Keepin On, Girl

Wanna be like Mom

2011-05-16T18:41:00.001-07:00

I signed up for vacation bible school refreshments yesterday at the VBS meeting at our church. I feel proud to be following in my mother's footsteps as Queen of Refreshments at summer VBS. I was always her helper, feeding hungry little kids. I did one day last year too. So I was thinking, am I paying tribute to her, doing what our family does best (feeding people) or am I just trying to live up to her example? Part of this is I am thinking, ok, what have I gotten myself into? Things to know - this is a new church, and apparently with a very, very large turnout of kids each summer, I work outside the home at least 6-7 hours a day, and I still have a little one in diapers. I am nuts, huh? Well, maybe I am just used to being an overachiever or just busy.

Certainly, it is not the hardest job at this thing (Don't make me do a drama presentation, etc) and I have done similar before. I will have helpers and usually the kitchen is the favorite hangout of everyone else so it should be fun.

Old

2011-04-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

So, am I too old and too tired to even be attempting to go without birth control? I have IVF with #1 and then fertility drugs (femara) for #2 and years of no contraception while trying to have them. So, I had used again after #2, an IUD that made me so crazy I pulled it out and then pills that have caused me to have a menstrual cycle every 2-3 weeks. And now for the past 2 weeks, I have not used anything. For the last 3 years I have been very certain that I am done. For the past few weeks, I am not sure. I mean, yeah, I am old. 40, not 30, not 25, not even 38. I am tired. I have 2 kids under the age of 6. I work outside the home, about 30 hours a week. I have to have help - dh, nanny, family in town. And my nanny is getting near retirement age. So the obvious answer would be to talk to my gyn about doing some other method or doing a permanent type of no more babies. But it is that ambivelence, that crazy what about if I could even have another one. Or that is so unlikely I would get pregnant it's not worth the hassle to my body. My dh does know and he feels he is still young enough for more kids, sort of, hah!

Lazy Mom

2011-03-19T13:44:00.001-07:00

We've had a nice spring break in this part of the world. My dh and I took off to New York City for a few days and came back refreshed, renewed, and relaxed. The GP's came and minded the kids and it was so nice not to change a diaper for 4 whole days!!!

I am still feeling lazy as my parents are still here (until tomorrow)and there are extra hands in the house to help. Monday is coming up soon and it will be back to normal life. Part of me is happy about that and part of me wishes this time off to linger on.

Pink hair

2011-02-12T19:00:00.001-08:00

I was visiting a blog about food and linked to one named Tired Mom Diaries. I believe I found my Halloween twin. Here's me as my alter ego:

I miss blogging

2011-01-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

I am so happy that there is still some blogging going on here. Facebook has claimed most of my (limited) internet time now and it has been fun to catch up with old friends. It's easy to check in with my phone when I have a moment. But it doesn't allow for extended thoughts and the veil of anonymity that this medium allows for.

So I will be back trying to blog more. Last night I was reading through some of my posts in 2008 and relived the memories of that year. It felt good to do that and I laugh at some of the things I have written. The comments tab is new to me and I deleted the spam and was touched by all the comments that were given to me that year. Quake Shaken Momma, Dee, Day, Irish Girl, Galloping Cat, I've missed you all.

Blogging lives!

Be Grateful

2011-01-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

I was browsing thru a women's magazine today and came upon an article about gratitude. It was unique for me in that it suggested to write the problem thing you have down, cross it out and the write an item that is counter to that for which you are grateful. So, I will try that here now:

One employee at my work has a bad attitude.
~~One employee at my work has a bad attitude.~~

Everyone else I work with has a good or even great attitude.

Lou lou makes big messes and doesn't clean up after her craft projects.
~~Lou lou makes big messes and doesn't clean up after her craft projects.~~

Lou lou makes Valentines for me all year round.

OK, I'll do one more to make it a set of 3.

My dh doesn't cook and is clueless in the kitchen sometimes.
~~My dh doesn't cook and is clueless in the kitchen sometimes.~~

My dh washes the dishes and will gladly bring home take-out whenever I ask (or take me out when we can).

Dinner Table

2011-01-13T17:54:00.000-08:00

Girls sitting at dinner table eating happily and hungrily tonight. What's for dinner? Mommy's homemade macaroni and cheese? Her wonderful tortilla veggie soup? He exquisite poached chicken with onion mushroom sauce and steamed rice? No, No, and No. McDonald's Happy Meals and corn on the cob from Long John Silvers. Drive thru dinner as one parent is out at a meeting and the other is tired.

Scary day

2010-12-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Lala was eating lunch when suddenly it seemed like she fell asleep with her eyes open. I thought, well, she is tired from a busy morning and it is past her usual nap time. I changed her diaper and put her down in the crib and noted she was very calm, eyes wide and straight ahead. I picked her up when I notice she wasn't responding to me as usual. Her arms and legs started shaking and she looked pale and ashy. I had a cold, chilling feeling go thru me as I picked her up and started patting her and calling her name. I yelled for my other daughter to get the phone. Then she gagged and vomited up some mucous. She cried, looked like herself again and then snuggled into me. Shaking, I held her and my mom brain, barely functioning. My doctor brain turned on and I thought about that it sure did look like a seizure. Her breathing slowed to normal and she fell asleep.

My dh came home a few moments later and noted she was burning up. She took some water and when she was alert I gave her some tylenol. At that point, I was trying to figure out if she had choked or had had a seizure, one associated with fever. Should I take her to the ER or just watch how she does. I held her and was reassured by her calm, normal breathing. She woke up about 30 min. later and was normal acting, if a bit grumpy and needing to be held. Her fever was down and she drank milk hungrily.

I have treated and counseled many patients on the condition of febrile seizure and have seen it, but it is certainly different when it is my own child. I watched her like a hawk since and she had no temperature more than 99 and then all normal today since afternoon. I examined her ears and throat and lungs and all looked ok. I'll seen how she is in the morning and call the pediatrician if anything is awry.

Oh Church Where Art Thou?

2010-10-17T20:07:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, we started a journey of visiting churches as we decided to see what was going on in our community. It has certainly been an interesting experience and each place we have been to almost always has surprised us. Mostly it has been fun and encouraging to see how people in our town worship and the variety of ways in which they do it. We have seen large, fancy buildings and small humble ones, and a mix in between. Just in our local neighborhood there is a variety. We have seen a few friends here and there and my husband asked me today, where do our friends go to church? Sadly, that is not a common topic or thing discussed much. Some of our friends were at our old church and the rest of our friends are a fruit bowl of Christian denominations or don't go to church. I am not sure if we are going to pick one soon, we have no set deadline, but it would be good to find one place where we can start getting involved. That is, how can we give/ contribute to a place that is right for us. I think it has boiled down to where our kids are cared for while we worship, that the dogma of the church is acceptable, has some music, friendly folks, and that we can get there in a reasonable time on Sunday morning.

Hmmm...

2010-08-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

Was chatting with a mom I know about back to school stuff. She was upset as her child's class had been split up to form 2 new classes due to overcrowding and that her child was the only person of her ethnicity in the newly formed class. She was going to meet with the school officials today to discuss her concerns to have a more mixed/ balanced class and had contacted a local private school about openings.

Tonight I have some various thoughts about it including whether it is a issue of ethnicity, culture, or being a minority. Our city is basically half White, half Hispanic, and a teeny bit of other. I am an other, so through my elementary school career, I was the only one of my race in my classes too. Never thought too much about it except when kids were making fun of my funny eyes or asked if I spoke English.

Now the acquaintance is ethnically White, so it does pose some interesting questions. Certainly I can see the point of a parent being concerned about her kid being picked on, snubbed, or excluded. But the way kids(people) can be, you can be picked on for almost anything...

My dh doesn't get my concerns about this issue (he is white) or might just not have been in the mood to talk about it (screaming 5 year old in bathtub while we were trying to have a conversation). Our offspring are a mixed breed, so they are probably the only ones of their ethnic background in their class too. Maybe it is just kind of weird as our school district is manic about the balance of ethnic groups that kids are bussed around to get the right mix and to satisfy a lawsuit/ desegregation issues from many years past. I don't know.

Mother Love

2010-08-30T05:48:00.000-07:00

I have been reading the book Eat Pray Love again after seeing the recent movie and it has made me think about meditation. I used to do yoga classes regularly and enjoyed the movement part of it but didn't get much out of the meditation part of it due to my mind being too busy. But feeling a bit spiritually adrift/ radio silence lately, I decided to try a bit this morning. Just 5-10 minutes and not even enough time for some yoga before, but hey, I'm a mom on a busy morning schedule. So I am sitting in my room and trying to listen for God. This time I tried to be specific on what I wanted to know about. We are in the midst of exploring church congregations and I wanted some guidance about that. The word/ feeling I got was LOVE. Then my mind wandered over to my work schedule and if I should mess with it/ do less? And the answer I heard was USE YOUR GIFTS. Lastly, I asked for guidance about my family (my husband and my 2 kids specifically) and wow, I started to feel emotional, an overwhelming emotion of LOVE and DEVOTION. I wanted to hang on to the feeling, but it was fading as my furry kitty cat brushed across my leg and brought me back. So, maybe this was just a "popcorn" style meditation but I will keep trying to do this...less jabbering from me and more listening.

Rookie Moms

2010-08-16T05:50:00.001-07:00

I read a funny article last night about "rookie moms," you know those who stress about the minutae and blog about all the details of their little ones lives. Yeah, that's me I am talking about. But, as the article goes along, it says those rookies will turn into veterans and become jaded and tired and occasionally wanting to run away. I think I am in that transition period now, or at least I was this weekend. Bad enough to have me googling "mom burnout" last night at 9pm, looking for any nonstop flights out of my town on southwest, and finding this article. I certainly became sorry for myself...crabbily report to my dh...no one appreciates me!!! I didn't get to do any fun things this weekend!!! Wah, wah, wah...kind of annoying huh?! Weekends had been some good and some bad. I, of course, do a lot of it to myself. Cooking, cleaning, etc...but it has to be done sometimes.

I did learn an interesting tidbit based on this weekend's misadventures. Loulou got mad at me and told me I could not do things for her any more...like bringing chocolate milk on demand while she is watching tv. That only daddy could. Well...that's actually a good thing maybe. She doesn't seem that mad at me this morning!!! An article linked to the one above noted that previous generations of children were the staff of the family and today's generation of children were the bosses. I am not sure I like either comparison. I think we should be adults and kids and everyone pitch in whenever they can.

So here is a rookie-turning veteran mom, pondering over the minutae and generalities of my life as a mom.

Dancing away

2010-05-23T19:51:00.001-07:00

Today was Loulou's dance recital. The one I have been not looking forward to since I signed her up for classes a year ago. I had her take dance to have a fun activity to do and her best friend also signed up too. She has enjoyed classes all year, only missing one due to dental work. I have found kinship in the group of moms that wait patiently in the lobby while the class is going on. I have been a terribly anxious wreck this week. I thought it might be some issues I had as a young dancer/ teen in dance, but perhaps that was only some of it. We sailed thru rehearsals, techincal, dress, and today, Loulou shed a few tears and said she didn't want to do it because of her itchy costume (has complained several times about this in past and we tried to cut all the itchy things out/ trimmed sequins, etc). She asked to go home. I wanted to and didn't want to take her away. She was the leader in the lineup coming out and knew the dance well.

Finally, I had to leave with all the moms and with my heart pounding sat down to wait and watch. The music for her number started and she came out. She was wonderful. I met her back at the dressing room and with itchy costume off, she was my happy Lou lou again. Maybe it was all the people there and all the primping, and maybe it was just the itchy sleeves on the costume. I am sure glad it's over. As far as future dance lessons...hmmm...my mom put it in perspective that if she enjoyed the classes, the recital was only once a year. Once a year to add some more grey hairs to my head!

Heard them all...

2010-04-19T17:07:00.001-07:00

Some things aren't meant to be.
It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.

I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill—

A friend of mine got pregnant when she stopped
Working so hard.
Why don't you two adopt?
You'll have one of your own then, like my niece.

At work I heard about this herb from Greece—

My sister swears by doing quai. Want to try it?

Forget the high-tech stuff. Just change your diet.

It's true! Too much caffeine can make you sterile.

Yoga is good for that. My cousin Carol—

They have these ceremonies in Peru—

You mind my asking, is it him or you?

Have you tried acupuncture? Meditation?

It's in your head. Relax! Take a vacation
And have some fun. You think too much. Stop trying.

Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying?

"Useful Advice" by Catherine Tufariello, from Keeping My Name. © Texas Tech University Press, 2004.

Link to buy this book http://www.ttup.ttu.edu/BookPages%5C0896725758.html

Change and no change

2010-04-05T19:15:00.001-07:00

One of my co workers announced today that he was leaving in 1 month due to a spouse job transfer. I knew this was coming eventually, but am sad to see him go. He is a positive part of work and definitely mature beyond his young years. I was actually a bit jealous in a weird way that he got the chance to move closer to a bigger, more metropolitan city and closer to family. Sometimes I think I will live here and work in this place forever, which wouldn't be that bad actually. But then again, who knows where life will take me. 10 years ago, I was in a different time in my life, different circumstances! With the kids, it is important to be stable and have family close by, which we do, but wish my side of the family wasn't an 8 hour drive away. Once my kids get older, it will be easier to fly/ travel. I am fortunate that my folks are retired and can come out to see us easily.

Back to work, there have been some changes that could be quite stressful, but overall, it is better than the job I had 10 years ago, even 5 years ago. I just have to have faith that it will work out in the end. It always does, looking back into the past, it always does.

As far as living here forever, it could happen as my spouse and I currently have very stable, nice jobs and are way, way, way more fortunate than a lot of folks. If I had to move right now, like move to a new city, I think I would be just freaking out. The last time we moved houses, I said, "that was so exhausting, I don't ever want to do that again for a long time." We only moved 3 blocks away...ha,ha,ha and I hired the movers to pack my kitchen...ha,ha,ha...I don't know how good I have it huh?!

Lady Style

2010-03-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

My youngest, Lady Lala seems to be the inspiration for the fashion style of the pop star, Lady Gaga:

Kitchen Chinese

2010-03-06T18:48:00.001-08:00

My current favorite book: Kitchen Chinese by Ann Mah. Love it...chick lit, food, international travel (Beijing), family roots, romance, friendship, etc.

A test for Kindergarten?!

2010-03-01T19:19:00.000-08:00

Submitted online application for academic magnet school in our public school system today and will sign up for testing to see if Lou Lou can get into the kindergarten there. Supposed to be the best school (state awards) and dh went to the open house and thought it would be a great place to be. Far cry from when I was going to school and my parents moved to a decent neighborhood with a decent school which I could walk to. The good thing is that is it very close to where I work. And we figure most of the parents there will give a (*2% about their kids since it takes an application to get in. The neighborhood school isn't bad either, but it is just about the same distance to drive as this one. Ethnic profiling is apparently part of the application too. Confusing since my kids are "other" but friends say it will help. Desegregation is really a strange thing...I can see the benefits for some, but mostly it involves busing kids all over the city to get the right "mix" in each school.

Running out of rope

2010-02-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

End of the day and mommy is kind of crabby. I was doing very well until Lou lou patted the cat and scared him up from my lap, claws digging into my thighs. Lately I've been pretty moody from being tired and feeling put upon. It is my own fault most of the time. I just wear myself out and then lose it. It doesn't help that dh is more laid back and likes to have fun with his hobbies (hey -that's cool, but I'd like to have some fun too) while I am tending to the kids. He does help out a lot so I really can't complain too much (esp right now as he is begging one small child to go to bed).

Everything is a challenge sometimes and I really need to learn to prioritize and let go of some of the things. For example when I have things that need to be done, I try to do it all in one day or a certain period of time. When actually some of those things could wait 24, 48, or even more hours. It doesn't have to be RIGHT NOW!!!

Another thing I could improve upon is not second guess or guilting myself. Tonight I didn't really feel like cooking dinner. I was tired, didn't have much in the kitchen, and just wasn't too motivated because last 2 night's meals haven't been that delicious to me. BUT (the big BUT), I have been trying to eat and feed my family more home cooked meals because it is healthier (dh has a sensitive stomach ---colonscopy and upper endoscopy last year and he is only 37), and it is cheaper, and I had time to do it. So I cooked. The good thing was that the meal was delicious and my family and I enjoyed it. However, it did take some of my energy away that I could have probably used later. I often ask DH for help, but I wish I didn't have to ask so much sometimes. He offers sometimes, but I feel like I need it offered more. Oh, the conundrums of marriage. I know I need to communicate this to him, but how to do it without being a B-tch or sounding patronizing?

So, I get to the end of my rope and keep hoping it will be better. At the beginning of the year I was more laid back and kept telling myself and others that no situation is permanent. I know that when the kids are older some of the work may get better, but I know mentally it may get harder. Dh and I are older parents (late, late 30s) and our bodies and energy may not get much better either. Oh well...I am getting out of town later in the week so a change of scenery may help (no kids, just dh and I!)

Brushing teeth, revisited

2010-01-31T19:02:00.000-08:00

I have achieved teeth brushing in 4 year olds at our house for 3 consecutive nights. Oh, wise mother, I did I do it? Quite by accident...I was in the usual state of cajoling, pleading, griping, begging, and then I glanced at her school papers on the desk which she was so proud to have shown me earlier, with a CHECK PLUS PLUS on them. I said, ok, if you brush your teeth, I'll give you a CHECK PLUS PLUS. I had no idea how I would do that exactly, but after she brushed and rinse, she went over to her box of markers and took one out to draw a CHECK PLUS PLUS on her hand. She was happy, I was happy.

Hmmm...wow...that's all it took.

Bedtime Issues, revisited

2010-01-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

Loulou has decided to be very contrary when it comes to bedtime the past 2 weeks. It has become a great source of tension in the house on some nights. We really try to start around 7:30pm (after dinner) beginning with a bath or shower, quiet playtime, teeth brushing, story, a few songs with a goal of lights out by 9pm. It has become a battle and most nights we don't get to the goal until 10:30-11pm. She has been fighting the teeth brushing which is hard because a recent trip to the dentist revealed extensive cavities that will require treatment in a few weeks. We have taken away milk in bed (we didn't start it in the 1st place...was started by well meaning grandparents and we got lazy) or only milk if supervised teeth brush occurs.

I cannot really pinpoint anything that might be weird in her life now. The week was a little weird as she was sick and missed some school. Perhaps it is just the preschool limit pushing thing. Her little sis Lala has no choice...she can't get out of her crib! She is in bed by 7:30-8 everynight without too much fuss.

We're going to try getting her up earlier in the morning. It has been hard for me, however as I have been on several medications that makes me awake at night and groggy by morning (need to adjust timing on those meds, but will soon be off of it once I am better...bad,bad skin eczema). Dh is going to try on weekday mornings to get her up when he does. She has in the past had periods like this but it has been a while so this is hard on us. I know...this too shall pass...

Floating thru January

2010-01-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

2 weeks into the new year and I have already fallen off my healthy eating resolution. It would have probably helped to not have small bags of chips in the pantry also. Love the salty, crunchy snacks that leave orange stuff on my hands. I was exercising, but the past week I broke out on my legs and now my arms an itchy, ugly rash. I am prone to allergic skin reactions so I will suffer thru (high and drowsy on antihistamines) until this gets out of my system.

Lala fell asleep in her high chair tonight at 5:45pm (usual bedtime is 7:30-8) and I am wondering (hoping) she'll keep sleeping until morning. She has either a bit of a stomach bug or its teething. Blame it all on teething. I am feeling a bit poorly today too...just a feeling like I am about to get sick.

Yesterday my horoscope said (I never read it, but happened to glance at it while enjoying my comics), that I should consider staying home and changing my career. Wow, I thought, maybe I should really reevaluate my choice to work outside the home. 2 hours later, after cleaning up 2 bouts of vomiting while cooking spaghetti at the same time from/ for small children, I knew my place was not full time at home...ha,ha,ha. We were out for a walk in the stroller and nearing home, Loulou skipped around to the front of the stroller and exclaimed, "Lala spit up!" Not just spit up, but pools of curdled milk everywhere. Oh gosh, what if someone had seen us...mom oblivious to the fact that her baby threw up somewhere on the walk outside. There is a reason I pay my babysitter well.

Dh and I had a fight about what we paid a babysitter (occasional) the other night. I am not sure if it was really about that or about me being defensive about the decisions I make about our household budget. He thought we paid her too much for 3 hours (probably so, but I only had a $50 bill in my wallet). In the past we have given her 10-15 dollars an hour because she is an adult (over 30) and also cleans the house (she's our regular housekeeper once a week). I mean the house is sparkling clean when we get home....no toys, no goo, etc and the children are fed, bathed, and a load of wash is done many times. For a teen I probably would pay less for various reasons. Anyway, we made up and came up with an agreement about how we would handle the amounts. Strangely it felt good to fight...we almost never do, just glower in resentment. I actually told him how he made me feel....to the tune of "you just ruined my pleasant evening." It was kind of sexy to spar with him.

New year 2010!

2010-01-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

Well, it's time to make some resolutions again. I think I am always making some but never hurts to sit down a make a list.

1. Have more loving Sunday mornings (see last post to see why)
2. Have 1 carb free day (low carb!?) once a week
3. Have 1 meat free day once a week
4. Pack a lunch for husband 2 days a week (to encourage healthier eating)
5. Be thankful for my warm kitchen and abundant food.
6. Be conscious of my time with my family...be more present
7. Make to keep track of Loulou's dental hygiene (we have at least 2 visible cavities at the moment...dental appt in 1.5 weeks)

I think that's enough for now!

Sunday Stress

2009-12-20T20:00:00.000-08:00

Every Sunday morning at our house, it is the same scene. 2 parents are frantically running around trying to get children dressed, fed, getting themselves dressed fed and in the car to get to church for which Sunday school starts at 9am. Usually, by the time I get in the car, I am feeling very un-Christian, esp towards my dh who likes on occasion to sleep late. We have been getting there later and later...that this morning I asked out loud "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? WHAT'S the POINT!?!"

Fortunately, God did not strike me down and I am still here. Dh and I talked later and made up (this happens often too) but we really have to figure out what we are doing because we really do enjoy going to our class (great discussions) and hate missing out on half or more of the class most of the time. Our daughters enjoy their classes and the other kids. We like our friends there.

The solution would be for everyone to get up earlier and set an alarm clock. It's not like we party on Saturdays (I was in bed by 10:30 am last night and dh has been sober on Sat nights). Lou lou wakes up by 7:30 each morning and comes to rouse us. I supposed we could ask our church to start later or change churches (difficult as this is the one my inlaws attend and dh has since he was born). I think it that little part in both dh and I that are being rebellious that we have to be somewhere 5 days a week early in the morning OR it just may be that we are not very good at having a 1 year old and a 4 year old ready and in the car in a certain amount of time. I think that latter may be the most true.

Support Group

2009-12-17T19:37:00.000-08:00

For the past month I have been regularly attending Al-anon meetings to help me deal with my spouse's problems with alcohol. It was very scary to walk into the 1st meeting, but now I am more calm about it now. I really actually needed to go about 5 years ago but hey, better late than never. I am not sure what I expected exactly...hugging, crying ,etc., but actually it's more humor, uplift, and deep insights. I know 2 of the meetings I actively felt the presence of God with me. Pretty wild, huh. I still don't know much and don't even know all the words of the serenity prayer, but it helps.

multiple thoughts

2009-12-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

(format blatantly stolen from QSM blog)

(A)Much less crazy b*tch behavior since removing plastic device from my uterus (that thing had freaking long strings). Sex drive is back. However, sleeping high on cough medication brings about some weird-a*s dreams. Such as that I am paralyzed and the physical therapist working on me is taking advantage of the situation and groping my breasts. Dh says he might have been sleep-groping.

(B)Recovering from bad head cold/ sinus infection, finally started antibiotics today (hate taking them...usually make me nauseated, but so far ok)

(C)Daydreaming about Lou Lou starting kindergarten (PUBLIC SCHOOL!) next year and all that entails. I can't believe my little one is so old now.... 4 1/2!!!

(D)Drifting lazily through Christmas season thanks to internet shopping and the inlaws thanksmas already being over. Still have work party to do next week and somehow find a babysitter.

(E)It has been so cold here, I can't stand it. At least when I go grocery shopping, I don't have to rush home because my trunk is colder than the frig.

(F) Lala has one year old doctor's appt tomorrow to be innoculated and examined. Oh, well, at least this is the last check up for a while in her babyhood. Poor little thing doesn't know what's coming.

What did I do now?!

2009-11-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

Got ice cream out to put counter. Went to bathroom. Pulled my IUD out. Oh...what have I done? Went back out to eat ice cream. Now googling for what other people felt like once it was out. Well, I have been a total B87ch the past few months and just achy and moody on and off. I have had trouble with progestin hormones in the past (depo provera made me weird too) so I made the (crazy) decision to remove it.

I was pretty sure I didn't want any more babies (and still feel pretty much the same) but every once in a while get this twinge to have another. I blame it on the baby boy doll someone left on the counter in the kitchen by the formula mix. I do have some birth control pills that I plan to start while I contemplate all this. I didn't ever get pregnant without using Reproductive Technologies so the question is should I just go au natural or is that just crazy?

The Stuffing

2009-11-24T18:39:00.000-08:00

Made a batch of my mother in law's family dressing recipe (handed down to her by a sister in law) today to bring to work lunch tomorrow. Seems like we would have a non-Turkey day type of food before T-day but hey, I love Turkey and all the trimmings so no complaints here. Per Alton Bro@n, in Victorian times, stuffing was considered a vulgar word so the term dressing was used. Huh! I am lucky in that I have not had to cook much for Thanksgiving in many years due to the abundance of talented home/ professional chefs on both sides our families.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

That little baby prevention device

2009-11-20T06:46:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking and rethinking my IUD for the past year. Blaming infections, moodiness, malaise, weight gain, lack of world peace, etc. on the little thing. I am pretty sure we are not having any more children, but it is still weird to be thinking I need birth control after using ART for conception. One of my good friends actually had hers perforate thru her uterus (mine is still in the right place) and had to get it surgically removed so I am still pondering whether I need the thing or not. My RE approved it because she says it will help slow down the progress of my PCOS disease. I will ponder on...

Dora Echocardiogram

2009-11-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

Lou lou has had a heart murmur present at all of her checkups with the doctor so today we went to see the cardiologist to see if there was anything to really worry about. Lou lou was very patient with the whole ordeal and got her EKG done (lots of stickers, mom!) and watched Dora (at a pretty loud volume I might add) while the doctor did the echocardiogram. Poor guy, I was thinking as I sat watching...he has to listen to various Dora, Hannah Montana, Cars, etc. while doing important medical work and counseling worried parents. Everything turned out fine and we are dealing with an "innocent murmur." We don't have to go back and we can resume normal life.

Whatever that is!? LL asked me if she was sick. I told her, no, sometimes we go to the doctor to get checkups to make sure we are ok. Now, I didn't explain to her that it was unusual for a 4 year old to see a cardiologist, but that can wait for later. Strangely enough, one of her best friends had to wear a cardiac monitor for a few days last month to see if she had a heart rhythm problem. Perhaps it is just that both happen to be preemies and have ever worried parents. I actually have been very laid back about her health until this heart check up because she has done very well so far other than being skinnier than most of her peers.

Apologies to readers about my lack of posts lately. I have been spending my internet time learning about the wonders of Facebook and all the fun games. I do really need to blog some as my head has been muddled lately. Lots of changes (minor, but it all adds up) seem to be coming or else my mind is just foggy from all the things I have to keep up with!

Tree of Life

2009-09-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

From the Upper Room Ministries, 9/13/9

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
-Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)

AS I sat in the obstetrician's office, I felt heartbroken. For the second time, my husband and I had lost a baby through miscarriage. Our hope of starting a family was deferred again. Less than a year later, I was overjoyed when God fulfilled my longing and gave us a son.

While reading 1 Samuel 1, I identified with Hannah's desire to have children. Pouring out her heart to the Lord, she prayed for years that God would bless her with a son. She eventually conceived and gave birth to a son, Samuel. "I prayed for this child," she said, "and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord" (1 Sam. 1:27-28).

Hannah's story reminds me that my child is a gift that I should continually surrender to the Lord. It would have been easy for Hannah to keep Samuel to herself after years of hoping for a child. But she offered him back, in thanksgiving and praise, to serve the Lord.

Indeed, all of our fulfilled hopes are gifts from God and reminders that all we have comes from and belongs to the Lord. Our proper response to God is gratitude and surrender.

Kelley Brown (Alabama, USA)

Bloglect

2009-08-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been neglecting my blog lately...just been lazy and not jotting my thoughts down I think. Or else, my brain is getting confused from all the extra sleep I am getting (only 0-1 night waking from baby in the last 2 weeks!!) I had a free hour the other day and I didn't know what to do with myself...I drove around a bit aimlessly and then somehow I ended up at a dance studio and signed up Lou lou for ballet/tap combo. I think I am even more excited that her to start dance class now. I loved, loved, loved it as a child. The black leotards, the wood floors, my pretty teachers, the music, how lovely I felt when practicing or dancing...like a real girly girl, not a funny looking chinese kid with too short hair and a fat nose. They even get to wear lovely tutu like skirts in class now. Hope she enjoys it!

Honeydew is growing so much...just sweet as ever and ambitious. She keeps bonking her poor honeydew head and cries, and then gets up to try to do it again. She pulls up and just cruises around the house. I fell asleep by accident yesterday in LL's room and somehow she and HD managed to stay out of any terrible danger while Mommy snoozed for 1/2 hour.

girls, girls, girls

2009-07-27T20:14:00.001-07:00

My, these girls have grown!

Away we go

2009-07-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

Off to the airport shortly for a brief vacay in Sin City. Not really my favorite place but it is easy to get to and tonight I will be living a teenage dream of seeing Simon LeBon in person and the rest of the duran duran gang. I haven't located my little button collection from the 80s (I even had a DD folder for my English homework in the 7th grade.) Dh will have the pleasure of seeing Kris Angel perform on Saturday. I am excited! Kids will be at home with family and nanny alternating care...will miss them, but we really need to get away for a bit, even just 48 hours will be good.

Danger danger, tired mom

2009-06-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

Still hacking up bits of cloudy phlegm and hoping July will be a healthier month for me. I made it through hosting 2 birthday parties and houseguests and finally my body call it quits on Sunday. I holed up at a friend's QUIET guestroom on Monday to rest, recover and answer text messages from work. OBTW, Julie/ Julia is a great book...

So in my delirious, fever/ chills state, I finally realized...hey, I can't do this any more. I have been having several fleeting and obvious thought intrusions about this. My life is not working very well, I am not sleeping very much (still 2-3 feedings between 10pm and 7am), and I am starting to not like taking care of/ being around my kids/ dh/ cats/ job/ friends/ etc. I even thought about going to therapy, but I didn't have time in my schedule.

So I sucked it up and called my boss and asked for some schedule changes for work. He said he wasn't surprised and told me to just do what I need to do right now. I am also learning how to delegate more at home (thanks Mom for the advice, sorry I was so defensive and snarky when you mentioned it to me). I actually let the babysitter go to pick up Lou Lou while I drifted off to sleep for a bit of a nap with HD.

So, now I have scheduled in some me time, some exercise time, some more time to get what I need to do in my life. I supposed it's hard because of that fact I spent from age 6 to age 35 devoted obsessively to school/ work and a lot of my self worth seems to be wrapped up in that. I really need to get over myself and grow up.

Come Undone

2009-06-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

HD blasted into a case of roseola this past weekend, her poor little body burning with fever. My cold morphed into a heinous sinus infection and all were miserable for about 48 hours. Then miraculously, in the middle of one of the funniest/ most true movies, "Mean Girls", we all felt better. It's so yucky when kids are sick and when mom is too. Everything seems so much harder, so hopeless and helpless. More so for me because I am a healthcare professional, licensed to practice medicine!

I was a in bit of a depression yesterday while hacking up phlegm and peeing in my pants at the same time...what have I gotten myself into? What was I thinking, trying to be a grown up and having kids, a demanding job, etc. Then today , feeling better and having read a little bit of a book about the saga of the crazy good band, Guns and Roses, I decided to get over it and resume my life...yes...I have to delagate and let people help me more (I feel like I already have, and don't want to take advantage of anyone.) I got some helpful advice to take a nap everyday...that sounds like the advice I try to give to Lou Lou. That would be great except, I don't like napping in the day because it makes me groggy for the rest of it and I can't sleep at night when I do that.

I think I would just like a little time each day to recharge (1 hour) where NO ONE needs anything from me. That is really what I need to find the time for. This week as I recover from my illness, has been great because grandparents have taken LL to vacation bible school each night and the HD has slept by 7:45....quiet time for mommy and daddy!

My list

2009-06-08T20:10:00.001-07:00

Inspired by the Work It blog's to do list by Maria. Here's mine

Wake up coughing junk...still getting over cold
HD crying...roll to side, lift shirt and wait for the nipple clamp...hoping for no teeth
Doze off and wake to dh's alarm clock
Loulou jumps into bed, drinking a sippy cup of milk from unknown time
Get up
Change baby and put her in bathroom with me while I get ready
Wander to kitchen and make a cup of tea
Get dressed and put concealer on dark circles under eyes

Ask Loulou if she wants anything besides popcorn (popped by dh before he left for work) for breakfast
Put baby in exersaucer in kitchen
Make lunches
Eat breakfast
Talk to nanny about HD as she arrives

Find clothes for LL and get just a top on her...no pants
Check email
Finish dressing LL
Cough and pee into my underwear
Change underwear
Leave house with LL and lunches, backpacks, purse, etc.
Drive her to school and drop her off
Arrive at work and meet new student shadowing me

See patients
Call colleague at hospital
Nuke and Eat lunch
Call colleague at the other clinic
See more patients

Go pick up LL at school
stop at grocery store
Buy many extraneous items not on list including pink pool noodle and a bag of brach's candy (LL discovered it...I didn't know those candy things still existed!)
Head home
Unpack groceries
Talk to nanny as she is leaving
Eat snack and open snack items for LL
Watch her eat in succession...2 candies, 1 push up, 1 yogurt, 1/2 glass milk
Talk to mom
Go wipe LL's bottom and comment on her GREEN colored poo (yesterday's blue popsicle?)
Prep for dinner
Help LL with swimsuit and fill kiddie pool outside
Get HD and nurse her as DH comes home and send him outside to the kiddie pool
Fix dinner
Eat
Clean up
Play roll around with HD
Sort toys and clean up playroom a bit
Watch 1 episode of House Hunters
Change HD, nurse her, and put her to bed
Take big giant bath with LL
Read comics to LL and color a bit
Make cup of tea
Log onto blog
Blogging

WHEW!

Escape pod

2009-06-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

Rare moment of quiet in the house...HD is napping and Loulou is in her room coloring (I think), and DH is watching TV. We've been all getting on each other's nerves all day. Oh, well, sometimes it's like that. Good thing we have a roomy house. Dh and I are about to take off with some friends (no kids) to a minor league baseball game. I am planning on eating some high calorie baseball park snack. I am not sure which one yet. Auntie is coming to babysit...oh yeah!

Skimmed thru my Pe*ple magazine last night to catch up on the latest on the J*n and Kat* saga. I don't watch the show (watched it once and it stressed me out), but it sounds like fame and fortune and too many kids got to them. Sad...hope they pull through. I was telling my pal at work the other day, I don't watch TV much but I prefer to watch show that have no relation to my life...such as Make me a Sup*ermod*l. Yay Brandon won!

I LUV my DH

2009-06-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

I took a night off last night from my family. I crept out to the (air-conditioned) exercise room off our garage and slept there, blissfully, for 6 hours and 30 minutes in a row with only a brief 3-4 minute awakening to realize I was alone in very quiet room. I have not slept continuously that long for the last 3 months (had one night out of town in Feb). Dh kindly did the night time duties for both girls with nary a complaint or loss of spring in his step. I love this man.

Happy where I am at

2009-05-23T19:11:00.000-07:00

Dh and I dressed up today and went to a wedding. Not really close friends, but in the social/ professional circle of our family/community. I haven't been to a wedding in a while, but what I felt was not only happiness for the couple (in their late 20s) but also relief that this part of my life was over. I looked around at the younger women prancing around in their finery (short dresses in bright colors with high heels or short black dresses with colorful heels) and was glad I wasn't in that stage of my life...single, self conscious about my looks and wondering when my life would be starting/ settling down/ finding the "right" guy. I sipped my drink, in my long dress (polka dots on chiffon...actually recycled from a few years ago) and comfy-heeled, yet still this season's sandals), with dh by my side, knowing he was going to want to leave early too so we could pick up a few groceries on the way home before returning to the kiddos. Yup...in spite of returning to crying, teething baby and a super-tired cranky 3 year old and the house in shambles (fun times with the baby sitting relative)... this is where I want to be. Happy, content, and grateful....smiling at my 3 year old who was prancing around wearing one of my short colorful dresses (floor-length on her...I deemed too short for me to wear to a wedding).

Spawn of mine

2009-05-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently Lou Lou and I are very similar in that we have to have a big tantrum and then everything after that is peachy keen. She and Honeydew (though a baby really can't help much what she does esp when she is sprouting her 1st tooth) drove me to the brink of insanity on Tuesday. I was being pissed off at dh too and ended up spanking (1 swat on Monday actually too) 1 swat on a small 3.5 year old's behind. I agonized over it and felt horrible. I put myself in timeout. The rest of the week I have been fine. Nothing has bothered me. Lou Lou also went nuts Tuesday and then has been quite a nice kid since then. Someone told me some planet is aligned with something else and we are all going to have trouble communicating this week. Indeed.

Love and an IUD

2009-05-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

I have been blaming my mirena IUD lately for my moodiness, weight, etc. I am probably misplacing my blame but perhaps it is just the knowledge that that little piece of plastic eluting hormones in my body is keeping me from getting pregnant. I know that I will not be having more kids, but it still feels weird to be doing something to prevent pregnancy. When people ask me if I will be having more kids, my "NO" comes out so fast everyone comments on it. Maybe it isn't even the fertility thing. Some part of me thinks I need to be "natural" and not have devices/ hormones, etc. in my body. That's extra funny considering I was on birth control pills from age 16 to age 31.

Sex, an enjoyable activity, when we can find a rare moment of kid-free/ aloneness, is now, just for sex. Creating life is no longer part of the agenda. Maybe I am just a weirdo. Maybe I am just feeling amazing fortunate to be blessed with 2 healthy girls that I should just be grateful.

Mom, where are you taking me today?

2009-05-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

My restless Loulou asks me this question each day. Lately I have been feeling guilty because 3 days a week (no school, not a weekend), she stays with the babysitter at home (mostly). So this morning we head out for the mother's day luncheon and she does pretty well until we see the decorative candy by the nametags. From that point it was mostly whining for the candy (which was being used for a door prize) and we left early. I was being nice and was going to stop at the convenience store for gas and candy. So, I drive along and 10 minutes later she's asleep. I did stop for gas and was thinking about getting candy when a loud car pulled up playing the latest most obscene gansta rap I've heard in a while. So, now it is time to go. Maybe that's we stay home mostly.

Barf o rama

2009-05-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hit hard with a terrible case of food poisoning/ stomach virus yesterday and am recovering today. Blech...it was awful. I was so sick I didn't even want to watch TV (!). I actually had to miss a day of work (I cannot remember that last time I took a day off for illness, other than my mat. leave).

Babies are ok so far...and I hope to keep it that way. Honeydew still nursed and somehow in my dehydrated state there was still milk. Well, I'm going to go eat some saltines now.

Telemarketing

2009-04-29T21:56:00.001-07:00

Got home and there was an answering machine message from Talbots the ladies clothing store. It was reminding me to shop the sale that was going on. WTF? Their reputation of being a snobby older ladies clothing store is apparently gone...that unless, now I am in the demographic of a snobby older lady. (I must admit I did shop there in the early part of the year armed with 2 gift cards from Christmas and birthday).

Ball of stress

2009-04-26T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have been a stressed out mommy lately. Nothing major, but I am having a major flare of eczema of my left boob (had a biopsy there 2 weeks ago...just nipple dermatitis), bouts of irritability (my dh might call it something else!), aches and pains in my neck and head, and this week I had a bad cold/ sinusitis.

Now granted, the honey moon period of going back to work as ended, I am still getting up 1-2 times at night to feed/ awakening at 5-6 am and not really sleeping after that, have had dh out of town and parents here last week...just life stuff. The honeydew has slept thru the night a few times (last night being one of them...yay!).

I know what I need to do to reduce my stress...exercise...but I can't seem to find the right moment to do it yet. From the time I get up on the weekdays, it's like a running race with a few hurdles and few water breaks. Dh really helps out in the evenings, and I have gone walking in the neighborhood a few times. But the unpredictablity of Loulou a 3, almost 4 year old can kink the schedule. Often I am so tired, or just nursing the baby so I don't do anything. The weekends are kind of the same. Waking, cooking, cleaning, feeding, resting, and then back to the same. I even have help, so it's not as bad as it could be. I think I am just in an adjustment period. One of my best stress reducers actually is just hanging out with my dh and shooting the bull. We try, but often we are interrupted by small children crying or asking questions.

We were this morning given a few moments of just time to ourselves at church. Honeydew was asleep in the nursery with grandma and Loulou was sitting with her friends in front of us. Thanks God.

My own economic stimulus

2009-04-24T06:03:00.000-07:00

Well, my computer had a blow-out and it just got back from the computer hospital. Thankfully, fixed and files restored. Lesson learned...back-up, back-up, back-up. Wrote the check and am kicking myself for spending so much in the past as I gaze at my dwindling account. Let's hope next month's paycheck is a little better than last's (I get paid according to how much I work/ collect). Then the sprinkler system had an leak, then another, then another, and because we are feeling green and hot, we are adding some trees to our yard. Cha-ching. At least that is helping the environment.

I wandered into the open house across the street the other day and saw the price of the house and realized we could not afford to buy in this neighborhood any more! So we are staying put and actually, I am enjoy my house as we live in it longer. We certainly could use another bedroom (we have 3), but we'll make do as everyone ends up in the same room anyway for baths and some bedtimes. We should have just build a 1 bedroom with a kitchen and 1 giant TV room house. I was watching a show on TV about community/ commune houses. Kind of a interesting option for singles/ retirees/ small families.

Lost my computer privileges

2009-04-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

Loulou has reached the developmental milestone of clicking onto the internet and typing either "Peep," "Dora" or "Elmo" into google and spending time making my mouse and keyboard sticky. I have rarely been able to use my own computer in the past few weeks. I know I am not supposed to leave my children unsupervised in a room with internet, but I do so I can get some dishes washed or read People magazine in peace for few moments.

I was explaining to someone the other day that mothering 2 kids and returning to work now felt like running a marathon with a few sprints in between (work). At least I have my dh in the evenings to share in the fun.

Today I spent the afternoon doing one of the things I hate/ love to do in my life. Buy a car. Yuck. I have been putting it off but our nanny has a small truck and I can't have any kid of mine riding in the front seat. So I am going to have her use my car and I get the new one (whoo hoo!). So now I have spent all our money and committed more to the future. So for now, I continue to work and try to build up some savings again and bring dinner leftovers for lunch (not too bad actually...hot meal in the microwave!).

Le Bebe

2009-03-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

Honeydew is snoring peacefully in her crib. Her poor boogery nose is either another cold or some allergies...neither would be surprising due to exposure to both big sis's and my recent colds and our strong family history (both sides) of allergies. She is really growing and gaining new skills. We took her out someplace besides church or grandma's house and she really was soaking it all up. It's a big wide world out there, kid. I have been folding up nice clothes that she has quickly, quickly outgrown.

She has made it to 2 Sundays of baby Bible school (known as cradle roll at our church) and is somwhow always hungry (wanting to nurse) during the service. Thankfully the church nursery actually has a quiet, private area in the back with rocking chair and crib nearby (my idea...great to set baby on while adjusting clothes back into place. There was an abundance of cribs in the main room...we 2009 moms don't really put our babies in cribs much. They are mainly used as changing areas).

She is in the cute cuddly baby phase. I am enjoying it so much (other that the nursing every hour from 3 am to 6 am that has happened the last 2 nights). Perhaps it is only because I know that this is it for me. My MIL who loves to hold babies is enamoured with this one who loves to be held.

Foodie

2009-03-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

I was recommending a restaurant to my sister who is traveling next week to Kansas City and it made me think about all the great food experiences I have had in my travels. So what better place to record for posterity than in my blog?! I have traveled to many cities and can't even remember all the names of the restaurants, but here are some of the most memorable.

In no particular order:

1. Savoy Grill, Kansas City, MO

Get the broiled seafood casserole. This place is old school and there are REAL waiters.

2. Mona Lisa, San Francisco, CA

After getting lost in the city and being cold, tired and hungry, stumbling into Little Italy was like walking thru the gates of heaven. This restaurant provided my 1st food orgasm with its fresh mozzarella, basil and tomato appetizer.

3. Chinatown, Los Angeles, CA

I don't remember the name of the restaurant, but in 1984, I had my 1st soup dumpling and was completely fascinated.

4. Fisherman's Wharf, San Francisco, CA

On my honeymoon, we went to one of the hole in the walls and ate crab. I think it was called Nick's. At least we went to the place with booths instead of just eating off one of the stalls.

5. Brennan's, New Orleans, LA

I ate Thanksgiving here once at the Houston TX location, but the memorable meal was brunch. Eggs benedict and a flaming dessert (bananas foster)...dude!

6. Acme Oyster House, New Orleans, LA

Sit at the bar and eat the red beans and rice after you slurp a few raw oysters.

7. Private home, Staten Island, NY

I tagged along to a birthday party of a friend of a friend and his Armenian family cooked a great feast for us.

8. Kitok burger, Waco, TX

Korean women frying burgers laced with soy sauce...yum.

9. A&W, Napa, CA

After many, many fancy meals at fancy restaurants, I enjoyed a hot dog, crispy fries, and an icy cold mug of root beer. Packed at lunch.

10. Old House, Santa Fe, NM

Everything is good here. Expensive, but excellent.

11. Padilla's, Albuquerque, NM

I inhaled the sopapilla basket. It's not fancy, but the place has great service.

12. Hyatt DFW airport, Dallas, TX

As a child we went here for the brunch on special occasions (ice sculptures! omelet station!). I went back as an adult for a business trip and they still can cook. The fish dishes are wonderfully amazing.

13. Bouchon, Venezia Hotel (inside the Venetian), Las Vegas, NV

Hard to find, but I ate a sublime breakfast here. Hash and a caramel coffee drink. Apparently it's one of Thomas Keller's outposts. I went back last year, but it wasn't as delicious as I remembered, but the restaurant is beautiful.

14. Sushi, Seattle, WA

Can't remember the name of the restaurant, but it was across the street from the art museum (saw live nude painted people one day as I was waiting for the bus back to the hotel). Bento box #11 - I can't eat Japanese food anywhere else now that I have had their food.

Milk fountain

2009-03-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

Broke down today and ordered a new pump kit for my Medela PIS machine. I haven't been pumping at work and my milk supply has kind of gone nuts. I thought I was supposed to make LESS once I went back to work. When I was on leave, I did not nurse the baby during my "work" hours and I was fine. Now I am just a spraying/ leaking milk machine...cripes. I am finding myself rushing home to unleash my rock hard boobs onto poor Honeydew who is probably already full from the bottles the nanny gives her. I am wondering even if I have time to pump...I'll have to make time.

Discontinued

2009-03-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I look at Wee One and realize she isn't so "wee" any more and am giving her a new blog name. I hearby declare the name "Wee One" discontinued and christen her "Loulou."

The real reason for today's title is so I can rant about the discontinuation of just about any or all products/ menu items I tend to like. Currently I am using Glysomed hand cream (DISCONTINUED!!! ONLY AVAILABLE IN CANADA!!!) and recently discovered a new lotion, Dove Pro Age cream oil, that has been able to help my dry cracked heels (a problem for me since college days...I've tried everything) and it has been discontinued also. My dh was using a wonderful hair product, Dep men's hair pomade, and that was also discontinued. (I used to call it his "Dapper Dan" stuff after the fictional product that George Clooney used in Oh Brother Where Art Thou. Oh well, I supposed my mother is still lamenting the disappearance of Rose Milk lotion.

Treading water

2009-03-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I have made it almost to the end of the week. The 1st day back at work was like jumping into the deep end of the pool. It was nice as everyone was saying how glad they were I was back. I am tired, but it is a good tired. As a child/ teen I wanted to be needed, to be useful to others. Boy howdy, I got my wish as a adult.

Dh is struggling with some eating problems and he is going to get an upper endoscopy next week to explore is esophagus and stomach. The doctor is suspicious for eosinophilic esophagitis, a condition that is caused by food allergies. He has lost some weight and I am worried. It is hard because I feel like I could be hurting him by serving him dinner and my way of showing love has been often through my cooking.

Getaway

2009-03-01T18:24:00.000-08:00

Just returned from a quick trip to Albuquerque and enjoyed myself very much. Dh and I went to celebrate our 6th (!) anniversary. My favorite parts included lunch at Padilla's (I almost ate the whole basket of sopapillas) and a trip to the Tamaya spa where we enjoyed massage and other treatments...my dh the sci-fi guy said it felt like we were being prepared to be fed to space aliens. I have heard how the hot tub parts of some spas can be clothing optional...so it was a bit disconcerting at 1st, but I made sure no one was looking my way and slid into the hot tub like a fish. At least it was not co-ed and just ladies. Such fun!

Tomorrow I begin a new routine, part 3 of "Project Baby #2." I resume working outside the home and my "normal" life...whatever that is! I am anxious, of course, but know that this is what I going to do right now until I figure out the next part. As the writer, Anne Lamott writes, I am proceeding until my next "operating instructions."

I Hate February

2009-02-15T19:05:00.001-08:00

I have always dreaded February because I or one of my family members is always sick. Add to that my work in a medical clinic, and there you have a full blown month of misery. This year, unfortunately, Honeydew got it...this weekend has been one of diarrhea, snuffy nose, fever, coughing, and spitting up. Last night was bad and today she has been improving. At one point I had spit up dripping onto my foot and pooling in my crotch area. I have not worried about her much since she was born until now. Hopefully she will sleep well tonight and heal up fast. For now, she is fever free, dozing off, and in clean clothes (6th change of clothing in the last 24 hours).

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T19:38:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone got some love today...I'm going to send out some love for everyone today...smack!

Dh and I got super romantic and gave each other chocolate (for him) and flowers (for her) and drove 20 miles to eat some cajun fast food fried chicken (we had the restaurant all to ourselves by 6:30) and browse at the bookstore for our date. It was great!

Honeydew

2009-02-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

Art imitating life

2009-02-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

Noticed today's art of the day (scroll down) is Picasso's depiction of a lady nursing her baby. Just looking at it makes the let down reflex occur in me...

Oooommmm

2009-02-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

Battling stomach bug that I caught earlier this week...much better, but I am still very tired. Icky stuff. It's really bad when it feels like your peeing from the wrong place (I know...TMI). It seems as I get older illnesses that were minor in the past are more severe and more difficult to bear. I was gathering a few supplies at the grocery store today and my feet actually felt achy.

The Wee One and Honeydew are hanging in there...just some mild colds and boogers coming out of noses. So I hope to recover fully after this weekend, in between the demands of a 3.5 year old girl and the 3 am feedings required by the infant stomach of Honeydew.

Actually the demands of Wee One have been so great lately, I noted I haven't posted or managed to string words to post here in a while. The nanny has her out for the past hour for a trip to the local mall (handily down the street). So the peace in the house has a meditative quality for me...zzz's for Honeydew and me a bit earlier.

On another subject, as we are fortunate to live in a very nice house in a place where the economy hasn't crash yet, I was perusing the realty ads today. There are definately more houses on the market now that there were just a few weeks ago. With the price of oil dropping, I can see that it is finally beginning to affect this community. I have occasionally daydreamed about getting a different house with a space for seperate guest room, a bedroom for Honeydew, and a playroom (they are all one now), but it would be really insane to do this now. We'd probably get a good deal, but our house could be on the market for much longer than we could afford. We could always put a trailer out back for the kids...ha,ha,ha.

Ruminations

2009-01-26T11:15:00.000-08:00

I am starting to ruminate about the time when I return to work again (in 5 short weeks). I think I should be able to handle it, but I will miss the nice free time I have now. Honeydew is doing good especially since she and I have been co-sleeping and nursing. It is so nice to be horizontal for at least 7-8 hours at night. Wee one is adjusting back to her new/old school and after spending some time with her classmates and parents at a birthday party yesterday, I know we made a good choice again. 2 kids...double the fun! I cannot imagine yet what it will be like when I have to figure out 2 kids activities/ schedules and how to get them there. In time, in time, I tell myself...don't get ahead of the game. Everything always seems to work itself out in some way.

My Review of Supernanny Diaper Bag with Changing Pad

2009-01-23T20:37:00.001-08:00

Originally submitted at Kipling

Supernanny Diaper Bag with Changing Pad

This bag rocks!

By Toffee from West Texas on 1/23/2009

Pros: Durable, High Quality

Best Uses: Everyday, Travel

I had admired a friend's purple monkey purse a while back and while I was searching for a diaper bag to use with my newest baby, I found this bag. It is very light weight and very easy to carry even loaded down with all the baby stuff. The fold out pad works great and the interior is very roomy. I would recommend adding one or two outside pockets to easily stow a bottle/ sippy cup or wipes. It is pricier than some other diaper bags, but the quality is great and it really is a bag that you will use all the time. Probably the only one I will need for the duration of diaper bag usage. It does look cool and I think my husband could carry it without feeling girly.

(legalese)

Vacunas

2009-01-22T14:28:00.000-08:00

Shots for Honeydew today. I sat with her nestled in my supercool sling in a sea of strollers and car seats in the waiting room of the doctor's office. The mom next to me was telling her also 2 month old daughter, "now would that be more comfy to be in a sling?" Apparently too wiggly to tolerate one per mom. I told her my 1st kid didn't like it at all. She did have a cool stroller.

Now Honeydew has 5 holes in her thighs, the aftertaste of the rotavirus stuff and tylenol in her mouth. Thankfully she is at the moment peaceful, tummy full of mommy milk and sleeping. Wee one has also miraculously decided to take a nap so the house is amazingly still.

Ahhh....I am going to make a cup to tea now.

Babykins

2009-01-19T16:31:00.000-08:00

OK, when MSB is in my arms and her eyes are closed, she is so sweet and warm...and she looks just like DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW from the Muppets!

http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Dr._Bunsen_Honeydew

Poor thing...that her own mother thinks she looks like a pale green muppet. Dh says at least I don't think she looks like his trusty assistant, Beaker. I am such a science nerd. The muppet show was awesome.

Fashionable again in a tight ecomony

2009-01-16T18:22:00.000-08:00

The joy of finding a new wardrobe in the post partum period is often tempered by new body shape issues, leaky breasts, and currently a respect for the state of the economy in the this country. I was really looking forward to shopping for and wearing normal clothes again even though I really had a great pregnancy wardrobe this time. Body shape issues - I have been wearing out my stretchy pants and warm up suits. I have not tried on jeans or any kind of tailored pants because I know it will be a nightmare. Leaky breasts - patterns and things with vests/ jackets and the big box of breast pads my pal gave me. Economy - I have been rediscovering my closet and mixing up things that I never thought about. I have picked up a few things on the clearance rack at T$rget and JC P&nney.

My maternity clothes are all given away (I was just sick of looking at them and having them take up space in my closet). I did splurge on some cool ankle boots, bought online while I was pregnant and a cute pair of flats from Walma^t that were only $12. I did drop some dough on some nursing tops that I actually have not worn yet...for some weird reason I got sleeveless ones....what was I thinking? It's January!!! I also spent some cash on bras...comfy, comfy, organic cotton that are so awesome for nursing, etc. I hate wearing bras so these have been wonderful. Of course, I had to get the new mom's accessory --- the diaper bag and I found the perfect one for me after getting one that wasn't.The new one is by Kipling and is in my favorite color, purple. It is nylon based so it is amazingly light weight. The front folds out into a diaper changing pad/ station. It reminds me of those purses they used to sell on TV when I was a kid..the front flap folded out and held all your money, credit cards, etc...back then I thought that in beige nylon was so awesome. It's funny I got a real diaper bag as with the 1st baby I received 2 fancy ones (too heavy, too small respectively) and ended up using an old nylon tote from Le Sportsac I got at a garage sale for $3. So that's the latest on post partum fashion in my world.

The Perfect Mother

2009-01-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

The mother creates the nutritious meal for her darling daughter:

a brightly colored plate with halved grapes, organic chicken cut into small pieces, steamed green beans, buttered noodles, and a cup of organic apple juice

What actually happens:

a few sips of juice are take and then the child goes to raid the pantry and eats 5 chocolate covered pretzels, a half pack of old gummy fruit snacks that were opened and left out, and a few sips of daddy's coke he left on the counter from last night.

"Paul doesn't realize that it is easier to be the perfect mother with children who are not your own. The children you have temporarily do not push your buttons in the way your own children do. That when children aren't actually yours, you are not exhausted or stressed or distracted when you are with them."

From "Second Chance" by Jane Green

Return to normal

2009-01-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been really relaxing. I suspect it has to do with the new year and the turmultous (sp?) end of 2008. The high risk pregnancy, dh's diverticulitis, the birth, the holidays, etc...we survived and are blessed indeed. I have come to terms (and dh has too) as to how much I can handle without turning into crank b*tc* woman. Wee one has chilled a bit and I have to remember to really give her my full attention whenever I can. It is not so much that my attention is on MSB (who gets ignored regularly), but that I want to do other things like cook supper and reply to an email from a friend or try to get a wiggly baby latched on without someone shreiking in my ear to do something else. sigh.

But overall I have a better attitude about everything and am trying to go with the flow. My dh is very laid back and has been very helpful...basically when he comes home from work, wee one monopolizes his time until she passes out (sometime before 10 pm). We have given up begging for a nap in the afternoon and that has decreased the stress in the house considerably. My dear sis and her dh came for a visit this past weekend too and she has always been a calming influence on me. She always has helped me put things into perspective...she is 5 years younger, but has always been a very wise person. We cooked and make some really yummy things...she says I am her muse. The chocolate lava cake we made was really, really wonderful...it gave me some of my "mojo" back!

New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T19:27:00.000-08:00

The holidays have been busy, and I am just trying to get by each day right now. My mind, at the moment is a bit frazzled from tiredness so this might ramble/ not make any sense! We had the eating/ gift extravaganza with the inlaws. Great food...I can't seem to stop eating again. Saw a movie on Xmas day...Benjamin Button...very long, but a beautiful movie. Dh and I were both in a cleaning/ clearing out mood these past few days so I have made a few trips to Goodwill and the dumpster. Tonight I will be celebrating new year's with sparkling grape juice and the kiddies and dh at home.

I have been daydreaming about returning to work earlier than I planned again. Of course, it is the whole, I am not earning money thing again, but it has been hard for me to be at home at this point. The nanny has everything under control and my presence seems to only antagonize my 3 year old (I know that kids behave worse when mom/ dad is around sometimes...just a fact of life). She won't let me take a nap and today everytime I nursed the baby she came over and yelled/ screamed. I know, this too shall pass. I am just feeling old and tired.

I wish everyone good health, prosperity, and happiness for 2009. Happy New Year!

Bottomless pits

2008-12-22T11:55:00.000-08:00

Today is a cloudy, cold wintry day here and all MSB and I want to do is EAT! Wee one doesn't eat, she just bounces from room to room, occasionally stopping to consume some candy she has found (we were cleaning out closets this weekend) or a piece of fruit from the fruit bowl. But MSB and I are a different story. Our stomachs are bottomless pits, demanding, milk for MSB (either mommy's or similax)---she doesn't care, and for mommy, anything edible in the kitchen. I have been trying to cut back on wheat products after reading a theory on possible opiate like effects of wheat peptides on the colon and because the baby and I are so gassy all the time this past week. It is much harder than it seems to avoid wheat/ gluten. Rice, potatoes, corn, corn chips, etc...until I can get to the grocery store and regroup. I did make some really kick-as* Muddy buddies chex mix with rice (gluten free for my celiac diseased sis in law and nephew). Those really rock. I should be taking a nap right now but I have to appease the hunger 1st or else I can't fall asleep. I am going to try and be healthy and attack the box of pears from Harry and Davi$ I just got in the mail.

Life

2008-12-18T18:41:00.000-08:00

38 years ago today, I was born. I have lived a really nice life and today I got to celebrate with loved ones, had lunch with dh (just the 2 of us!), received cards, ate birthday cake (for breakfast!), and opened some nice gifts. A pretty great day overall.

I was catching up on sending/ receiving email and I got an email from an old childhood friend. Earlier in the week, she endured one of the most horrible things that can even happen. The family was involved in a terrible car accident and she lost her only child, a 14 month old daughter. My heart aches for her and the family. I cannot understand or comprehend this. Why did this happen? I don't know. How can one survive this? I don't know. I hold my children tight and am grateful for the time I have with them. Hopefully, a long time.

In the race

2008-12-16T18:35:00.000-08:00

As I am in the marathon that is the period of newborn-ness, I am beginning to lose a bit of stamina and am recalling the mental race of watching the clock again. Feed baby, count the time I have until the next feeding to sleep/ do laundry/ cook/ etc. This time is not as bad as the 1st baby as I have a very distracting 3 year old I still have to pay (extra) attention to at this time. It is especially acute in the evenings when dh comes home, the nanny is gone and I am trying to get dinner/ feed baby/ bathe 3 year old/ control chaos. My dh is very very good about entertaining wee one so I am grateful for that, but I feed off any anxiety or stress on his/ her part. I have heard this is often the worse part of the day for many families.

So, I am trying to get some perspective on this too, all of this. Life for me, has often been hard and so I don't expect the easy. College and med school were hard, residency was hard, divorce was hard, working up the courage to get married again was hard, getting pregnant with #1 was hard, going through a cancer scare last year was hard, etc. Some may look at my life and think I have it easy and perhaps I have compared to the trials so many others have. However, I am at the point in my life that I have some control sometimes over my options. I can rearrange/ reconfigure/ add/ subtract/ change things to make life easier. The trick is to figure out what may work.

Doing my part

2008-12-15T09:53:00.000-08:00

Just returned from Tarjay again and left a bunch of money there in exchange for some bags of baby stuff, 2 Xmas gifts, canned goods, 1 black skirt for mommy, a dozen eggs, and an organizing bin for wee one's room. I can't seem to get out of there under 3 figures this month. I laugh at the days when I was a poor student and was stressed about spending $30 there!

It is kind of weird right now to be spending money, not only because of the relentless media honking about the economy, but because I am not working right now. Dh is working of course, and I saved up money for this leave, but it is still a bit uneasy to me. I suppose it is some of kind internal fear in me about not being able to take care of myself/ my kids. Who knows...money comes and goes anyway. I am blessed in so many other ways I can't even count.

Next week is the big Xmas lollapalooza with my IL's who go overboard...I have been cleaning out closets and bookshelves in my house as I know new things will be gathering there. They probably think I am not very thoughtful (although this year I have an excuse...Hey I just gave birth!) as I tend to give large fruit baskets from a catalog (from a local grower!). The kids all get gifts, of course. Xmas time is very special especially this year as I gaze on my sleeping baby...sleep in heavenly peace indeed.

Care and feeding of your child

2008-12-10T17:32:00.000-08:00

MSB is doing well and doing all the things that a newborn should. Her check up last week went smoothly. Weight gain documented, head measured, and reminders about feeding guidelines reviewed.

Wee one is in a big NO phase and it occasionally makes all of us NUTS! I let her eat too much candy today (candy canes) and she didn't nap so who knows what may transpire this evening. I am about to climb into a big bath and maybe she will join me. She missed her bath last night because she passed out right after dinner. It was way too cold anyway so her skin actually was probably saved by keeping those extra oils on.

I am enjoying my time and got out of the house for some beauty treatments (haircut, pedicure) yesterday and today. I still look tired in spite of that and the help I have (babysitter in the afternoons). Some people are asking me if I am back at work yet...dude, it's only been 2 weeks since I had the baby...need more sleep/ rest.

Tomorrow I am going to see my OB and we are going to discuss a hormone secreting IUD (mirena). He recommended this instead of a tubal so I plan on trying this even though I am not sure about having something in me. But at this point, no more pregnancies for me please.

Bouncing back

2008-12-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

Physically, this time after childbirth, I am much stronger physically. Mentally, better too, however I have another cold that is making me nuts and my upper lip and nose super sore. I have spent so much money on Puffs with lotion and buying pseudoephdrine (no, mr. pharmacist, I am not making meth with this stuff...just trying to unclog my left nostril and sinus).

Today I went to stock up on supplies at Wallyworld and buy a few Xmas gifts. There are sure a lot of people who have time to shop at 10am on a Monday morning. It completely exhausted me and I scarfed down lunch, watched "A Baby Story" on TLC and passed out on the couch until it was time to pick up my daughter at school. The Baby story episode was touching...a lady with a brain tumor that appeared clinically with the epidural for her 2nd pregnancy. She had surgery (2!) to remove it and was giving birth to her 3rd child. She was remarking (her dh too) that having a baby at age 40 was really different as she was so tired. Tiring indeed.

Baby feet!

2008-12-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

I got my dh a new camera for the occasion of the birth of the new baby. He's been having fun with it and snapping happily. He was the last of many children and apparently there are only like 1 or 2 pictures of him as a baby documented! I did have to look high and low for where he put his camera so I could download the pictures onto my computer. He was looking at the pictures and he noted that he had taken one of me while I was feeding the baby and my naked boob was showing. I strongly suggested that he delete that one unless he felt he could make some money off of it on the internet...ha, ha,ha!

Back to the Boobies

2008-12-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

MSB was a bit inconsolable the other night which is very unusual for her so far. She is a very tranquil, contented baby the majority of the time. So I checked her our, cuddled, changed diaper, etc and I knew she wasn't hungry as she had polished off a bottle 1/2 hour before. Finally, a bit reluctantly (with a series of flashbacks to never ending nursing sessions, bleeding cracked nipples, plugged ducts, sprays of milk going across the room, mastitis, the intimate relationship with the pump ---electric and cool hand held avent model, trudging around with the stained boppy pillow, resenting my baby and dh for getting me into this, hating myself for having those feelings, and me running away from my dh every time he got near my chest) I put the baby to my breast and she latched on. Ooooo, ow, ahhhhh....she was sucking away and I actually got the relaxed, stoned feeling that nursing moms love.

The milk is flowing (I totally could be wet nurse) but I am going to do this mainly for comfort and around the planned schedule for when I go back to work. No pumping....at all. I figure 2-3 sessions a day is better than none at all. To go totally boob all the time is something I cannot handle without going crazy.

Absent minded

2008-12-01T20:08:00.001-08:00

Today I...

1. Left a package of chicken thighs in the car from the grocery store until it was time to cook them (they were quite frozen and were still cold and my mom deemed them ok to cook/ eat...we'll see how we are doing in the next few hours)

2. Stuck a maxi pad in my pants and forgot to take the adhesive strip off the "wings" and bled all over myself

3. Started this blog entry last night, didn't finish, left open on dh's computer and he asked me if I was done

4. At the 5am feeding, lost track of how many scoops of powdered formula I had put in the bottle.

Gotta love the sleep disruption/ deprivation

Black Friday/ shopping fun

2008-11-29T14:01:00.000-08:00

Just got back from a trip to Tar-jay where I was clutching my "save $15 off purchase of $150 or more" coupon at the checkout lane wondering if I had bought enough. Let's just say I almost could have used 2 coupons... Anyhoo, we weren't even really Xmas shopping, just getting some necessities (humidifier for our dry climate + heater coming on, maxi pads, Dora sippy cups, frozen pizza, etc) for our daily life. We have been surprised this weekend how empty our town seems. The park, the restaurants, the shops...not even as busy as usual weekends. I know some of it is people going out of town and some may be the economy, but we were in one of those pockets of the country where the bad times have not hit just yet (they hit really bad about 25 years ago and people still remember those times). We did get some super deals on a few DVDs....Monty Python's Holy Grail, and Moulin Rouge (probably a stocking stuffer for my MIL, lover of all things movie musical.

I am still mostly an internet shopper for other stuff. So convenient and such fun to get boxes at the door. I recently discovered a great site for comfortable bras (I hate bras) called blue canoe. I ordered one for nursing and have a few more ordered to try. It has been kind of discouraging being postpartum shape, but I went through some of my closet yesterday and have managed to find some clothing that I can wear/ live with until the middle part of me becomes less prominent (hopefully). I may hop over to academy and get some clothes (they have great prices) to tide me over. I received a super comfy warm up set from there as a gift last week and it actually fits!

Bleeding nipples...great name for a punk/ metal band

2008-11-26T17:34:00.000-08:00

OK, I put MSB to the boob every 3 hours in the hospital and ended up with bleeding, painful, scabbed nipples. I BF my 1st kid so I knew how to position/ latch on and had the nurses check me. MSB has this power suction and I think it got worse as she was HUNGRY and all she got were tiny bits of colostrum. After seeing her pull away with a mouthful of blood, I just cried and got out the bottles. My milk did come in 2 days, but by that time I didn't want to feed her (or pump) and had already been giving her formula. OK you can throw nursing pads at me now. Crazy thing...life is so much easier esp at night. Instead of endless nursing sessions in the bleak parts of the night, we heat, eat burp and sleep in about 20-30 minutes. I am such a happier mommy and MSB is content. That 1st bottle I gave her she just sucked it down burped like a trucker and was calm and sighed contentedly.

Preschool Stress

2008-11-25T09:44:00.000-08:00

As I lift my head out of the fog of being pregnant, hormones, and general unwellness, I notice that my wee one and others are trying to tell me the new preschool ("the best in the city")isn't working out as we had planned. Various concerning things like how we are struggling to get her up, dressed, and there without being "tardy," how dirty she was when she came home several times, to our nanny's concerns about the teachers approach to talking to the kids, to how more structured the school is than I thought would be for 3 year olds, and etc.

So we are leaving and I am going to put her back into her little mother's day out where she can be painting, playing , and laughing, and we don't have to always be on time. Wee one is excited agreed to this change and got out her old hello kitty lunch box this morning...oh sweetie, we are going to have a holiday this week and we'll start Monday.

I had really agonized about this in the 1st place and understand that for her this will not be the right place. I hate to think she was ever unhappy, but didn't really know how to express it very well to me...oh the agony of parenting when you make a wrong decision. I should have known it from her school pictures...the old one she is sweetly smiling and the new one she looks dazed. Live and learn.

My Sweet Baby

2008-11-23T19:40:00.000-08:00

MSB was born Friday at 12:15 pm weighing 6 lbs 6 oz and 19 1/4 " long. She came out after a little pitocin, a nice epidural, scalp monitor/rom (neat trick by L&D nurse) and 6 pushes from mom. In all it took about 3.5 hours. There were a few scary decels of the fetal heart rate (with contractions) but they resolved when I turned from lying on my left side to almost sitting up!

She was a hearty crier at birth and right away we noticed her beautiful full head of dark wavy hair and the loveliest set of fingers I have ever seen on a baby (long, tapered with oval nails).

We came home today and I'll add more when I get the chance...

Pick a birthday

2008-11-20T10:52:00.000-08:00

Just got back from OB, I am dilated to 5-6 cm and I am going to be admitted to L&D tomorrow at 7am. He is worried I'll go into labor at home/ in the car/ etc and the baby will comer flying out so we are going to try to have a more controlled situation. He even jokingly told me not to cough, sneeze, etc...hard right now as I am getting over my cold, etc. I am like, WOW. I get to meet my new kid tomorrow.

Pee pee jug on ice

2008-11-18T18:51:00.000-08:00

Came back today from high risk OB visit with a brown jug in my hand for a 24 hour urine collection. I dipped protein on the urinalysis the last visit and this one. Super fun. yay. My blood pressures have been fine and I don't have any swelling anywhere (except my belly) so they are not too worried. So I am keeping my jug on ice in a trash can in my bathroom so I don't contaminate my refrigerator (actually non infected urine is actually sterile, but I can't deal with food and waste products in the same place). So various members of my household (my parents are visiting) have been asking me why I am carrying bowls of ice into my room. I tell them they don't really want to know but I tell them why. Everyone then goes, ewww...oh. Fun times, fun times.

Sick again

2008-11-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

Woke up at 3 am last night having shaking chills and a mother of a sinus headache, swollen neck glands and a sore throat. Woke dh up to get me some tylenol as temp showed fever. Probably payback for being a harda-- and not letting wee one watch tv after 8:30pm...we fought for at least 1/2 hour about this ( me and wee one). A bit better today, my mom has made some soup for me and the tylenol helps. Wee one went off to school and dh told the teacher she still had a bit of runny nose (no fever) and they said, oh, so does everyone else! She really needed to go as she was having cabin fever pretty bad this weekend because I wouldn't let her go anywhere.

Bored, bored, bored

2008-11-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, soon I will not be bored anymore. But I have run out of things to do. I did a little bit of work yesterday...brief meeting and signed some paperwork and I felt like myself again for just a few moments. Last night, I was resting and didn't feel like doing anything...internet, eating, watching movie, etc. Finally I forced myself to read a book, "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner and read all the parts about food and the labor and delivery scenes. Today I feel good and wee one (who was struggling with a a drippy eye virus last night) is better today. Life is good.

Warm up labor

2008-11-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

Have been having irregular contractions since 4 am this morning. Nothing in a pattern yet, just the tightening and sometimes back pain. In the haziness of being half asleep, I wonder, hey, is this for real or is it gas or am I dreaming? You'd think since I've done this before I would have a clue, but I have never made it this far. So I am somewhere between 36.5 and 37.5 weeks along, but as the doctor (who believes I am more 37.5 by my LMP) said the other day, the baby should be all baked by now more or less (I had this sudden image of a biscuit when he said that.) Is is time to get the honey and butter out yet?

He even offered the option of induction next week if I wanted. That kind of blew my mind (as I have been fixated on keeping the baby INSIDE because of the preterm history), but I told him I would just continue along and see if it would happen naturally unless he thought there was a reason to do anything.

Date night

2008-11-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

DH and I got a really nice date night yesterday. My whole day was great compared to many days in the past few weeks actually. We went to see the movie with the controversial title, "Zack & Miri Make a Porno." I wanted to see either comedy (my fav) or action because any kind of drama or chick flick makes me sob and cry, cry, cry. This movie was hilarious...I told dh I hoped he wasn't embarassed that I was one of the people who laughed the most/ loudest in the theater. However, the man knows my favorite movie include Tommy Boy, Old School, and the 40 year old virgin.

The 1st 1/2 of the movie was wonderfully comedic. SPOILER ALERT...Then the 2nd 1/2 turned into a sweet, romantic comedy and I started shedding a few tears and wanted to hold hands with dh....oh well.

That sucked

2008-11-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I figured out why I felt so bad....I had a throat/ sinus infection. Fever, swollen glands, body aches and the "I feel like a pile of crap" sensation. I am so much better today and even went out to lunch/ shopping a bit with my MIL, so all is well again. I can't blame it all on the pregnancy.

Crib is now set up and bedding has been located and cleaned. It was so hard to do the 1st time around. This time it was a breeze. Now I've got to get the infant seat down and find the boppy pillow.
Nest, nest, nest...

Pregnant, tired, tired, pregnant

2008-11-05T09:10:00.000-08:00

Kind of icky today....nothing specific just not feeling great. I may have stayed up too late last night thinking about things. Dh set up the crib and it was way bigger than I remembered. I guess that is reflecting the daunting task that looms ahead of caring for a 2nd child.

I have been spending time looking at clothes on the internet, fantasizing about wearing stuff that has belts again! But last night I ended up buying some nursing tops and bras and hoping my boobs don't get too out of control once the milk starts flowing.

Wee one has been really clingy lately...mommy this and mommy that. I guess she knows something is changing ahead.

Calm

2008-11-03T09:09:00.000-08:00

Today begins a new week and I feel so much better. Dh is recovered and I have parents here to help. Oh and also had a bm for the 1st time in 5 days. Life is good. So now I am just gestating and am going to look at all the cute things I got from my baby shower last week. I have read its tacky to have a shower for #2, but my friends said, No, it isn't and we wanted an excuse to throw a party any way. They gave a great party and we had wonderful food...chicken spaghetti and salad and one of the girls made a beautiful cake. Mmmm....I am hungry now.

A little mama drama too

2008-10-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

Went to OB today for check up and 35 week GBS screen. He checked my cervix and I am dilated at 3cm and very soft. The head is engaged. He gave me his cell phone and said to call him and head to the hospital if I have any signs of labor. For now the recommendation is rest and fluids. Oh boy....dh and I both on rest. I am calling on my family and friend now...time to get some help!

Papa Drama

2008-10-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

DH started feeling terrible after a picnic Sunday and has been miserable since then. I took him to the doctor yesterday and again today for visits and CT scan. Diverticulitis....terrible stuff. We both moaned and groaned today every time we had to get up/down, in/out of the car....what a pair we are. He is better tonight with my leftover pain pills and a colonscopy is scheduled for Friday. I am so tired....it has been a long day. IL's are back in town tomorrow so they will be around for help/ moral support.

Entering uncharted territory

2008-10-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I am starting to get into the time where things started getting freaky the last pregnancy. Anxiety about whether this one is about to GO is increasing. I worry in the wee hours of the night whether my water will break as I get up to pee (that's how it happened last time) and whether the twinge of pain I feel is a contraction warming up or just being constipated. Wee one came at 34 weeks 5 days and that day is today according to my LMP; however my high risk OB thinks I am 1 week behind actually according to size. Part of me is hopeful that I'll make it to 36-37 weeks...my dh giggled at me last night when the commercial for the new James Bond movie came on and said the movie was opening Nov 14. I said that is the day the baby will be born and I'll name her "Bond!"

Please baby, hang on for 3-4 more weeks.

Holding steady

2008-10-16T16:53:00.000-07:00

Saw Ob yesterday and not much going on (good!). I finally made it to the grocery store and did pretty good, but was tired after. I have less energy than 3 weeks ago when I started my modified leave. The low back area has been the most problematic as I get bigger.

I am continuing to check my sugars (4 times a day) and eating every vegetable I can find. Carbs are only for the morning and I am allowing myself nibbles of sugarish carbs in very, very small amounts. Blood sugar has improved with this approach. Halloween candy is approaching...I hope I can be strong!

Taking a day off at the movies

2008-10-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a "day off" today. I know that sounds funny as I stopped my day job 2 weeks ago, but I decided that's what I would call this day. Wee one had the day off to from school and we had a little friend over to play. They played a little while, but her friend apparently is not much of a Monday person. Wee one and I baked apple turnovers and made hard boiled eggs and enjoyed our morning together. The nanny came at lunch and I went to get some lunch (low carb) and decided to see what was playing at the movies on a weekday afternoon. I ended up at the mall eating lots of veggies and a little protein at the cafeteria and catching "Fireproof" in the mall's cineplex (10!). For 1: 15 pm on a Monday, there were actually a lot of people in the theater. The $5 1st feature of the day ticket price probably didn't hurt either.

I knew it was a movie produced by a large Baptist church in Georgia about marriage and firefighting. I was actually quite impressed by the movie considering all the "amateurs" working on it. My favorite character in the movie, the lead's best friend is actually a full time Marine captain (Ken Bevel) who has never acted in a movie before. Considering a lot of crap that has been coming out of Hollywood lately, I really think it's time for more movies to be made by a larger variety of people like this one. I liked all the action scenes (wished actually there were more!) and cried a lot during the emotional scenes. It realistically portrays a lot of the emotions and trials as you work stuff out in a marriage/ difficult relationship as well as the temptations and distractions that can lead you away from your spouse. Some people might not be ready for the preachy parts, but I can say that there are a lot of things in a lot of other movies that I am often not ready for!

According to some web news on this movie, it cost $500,000 to make and it has already made $12.5 million at the box office. I think there is an audience out there for movies about family and marriage. I am waiting excitedly to see a movie that was previewed, "The Secret Life of Bees." I read the book but don't remember too much about it.

Pissed off

2008-10-11T15:57:00.000-07:00

Blood sugars have been climbing these last few days. No change in eating habits....no sugary drinks, no juice, no dessert (except 1 time). I am tired and grouchy, especially today. I suppose it is just because everything is progressing and I am not as active but the is really scaring me and irritating me. I'll do my weekly check in on Monday with the doctor. I did get my teeth cleaned yesterday so I wonder if that could stress my body more right now. I love cooking and right now I am just not in the mood.

Moo

2008-10-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

I put on a bigger pair of maternity pants I found yesterday and turned and saw myself in profile. Yes, it's moo time. I think I am a little melancholy as I am quite sure this will be the last time I am pregnant as I am going to hang it up after this one. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she actually asked if I was going to get my tubes tied. That is just too wacky a concept for me after all the infertility stuff. Even though this one was not hard to begot, I had unprotected sex for 3.5 years after wee one without any signs of pregnancy. But, anything can happen. I know I don't want to have a baby in my 40s. Surgery just sucks for me. After my big surgery last year and my super crappy reactions to anesthetics, I am like "ICK!" These thoughts I must ponder...

I am a control freak

2008-09-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

I realized how difficult I can be today. Today is my 2nd official day of not working. I did go into the office and do some paperwork. My substitute was there and I noted some things he did that he took care of that I would have done differently. Not that anything was seriously wrong but not up to my standards. Probably also didn't help as my assistant has been out sick x2 days. Anyhow, I have to be out and I have to live with that.

On a happier note, saw my high risk ob doc today and everyone there was in a good mood. The baby was all squashed up on my right side (ouch) but everything measured fine. He didn't frown at my sugars and told me we'd see each other in 4 weeks and then after that, every week for the biophysical profile.

Stuck in the moment

2008-09-20T19:50:00.000-07:00

Approaching week 30 and my hormones are revving up. I was at lunch today staring at a piping hot pepperoni pizza in front of me while wee one and dh were feeding tokens into the video machines at our local chain kids restaurant. I had already had my healthy salad and diet lemonade. I figured I'd eat 1-2 pieces. Dh sat down to join me after having settled wee one in the churning school bus ride and in a few moments the pizza pan was left with one piece (and another on wee one's plate). 2 hours later I checked my blood sugar and it was above normal and I whined to dh that I shouldn't have had 3 pieces of pizza. He said, No, you had 4, you ate the last piece before they cleared the pan away. OH MAN...I don't normally even eat that much. I must really be hungry. At my last OB visit I actually lost 2 pounds.

It's a goofy situation. I have gestational diabetes and am following a regimented carb counting kind of diet. I could counteract the times I slip up with exercise, but I have been limited in exercise due to a soft cervical exam and instructions for more rest and time spent "horizontal." Well, I'll just have to keep trying. Sigh.

Home today

2008-09-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

5:45 am - "Milk daddy" dh gets up and gets her some milk in a sippy cup.
5:50 am - "Mommy...mommy...my tummy hurts." "OK - why don't you go take a poo" "OK, mommy" "Snore...." "Mommy, I done." (sound of farting). I feel a little warm body climb over me and lay next to me. "Mommy, my tummy - rub lotion" I get up and put underwear back on her and rub some lotion on. She cries a bit and then falls asleep.
6:15 am - "Mommy, I need my baby doll" "OK" I wander around the house and then find it under her bed. She cries and then falls asleep
7:00am - alarm goes off, everyone wakes up. "I happy Mommy" Get her ready for school.
7:40 am - load wee one into car with dh "Mommy my tummy hurts" "OK, do you want to go to school?" "yes mommy"
8:15 am - car pulls in and dh and wee one returns "Honey, she vomited in the car" Clean child, check for fever (none). Try to figure out how to take cover off car seat
8:45 am - give up on car seat and take out to patio to hose down.
9:00 am - child happily watching Peep and eating a popsicle.

Gestational Diabetes Beverages

2008-09-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

Happy mood at the moment, just ate my treat...ice cream! I was googling about what kinds of beverages a diabetic can enjoy. I must be thirsty. So here's what I want to drink:

What I want to drink: Coke (yes the real thing) over a big glass of ice, grapefruit juice over a big glass of ice, Orange box - juicy juice (I think its called orange tangerine), orange juice in the morning - straight up, grape juice, V8 juice (gives me heart burn right now...doesn't really affect my sugar I think), IBC root beer from a icy bottle, sweet ice tea over a big glass of ice, lemonade

What I can drink: water, club soda, club soda with lemon/ lime/ splash of juice, crystal light (I make it with club soda to make it like a soda), milk, chai tea (with a splash of half and half and 1 tsp of sugar), warm water, ice water, ice tea - unsweet

Sigh...well at least I have some choices...