ wanting to hear that) and then come back in 2 weeks. My sono is tomorrow too, so there will be more examination. Whew. A scare, but sure sign that my body is screaming at me to slow down.

We're 3!!!

The last 2 weeks have been pretty fun. Wee one turned 3 and we had relatives visiting so I am now catching up. Her B-day was actually a whole week of gift giving and loving from grandparents and cousins. Such fun and excitement. As for me, the belly is stretching and I felt a definite KICK 2 nights ago. Sono is scheduled in 2 weeks...there was a mix up about the appointment and I had to figure that one out. Anyway, life is pretty good.

Still here

Well, I am still pregnant and still struggling somewhat. I just got over a stomach virus (yuk) that I was blaming on the baby, but the arrival of diarrhea changed that thought. But yesterday (better) and today (much better) I am seeing some hope. I went to get a pedicure today and got petted and fretted over by the ladies there (my friend owns the day spa/ salon). It was nice to primp a bit. Makes me feel almost normal again. Mom is coming and I hope just her presence will help perk me up (Dad too). I am very lucky that I still have healthy parents that will come and visit me anytime.

Sad

I opened the paper 2 days ago and saw a picture of a girl I went to college with in the obituaries. My heart skipped a beat and I exclaimed, "Oh my God!" I had not seen her since college and found out she had been killed by a drunk driver. The funeral was yesterday and I really wanted to go, but I felt like I am too emotional right now and didn't want to draw attention to myself. I did go by the church later to run and errand and saw some of the flowers that had fallen to the sidewalk. It made me cry. I see her parents around town every once in a while and I cannot imagine what they are going through. You never expect your child to go before you. I would give my life up for my child to live on.

Finding new things about myself

You'd think I would know myself pretty well by now, at 37 years. But each day I am discovering new stuff I didn't know.
1. I am incredibly incontinent in these past few days...everything makes me pee. And I HATE the smell of urine.
2. I tried to eat "healthy" stuff yesterday, fruit, some soda crackers and I barfed like a freshman at a frat party. Then my dh picked the spicy chicken wing place for his father's day dinner and I ate 6 spicy wings, queso, gobs of blue cheese dressing, and greasy fries and was happy as a clam.
3. I try to do too many things by myself and need to ask for more help. I think part of me is still trying to be a "grown-up" and seeing how much I can handle.
4. I am nuts for taking a 2 year old to a tire store to wait 2 hours to get my flat tire fixed. However, wee one did fine and we are all ok.
5. I am more considerate of others than myself. I have been debating how much maternity leave (6 weeks? 8 weeks? do I dare wish for more?) to take and I was just advising a co-worker..."You should definately take 3 months at least."

Good report

Went to OB's office and saw Banana swimming along in there. I saw little fingers wave at me!!!! Everything is going well...my diabetes is not acting up, blood pressure is good, thyroid is stable. So weird for me to hear that everything is fine. He did suggest some Prevacid for my GI problems so here' s hoping. I ate lunch with a friend who is 6 weeks ahead of me and she said she stated feeling normal again at 15 weeks. I asked if I would be going to the high risk guy for the 19 week ultrasound and my doc said, "Oh, we can do it here or we can do it there." This is so different from the last pregnancy it is really blowing my mind.

Bunco has been a nice activity for me. Some girls at my church started it about the time I had Wee One. I didn't know anyone very well, but I wanted to get to know some people with kids/ babies. Most of the evening is spent eating as we each bring finger foods to share. Alcohol is not a part of the church doctrine so we get jiggy with green ice tea or sodas. The Youth Minister's wife went crazy with the blender one time and we did have some kind of slushy drink with umbrellas. The game it self is pretty mindless and involves simple counting. That allows for us to talk and tell crazy stories while we play. (Like the time one of the mom's had to call Poison Control because her 1 year old ate some of the K-Y jelly in her nightstand...and it was the warming kind). At the end of the evening we get prizes according to our scores. Pretty laid back and most of the group have young kids with a few already teenagers. We stick with a time frame of 1.5 hours once a month because our dh's/ kids await our services for bedtime/ etc.

Barftholmew

I am tossing around that name for my next child as well as tossing my cookies. It is NOT GETTING BETTER. I am going to go to see my OB tomorrow to complain. Dh is trying to cheer me up by saying that me being sick might mean less or no days in NICU. That would be fine with me but I am growing weary of the porcelain embrace. I almost am nuts enough to worrying about a conditioned response...that everytime I go near my lovely master bath suite I have to get prepared. I always have to pee 1st because if I don't I have both urinary incontinence and upchucking. I know, I know, TMI, TMI!!! It is just too humiliating and gross that I have to share. I have been so out of everything that I didn't know postage just went up and I sent out a bunch of invitations for Bunco night...how embarassing. When will there be mercy shown upon me?

The long weekend/ Random thoughts

Just changed a poopy diaper while trying not to barf and convince a small cute person to take a nap so she won't be crabby when G-ma comes to babysit tonight. WHEE! I am off to see Indiana Jones tonight and I am so happy to be thinking about how Harrison Ford looks with his whip and not about my sorry state of being.
Most of the town seems to be around...I think gas prices make people think twice about traveling. We really need to invent those teleportation devices. But then we would not have those wonderful car trip memories. (Mom yelling at my sister and I to quit singing so loudly. Stops at Stuckey's to drink icy cokes. Rest area bathrooms. Mc Donald's apple pies.) That's why we have children...to relive some of those times and so they can have some of those experiences.
One of my hobbies is to read People/ MSN celeb gossip. Last time I was pregnant Britney was too. This time I get to share the spotlight with Angelina. I do think she is cool...but somehow I feel like she is one of those people who are like, "HA! Pregnant! Yeah and with TWINS! I am SO MUCH COOLER than YOU!" (Not that I want twins, but it's the idea of it). I guess I had better rent my French chateau and get my helicopter on standby for my labor. That just sounds like a scary idea to me. I really like being able to drive 4 miles down the road to the hospital and get it all done there with the NICU team on alert.

Low energy

Having some ups and downs lately...emotionally more down. I see signs of depression and this of course makes me worry more. But why? Why not, as I think about it. No major problems, but little annoying things that are adding up. While I am elated that I will be having #2, my life has been really different lately.

1. Physical discomforts - as described in recent posts.
2. Emotional instability due to hormonal fluctuations
3. Tall 2 1/2 year old who has taken to sleeping with me every night.
4. Sleeping earlier/ more than usual
5. Fears and worries about what can/ can't happen
6. A feeling of being stuck for the next year or 2 and having no life.
7. Restriction on travel (partly self imposed, partly due to lack of energy).
8. Lack of marital conooduling due to 2 1/2 year old in bed (quickies just aren't the same as nightly talking and cuddling).
9. Possible work issues that may be beyond my control.
10. My thyroid may be out of whack.

Each part of my life is fulfilling and great, but together it is all wearing me out. There is a bit of hope as my ILs have agreed to give us babysitting and hotel points to a brief weekend getaway. I know a change of scenery will help. This actually all may have started even before #2 due to a very hectic winter at work and my own melancholy sometimes for a more jet set life.
I find myself being envious of other's lives that don't involve care of small children. What a thing to be thinking huh for someone who has had infertility struggles you say. I want to snap out of it but I need to deal with these feelings. One way is to blog about it, talk to my dh and friends about it, and get some help.

Getting old

This progesterone poisoning is getting kind of old. I was pretty good yesterday and then ate lunch (evil, but oh so delicious cheese covered fries!) and was tired from that point on. At 9pm I drank some water and then proceeded to lose my dinner. I have never barf/ burped before...totally disgusting. My wee one was really pissed at me for not paying her any attention and she came in while I was hugging porcelain and said, "Oh, yucky cough." Poor thing. I think I am too old for this.

I cheered up a bit today when I saw a friend that I haven't seen for a while and she confirmed the rumor that she was pregnant. 6 months pregnant and she didn't know she was! Her kids will be 15 months apart! Brave girl. It took her a long time to have #1 and it involved icky infertility stuff. She bragged, "no shots this time!"

My stomach wants to be French/ Vietnamese

I woke up with a crazy craving for the Vietnamese Bahn Mi type sandwich. I was salivating in my bed this morning about the wonderful crusty french bread that it is made on. I went to the grocery store and assembled the ingredients (I have never made this) as there is no vietnamese place within a 250 mile radius. I already got into the bread and am having cheese with it. Perhaps a glass of wine? No I don't like wine, but have a hankering for grapes. Mmmmm...I think I need more bread. I have never even been to a real French restaurant unless you count the chain La Madeline (hq in Dallas, TX). But I have eaten escargot....yummmy garlic sauce... These hormones are really nutty!

Insomnia/ Homer Simpson

Insomnia again...mostly due to a large 2 year old's head abutting against my upper back/ neck area tonight. She and dh were sleeping in her room (he on the floor by accident keeping her company while she fell asleep) but at 3am they both came trundling into the master suite where mommy was sleeping peacefully. So I have a million things running thru my head now so I thought I would just do some catch up (charge cell phone, email, etc.).

I looked at my naked self from waist up today. I totally look like Homer Simpson. Everything is pouchy. Perhaps I can blame it all on the pregnancy, but I suspect all the lazing about and take out food is not really helping. I did cook tonight, but I used a new seasoning mix that is still stuck on my tongue (ick) but is fading out. I think a lot of my crabiness is that I can't drink soft drinks and haven't been able to for the last month due to horrible heartburn. When someone is as clean living as me (no smoking no drinking), my one soda a day was my pleasure. At least I can eat doughnuts, DUH!

I don't know how anyone puts up with me

Sick and tired returned today with a sprinkling of sobbing at lunchtime over a sentimental expression on the TV show 'Househunters" and a splathering of heartburn tonight after a spaghetti dinner. I am really surprised my dh has not gone running for the nearest bachelor pad/ frat house. I rarely cry and in the middle of my cheese sandwich and campbell soup lunch, the lady on tv said "this house is not just a house to us, it's a home." I burst out sobbing and my cat looked up at me quizzically. Thank goodness no one else was home at the time...I would be really embarassed, even in front of my 2 year old. I was really craving spaghetti and my dear dh made the dinner tonight. As I was spooning up the last of the marinara sauce with my piece of bread, I recalled in my 1st pregnancy, I could not eat any canned tomato products due to ferocious heartburn. Well, this time it is ferocious x 5...sucking on TUMS at the moment...ick.

Don't get me wrong. I am really happy to be pregnant and these symptoms assure me that I still am. However, I am so not myself right now (other than the wonderful time yesterday afternoon and evening) that it is really throwing me for a loop.

A shaft of light

The last two days the sick and tired feeling have been better and this afternoon I actually have started feeling more like myself. It is such a relief to have this reprieve or hopefully the end of the symptoms of horrible fatigue and nausea that have been with me more or less all of the last 2 weeks. I prayed on Sunday night in desperation for it to relent, and I think that helped! I still have moments like this morning at work when I actually closed my eyes and put my head on my desk for a few minutes. I feel like I have been trapped in a dark dank cave and someone just let a bit of light into my world.

My so called life

8am - wake up, drag self out of bed. On occasion, 2 year old brings me a piece of fruit on a toothpick with dh yelling from the kitchen that it has been dropped on the floor. Eat it anyway

825- nauseously nuking sausage biscuit. Eat it up, yum. Must have protein or else get really cranky and nauseated by 10am

845 - drive off to work, sipping ice water or lemonade to ward off nausea/ motion sickness

9-10 - do some work

10am - eat midmorning snack. am happiest when we get breakfast burritos with hot sauce

1015-1145 - do some more work

noon - go to breakroom and either grab food from drug rep (usually something yummy) or nuke tv dinner

1230-2:30 - do more work

3:00- drive home, sipping again on lemonade/ water

3:15 - take nap if wee one is asleep, otherwise turn on TV and watch PBS with her

4:45 - start to wish dh would hurry up and come home. eat something salty

5:30-6 - discuss takeout options with dh. I have been to tired/ nauseated to cook for the last 2 weeks.

7-8 - take bath with wee one

8-9 - read stories/ watch tv

9:15 - fall asleep with wee one jumping on the bed. Dream, nausea free, about various hunky/ sensitive men who want me to be the love of their life.

8am - start all over again.

Bloated belly and the elastic waistband

I dug out my old box of maternity clothes today to find more comfy pants. My belly is unhappy with my tight pants and I've been walking around with almost unzipped pants in public/ work. It's early, but I am bloated to the max. I was internet surfing and found a clip from the alpha mom channel about dressing for the 1st trimester with designer Liz Lange. She says she is famous for kicking people out of her store for shopping too early. The main tip I got was to wear normal clothes that have some stretch. DUH! Why didn't I think of that?!?! Ha,ha,ha....sorry...

I wear normal clothes that have some stretch when I am not pregnant, so that tip is a moot point now the the stretch can't stretch anymore. Comfort and style are my mantra. I think I need to go shopping. Most of my old maternity clothes look ugly to me. So 3 years ago.

Thank you bloggers & friends, you are awesome and strong

I went back and perused a few of my favorite blogs to the time where they were in their pregnancies at the point where I am at now. I found the secret blog called Straits of Hell on the Quake Shaken Mama blog that she did when she was worried about miscarrying. It comforted me very much to know that those emotions and feelings were shared by others and I wasn't just completely off my rocker here recently. It is a horrible, abyss of unknown fear...physically paralyzing, icky stuff. All produced by the various chemicals in my brain triggered by my emotions and worries. So, thank you, I know it was not fun during that time, but thank you for writing about it. It really helped me.
Yesterday, I was at a picnic and a few gals were gathered around the table talking pregnancy stuff (no one knows I am at this point) and 2 of them talked about miscarriage...one awfully at almost 19 weeks. They are wonderful women, strong, smart, happy demeanor people. I don't know how they got through all that, but I admire their strength and faith even more.

Morning sickness/ Feeling barfy

Lucky me, I didn't have any morning sickness with #1, but #2, since Monday I have been nauseated from the moment I wake until my eyes shut and I go to sleepyland. It's not a horror show, but a constant nausea that is fortunately relieved by small sips of water (carbonated beverages make it worse...wah...no more COKES), sucking on candy, and food. Friday I felt like I was eating continuously. Ick, ick, ick...I know this is good, for it means the hormones are pumping and baby is growing. It makes doing everything else such a bigger effort than usual. Hopefully this will soon pass and I will feel better. I am thinking about trying to seasickness wrist bands...I thought I had a pair and I have ransacked the bathroom looking for them.

Houston, we have a heartbeat

Beautiful ultrasound today...heart beating away...hooray! Dates are about 1 week off, likely due to my weird cycles...will likely have a Sagittarus baby.

Keepin on, keepin on

Betas came back fine...doubling over 48 hours. Tomorrow is appt with RE and another sono to see what is going on. I feel better today, much better. Yesterday was awful because 1st, it was a Monday, the beta wasn't back yet (apparently no labs are run on the weekends), and I had an awful mess of crap coming out from the recesses of my sinuses. I think I even ran a slight fever. I slept and slept and felt better today. I think I worried myself sick. That is so awful...I felt like I was in a purgatory, not knowing. If I was more ignorant, I would be less grieved.

Why does it have to be this hard?

Last few days have been alternating between worried/stressed and whatever will happen, will happen. I am still feeling pregnant...tired, hungry, crying at any kind of touching or sentimental commericials/ movies. This morning I woke up feeling very heavy in my limbs and tired. Small brown mucous discharge appeared in my underwear, but no blood. I usually get something like this before my period, but I recall I had stuff like this and even bright red bleeding in my last pregnancy. I googled and came up with this reassuring statement: That is usually "old blood" tht is being pushed out of the uterus by the growing fetus. Also I had relations yesterday so maybe it is from that...However in light of the fact that I am not sure what is really going on, I am worried/ scared. The sermon at church helped---it was about fear and how to be reassured that God will be with us through it all. I am waiting for my 2nd beta...done yesterday. I am definitely in the WTF...why me...kind of mood...sucks. I think I am going to call my RE tomorrow and make an appointment... I want to get on with my life...but then I realize this is my life.

Nada Mucho

Well, the ultrasound didn't help much...we found the sac and my HUGE uterus, but no heartbeat. She thinks it is smaller/ less far along than I thought (size is more like 5 weeks than 6) and we'll try again next week. My BFF the OB is recommending doing 2 serial betas to make us all feel better. However, you don't usually see a heartbeat well at 5-6 weeks, so I am not freaking out yet. I am getting a beta drawn today and in 48 hours to see if it is increasing. My RE called and even before I did the U/S., she had said, oh you might not see it...you can come by and let me check later if you want. We did see a lot of blood flow and I still feel very pregnant, so I take that as good signs...

Walking on eggshells clutching my uterus

Really different this time...I call the OB office and they said we'll see you at 10 weeks. I called the RE's office to let them know and there has been no reply. I am just on my own, the emby floating along, demanding more food and giving me the weird symptom hot feet at 3am (insomia at the moment so I can post without a 2 year old demanding to change the website to Curious George). My BFF is an OB so she graciously offered to ultrasound me tomorrow so we can check out the heartbeat. In return I promised to look at her sore throat of 1 week and lecture her on how not to take antibiotics. I feel pretty good most of the time, but still have the trepidation of wondering if it is all going to turn out as I hope.

Holey moley, a positive pregnancy test!

I was at work today and decided to check a pregnancy test. I, of course, didn't have high hopes as there have been so many negative tests in the past. I dripped the urine in and watched as the fluid seeped across the test. Hard to see, this one has some crinkly plastic across the window. Hmmm...why is it making that extra line...EXTRA LINE?!? I gasped and carried the test carefully to the lab and showed my nurse. "DR KOG! YOU'RE PREGNANT!" she exclaimed. I was in shock and told her to keep it under wraps because I am very, very early in this crazy game. I called my dh as soon as I could shoo all the people interrupting me in my office and told him that this WAS NOT AN APRIL FOOL JOKE. (He said he would have really been fooled if I had and would have appreciated in a sick twisted dark humor kind of way). What's funny is that he took the crib apart yesterday for storage in the attic. So, #2, due in November, conceived likely on my 5th wedding anniversary...here we go...stick around and we'll have a ball!

Tired and bored with myself

I have been very whiny lately. Every day this past week seems to have been a chore and require a great deal of effort. The only times I am somewhat content are when wee one is snuggled up in my lap or asleep with me in the bed or telling me a story. Work was better yesterday due to the fact I had to set a broken bone. I didn't get much sleep last night due to the problems that come up sometimes with sharing a bed with a dh, a fat cat, and after 2am, wee one. I was sore all over and did luckily have a massage schedule today after work, so I had some therapeutic time. The next month will have some fun times and travel (change of scenery might help me feel content with my current life). A midlife crisis already at age 37? Or is it I am tired of being me? Everything is so distorted when I am tired like I am tonight. I think I will feel better in the morning after some zzzzzzs.

Confidence Killers

Parenting, while filled with some of the best feeling you feel in your life, is very difficult sometimes. It has been more difficult lately with these confidence killers for me.

1. Advice (ASSvise as I note many places on the internet spell it as!) from family members. "Oh, your child is clingy to you because you work and she doesn't get to be with you much"

2. Obstinate 2 year olds/ terrible twos. I have been at moments down on my knees praying for mercy/ sleep/ cessation of whining

3. Illness - the majority of family members sick OR body fluid spewing type of illness affecting wee one.

4. Babysitter flakiness/ illness - today I think a diaper I put on in the morning was still on when I came home from work

5. Developmental comparisons - you can make me shudder by saying 2 words to me, "TOILET TRAINING"

Lifestyles of the Slender

Weight is this major issue for many people in this country, especially for women who have had children. In my practice and in my life I have been asked for advice on how to lose weight. I am not sure I have much advice on how to actually lose the weight, but I have made many observations concerning those who stay normal weight and are healthy (slender is the word I used above in the title for this).

1. Eat only what you like, don't eat things you don't like. Now, if you like a lot of things this may be a problem, but I often find myself putting things in my mouth that don't really taste that good. It is more of an awareness of not to eat mindlessly.

2. Look at your family. If everyone is larger, you may have learned habits as well as genetic issues that affect your weight.

3. Unhealthy/ stressful relationships/ significant others. In one of my relationships, I ate what he ate and gained 10 lbs and gained more when we didn't get along well. In my healthier relationships, my weight remained stable.

4. Hormones. As many of us who have been through the ART gauntlet, our bodies are pushed this way and that by not only any diseases we have but also the hormones, medications, etc. Once my body settled down after a few years of stims and trigger shots, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and lifting baby arounds, I bloated and deflated and expanded and contracted to my current weight, which I am happy with.

5. Hunger. I like a bit of candy and dessert and have some everyday. A mini hershey's bar or an ice cream scoop will satisfy my tastes. One of my friends however, can't stop at just eating one piece or slice, he must eat the whole package/ pie/ etc. Is the hunger he has really for food or for something else?

6. Acceptance. Love who you are, all of you. You are not just your body. I once remarked after meeting a daughter of a acquaintance that her daughter reminded me of her. Her immediate reply was that "Oh, I wasn't fat like her then, I was skinny." I told her that's not what I meant! I was saying that her personality, mannerisms, and happy spirit reminded me of her. We all have our prejudices, but when we get to know people, you don't see their skin color or the extra 30 lbs, or the age difference. You see them, the real person. I saw the movie "Penelope" today and I loved the story of finding acceptance. It is a great movie for young girls and women especially.

Family advice

I have been quite miserable the past few days making myself miserable. My mom offered a lot of advice that I have turned into unconstructive criticism. Obviously I have some baggage with her and about my parenting. I have felt at moments like an utter failure, letting dh take over and myself crawling into bed. (I think I had some kind of stomach bug too or maybe it was those femara pills). I am more relaxed today and got some perspective on it from reading Ask Moxie (thank you God for the internet mother/sisterhood). As mine and my mother's lives are very different, because I do things differently, she may take it as criticism of her own parenting of me. That is so wild because I see her as a great, wonderful mom to me when I was a kid and I cannot even begin to do what she did without lots of help. She had no help from family or babysitters very much, and was with us at home most of the time except when she was earning her graduate degree in case something happened to my dad. I work outside the home, have Ils in town, a nanny, and am the primary earner in my household. We are different and I can only live my life.

Perhaps some of my reaction is my own insecurity about what I am doing. There are so many choices, ways to do things...I am still agonizing over combinations of preschool, nanny, etc.

What happened?

G-ma is visiting us this week and wee one has been alternating between sweet angel child and bratty, crying, tantrumy kid. Make us look like such great parents, huh!?! This week has been really, really hard...not hard like a sick kid hard, but hard like we have no idea what to do, end of our rope, tension headaches kind of hard. She cries dramatically (she can turn it off also), and refuses to listen to what we ask of her. Naps skipped, etc. Now interstingly, at school she has been really good. Our nanny is out with a bad back but is due to return Friday. Two days this week I flipped my schedule a bit to spend more time at home with her so G-ma wouldn't have that much to do. Perhaps all this is too much change for her.
Pray for us!