Keepin On, Girl

Sunday Stress

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 04:00:00 +0000

Every Sunday morning at our house, it is the same scene. 2 parents are frantically running around trying to get children dressed, fed, getting themselves dressed fed and in the car to get to church for which Sunday school starts at 9am. Usually, by the time I get in the car, I am feeling very un-Christian, esp towards my dh who likes on occasion to sleep late. We have been getting there later and later...that this morning I asked out loud "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? WHAT'S the POINT!?!"

Fortunately, God did not strike me down and I am still here. Dh and I talked later and made up (this happens often too) but we really have to figure out what we are doing because we really do enjoy going to our class (great discussions) and hate missing out on half or more of the class most of the time. Our daughters enjoy their classes and the other kids. We like our friends there.

The solution would be for everyone to get up earlier and set an alarm clock. It's not like we party on Saturdays (I was in bed by 10:30 am last night and dh has been sober on Sat nights). Lou lou wakes up by 7:30 each morning and comes to rouse us. I supposed we could ask our church to start later or change churches (difficult as this is the one my inlaws attend and dh has since he was born). I think it that little part in both dh and I that are being rebellious that we have to be somewhere 5 days a week early in the morning OR it just may be that we are not very good at having a 1 year old and a 4 year old ready and in the car in a certain amount of time. I think that latter may be the most true.

Support Group

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:37:00 +0000

For the past month I have been regularly attending Al-anon meetings to help me deal with my spouse's problems with alcohol. It was very scary to walk into the 1st meeting, but now I am more calm about it now. I really actually needed to go about 5 years ago but hey, better late than never. I am not sure what I expected exactly...hugging, crying ,etc., but actually it's more humor, uplift, and deep insights. I know 2 of the meetings I actively felt the presence of God with me. Pretty wild, huh. I still don't know much and don't even know all the words of the serenity prayer, but it helps.

multiple thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 04:08:00 +0000

(format blatantly stolen from QSM blog)

(A)Much less crazy b*tch behavior since removing plastic device from my uterus (that thing had freaking long strings). Sex drive is back. However, sleeping high on cough medication brings about some weird-a*s dreams. Such as that I am paralyzed and the physical therapist working on me is taking advantage of the situation and groping my breasts. Dh says he might have been sleep-groping.

(B)Recovering from bad head cold/ sinus infection, finally started antibiotics today (hate taking them...usually make me nauseated, but so far ok)

(C)Daydreaming about Lou Lou starting kindergarten (PUBLIC SCHOOL!) next year and all that entails. I can't believe my little one is so old now.... 4 1/2!!!

(D)Drifting lazily through Christmas season thanks to internet shopping and the inlaws thanksmas already being over. Still have work party to do next week and somehow find a babysitter.

(E)It has been so cold here, I can't stand it. At least when I go grocery shopping, I don't have to rush home because my trunk is colder than the frig.

(F) Lala has one year old doctor's appt tomorrow to be innoculated and examined. Oh, well, at least this is the last check up for a while in her babyhood. Poor little thing doesn't know what's coming.

What did I do now?!

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 02:12:00 +0000

Got ice cream out to put counter. Went to bathroom. Pulled my IUD out. Oh...what have I done? Went back out to eat ice cream. Now googling for what other people felt like once it was out. Well, I have been a total B87ch the past few months and just achy and moody on and off. I have had trouble with progestin hormones in the past (depo provera made me weird too) so I made the (crazy) decision to remove it.

I was pretty sure I didn't want any more babies (and still feel pretty much the same) but every once in a while get this twinge to have another. I blame it on the baby boy doll someone left on the counter in the kitchen by the formula mix. I do have some birth control pills that I plan to start while I contemplate all this. I didn't ever get pregnant without using Reproductive Technologies so the question is should I just go au natural or is that just crazy?

The Stuffing

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:39:00 +0000

Made a batch of my mother in law's family dressing recipe (handed down to her by a sister in law) today to bring to work lunch tomorrow. Seems like we would have a non-Turkey day type of food before T-day but hey, I love Turkey and all the trimmings so no complaints here. Per Alton Bro@n, in Victorian times, stuffing was considered a vulgar word so the term dressing was used. Huh! I am lucky in that I have not had to cook much for Thanksgiving in many years due to the abundance of talented home/ professional chefs on both sides our families.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

That little baby prevention device

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:46:00 +0000

I have been thinking and rethinking my IUD for the past year. Blaming infections, moodiness, malaise, weight gain, lack of world peace, etc. on the little thing. I am pretty sure we are not having any more children, but it is still weird to be thinking I need birth control after using ART for conception. One of my good friends actually had hers perforate thru her uterus (mine is still in the right place) and had to get it surgically removed so I am still pondering whether I need the thing or not. My RE approved it because she says it will help slow down the progress of my PCOS disease. I will ponder on...

Dora Echocardiogram

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:35:00 +0000

Lou lou has had a heart murmur present at all of her checkups with the doctor so today we went to see the cardiologist to see if there was anything to really worry about. Lou lou was very patient with the whole ordeal and got her EKG done (lots of stickers, mom!) and watched Dora (at a pretty loud volume I might add) while the doctor did the echocardiogram. Poor guy, I was thinking as I sat watching...he has to listen to various Dora, Hannah Montana, Cars, etc. while doing important medical work and counseling worried parents. Everything turned out fine and we are dealing with an "innocent murmur." We don't have to go back and we can resume normal life.

Whatever that is!? LL asked me if she was sick. I told her, no, sometimes we go to the doctor to get checkups to make sure we are ok. Now, I didn't explain to her that it was unusual for a 4 year old to see a cardiologist, but that can wait for later. Strangely enough, one of her best friends had to wear a cardiac monitor for a few days last month to see if she had a heart rhythm problem. Perhaps it is just that both happen to be preemies and have ever worried parents. I actually have been very laid back about her health until this heart check up because she has done very well so far other than being skinnier than most of her peers.

Apologies to readers about my lack of posts lately. I have been spending my internet time learning about the wonders of Facebook and all the fun games. I do really need to blog some as my head has been muddled lately. Lots of changes (minor, but it all adds up) seem to be coming or else my mind is just foggy from all the things I have to keep up with!

Tree of Life

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 03:04:00 +0000

From the Upper Room Ministries, 9/13/9

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
-Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)

AS I sat in the obstetrician's office, I felt heartbroken. For the second time, my husband and I had lost a baby through miscarriage. Our hope of starting a family was deferred again. Less than a year later, I was overjoyed when God fulfilled my longing and gave us a son.

While reading 1 Samuel 1, I identified with Hannah's desire to have children. Pouring out her heart to the Lord, she prayed for years that God would bless her with a son. She eventually conceived and gave birth to a son, Samuel. "I prayed for this child," she said, "and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord" (1 Sam. 1:27-28).

Hannah's story reminds me that my child is a gift that I should continually surrender to the Lord. It would have been easy for Hannah to keep Samuel to herself after years of hoping for a child. But she offered him back, in thanksgiving and praise, to serve the Lord.

Indeed, all of our fulfilled hopes are gifts from God and reminders that all we have comes from and belongs to the Lord. Our proper response to God is gratitude and surrender.

Kelley Brown (Alabama, USA)

Bloglect

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 22:01:00 +0000

Sorry I have been neglecting my blog lately...just been lazy and not jotting my thoughts down I think. Or else, my brain is getting confused from all the extra sleep I am getting (only 0-1 night waking from baby in the last 2 weeks!!) I had a free hour the other day and I didn't know what to do with myself...I drove around a bit aimlessly and then somehow I ended up at a dance studio and signed up Lou lou for ballet/tap combo. I think I am even more excited that her to start dance class now. I loved, loved, loved it as a child. The black leotards, the wood floors, my pretty teachers, the music, how lovely I felt when practicing or dancing...like a real girly girl, not a funny looking chinese kid with too short hair and a fat nose. They even get to wear lovely tutu like skirts in class now. Hope she enjoys it!

Honeydew is growing so much...just sweet as ever and ambitious. She keeps bonking her poor honeydew head and cries, and then gets up to try to do it again. She pulls up and just cruises around the house. I fell asleep by accident yesterday in LL's room and somehow she and HD managed to stay out of any terrible danger while Mommy snoozed for 1/2 hour.

girls, girls, girls

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 03:14:00 +0000

My, these girls have grown!

Away we go

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 19:39:00 +0000

Off to the airport shortly for a brief vacay in Sin City. Not really my favorite place but it is easy to get to and tonight I will be living a teenage dream of seeing Simon LeBon in person and the rest of the duran duran gang. I haven't located my little button collection from the 80s (I even had a DD folder for my English homework in the 7th grade.) Dh will have the pleasure of seeing Kris Angel perform on Saturday. I am excited! Kids will be at home with family and nanny alternating care...will miss them, but we really need to get away for a bit, even just 48 hours will be good.

Danger danger, tired mom

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 22:02:00 +0000

Still hacking up bits of cloudy phlegm and hoping July will be a healthier month for me. I made it through hosting 2 birthday parties and houseguests and finally my body call it quits on Sunday. I holed up at a friend's QUIET guestroom on Monday to rest, recover and answer text messages from work. OBTW, Julie/ Julia is a great book...

So in my delirious, fever/ chills state, I finally realized...hey, I can't do this any more. I have been having several fleeting and obvious thought intrusions about this. My life is not working very well, I am not sleeping very much (still 2-3 feedings between 10pm and 7am), and I am starting to not like taking care of/ being around my kids/ dh/ cats/ job/ friends/ etc. I even thought about going to therapy, but I didn't have time in my schedule.

So I sucked it up and called my boss and asked for some schedule changes for work. He said he wasn't surprised and told me to just do what I need to do right now. I am also learning how to delegate more at home (thanks Mom for the advice, sorry I was so defensive and snarky when you mentioned it to me). I actually let the babysitter go to pick up Lou Lou while I drifted off to sleep for a bit of a nap with HD.

So, now I have scheduled in some me time, some exercise time, some more time to get what I need to do in my life. I supposed it's hard because of that fact I spent from age 6 to age 35 devoted obsessively to school/ work and a lot of my self worth seems to be wrapped up in that. I really need to get over myself and grow up.

Come Undone

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 01:47:00 +0000

HD blasted into a case of roseola this past weekend, her poor little body burning with fever. My cold morphed into a heinous sinus infection and all were miserable for about 48 hours. Then miraculously, in the middle of one of the funniest/ most true movies, "Mean Girls", we all felt better. It's so yucky when kids are sick and when mom is too. Everything seems so much harder, so hopeless and helpless. More so for me because I am a healthcare professional, licensed to practice medicine!

I was a in bit of a depression yesterday while hacking up phlegm and peeing in my pants at the same time...what have I gotten myself into? What was I thinking, trying to be a grown up and having kids, a demanding job, etc. Then today , feeling better and having read a little bit of a book about the saga of the crazy good band, Guns and Roses, I decided to get over it and resume my life...yes...I have to delagate and let people help me more (I feel like I already have, and don't want to take advantage of anyone.) I got some helpful advice to take a nap everyday...that sounds like the advice I try to give to Lou Lou. That would be great except, I don't like napping in the day because it makes me groggy for the rest of it and I can't sleep at night when I do that.

I think I would just like a little time each day to recharge (1 hour) where NO ONE needs anything from me. That is really what I need to find the time for. This week as I recover from my illness, has been great because grandparents have taken LL to vacation bible school each night and the HD has slept by 7:45....quiet time for mommy and daddy!

My list

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:10:00 +0000

Inspired by the Work It blog's to do list by Maria. Here's mine

Wake up coughing junk...still getting over cold
HD crying...roll to side, lift shirt and wait for the nipple clamp...hoping for no teeth
Doze off and wake to dh's alarm clock
Loulou jumps into bed, drinking a sippy cup of milk from unknown time
Get up
Change baby and put her in bathroom with me while I get ready
Wander to kitchen and make a cup of tea
Get dressed and put concealer on dark circles under eyes

Ask Loulou if she wants anything besides popcorn (popped by dh before he left for work) for breakfast
Put baby in exersaucer in kitchen
Make lunches
Eat breakfast
Talk to nanny about HD as she arrives

Find clothes for LL and get just a top on her...no pants
Check email
Finish dressing LL
Cough and pee into my underwear
Change underwear
Leave house with LL and lunches, backpacks, purse, etc.
Drive her to school and drop her off
Arrive at work and meet new student shadowing me

See patients
Call colleague at hospital
Nuke and Eat lunch
Call colleague at the other clinic
See more patients

Go pick up LL at school
stop at grocery store
Buy many extraneous items not on list including pink pool noodle and a bag of brach's candy (LL discovered it...I didn't know those candy things still existed!)
Head home
Unpack groceries
Talk to nanny as she is leaving
Eat snack and open snack items for LL
Watch her eat in succession...2 candies, 1 push up, 1 yogurt, 1/2 glass milk
Talk to mom
Go wipe LL's bottom and comment on her GREEN colored poo (yesterday's blue popsicle?)
Prep for dinner
Help LL with swimsuit and fill kiddie pool outside
Get HD and nurse her as DH comes home and send him outside to the kiddie pool
Fix dinner
Eat
Clean up
Play roll around with HD
Sort toys and clean up playroom a bit
Watch 1 episode of House Hunters
Change HD, nurse her, and put her to bed
Take big giant bath with LL
Read comics to LL and color a bit
Make cup of tea
Log onto blog
Blogging

WHEW!

Escape pod

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:15:00 +0000

Rare moment of quiet in the house...HD is napping and Loulou is in her room coloring (I think), and DH is watching TV. We've been all getting on each other's nerves all day. Oh, well, sometimes it's like that. Good thing we have a roomy house. Dh and I are about to take off with some friends (no kids) to a minor league baseball game. I am planning on eating some high calorie baseball park snack. I am not sure which one yet. Auntie is coming to babysit...oh yeah!

Skimmed thru my Pe*ple magazine last night to catch up on the latest on the J*n and Kat* saga. I don't watch the show (watched it once and it stressed me out), but it sounds like fame and fortune and too many kids got to them. Sad...hope they pull through. I was telling my pal at work the other day, I don't watch TV much but I prefer to watch show that have no relation to my life...such as Make me a Sup*ermod*l. Yay Brandon won!

I LUV my DH

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 03:47:00 +0000

I took a night off last night from my family. I crept out to the (air-conditioned) exercise room off our garage and slept there, blissfully, for 6 hours and 30 minutes in a row with only a brief 3-4 minute awakening to realize I was alone in very quiet room. I have not slept continuously that long for the last 3 months (had one night out of town in Feb). Dh kindly did the night time duties for both girls with nary a complaint or loss of spring in his step. I love this man.

Happy where I am at

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Sun, 24 May 2009 02:11:00 +0000

Dh and I dressed up today and went to a wedding. Not really close friends, but in the social/ professional circle of our family/community. I haven't been to a wedding in a while, but what I felt was not only happiness for the couple (in their late 20s) but also relief that this part of my life was over. I looked around at the younger women prancing around in their finery (short dresses in bright colors with high heels or short black dresses with colorful heels) and was glad I wasn't in that stage of my life...single, self conscious about my looks and wondering when my life would be starting/ settling down/ finding the "right" guy. I sipped my drink, in my long dress (polka dots on chiffon...actually recycled from a few years ago) and comfy-heeled, yet still this season's sandals), with dh by my side, knowing he was going to want to leave early too so we could pick up a few groceries on the way home before returning to the kiddos. Yup...in spite of returning to crying, teething baby and a super-tired cranky 3 year old and the house in shambles (fun times with the baby sitting relative)... this is where I want to be. Happy, content, and grateful....smiling at my 3 year old who was prancing around wearing one of my short colorful dresses (floor-length on her...I deemed too short for me to wear to a wedding).

Spawn of mine

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Thu, 21 May 2009 22:04:00 +0000

Apparently Lou Lou and I are very similar in that we have to have a big tantrum and then everything after that is peachy keen. She and Honeydew (though a baby really can't help much what she does esp when she is sprouting her 1st tooth) drove me to the brink of insanity on Tuesday. I was being pissed off at dh too and ended up spanking (1 swat on Monday actually too) 1 swat on a small 3.5 year old's behind. I agonized over it and felt horrible. I put myself in timeout. The rest of the week I have been fine. Nothing has bothered me. Lou Lou also went nuts Tuesday and then has been quite a nice kid since then. Someone told me some planet is aligned with something else and we are all going to have trouble communicating this week. Indeed.

Love and an IUD

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Thu, 14 May 2009 02:34:00 +0000

I have been blaming my mirena IUD lately for my moodiness, weight, etc. I am probably misplacing my blame but perhaps it is just the knowledge that that little piece of plastic eluting hormones in my body is keeping me from getting pregnant. I know that I will not be having more kids, but it still feels weird to be doing something to prevent pregnancy. When people ask me if I will be having more kids, my "NO" comes out so fast everyone comments on it. Maybe it isn't even the fertility thing. Some part of me thinks I need to be "natural" and not have devices/ hormones, etc. in my body. That's extra funny considering I was on birth control pills from age 16 to age 31.

Sex, an enjoyable activity, when we can find a rare moment of kid-free/ aloneness, is now, just for sex. Creating life is no longer part of the agenda. Maybe I am just a weirdo. Maybe I am just feeling amazing fortunate to be blessed with 2 healthy girls that I should just be grateful.

Mom, where are you taking me today?

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Sat, 09 May 2009 19:11:00 +0000

My restless Loulou asks me this question each day. Lately I have been feeling guilty because 3 days a week (no school, not a weekend), she stays with the babysitter at home (mostly). So this morning we head out for the mother's day luncheon and she does pretty well until we see the decorative candy by the nametags. From that point it was mostly whining for the candy (which was being used for a door prize) and we left early. I was being nice and was going to stop at the convenience store for gas and candy. So, I drive along and 10 minutes later she's asleep. I did stop for gas and was thinking about getting candy when a loud car pulled up playing the latest most obscene gansta rap I've heard in a while. So, now it is time to go. Maybe that's we stay home mostly.

Barf o rama

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Sat, 02 May 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Hit hard with a terrible case of food poisoning/ stomach virus yesterday and am recovering today. Blech...it was awful. I was so sick I didn't even want to watch TV (!). I actually had to miss a day of work (I cannot remember that last time I took a day off for illness, other than my mat. leave).

Babies are ok so far...and I hope to keep it that way. Honeydew still nursed and somehow in my dehydrated state there was still milk. Well, I'm going to go eat some saltines now.

Telemarketing

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 04:56:00 +0000

Got home and there was an answering machine message from Talbots the ladies clothing store. It was reminding me to shop the sale that was going on. WTF? Their reputation of being a snobby older ladies clothing store is apparently gone...that unless, now I am in the demographic of a snobby older lady. (I must admit I did shop there in the early part of the year armed with 2 gift cards from Christmas and birthday).

Ball of stress

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 01:55:00 +0000

I have been a stressed out mommy lately. Nothing major, but I am having a major flare of eczema of my left boob (had a biopsy there 2 weeks ago...just nipple dermatitis), bouts of irritability (my dh might call it something else!), aches and pains in my neck and head, and this week I had a bad cold/ sinusitis.

Now granted, the honey moon period of going back to work as ended, I am still getting up 1-2 times at night to feed/ awakening at 5-6 am and not really sleeping after that, have had dh out of town and parents here last week...just life stuff. The honeydew has slept thru the night a few times (last night being one of them...yay!).

I know what I need to do to reduce my stress...exercise...but I can't seem to find the right moment to do it yet. From the time I get up on the weekdays, it's like a running race with a few hurdles and few water breaks. Dh really helps out in the evenings, and I have gone walking in the neighborhood a few times. But the unpredictablity of Loulou a 3, almost 4 year old can kink the schedule. Often I am so tired, or just nursing the baby so I don't do anything. The weekends are kind of the same. Waking, cooking, cleaning, feeding, resting, and then back to the same. I even have help, so it's not as bad as it could be. I think I am just in an adjustment period. One of my best stress reducers actually is just hanging out with my dh and shooting the bull. We try, but often we are interrupted by small children crying or asking questions.

We were this morning given a few moments of just time to ourselves at church. Honeydew was asleep in the nursery with grandma and Loulou was sitting with her friends in front of us. Thanks God.

My own economic stimulus

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:03:00 +0000

Well, my computer had a blow-out and it just got back from the computer hospital. Thankfully, fixed and files restored. Lesson learned...back-up, back-up, back-up. Wrote the check and am kicking myself for spending so much in the past as I gaze at my dwindling account. Let's hope next month's paycheck is a little better than last's (I get paid according to how much I work/ collect). Then the sprinkler system had an leak, then another, then another, and because we are feeling green and hot, we are adding some trees to our yard. Cha-ching. At least that is helping the environment.

I wandered into the open house across the street the other day and saw the price of the house and realized we could not afford to buy in this neighborhood any more! So we are staying put and actually, I am enjoy my house as we live in it longer. We certainly could use another bedroom (we have 3), but we'll make do as everyone ends up in the same room anyway for baths and some bedtimes. We should have just build a 1 bedroom with a kitchen and 1 giant TV room house. I was watching a show on TV about community/ commune houses. Kind of a interesting option for singles/ retirees/ small families.

Lost my computer privileges

noreply@blogger.com (Toffee) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 03:31:00 +0000

Loulou has reached the developmental milestone of clicking onto the internet and typing either "Peep," "Dora" or "Elmo" into google and spending time making my mouse and keyboard sticky. I have rarely been able to use my own computer in the past few weeks. I know I am not supposed to leave my children unsupervised in a room with internet, but I do so I can get some dishes washed or read People magazine in peace for few moments.

I was explaining to someone the other day that mothering 2 kids and returning to work now felt like running a marathon with a few sprints in between (work). At least I have my dh in the evenings to share in the fun.

Today I spent the afternoon doing one of the things I hate/ love to do in my life. Buy a car. Yuck. I have been putting it off but our nanny has a small truck and I can't have any kid of mine riding in the front seat. So I am going to have her use my car and I get the new one (whoo hoo!). So now I have spent all our money and committed more to the future. So for now, I continue to work and try to build up some savings again and bring dinner leftovers for lunch (not too bad actually...hot meal in the microwave!).